Well, there may be a couple people here who say "well if you'd never got divorced you wouldn't be in this mess," but don't listen to them.

I don't really have any suggestions for you, but I'd like to comment on that I think it's good that your BF asked his son if the moving situation would be different if he didn't live with you. I think it's important to try to get honest answers from kids, and to try to get to the root of their desires. Although, TBH, I'm not sure that I would want that decision laying in the hands of a 15 yo either!

I think it's great that you know what you're upset about - because that's often the hardest part of getting through a troubling time. I hope you're communicating well with BF about why you're upset and that it all gets worked out for you!

A fifteen year old is likely to be allowed to move with whichever parent he wishes, in this situation.

Maybe your boyfriend should concentrate on strengthening the ties he does have with the boy, and trying to figure out how to make a long distance parent/child situation work. If he reacts with anger because the boy wants to live with mom, he risks losing the boy's affection, and will end up with no relationship.

Your partner is willing to dump you and destroy your life together and your financial life, in a bid to get his 15-year old son to live with him for...what, 36 months or so? And when Jr moves out at age 18 for college (or sooner because he decides 6 months after Dad kicks out his partner that he does after all want to go to Arizona with mom), well, what's Dad going to do then? Invite you back. "Ummm...Jr's gone now...you can return to my life?"

I don't think so.

Dad is either a fool, or panicking. I will assume he's panicking; he's afraid his son is going to move out to Arizona and Dad will never see him again. Unfortunately Dad's solution is not going to work on so many levels. One he's going to completely alienate you, and unless he was drifting towards splitting up anyway, you have to assume this isn't what he wanted. What is he thinking? That you will impoverish yourself moving out and he can still have a relationship with you? He'll come over on Saturday nights for intimacy and will call you every evening after Jr goes to bed? Does he realize that when you move out, that's that?

YOu need to talk to him about how he feels about you, and what he thinks is going to happen between the two of you if he kicks you out in an effort to bribe Jr. "Dear, do you realize if you kick me out to appease Jr, we are finished forever? Are you okay with that?" If Dad says yes, then the relationship is dead and has been for a bit now. If Dad says no, maybe reason will take over again, and this problem can be solved more rationally. If Dad thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, ie, you leave but still date him exclusively, Dad needs to be disabused of this notion.

I am very concerned that he seems so indifferent to your well being. But panic can do that sort of thing.

Next after he considers the impact your leaving will have on his love life, does Dad really think that giving Jr the power to determine Dad's life, is good and healthy for Jr.? OMG, what a lot of power to give a 15-year old. Will Jr start exercising that power as in "I need $1,500 for a class trip to Cancun, and if you don't give it to me, I'm going to live with Mom." or "I expect a Seabring convertible for my 16th birthday, or I'll go live with Mom."

How's Dad going to feel about forcing out his life's partner and his son spending all his time on the computer. What expectations does Dad have? Is Jr supposed to be grateful and their relationship become closer and closer, meaning, Jr will have to fill the emotional void your leaving creates? Will Dad feel betrayed if Jr goes on with his life as he has, or as Jr should be doing, and becomes ever more independent? Since Dad made this big sacrifice (you) for Jr, does he feel Jr owe him something in return?

You must feel so betrayed, hurt, stunned and devastated (and furious). Even if your partner pulls his head out of his hind parts right now, you might find it hard to trust him for a long time, if ever. You must feel so cheap and disposable. I am so sorry you have this problem.

Is there any possibility you can get a counsellor involved?

what do people talk about chores all the time. I mean how important doing chores is? Who cares? parents are being uptight. People in marriage, or parent-children relationship focus on mundane unimportant stuff like who mops the floor or washed the dishes, but emotional needs of both children and adults are not met.

And if you want your children to choose a good path in life they need to be doing school work ensuring they get a good education, read good books, do arts, sports, play music whatever is going to make them succesful adults. When they are grown, they will mop the floors. What are your plans for this child? To be a good person and succesful professional or be able to mop the floor properly?

I was so busy when i was in school with school work and painting every time I had a minute. And I grew up succesful in what I do. I did not mop the floor, had no time. I sure mop it now. Give your kids a break.

DD lived very far from her father geographically and yet developed a close relationship with him that continues in her adulthood. many children who live with their parents or close by do not develop close relationships with their parents. So geographical closeness is not everything. Your BF can be a good father even if this boy will live with mom.

