DH means "dear husband" or whatever other "D" word is appropriate LOL (laugh out loud means it's a joke!)

Not sure what to do about the custody situation, but you shouldn't have to deal w/ this woman, esp. when your fiance is away. No doubt about the car - get his name off it ASAP. I mean, she's now a married lady w/ a new life. Who'd even feel comfortable having her ex on the car? She sounds like she's trying her best to keep herself tied to him far more than necessary. She sounds a little nutty - keep your distance.

Good luck,
Dana

Thanks for the abbreviation lesson. I wish I did not have to deal with her but....my finace works on an oil-drilling ship many miles off the coast of Alaska (we're in NC). Sometimes there is no phone or internet connection, depending on the position of the satellites. He's gone for 28 days at a time. And when certain issues come up it just can't wait till he gets home. In this instance he won't be back until mid-July. She's now more then 10 days late with her car payment, and I had to pay it with our money,(out of the wedding fund) so that my fiance would not get a late payment on his credit. I had to contact her about this unfortunatly. We just don't want to have to "force" her to refinance or trade it in. She's been telling my fiance for the past 8 months she will trade it in, when he askes about it....but then never does it! Driving me nuts!!!! Ahhhhhh....

Oh, I'm so sorry about this. There you are, trying to do the right things, give her time, protect your husband's credit, and then have to deal w/ her...yuk!

I don't blame you for not wanting to force the issue - just in the interest of the future relationship and the child, etc. I'm sure she'll tell the child, "Daddy and your stepmom (SM) made mommy lose her car..." or some sad tale. It's just sick. I just wouldn't want my ex to have his name on my stuff and vice versa.

Maybe just say that you're trying to buy something big or considering a new place or refinancing your place and you don't want DH's credit to be overextended, etc...

Good luck,
Dana

Yes we have told her just that....we recently moved out of the apartment and closed on our house. Now, we're working on paying off some loans (that DH incurred while married to her, but she wouldnt agree to help pay). And this is affecting his debt to income ratio/credit score. She doesn't care. Her parents, who also live close by, watch my 3yo ss while she is at work. They pretty much raise him. They are almost to the point of being estranged from her but still want to watch their grandson. They are great to me. They have a pool and I often stop by to see my SS and just hang out. They mentioned to me that they have asked her some times for new underware for my SS. He's 3 but wears a 4t, and she's still dressing him in 2t. So I had to go buy some and drop it off to them. Of course I am keeping reciepts for all this. I also was kind of upset to find out he had never been to the dentist. So I was the one that made his first appt. and took him and paid the co-payment.....
Thanks so much for listening. I know we're in the situations we are in and sometimes you just have to make lemonade out of lemons......but it's good to vent about it while you're squeezing if you know what I mean.

sminnc-I think its great that you get along with your stepson's grandparents!

"They mentioned to me that they have asked her some times for new underwear for my SS. He's 3 but wears a 4t, and she's still dressing him in 2t. So I had to go buy some and drop it off to them""I also was kind of upset to find out he had never been to the dentist"

This woman sounds like a real work of art! I agree with vistajpdf-I would definitely keep my distance and only deal with her as a last resort just as you have been doing. Keep those receipts and copies of her emails!! !If you can gather enough evidence against her, Im pretty confident that you would be able to get custody modified. The more you have that shows that she "hasn't" acted in the child's best interest the more of a chance you have. There may have been a "custody agreement" but its not etched in stone, and it can be modified if there is a change of circumstances. Especially if her parents are "pretty much raising" this child. Who knows maybe her parents would even be willing to side with you guys on this issue?

"She's now more then 10 days late with her car payment, and I had to pay it with our money, (out of the wedding fund) so that my fiancé would not get a late payment on his credit."
"this is affecting his debt to income ratio/credit score. She doesn't care."

Okay, so you have tried talking to her and explaining how this is harming your credit, and she has responded by basically ignoring your pleas, is late on payments-despite the fact that she is aware you guys are doing her a HUGE favor in the first place, and has been stalling for 8 months claiming that she's going to trade it in?

"We just don't want to have to "force" her to refinance or trade it in. She's been telling my fiancé for the past 8 months she will trade it in, when he asks about it....but then never does it!"

