Are these overwhelming feelings normal?

Yes. Absolutely. You now longer will have time for yourself, it's part of motherhood, whether or not the children are yours biologically. I, too, dreamed of a life of leisure and travel when I graduated dental school. After so many years of studying, I could work and then enjoy the fruits of my labor, lol, or so I thought. I was needed to raise my 3 Dear Nephews, who I still love to this day as my own (now 15, 17, 19.) Gone were the days of a nice long bubble bath, a shower w/o being interrupted, etc. But, the rewards and unconditional love I received in return were well worth it all. I now have 3 sons (3, almost 5, and 7) and 3 steps (22, 24, 26) and the MOST challenging role of all has been that of a SM. Long on sorrow and short on rewards in my case, but we had my DH's ex severely hinder things though now she is out of the picture. My DH is 19 yrs. older than me.
Is this what raising children is like in a step-mother role?

Yes, it's tough. I think it's easiest when the kids are either very young or fully grown and parents have divorced a long time ago, so no hope in their minds of a reconciliation.
You aren't the mom, as many don't hesitate to tell you, but you pay the bills, do all the household chores, cook, drive them around, etc. Often it's short on rewards, high on frustration, but I do know of many who have had it far easier than I have.

Things have gotten better, but it is still an enormous challenge
Do any of you regret the decision you made?

Every day on some level. Right now, I have the added stress of my 24 y.o. living w/ us and it's driving me crazy as it's very disruptive to my three young sons. I cook, clean, etc, and she lays out by the pool, though she's been better about trying to help out since a blow up occurred last month.

My DH and I have $ issues, are both seen as wealthy Drs, and the kids have caviar taste but not great work ethics. I'm paying for a student loan my 26 y.o. SS won't pay (he's now MIA for 3 yrs.) So, while I used to be angry about respect issues regarding the steps, now I resent the $ thrown their way when we are struggling to pay property taxes. We look good on the surface (have a few properties) but I'm scared to death as May closes and we haven't paid the taxes on our office bldg! I also resent my DH for not setting boundaries w/ his grown kids either now or in the past, and for not demanding they respect me from the start. I wanted to be laid back, not argumentative and it kind of backfired, though on the surface, they are all very well mannered.

Comments/suggestions please?

We went to marriage counseling once and should have gone more. I think that would benefit you at this early stage. It's a huge undertaking you are in for, so go into it with your eyes wide open. I never intruded on my DH's visitation w/ his kids when we dated, felt like they needed to reestablish their relationship before having me thrown at them. But, your situation is different. DH and I had a lot of alone time as he was the noncustodial parent. Your bf is the custodial parent, so this is it. I've never had hired help w/ my kids. DH and I rarely go out. My mother watches them as a paid nanny when I work, 3 days/week now, so I hate to ask her to do more on weekends. My SD has helped 2 times in 6 months and I was so worried that I only left her w/ 2 of the 3 each time. For you and your bf to get a break, you will need some more help than just housekeeping. You need alone time. If he's worth it, it will all work out.

We had children after I wasn't sure I wanted them going into the marriage. His daughters reacted HORRIBLY to the news! But, I do think they have grown to love the boys sincerely and it's all worked out in that dept. So, if you want kids, have them, but be sure you are ready for the whole package for the rest of your life.

Good luck. These kids may truly grow to love you and vice versa. My nephews called me "mommy" for years and my SD, despite our differences, gave me a Mother's Day card to "MOTHER." It was sweet.

Keep posting,
Dana

Is this what it's like?
Yes - this is what it's like.

Will it stay this way?
Probably - with a whole lot of ups and downs. It's not going to get a whole lot better without a whole lot of work and a whole lot of luck since both ex's are problems.

Will you be happy beinging future children of your own into the mix?
If you read around on this Forum, it seems that more often than not, for the StepMom's, adding their own biological children to the mix makes them want to kick his kids out of the nest. There's this unspoken (usually) idea that life would be perfect except for these other little brats... Sad, but in many cases, true.

So you need to decide if this is the life you want to lead -- not some prettied-up fairy tale version -- but this life -- the one you're experiencing now. Because it sounds like your experiences have been pretty realistic.

What Sweeby said, and....I'm sorry, but a man with 2 failed marriages would send up a red flag for me, especially 2 failed marriages that produced children. It is harder to end a marriage with children. It's the last thing anyone wants to do. Yet he had two end.

There are three sides to every story....his, hers, and the truth.
Find out the truth before you find yourself ex #3.

I am also 3rd wife. Wife #1 is MIA. Wife #2 is a PITA. Also FT SM to 4 children.

My house used to be calm and quiet. I could putz around on the weekends and had time for myself. That was 2 years ago I kind of remember those days.

Are these overwhelming feelings normal?
...yes they certainly are. If they were your own you would be used to it by now .... but as SMs we get a crash course into what a "big" family is.

Is this what raising children is like in a step-mother role?
...As long as you are content with having a messy, noisy house and doing it all ... get bf involved in caring for his children. Do not take it all upon yourself. You will make yourself miserable and resentful later on.

Things have gotten better, but it is still an enormous challenge
...It will get worse... If their behavior isn't effecting you directly stay out of it. Let bf dish out any consequences. Clear it with daddy.. go ask daddy.. what did daddy say. Refer them to their dad with any questions they ask you.

Do any of you regret the decision you made?
...the only decision I regret is making myself completely available to be a doormat to wife #2. If I had nipped it in the bud 2 years ago I wouldn't be so angry with myself now. If your first instinct is to say "no" stick to it!!! Let BF "deal" with the ex's.

Take care of yourself first...then the "family".

Its crazy,i know...i also married a guy with four kids.I have two of my own so altogether its 6!!It is extremely challenging and very exhausting if you ask me.I have had alot of therapy since there have been alot of issues that have come up since we became a "blended family".It has really helped.His kids all have issues so it makes it just a "tad" bit more difficult.I had to establish alot of ground-rules and structure in order to get some order within the household.At first it was really hard because his kids were basically so use to running wild and doing whatever the hell they pleased.It took time but eventually they realized that i was "in control" and i wasn't going to put up with their crap.My husband has been really supportive and also enforces the rules we have agreed on-so we always have a united front when dealing with them.
They were told from the very beggining that they did not have to "love" me but they did have to "respect" me.I've never had to deal with any x's so that has been a plus for me,i don't think i would have stayed if i had to deal with that dramaqueen honestly...We still find it challenging to go out and spend time together,its not easy getting a sitter for this many kids.But we try to squedule "alone time" and get the kids in bed earlier on certain nights-just so we could spend some quality time alone.

You are not alone girlfriend!

Hiya - newbie here, but I feel right at home on this forum after reading many, many posts in the last couple of days. cawfecup's advice is really good (as usual); I go through regular cycles of disengaging, then getting more involved because I actually care about my stepkids, then have to remind myself to "disengage" again - though I also believe that in "my" home it is reasonable to have rules and boundaries. I used to get "used" by the lazy ex-wife until I put my foot down (in an email - gutless, but at least I could choose my words carefully). Now all dealings with her are via my partner. She does not ask me directly any more as I avoid talking to her - and if I do and something comes up, I tell her I'll get back to her (and don't).

Though I have noticed she is now trying to get me to do things via my SS - like sewing name tags on his clothes because she's too goddamn lazy to go out and buy some.

Don't know what your situation was, but until I came along there was no real contender for step-mother so EW had a position of "authority" in my partner's life. And she hasn't adjusted well to the change. She continues to believe she is the most important parent out of her and hmy partner! :)

Hang in there but carve out your boundaries very clearly.