You've received good advice, you do need to think past the disagreement you were having and realize that you would have most certainly made up. The idea of writing a letter is a good one. My daughter was 13 when she died 2 1/2 years ago and she is survived by a sister 4 years older as well. My other daughter also went through some guilt of feeling like she wasn't the best big sister she could be, but has realized really how much they loved each other and that minor recent disagreements really didn't matter anymore. You won't lose memories of her......but her death is so recent you need to be kind to yourself. Lean into your grief and let yourself cry when you need to, don't rush it and don't minimize your feelings or allow anyone else to either. The holidays coming up will be hard and if you decide to do something, plan ahead but try not to be too elaborate about it and be willing to back out of your plans if you get to those days and you can't handle it. Also, you might want to try something to honor your sister during the holiday season, donate to or volunteer for her favorite cause. Something I've heard of but haven't tried is writing letters to our loved ones, reading them on Christmas Day but leaving them in something like a stocking till the following year. Then you can get them out and read them a year later and see how much you've grown during the year. Angela

I see everyone's points. kathyg wants to give her future DIL, whose family are far away, some traditional bridal fuss and also to introduce her to the family and close friends. lindac doesn't want anyone to laugh at or resent kathyg for, in essence, sending out invitations to give gifts to her own child. You're both right. Consider giving not a shower, but a party of some other kind -- luncheon, cocktail party, BBQ, whatever suits everyone's style and resources -- in your DIL's honor. That will accomplish kathyg's goals without any unintended greedy or other negative message. People may give gifts anyway, but they won't feel you are telling them to do so. You can also have a recipe or advice "shower," for which you send the guests blank cards with the invitation and which you compile into an album or file when they are returned completed. I still (25 years later) treasure the recipe file and album I received this way as a bride more than any other gifts. But if the wedding will be in Indonesia and your party will be the "main event" for your side of the family, I would lean toward a nice brunch or evening party for the relatives and friends who would attend if the wedding were here. It is easy and breezy to say things like "I'm not one given to 'correct' ways of doing things ... I'll worry about Miss Manners another day ... she has too many rules for me," and it may make you feel more comfortable right now, but you can't control how your guests will feel about it (and you). You should also consider whether a mom-hosted shower might make your son and future DIL uncomfortable. It's not about "being 'correct'" for the sake of correctness -- those "rules" that people like to think of themselves as being too free and casual to worry about exist for a reason, and that reason is making others comfortable. If you find yourself feeling that ONLY a gift-giving shower will do, ask yourself why. As for timing, I don't see why it has to be so very close to the wedding. With brides and grooms so often living far away and not being able to come in for lots of weekends, you time things when you can. I think any time is okay, and I think you are wise to avoid being near your relative's wedding weekend.

A guy I knew in high school - a normal, honor roll, good kid - said he went to Woodstock with his older brother. I'm pretty sure he was telling the truth. Woodstock was 1969, so this guy had to have been about 14. My DS is now 14. I have to ask myself two(rhetorical)questions: how cool is it that he was at Woodstock, and what were his parents thinking? Although melaska and linelle seeing the Beatles, that may beat out even Woodstock! And less muddy. Oh, and DS explained to me that Jethro Tull isn't "hard rock" it's "classic rock." I explained to her that they weren't "classic" yet when I saw them. Reminded me of the line from the hilarious song "1985," "When did Moltey Crue become classic rock?" which segue allows me to go sort of back on topic. Debby just hit the wall She never had it all She wanted stainless steel Just couldn't make the deal She wanted Shaker doors And Brazilian cherry floors 1200 cfm fan What happened to her plan? She was gonna get some marble, Backsplash of subway tile, She was gonna put in drawers, Pull outs with lots of style. Her UCL LED Is just a fantasy She looks at her fluorescent lights And nothing is all right It's still Coil stove, tile counters and over-the-range Microwave, Oak cabinets, partial overlay And double sink with separate spray. The kitchen design rules, They tell her that she's uncool, Cause her kitchen still looks like... 1985.

Wow -- I'm glad you are getting a handle on things, Junebug. I suspect your sister has many unresolved issues with her/your mother -- maybe she doesn't even know exactly what they are (certainly not how to articulate them). I assume she's not treating her own children like this. I do have a niggling wonder about how she can continue to treat her mother like this AND consider herself capable of teaching Bible class. (I'm not even Christian.) It seems like a disconnect. (At this point, it's not a disconnect you ever need to bring up with your sister. Not worth the energy...) Carry on -- I feel badly that your mother is going through the longing for the daughter who won't be there -- that's not going to change, and suspect this is what is driving a good portion of your angst. You care about how this affects your mother. The friends who are helping you with your mother -- in ways sometimes volitional "family" can be stronger than the biological. Ultimately, they'll be what counts, and are the bonds to strengthen.