I can tell that you and your DH are very kind and understanding people, its no wonder you are finding it so hard to deal with this situation. I realize that you guys may be somewhat "hesitant" to act, fearing what she may tell your SS. Yes, there is always that chance. But she "is" the custodial parent, and as long as that is the case, you guys won't be able to "stop her" from telling him anything...Besides she is going to continue to manipulate your DH into letting her get her way if your DH continues to allow her. If she does threaten to "not allow" your DH to see his son or visit, let her!!! It will only make it easier for you guys to take her to court and prove how she is using this child, and acting vindictively. I know that maybe you and your DH may want to avoid litigation if at all possible, but it sounds that you may have to later on down the line regardless.

Your dealing with someone who has no consideration or regard for your financial situation, canÂt be trusted, and acts irresponsibly. If you've tried talking to her and explained your situation and given her ample time to resolve this...then I think you've made reasonable attempts to resolve this in a civilized manner. Its time to roll up your sleeves and get down to business here. I mean do you want to continue to have to pay her car payments on time in order to protect your credit until the car is paid off? This woman sounds like my DH's X-wife, she just "assumed" that she was still in control after the divorce-so I can relate to your frustrations. I also know that when dealing with women like this, you can't ever reach a compromise. They are only interested in their own best interests and screw everyone else. Send her a certified letter telling her to do something with the car, otherwise your coming to get it. You guys already tried being nice (too nice in my book) and all she has done is taken advantage. I really don't think you have another option here.

Good luck-
Dcubana

Dcubana. I agree that we do not really have another option. I already told my finace, before all this late payment stuff came up, that having her car in his name was a liability. She can't be trusted to keep the insurance up on it, and I doubt if she totaled the car she would continue paying on it. And to make matters worse, she's upside down on it. It's worth $5,500. But she owes $12,200 because of her previous trade. She knows this, and she knows that if she just gives it back to us instead of trading it in, and we sold it, we'd be out alot of money! When I recently started pressuring her to just go trade it in or refinance, she threated to "just drop the car at your house and be done with it!". We obviously don't want that either. We have told her what we want to happen. We're in the process of refinancing his car right now to get her name off of it. After that is done, we're going to send her a certified letter saying her name is off her car and she has 30/60 (haven't decided yet) days to make arrangements to trade it in/refinance/or give it back. If at the end of that time she hasn't we're coming to get it. I've made her aware of this. Other then that, I can't think of anything else I might could do in the meantime. I highly doubt she will do something with it before she gets that letter. And her new husband is a police officer! Just checked my mail, still no car payment. She claims she paid it online thru her bank and it must have went to our old address. I distinctly remember my fiance and I both on seperate days, well enough in advance, giving her our new address. When I expressed this to her, no apology for the late payment/oversight on changing the address with her billpay, and even told me she didn't feel the need to apologize because it's the post offices fault! Ha!

Are you saying that their separation agreement was not incorporated into the divorce decree? That nothing in the divorce decree says anything about the cars? That is very unusual. Typically the separation agreement is included in the divorce decree. I would check all of the language in the divorce decree again.

If it is in the decree, notify her that she is in contempt of court. If it is not, then unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. An expensive lesson, but your only choice might be to repo the car and let her deal with finding another.

As it stands now, she can ruin your credit, or worse, get into a serious accident. Guess who they will go after for the money, and guess whose insurance premiums will go up? Or whose insurance could possibly be cancelled? I'm sorry you're in this position, but IMO, it must be dealt with immediately.

Well, they handled everything themselves, no lawyers. My fiance downloaded general forms online and then modified them slightly. So the divorce degree only says that they are divorced and that's about it. LOL. The separation agreement is what outlines everything they have agreed to. To understand why she got EVERYTHING in the sep. agreement you would need to understand what happened. She was found to be unfaithful..my fiance worked in the Gulf of Mexico every 2 weeks then. She demanded full custody and not to pay on any debt they incurred together. He was so hurt by everything he just wanted it over. He agreed to everything she wanted because he was afraid that she would make it difficult for him to see his son or ask him for more money. If it wasnt for me, she'd still be driving this car, and he would probably just have cut his losses at paying this month's car payment for her and not said anything. That's what she's used to.....and now is kind of taken aback that I am standing up to her and he is backing me on it! I'm kind of hoping that she'll be like a kid learning a lesson with all this.......that she cant get away with anything anymore!

