I'm seeing two different issues 1) you resent your husband talking/suggesting aborting a child 2) you can't separate what he did 2 plus yrs ago compared to 8 yrs old. And now he wants a 2nd chance at what he 'blew off' 20 yrs ago. I actually suggest counseling to deal with your feelings of 8 yrs ago. You have to come to grips that one has little to do with the other. Of course, easier said than done. 20 yrs ago I'll assume your husband was young, stupid, selfish and irresponsible. A living breathing child of that era has contacted him and wants to see what his 'bio-dad' is all about. The son is not looking for a 'daddy', he's all grown up and he had a 'daddy' all those yrs who loved and cared for him (just not his bio-father). The idea of this son getting to know his bio-dad, perhaps spending a bit of time, should not threaten your husband's relationship with you and/or your kids. Why would the son interupt what your husband and you/kids have built for a family? It's two different things. Just as the son does not need a 'daddy' he does not need a 'mommy' either. You don't have to be stepmom of the year nor evil stepmom. You're the son's bio-father's new wife, really nothing more to this son. Why would you want to make the son feel like you must be the evil stepmom? If your husband for example decided to have dinner with the son: three things can happen 1) husband, you and son meet for dinner 2) you decide to stay home and allow the father/son time to discover each other 3) you toss a fit, insist your feelings are hurt and that this somehow endangers your current relationship with between husband and you. Why feel sorry about the 'daddy' who did raise and support the son? The gentleman does not need your pity. Obviously the guy raised the child into an adult out of love. The guy/son's relationship and bonds are totally different than whatever happens between the son and your husband. The son is curious of who the man who 'made' him is, what happened, why, blah blah. It's a natural curiousity. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the son will decide your husband is a jerk and want little more to do with him after a bit of getting to know him. Maybe son and bio-father will instead have an adult man to man relationship and grow to respect each other. They'll never know if you hold them back from trying. If you hold them back, both perhaps will always resent your 'issues' with the fact the son exist. You can't wave a magic wand and wish the son away. There should be no reason this son comes in and threatens whatever life your husband and you have built together over the last 8 yrs. One has little to do with the other. This is something between the son and your husband. A relationship may work out, it may not. Unless this son is stating he's moving in with you your life should pretty much go on as it is now. The only difference would be that now that life might occassionally include the presence of an adult son. Is there more to the son like perhaps drug/illegal issues that he may be bringing to the table? Has the son given any indication that he resents you/your kids? That he intends to come into your life and be mean and nasty rather than simply curious and wanting a chance to know who your family is? I'm not trying to downplay what happened 8 yrs ago nor your feelings over having/not having children, just saying that if your husband is dead serious about getting to know the now man he walked away from 20 some yrs ago and you really are having a hard time with it, perhaps some counseling to sort out what/how/why you feel may be benefical. It may also help your husband understand your feelings and hesitancy. That it's not about the actual living breathing person (the son) that it goes deeper for you.