FD-
"I mean how important doing chores is? Who cares? parents are being uptight."
Teaching children that they are a part of the family and that includes taking time to do chores IS a part of raising mature, independent and "good" humans! It teaches them that it isn't all about THEM. Chores are less about getting floors or dishes clean than about teaching a sense of responsibility and time management. If my teenaged child cannot take ten minutes out of his or her own interests to do a chore, then I am raising a selfish and self-centered person.
I have seen the kind of adults who you describe, and while they may make great "professionals" and be successful at a career, they are horrible to live with, and are the co-workers who expect everyone else to clean up after them. I won't go into what kind of citizen they become.
I feel it is your thinking that makes too much out of doing chores, the same as a kid who pouts about doing them.

If it were me I would be very upset right now realizing that financially my man could destroy me and my childrens lives on a whim. Maybe this is a wake up call that you need to start working on you and your childrens financial security. If he is able to drop you because he wants to make his son happy, who knows what is in store if you stay together. Maybe he will be giving his son money all the time in the future and there will be nothing left to help your children at all??

Even if you both are able to see this as nothing but a panic for him to keep his son I think it is time for you to become more independant. I am married and we have joint checking and savings accounts. The money is all "ours". But, we also have investments that we had before marriage that we never changed over into eachothers names. IF something were to happen my dh and I would both be fine because of those investments we each have, so we are not relying on eachother financially. That actually takes a big strain off of a relationship.

I have seen so many single mothers make bad decisions because they were scared about money, please don't do that.

I'm with Mom2emall for the most part on this. If this were me, I'd be figuring out my financial life without BF in the picture at all at this point.

Additionally, I do want to point out that BF does not have any financial obligation to your children and I do kind of question why you have set your life up to function in this way. BF, does however have an obligation to be a parent to his child and look out for his childs best interests. If that means letting his son move and then BF moving out so his cost of living is lower so he can afford flights and visitation time with his son, I'd have a hard time rationalizing to myself that that is wrong for BF to do. Instead of living in a household with GF and supporting her 4 kids.

This is not meant to be a dig, but it is BF's right to parent and look out for his childs best interests in all situations. Even if it is really wrong for his son to move which we only know why it is wrong in your opinion, but even so BF should still be thinking and working on how best to parent and visit with his child. IMO.

Obviously it's not good for anyone to have the situation become Dad kicks out his partner because his son said the situation was difficult for him. I agree with Ceph, though, that encouraging his son to be able to express his feelings honestly ---without punishment OR too much caving to him--- is a good thing. This can be an opportunity to build that all-important bond. Because that really is such a problem in so many relationships: people don't feel free to share their feelings without some kind of major consequence (often related to a power struggle of some sort). So, yes, the answer isn't to break up dad's relationship because of the boy's feelings. But it is a golden opportunity to HEED those feelings in the ways taht ARE appropriate, and to keep encouraging the kid to talk about his feelings. And to also try and find ways they can be minimized or worked around. For example, it may prompt realization that Dad & son need more alone time together. Or that Dad needs to reassure his son of certain things and make sure there are no 'unpleasant surprises' in store. It may prompt Dad to make a lifelong commitment to never allowing any triangular stepfamily conflicts to alienate ANYONE within it. It doesn't have to be ALL one party's way vs. everyone else losing out entirely. What it should become is the occasion for a lifelong commitment to making sure EVERYONE's needs and feelings are met as much as possible.

mrsmaddog, most children who are very involved in academics or other educational purstuits and preparing a pathway for sucess do not have time or energy for doing chores. When needs will arise, they will do chores. it is just my opinion. I focus on children's education, not chores. My brother played piano and i painted professionally very early (both do it as adults). We had no times for chores and parents did not push us. In fact my brother had to worry about his hands, so only certain chores were acceptable. We both have families and houses and children now, we do our chores now, believe me!

DD does her chores now when she lives away from home in college. She got two high school diplomas (regular high school diploma and International Baccalaurette) and rode horses. She had very little time for chores while in high school. I did not care about her doing chores.

I accept though that others have different ideas.

Well said, Giggle.