I think that your fiancee needs to take all this documentation to an attorney ASAP and make sure that the agreement is enforceable, and then enforce it. If it means taking time off of his job, he needs to do it.

This is not your job, nor would I want any part of it. You will NEVER be able to start your lives together if he still has unfinished business with his old one. And this is exactly that--BUSINESS.

I would no sooner tie up my finances with a man who still has financial ties to his ex-wife (outside of child support) than cut out my own tongue.

What Vivian said.

I think the issues go two ways. In your own words, she has asked repeatedly to get her name off of the loan for Dh's car. How was she supposed to make arrangments for her own car when she is still on the loan for his car? Unless she has a lot of income, no one is going to want to make a car loan to someone who has another car loan that isnt getting paid off. You and DH put getting house first. OK, now you want her to resolve the car issue. Well, since it took so long for dh to resolve the car issue on his car, my guess is she will tell court that is why she could not refinance her car. And my guess is that the will listen.

As to visitiation, your dh's schedule will present problems for the court.

With the time line as far as everyone asking everyone to get their respective names off the cars........
She never bothered us, or called to talk to her son when he was here, or bothered to talk to my fiance about anything. Then....she found out he bought me a car for Christmas this year and that we had just bought a house. (Needed to be built/new construction) Then she started calling to talk to her son everyday, starting in with the trying to get back together with my ex and everything else she has done. Along with asking us to get her name off his car. We told her we were in the process of getting a mortgage, and could not refinance or do anything with our credit until the mortgage went through and we had closed on the house. She said ok.....but still repeatedly brought it up. Even though we gave her a date for the closing and told her it would be handled then. We've since let her know that the refinancing is in the works. My fiance then asked her to do the same with her car.....and she tells him ok cause it's what he wants to hear...but then doesnt do it and gives me a million reasons why she's not going to do it. It's not like we "put the house first". We were ok with the way things were, she was leaving us alone and making payments on time. Now after getting the house she decides she made a mistake, wants her ex back, and is throwing a fit cause she cant' get what she wants.

And what does this mean

"She has asked us many times to refinance my fiances vehicle and get her name off of it. We agreed but told her that we could not do that until we closed on our new house, which happened last week. We've started the process already."

What is sounds like to me is that she was willing to allow to allow both car refis to wait. Now you want one to move quickly but not hte other.

Ok, throw out every single bit of "he said...she said" and who agreed to what and when. The only thing that matters is what needs to be done NOW, without emotion or accusation.

And remove yourself. Your fiance needs to handle this, not you, and he needs to handle it in a matter of fact and business like manner. No excuses that he is away too much...he'd have to handle it if you weren't around, so he can find a way to do it. If he doesn't, well, multiply this issue x 10, and you have a pretty good predictor of your life if you marry him.

Weed's right. No excuses. HE needs to be a man and get this taken care of, and I wouldn't marry him until he has it settled.

Seems like X was nice to dh on car, if he doesnt want to accomadate her now, she is likely going to remember it. but yes it is his deseciosn, and if OP is getting worked up about it she should walk. CS isnt cut and dry, there will be disputes. It happens.

Posted by kkny (My Page) on Mon, May 28, 07 at 19:17

And what does this mean
"She has asked us many times to refinance my fiances vehicle and get her name off of it. We agreed but told her that we could not do that until we closed on our new house, which happened last week. We've started the process already."

She didn't start asking until after she knew we were in the process of getting a mortgage. And even then, knowing she would have to wait,,, she kept asking over and over. We had to sign a paper with the lender promising we would not do anything with our credit until the closing. If she had asked us before we decided to buy a house, we would have done it then. But because of when she asked, that's why we had to wait. We were totally fine leaving things the way they were. She's the one that brought up the refinancing, she's the one that started making late payments. She has told my fiance that she will go ahead and trade the car in, when he asks, then changes her mind. Right now she says she isnt going to do anything with it. That we'll have to make her. I do agree that it would be better if we got her name off his car first. So she would have a better chance at getting financed. But, she's saying she isnt going to do anything. And that is why I'm upset with her. My fiance has told her cut and dry many many times what he wants to happen. She tells him what he wants to hear.....then he goes to work, with no phone or email for a month. And she does nothing. I asked her about it only because she made a late payment to us, and I handle all the finances.