Hi, Wow..your story is so similar to mine as far as how your step mother is acting. My mom passed away 2 years ago after a lengthy battle with COPD and kidney failure. My dad checked out of their relationship emotionally quite a few years ago, but stayed with my mom out of pure loyalty. He also was never a really good father, or grandfather either. 2 months after my mom passed, my dad started living with a woman he met on an online dating site. She had just lost her husband a few months prior, and it seemed they had quite a bit in common. I struggled with his new relationship at first, and wondered how in the world he could move on while the tears from my moms funeral were still fresh in my eyes. I decided that my dad couldn't spend the rest of his life alone, so I gave his new woman a chance. We got along really well at first- and she was eager to meet and care for my two young kids as she was not allowed to visit her only grandchild. I didn't really dig into the reason why at the time, but I wish I had. The first entire year we knew her, she showered us with gifts, household items, money if we needed it- my daughter had so many gifts for Christmas that year that she got tired of opening them. She even loaned my sister some expensive luggage to take on a trip to California. She encouraged us to visit my dad, and said she would never try to replace my mom, but wanted her own relationship with us. A few months into their relationship, my dad had to have a 5 bypass heart surgery. The surgery was at my dads girlfriends urging. He proposed to her just before he went under anesthesia, and made her his DPOA. Then, the alienation started, with my younger sister. Shortly before my dad met this woman, my dad discovered that he could "keep" my mom's life insurance money. Before then, we were under the impression that we would have to give it all back to the state to pay for her time in all the different nursing homes. My dad called each one of us kids and told us that 20,000 dollars would be coming our way. He set it up with his bank, who informed him to only take small amounts out each time. So we each got 1000 to start with, and were told when we needed the rest to let my dad know. Shortly after my dad moved in with his new fling, each of us kids were informed that the money was going to stop, and all of the rest would be going to pay for my dad's medical bills. I was disappointed, but understood that dad needed to pay for his bills. My sister was irate- and called wanting to talk to my dad. She was angry, and before she could say much, my dad's now fiancee grabbed the phone away and scolded her for making my dad upset because he had just had surgery. Things got worse from there. It ended in names being exchanged, and my dad's fiancee reminding my sister that she needed to return her luggage. I understood my dad's fiancee's point, and agreed that my sister should return her luggage and should never have acted that way. From that day on- that's all we heard about "Your sister is a thief and won't return my luggage." then it went to my sister was an alcoholic and probably sold the luggage to pay for beer. Before long, my sister was a piece of crap, a thief, and no one should trust her. A few months after that whole fiasco, I became pregnant. My dad's fiancee jumped all over that, refused to let me even drive to my appointments, and demanded that I let her take me to every one. She even bought me lunch afterwards. We started becoming close, and I allowed her into the sonogram room and even into the exam room when I had my appointments- I told people she was my mom. When it came time for the baby shower- she took control of it all and pretty much wouldn't even let my mother in law help. Everything was over the top- and I didn't even really bat an eye. A few months after my son was born, we had a family crisis. My sister felt like she had lost my dad, didn't get along at all with his fiancee, and felt completely alone. She threatened to commit suicide. I called my dad, pleading with him to get in contact with my sister, and instead he told his fiancee. She right away got on the phone and set up a trip to go see her- my kids and all. Asked me if I could be ready to go the next morning, and we did. When we got back from the trip to see my sister, everything changed. The once happy, carefree, go getting, loving woman that I thought was with my dad flipped a 360. Every time I called or wanted to stop by, it was like I was bothering her. If I called asking if my dad and her wanted to watch the kids, I was bothering her. Then she started sending all of the kids things she had at her house home to me My dad started having the same cold attitude towards me. One day, I got tired of walking on eggshells and asked: Whats going on? What has changed? She pretty much laid into me about how horrible of a person I was- I never thank them for anything they do, don't return things, I'm just trying to take my dad's money..and it went on and on. I was in tears by the end of it. We hadn't had any communication between the two of us until a few days ago when she sent me an 8 page handwritten letter- again telling me how horrible, selfish, etc. I was. I read the letter to my mother in law, brother, and husband, then threw it away. My dad married this woman about a month ago-in what he told me was a private ceremony with just one of my uncles and my grandma there. Found out yesterday both of her children were allowed to be there. I'm hurt, and feel like I've lost my father..

Chloe, everyone is correct that your husband is the problem. The SS also has the beginnings of some behaviour problems, that will get worse as he gets older. Unless you make some big changes, this situation is going to deteriorate as your SS gets bigger and more uncontrollable, and your husband gets more accustomed to ignoring your needs and those of his younger son. The only person that can control your destiny is you. Right now, you are allowing a child to abuse you and your husband to mistreat you. You need to find out why you are letting this happen to you. I recommend that you get some counselling so that you you can explore whether or not your husband is willing and able to treat you appropriately. If you have any family or close friends, you also need to reach out to them for support at this time. This is not a situation of a little kid causing problems at your house. This is a problem in your marriage, and in your husband's ability to be a good partner and parent. It may be the case that he is not up to the task and you will need a strong support network to help you and your baby.

I'm confused? The examples you gave are rather mundane. She got your long hair cut and you had to "endure" mint jelly on sandwiches? And, "weren't allowed to go to the wedding" can depend on a lot of different things. When one of my relatives got married, she only had six people there and they were all adults. I do find it interesting, however, that you used the term proverbial bad stepmother. Maybe a better way to say this would have been, "Like most, I use my stepmother as a scapegoat to blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life." I'm not saying every stepmom is perfect, but I am saying that if you are going to make it sound like she is a witch who has damaged you for life by putting mint jelly on your sandwiches, then clearly stepmom will never be able to win. I agree you should be disengaged, as much for her sake, as for yours.