I agree with those who said that you need to worry about finances. start putting money aside, have your own bank accounts, start saving etc Make sure you have your own bank account. Just in case something happens. I hope it all will work out though. good luck

Perhaps you missed the OP's point, I read nothing about her SS being too busy to do any chores, rather he had such a negative attitude about it that the family decided to give him a free pass. Well, sorry, if I were one of the other children, I'd want a free pass,too! Cop an attitude= no chores.Baloney.
While I am sure that your upbringing was truly one of excellence, and I am not being sarcastic,let us suppose that OP's family is more the norm, and her SS is not an academic artist who hasn't got ten minutes a day to complete a single chore. Do we not hear all the time that we should treat our SC and BC the same? Well, not expecting a SC to do chores but expecting BC to do them is NOT treating them alike, is it?
I have had this same discussion in regards to adult SC who had jobs, and that was their free pass, while school was not and is not for my BC.If they have time for socializing and fun, they have time to do the darned dishes once in a while!

OP said SS was still doing chores by his fathers asking him to. That's a big stretch to say he wasn't doing any at all.

It sounds to me that SS was included in daily chores before which would include 4 other kids in a household of 7. IMO it would not be fair to expect SS who is 50/50 to pick up daily chores every other week that would include him picking up after 100% all the time there household members. While trying to fit in time with his father who is picking up a father role 100% of the time with kids who are not his bio children.

In this situation, I can see where it is fair for Dad to ask him to complete certain chores as opposed to the daily chores of household living, i.e. laundry (other than his own)would be a drain on SS's 50/50 time with his father.

A 50/50 SC is not a guest or even the same as an EOW. Having a chore or two while in either home is not too much. Dad asking for yard work to be done once in a while is not the same as being responsible for a specific chore. How long does it take to wash one load of dishes, take out the trash, clear the table? Even guests help do these things sometimes!
I suppose work and school would be a drain on SS's time with his father, too. Does this mean SS should not have any friends while he is at Dads? Should all of his time at Dad's be devoted to time with his father? Of course not. It is only when someone talks about SS doing a regular chore that his time becomes precious. I don't believe that was the problem to begin with. It probably was that SS didn't like being asked to do or reminded to do a chore by his SM.Been there, done that.
It isn't right to say treat them as equal (to the SM) then turn around and have exceptions for one because that one is "different" because of the parents' divorce. My BC had a very rough ride, too, but they do chores.

Perhaps you've missed what OP originally said.

"about the chores because he doesn't do ANY because that got to be a problem between him and me and my kids so that was the solution we came up with a long time ago. He pitches in as his dad tells him or bigger activities like yard work on occasion but no daily chores except making his bed."

It is a stretch to say he doesn't do any, but then state Dad does give him stuff to do. This is not a case of son not doing anything as you are implying.

IMO, there is nothing wrong with Dad being in charge of what chores his son does. You can presume all you want about Sons reasons for disagreeing with GF and her 4 children over the fairness of chores, but the fact remains if they can't get along then Dad should be in charge. Which is what happened.

About chores...
One of our family rules is "chores like cooking are cleaning are for everybody" and A__ (usually) follows it very well.
He always has to clean up after himself and make his own bed in the morning, but since A__ isn't here on a predictable schedule, he just helps out with whatever is going on that day otherwise. So sometimes that's only taking five minutes to set the table for supper, and sometimes that's a half hour or more of helping with heavy duty cleaning.
He knows he's expected to help out, and he's fine with that because his help is acknowledged and we don't treat him like a workhorse.

Ceph, that does not seem unreasonable to me. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz.

Really, my only point was that chores for a household of 7 are going to be vastly different (depending on the chore) than a household of 2 or 3. Add to the fact that Dad took over this with his son, so I'm not really understanding some posters reactions to what the son should be doing and stating that the Son in this case had an attitude and does no chores. It seems to be projecting their own problems rather than what the OP stated.

I would hesitate to even take the son's "reason" at face value. Did he volunteer, "hey dad, I'd really prefer to stay here and live with you except for the fact that it's just so stressful at your place with pinnacle and all her kids there" or did dad pressure him into explaining why he "chose mom over dad"? ((because from your post it sounds more like the second, especially since he said he still wouldn't pick dad even if he didn't live with you)). First, his mom decides to move which makes him have to choose which parent to live with, then his dad gets his feelings hurt and makes him explain why son didn't choose dad. No surprise to me he came up with a reason that has nothing to do with either parent per se (so he really isn't choosing mom over dad, you see, and no one's feelings need to be hurt)... not that it may not have a bit of truth to it, but I'd bet the bigger issue is the boy's been put in a tough spot and is trying (in clumsy teenage manner) to avoid upsetting either parent.