I'm also sorry that you're going through a divorce, there's no getting around how stressful and painful that can be.

In regards to your sister, my family used to always set the times and dates for our get togethers and then "tell" me when my daughter and I were to show up. Not only did it always made me feel like I was a 3rd party but I also resented having to be there as if we had been summoned.

At some point when I'd had enough, I started saying we couldn't make it because we already had plans. Once they understood that I too had a schedule that needed to be considered, the situation resolved itself. I guess they thought that just because I was a single mother without the same financial resources to do things, I just stayed home and twiddled my thumbs, but that couldn't have been farther from the truth!

I'm sorry for your marriage break-up but I don't think that's something that needs to influence your family situation.

Today is Saturday, tomorrow Sunday. Are you booked so tightly that you can only offer a rigid 2 hour window for a visit? Does she have kids? That alone can make pinpoint timing for a visit impossible to achieve.

Everyone has different concepts of time and time management, just as everyone has different ideas of visiting and family obligations. (I think most figure there's more leeway and wiggle room with family than with friends).

It sounds to me like there's a lot of baggage between you and your sister, you need to 1) work with her to find a middle ground, 2) accept that it is what it is, or 3) find a way to avoid dealing with her altogether. No matter what you choose, stewing in anger only prolongs the problem.

Good luck.

Your sister is going to come visit her mother sometime tomorrow, and your mom is going to call you when your sister gets there? OK, so? Let your mom call you. If it fits your schedule, and you want to see your sister, go. If it doesn't fit your schedule, say so. I don't see the problem. There seems to be no love lost between you and your sister anyway.

You have enough going on in your life right now without that added stress.

Wow..."Kitchen Table" is the place to go for quick replies!

Yes, there is a lot of "baggage" between me and sis, whom I love dearly- and every ounce of that baggage springs from this sore subject.

My mom is 87 and has emphysema, heart issues and is on O2 24/7. Six years ago, she broke her arm. For six weeks, I went to her house every morning and helped her to bathe, dress, etc. I pre-made all of her meals and took her to all of her Dr. appt.s and helped her with her P.T. I begged baby sister to commit to one day a week to give me a break. Although she was employed in a very part time way at her church, she couldn't commit to one morning or afternoon. One day during that time, she made a "surprise" visit to mom's place...after I'd already been there. All I could think was how great it would have been for me if she'd have called me and told me she'd be up- I could have had a day off.

Another example is that during the week, she'll call my mom and tell her she "might" be up to visit her during the weekend. Most of the time, she does not show.

Those are just two examples. There have been years and years of this sort of nonsense. Her children are in their late twenties, so they're not the issue.

I know that I can't force a grown woman to come up here and help, nor do I want to. Nor would I inflict a two hour window on her, or demand her to come at a certain time.

I am not asking for the world. I am just asking for a date and a time...something like "Junebug, hubs and I are visiting his folks on Saturday and we would like to celebrate with you and mom after. How about 6 o'clock?" I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

Snidely, I don't think my divorce has anything to do with the dynamic. However, I am trying very hard to not feel like I just wasted the last sixteen years of my life, and I have decided that life is too short for me to spend it waiting around for people to decide if they'll show up or not.

Anyway, my mind is made up. If sis wants to see me, she a) has to come up with a day and a time and b) has to stick with it.

I'm sorry I spent this much time contributing to my own unhappiness in the situation, but I feel a lot better, now.

To those of you who extended sincere condolences concerning my divorce, I thank you.

So sorry to hear about your personal troubles. Divorce is never easy even if amicable. About your sister.....whatever your problems, for me, I would do whatever would make Mom happy. At 87, time is limited. She may live to be 100 but I wouldn't want to take my chances. All any mom wants is to see her family together. In many cases,, that's not going to happen. Siblings often don't get along. If you can make it happen.......for your mom's sake, I would do it.

Can we assume that you've TOLD your sister how her behavior affects you?

Ummm...read the last line of my original post, please.

You can't force people to be what they aren't. Your sister's lack of time spent with her aging mother is her loss, not yours.

Set a time for activities or family gatherings, invite her and she chooses to attend or not. It's on her. You need to let go and stop trying to control her.

You could mention that it is hard on your mother to expect her visit and have her not show up. Then drop it.