When hubby and ex were married they took out a "personal loan" and a vehicle loan .... during the divorce process ex filed for bankruptcy ... ok she is free and clear of all debt those 2 loans rolled onto hubby. He is now paying for a personal loan she used to start her busines which she also filed bankruptcy on. And because she didn't make any payments on the vehicle for 10 months prior to filing bankrupty it was repossessed so hubby is paying 11,000 for a camper he longer has possession of. $200.00 per week. to get them paid off as quick as possible. Not to mention all the joint credit cards they had hubby was stuck with over 50.000 in debt from ex wife .... He had a ford f350 he used as collateral against the camper ... they repossessed that too to make up the difference on the camper.

So my advice would be take the car and then SELL THE CAR pay it off before she ruins his credit. So what if she says stupid things to the kid .... mommy couldn't afford it anymore the bank was going to take it away so we sold it.

Thanks everyone for all the advice! Well, DH's car is refinanced(her name is off of it). And her name has been taken off of his Visa. So, DH sent her an email from Asia, asking her what she plans on/wants to do with her car that's in his name. She never responded to the email. So when DH got a chance to call today I asked him if he would phone her and see what is going on. He agreed and I told him not to call today as it's her birthday. (My whole family has a soft spot for bdays!) I hope she will agree to do something and actually do it so we dont have to send this certified letter. Wish me luck!

So, I found out today that BM's new husband has 2 cars. This is on top of the 3rd (company car) that he drives himself. So, why is she giving us such a hard time about giving us DH's car back? Because it's nicer then the other two her new husband has. But all this time she's been lying to us saying, she has no choice but to keep the car that is in DH's name. She says she can't afford the refinanced price, doesnt want to trade it in becuase she owes double what it's worth. And all along there are 2 other cars just sitting at her house never getting driven. Am I crazy?? This is driving me nuts! And BM's own mother is the one that told me about this today.

The reason she's giving you a hard time on this is because she can. Some people live to have conflict. She may be one of them. You stated earlier that she wants ex back. This is one way of continuing to engage him in her life. Even negative attention is attention. She's denying him what he wants becuase he denied her.
I could be wrong, but that could be what it is.

You are catching on jesse!!! You answered your own posts why the ex will keep your SS from visiting "because she can". Sucks to have know that an ex will never do anything that should be done ...for the sake of anyone involved.... They will come up with excuse after excuse ... think of any situation and instead of starting with the "good" reasons it "could work" start with how you will respond to the negatives. And thats how an ex will handle all situations ... excuses why it can't be done.

Think of negative reasons why it "couldn't work" and go from there.

I worked at a daycare center for years... after awhile the better behaved kids see the "bad kids" get all the attention they start acting out because they just want some attention.

It all boils down to control, she obvioulsly still wanted to have some kind of a hold on your husband.I've had to deal with a similar situation with my in laws.After a while i realized that there are some people who cannot be "reasoned with".As much as you may prefer not to take the legal route,it may be the only choice you have.

After playing these little "mind games" for over a year with my in laws(dispute over property)-thats exactly what we did.It was only then that we finally got them to take us "seriously" and act.

Good luck
Dcubana

Well DH laid it out for her and gave her a week to make a decision. The week is up and he had to email her to "remind" her that we need a respose. She stated that she will be dropping the car off by Thursday. Yay! Lets see if it happens.

BM brought back the car last night. Despite all the time saying how she could not afford to refinance or purchase a new vehicle, low and behold, she showed up in a new vehicle! Well '05 but new to her. So.....at least that is over and we dont have to deal with it anymore. She also had news of a new pregnancy! Great. I can already picture her trying to claim it is DH's baby. LOL. Just kidding......

That's awesome!