I have a brother who lives 2 1/2 hours away simply does not have anything to do with us. We talk on the phone and the few times I have gone up we get along just great. However once my parents died he dropped off the family radar. He hasn't seen my kids since they were tweens. He hasn't met their spouses, has no interest, hasn't met my grand kids. He is what he is. I see it it as a personality disorder. He stays in his comfort zone. His loss. I stay in contact, we get along fine. Not my circus, not my monkey to try and fix him.

I have not been trying to control my sister. I have asked her many times to commit to a day to help out, but those days are long past. My two best friends (with whom I am now living during my divorce) are the ones who help out with my mom.

For the record, I have discussed this issue with my sister in the past, and told her how nice it would have been for mom to see someone else besides me every day. My sister really has heard my side of things concerning my mom. She knows I think that it is disrespectful of her to get mom's hopes up for a visit, only for her to renege.

I am gathering that you believe that my asking my sister for a time and date to celebrate is "controlling". It was not meant in that spirit and I've come to the conclusion that she will never be able or willing to commit to a time and date for any celebration, which is okay. I made the decision to let that go and just go on with my life.

She will never change. YOU will have to learn to let it go. If you can be at peace with yourself not expecting anything at all from her, your life will be much better. If she wanted to help, she would have done it already. You can keep her in the loop or not. Telling her how much your mom looks forward to a maybe visit won't even penetrate her narcissistic heart. If she cared how your mom felt she would be visiting, not only when she says she will but more often. Been there. Done that. After 20 years I don't do it any more. It's a relief not having that "when she gets here I'll call you" and then you wait around all day for the call that doesn't come. Nope. Don't do that any more. I make my plans without waiting to see if the phone call comes.

I am a younger sister and live an hour south of my mom (who is in a nursing home) and my sister. Not THE younger sister of junebug, just A younger sister. :)

junebug - I wonder if your younger sister views you in the same regard as I do my sister. Because I am not one to which words come easily, it would be impossible for me to express my gratitude and admiration for my sister. She is so giving of her love and time to my mom, and in fact, to many of the residents in my mom's nursing home... to everyone with whom she has a relationship! My mom is too far gone in her illness to realize just how lucky she is to have a daughter as nurturing and loving as my sister. But the rest of the family know it to be true. I have always wished I were more like her, but we all have our own identities and attempt to put our best foot forward.

For years and years, on every occasion including Christmas Day, I had to pack up my kids and take them to my sisters to spend with the family. I always hated leaving home on Christmas day but would have hated more to not be with the rest of the family. Now, my sister and I, and our spouses, spend the holidays at the nursing home with my mom. I choose to be with mom rather than my grandchildren, because I'm not sure how many holidays we have left. I'm happy my grandchildren do not have to be packed up and spend the day away from home, especially on Christmas.

I've rambled on but what I was wanting to say is that I hope your sister and your mother realize how lucky they are to have you, and that they appreciate everything you do. I bet they do!

I never said you were controlling. I said you can't control what your sister is/does. You have told her how you feel about the matter. Now you have to let it go. The ball is in her park and she will choose how she is. You don't get to choose for her.

YOU choose whether to let your sister's decisions affect your life or not.

Thanks, Imhappy...

Today was a great day for me because I have truly let all of this hope go.

I did surrender expecting sis to help with mom, as my two friends have really stepped up to the plate and been there for both mom and I. You really get to know who your friends are in times like these, you know?

It sounds like you have been in my shoes, truly.

Yes, it's very likely that my sister won't even show up tonight. Mom knows that, but she makes excuses for my sister- and that's okay. My mom has to make things "right" in her head, so whatever means she needs to do that...well, more power to her.

I will never regret the time I have spent with my mom...and that is all that matters.

moonie, I appreciate your kind words.

Mom does have her wits about her, and adores me, and I adore her.

You have given me something to think about, so thank you for that. I have to say, however...you do spend time with your mom, which is so important.

Thanks for your response, I do appreciate it.

Geez, watchme...

You clearly accused me of trying to control my sister...go back and read your post.

If you aren't willing to read the posts all the way through (including your own), please don't reply any further.

I really thank most of you for posting. I have made my decision and let this issue go. I am comfortable with my stance and will not waver from it. I am not going to waste any more time waiting for people who will never show up to "show up".

I will continue to be there for my mom , as will my two best friends. I won't harbor any more anger for my sister. She does what she can do and I do what I can do.

Yep, let it go. That's all you can do. At first I was hoping you were merely sounding off out of aggravation but it's clear you can't expect any help from your sister. No expectations, no disappointments.

I feel badly for your mom. We've all known parents that long mostly for that one child that won't give them the time of day.

Best to you!

Moonie, that's the problem. My mom does long for the daughter who doesn't show up. I will be there for her always, however.

Thanks for your words. <3

When you no longer have your mother, it will be a source of comfort to you that you have been there for her.

I agree...I will never regret the time I have spent with her, sweet_betsy.

I used to have similar types of expectations from ex DH and many others (not children) which took me years to get over and now have a similar problem with DH, who consistently expects certain behaviors from, among others, his very grown daughter and her children, whom he barely knows. I try to get the following across to him (modified by me), that it is futile to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. It always results in his bitter disappointment, but he won't let it go. Don't let it fester like he does. You will be freer from it.

So your sister cannot keep to any sort of a schedule as far as being somewhere at a given time? It sounds to me like a mental disability to me. If I were a Psychologist, I could come up with the diagnosis (HA) but she is mentally unable to do this. So just try and keep that in mind. I'd be angry too. I hate to say it but your sister, most likely, has real and true mental issues...JMHO.

Hi, arkansas_girl...I did wonder about that. However, she does hold down a job at a local university (four hours per day) and she teaches a bible study class one night a week. I have to believe she'd have been fired if she was late/didn't show up to work. Sometimes, I just think we're pretty low on her list of priorities- I don't know that for certain, I'm not in her head.

It seems like there is always one child that bears the brunt of the caretaking. My parents are in their 90s and my mother is very ill and one of my brothers hasn't been here for almost 3 years for a visit, let alone to help out. The other brother managed to come a year ago after his three year absence. It makes me pretty angry when I read about all the vacations that they go on. I don't know what they are waiting for, my mother just turned 95 and weighs about 80 pounds now. Every night I expect a phone call telling me that she has died.

I'm sorry that your sister causes so much angst and I think that the way you feel is perfectly understandable.

Family dynamics are difficult at best when people live any distance from each other, and those involved generally run a wide gamut of personality types that don't always have good communication skills with everyone involved. Some are just plain dysfunctional, occasionally narrow-minded, some are self-centered _______, and the ever popular uncommitted and ambivalent, and I happened to have a sociopath for a brother who lived next door to my parents, who provided an added heaping of stress. You just need one per family!!!

Add to that the great expectations for the PERFECT Hallmark Holiday Event (any holiday will do, but Christmas is the worst), and you are guaranteed ill-will and hurt feelings for someone at the best of times. Multiply that by 2-4 generations of people, extended family, and in-laws out the wazoo, all with busy lives.... It's like the guy on the Ed Sullivan Show who would spin plates on sticks. It just spells disaster.

To this day I don't make any demands on our adult children for holiday events - EVER! And in return, they don't have any great expectations. We go with the flow and always manage to enjoy it, whether it's an orthodox event like it was this year where we were all together at our home, or unorthodox like last year, meeting at the half-way point in St. Louis and having Christmas the day AFTER Christmas in a lovely hotel suite with a kitchen, and I brought the Christmas dinner we reheated at the hotel, and we left the next day after pigging out, opening gifts, and playing board games all evening. We left a BIG tip since no one had to clean house, change bedding, and do extra loads of laundry. :-)

It is sad when things can't be evenly divided. I know one of my sisters had the caretakers role when my parents moved to her state.

My other siblings and I did contribute financially, but those years were very difficult for my sister.

Junebug, I'm not sure why she can't come on a weekend since she is only an hour away.

My apologies for missing that you have discussed this with your sister. Have you ever attempted to institute and maintain your responses to what you experience as her disregard?

HAS your sister always been like this? Always? She's been able to get along in the world showing up late for work, to pick up her kids at school, for appointments, for church, etc.? Or, is this behavior only related to her family of origin: You, your parents, other sibs? How far back does this go? Was there some 'tipping point'?

You are a pretty hard act to follow, junebug. You have pitched in to care for your mother. I wonder if yours always been the 'caretaker' role in the family?

Your life is changing -- divorce, a mother in failing health, issues with your sister, and who knows what else! This would be a good time to do some 'caretaking' of junebug! Can you see a therapist for a little assistance in coping and going forward with a plan?

It is my opinion that almost everyone can use a little outside help somewhere along the way. The KT offers a wealth of knowledge -- the 'wisdom of crowds'. A short course of individual therapy could help you 'clean your emotional closets' and set a new path.

Hi, chisue...

Sister is on time for work, I have to believe, or she'd have been sh*t-canned by now. I also have to believe that she is on time for church and her bible study class. And yeah, she's been like this ever since early adulthood.

I used to be the one to organize our family Christmas (my brother and his fam, sis and hers) at my mom's house, and it drove me insane. Sis literally can't tell you until the very last minute if or when she'll show up. Combined with my exe's family Christmas bacchanal, , I grew to despise what I now call the "Holidaze".

This actually is my beginning to take care of myself. I am simply bowing out of the family Christmas. I will celebrate with my mom. When my mom is gone, I will celebrate with my family of choice.

Right on, Snidely!

Years ago, there was a program on NBC called Boomtown. It was a "police drama" that only lasted a couple of seasons. The first season was amazing, then the producers made a major change which ruined it. When the show first started, it told, as all police dramas do, a story about a crime and the solving of it. Boomtown did it very differently, though. It showed the story from the different perspectives of the people involved. The second season, however, reverted to a "regular" telling of the crime, and the series was canceled.

Life is exactly like the first season of Boomtown in that everyone involved in any given situation sees and interprets things differently. My younger sister has distinctly different memories of childhood events than my older sister and I. Listening to my younger sister, you'd think she had different parents and grew up in a different household.

JuneBug1961, I was "involved in" a somewhat similar situation as you are now experiencing. There were four kids in my family -- my older sister, me, our younger sister, and our brother (the youngest). When our parents died, my older sister became the legal guardian of our younger sister, and I became the legal guardian of our brother. Hence, older sis has always been closer to younger sis, and our brother and I were always close. Also contributing was the fact that our brother was gay, and older sis was never comfortable with that; and younger sis never really understood why he couldn't just "decide to date girls and be normal."

My brother was infected with HIV, and the night he converted to full-blown AIDS he was hospitalized and not expected to live through the night. Hubs and I rushed to San Francisco (where he lived - we are in the Sacramento area). My brother was in ICU for more than 6 weeks, and spent a little over 9 weeks total in the hospital. I was there with him for all but about 3 nights. He was discharged in mid-November, and I was told he wouldn't live to see Christmas that year (1993). Hubs and I brought him home to live with us, and he not only saw Christmas that year, he lived until the end of September 1994.

During that 9+ weeks of hospitalization, I was lucky to get a sponge bath in a public restroom in the hospital. A couple of times one of the nuns at the hospital gave me the key to her apartment so I could take a real shower and wash my hair. How many times did our older sister come to visit our brother in the hospital? Twice. Both times she stayed about 5 minutes. And on one of those visits, she wouldn't have even come at all except that she had to be in the Bay Area to pick up some furniture that she had ordered.

So -- we were in a situation that made my sister extremely uncomfortable. She was always "ashamed," I guess, that our brother was gay, and AIDS is difficult to be around. Could I have used some "time off" from being his caregiver? Yes, I probably could have. But it was important to my brother that I was there for him, and he was absolutely the bravest person I have ever known to have faced and gone through what he did.

Your sister may be having a difficult time facing the fact that your mother is not able to "mother" the two of you and that she is the one who now needs to be taken care of. Although you may not like the fact that your sister can't deal with it, you do have to accept it, if for no other reason than your own peace of mind. You can't change what your sister is feeling. You can only change how you react to it. Don't dwell on the negative because it will only destroy any good memories you have of your sister and it will also destroy good feelings you have towards your mother because you will begin to resent her for being ill. Instead, cherish the time you have with your mother, as it will be over before you know it. (And before you're ready for it.)

Thanks for all of the responses, peeps.

To be fair, I don't expect sis to "help" with mom any longer. I used the example of her absence during mom's broken arm six years ago to shed some light on the nature of her behavior.

Mom has had double bypass, two strokes, cataract surgery, pulmonary rehab and a kidney stone that plunged her into congestive heart failure (just last summer) since that time- all of which has been handled by me and my two best friends, who serve as helpers and co-daughters.

It was just this danged holiday thing left and now I'm letting that go, too. As long as I get mom to my cousin's place for Christmas, I will consider my job to be complete.

Lindsey, that was so great that you were there for your brother. I know that he must have loved you very much. I'm gay, too...but the lesbian population wasn't affected by AIDS the way the guys were. Their population was ravaged by the virus. : ( I'm sorry for your loss.

And yeah...I "get" that I was at least half of the problem with my frustration. I chose to engage in the dance that made me crazy. No more. Lots of changes going on in my life these days. : )

so odd to read everyone's stories & realize my messed-up family isn't the only one in which one sibling holds the family hostage at get-togethers!

My brother Dave was the "favorite", yet he was the one who always acted the worst!

He, & then later he & his wife, were always at least 2 hours late to *everything*, & he seemed to enjoy it while acting like it wasn't actually happening-

no apologies, not even any acknowledgement, but he arrived smiling like a rock star & accepting the "thank goodness Dave is here, now we can all eat" as though the dinner were being given in his honor.

When my mother's sister moved across the street from my mother, I thought things might get better (surely my mother wouldn't make everyone from both families wait, because that would be embarrassing, right? & surely her sister would go ahead & serve, right?)

wrong.

The last Christmas get-together I attended finally started...4 hours late.

By that time, I had a raging headache, & my other brother, his wife, & our cousin had eaten all the junk food & had drunk coffee all day, so we were sickish from sugar & salt & caffeine & no groceries.

When Dave pulled in, no one said, "where the heck were you?" or "who the heck do you think you are?" they made a fuss over him ("thank goodness you're *here*!) & put everything on the table.

However, my mother was in her very early seventies, she was as healthy as a horse, & she was one messed-up cruel person anyway.

Your situation is that you have an elderly, fragile, beloved mother.

Take care of her & cherish her & disengage with your crazy sister.

I wish you the very best.

forgot to say...

I forgot to say that the experience with my brother has resulted in my own executive policy that I won't hold up any celebration for anybody.

Making us all wait reduced our status from that of family or even of guests to that of hangers-on; it was an insult.

If I ever wanted to insult someone, I wouldn't have invited him/her to a party!

Yea, Sylvia! "We'll be eating at (six)." Now I'm thinking of the old saying, "Be there or be square!" Actually, more like, "If you want to eat *with us*, be here before six. Otherwise, you can fix yourself a plate from whatever is left over in the kitchen."

I don't think baby sis has a disability. She's just self-centered and allowed to be!

Junebug can't do anything about it other than love and accept her for who she is. Just don't hold dinner!

Isn't it strange that it's always the problem child in the family that is so loved by mom? Are they that way because of mom, or does mom love them all the more because of their problems?

junebug - I think once you're settled and dealt with the emotions from divorce, you will be such a happy, healthy person! You're already looking to see to your own needs.

I'm reluctant to bring this up, junebug, but as you mention that your sister works at a church and teaches a class there, could it be that her church involvement leads her to be unaccepting of gays? (It's sad that many religious organizations don't practice what they should be preaching, literally, but that's how many are.)

Snidely, her church is DEFINITELY unaccepting of gays...but that shouldn't affect how she treats our mom, right?

I know that both my baby sister and my oldest brother (born again Christians) believe that both me and my nephew (bro's son) are going to hell, even though we are the ones who are there for our parents...but I don't think that my sister would avoid my mom because of me.

I honestly believe that my sister just has us on a lower rung of priority that has nothing to do with my gayness...although we have certainly had discussions about that. For example, if family members "know" we are gay from our earliest days, how does it somehow become a choice? Baby sis said she knew I was gay before I did...but now, she believes it is a "choice" that I have made in my life.

I wonder what choice she made to be straight? I think it was just natural for her, as it was natural for me to be gay.

Neither here nor there. My mom knows who loves her, and that's me and my lesbian friends.

moonie, our parents yearn for the children who never show up. So I understand my mom's acceptance of my sister. Mom has made a million excuses for why my sis can't show up, but deep inside, she knows that I am the one who will be there no matter what.

And thanks, moonie...I am really looking forward to some sort of happiness again.

It's very sad, but when people are hate-filled and intolerant IN THE NAME of religion, who's to say what further illogic might result? Your mother accepts you, your siblings don't, could it be "my enemy's friend is my enemy?" They might be upset at her for her relationship with you. If so, that's to your benefit, who wants to spend time with people with such ugly views. Maybe that's what's going on?

Forgot to mention, what a touching story lindsey. That's a memory of love and giving that will always be with you.

Snidely said exactly what I was thinking. If she doesn't approve of your "lifestyle" then she would be bound to show disrespect to you in all ways.

Re: caring for mom, "well she doesn't have a family to take care of and I do, why can't she just do it all" etc

Note that I do NOT agree with these sentiments but I have sadly heard them before.

You mentioned a brother, does he help out or come visit?

I have a different perspective. I have a couple of family members (brother, son) that try to make me feel guilty because I miss family events. My mom and I don't get along and I frankly am done with trying. I truly mean to go for holiday visits, but as the time to go draws near, I get sick or fabricate an emergency reason not to go. It's uncomfortable to me to hear their barbed comments about all that they do for her and how I'm not contributing.

The guilt for not just sucking it up and trying harder to be present keeps me awake at night, but I can't bring myself to go there. On the occasions that I have gone, I end up leaving shortly after my arrival.

I am not asking for the world. I am just asking for a date and a
time...something like "Junebug, hubs and I are visiting his folks on
Saturday and we would like to celebrate with you and mom after. How
about 6 o'clock?" I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

You are totally correct. That's a completely reasonable thought.

______________

Although it's a guess, I bet you didn't waste the entire last 16 years, because you enjoyed some of it and learned loads about yourself. (((junebug)))

Sounds like your sister is the "golden child" who was over-indulged by your mother.

Sorry about your divorce. I know it's really, really awful those first holidays being single again.

Sorry to hear about your troubles with your mother, pkponder. I had the same problem with my father, but I took it as a challenge to not let him get his way.

I'd go to family events where he was present, and when he would start in on an insult or other inappropriate comment, I'd interrupt him and let him know I didn't care about his opinion. Or I'd walk away. And with his ridiculous displays in front of others, his relationships with the rest of the family soured because they all saw his irrationality in dealing with me. I have no religious belief, but the adage to the effect of "you reap what you sow" is very true.

Good luck to all, we all have difficult or troubled relationships to deal with. The best solution is to muster your internal strength to rise above them and move on however possible.

I don't think your sister has you on a lower rung of the ladder. Her passive aggressive behavior is all about control.

When you stop caring when or where she'll show up, it will drive her around the bend.

PK, I'm so sorry your family gives you grief.

Mine did too, & my brothers will *never* acknowledge that my mother was anything other than perfect.

I too avoided going "home" as much as possible.

Every time I returned from such a visit, I'd have nightmares & migraines.

My dentist told me that the lower molars (molars? the grinding ones) are deteriorating from the pressure of grinding my teeth...something I no longer do!

'Her passive aggressive behavior is all about control.'

exactly!

My brother always gloated over making us wait for him.

Well, you have a point about the control thing. That's how I usually view people show up late for stuff. If so, she's not the gloating type. She just shows up when she shows up.

I don't feel any animosity from her...we got along the best when we were young and I know she loves me. I think her religion is more about separating the sin from the sinner, etc.

I think my decision will save my sanity during the holidays.

I think that perhaps her being the "baby" of the family has something to do with this. She was held to much less strict standards than middle sister and me. She never had the responsibility of holding down a real job as an adult and supporting herself. She moved from my folk's house to her hub's house and missed out on a lot of the maturing process we go through as young adults. Or, maybe that has nothing at all to do with how she operates.

In the end, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is how I react.

Wow -- I'm glad you are getting a handle on things, Junebug. I suspect your sister has many unresolved issues with her/your mother -- maybe she doesn't even know exactly what they are (certainly not how to articulate them). I assume she's not treating her own children like this.

I do have a niggling wonder about how she can continue to treat her mother like this AND consider herself capable of teaching Bible class. (I'm not even Christian.) It seems like a disconnect. (At this point, it's not a disconnect you ever need to bring up with your sister. Not worth the energy...)

Carry on -- I feel badly that your mother is going through the longing for the daughter who won't be there -- that's not going to change, and suspect this is what is driving a good portion of your angst. You care about how this affects your mother.

The friends who are helping you with your mother -- in ways sometimes volitional "family" can be stronger than the biological. Ultimately, they'll be what counts, and are the bonds to strengthen.