TIA, It's true about a situation being 95% of what we make of it and that's why I suggest you make the situation 95% to suit you! Stop trying to please SS! He does not want to be pleased & he will never like you. He's all about punishing you. Your the adult so take charge. Since SS is treating your home like an hotel and treating you worse than a slave servant. Tell your H the situation is causing unhappiness for you all & ask him to accommodate & visit with his son separately. or Hire a full time cleaning woman when SS is by you & have her also order takeout for him. She's to do only cleaning & takeout meal ordering. Absolutely NO cooking. No exceptions! Totally ignore SS. If none of the above is an option for you, I suggest you STOP catering to SS whims & STOP cleaning up after SS. Leave the mess as is and totally ignore him. If H complains about the mess. Offer to call in a cleaning woman to clean up the mess. Absolutely refuse to clean & or do anything for for SS. SS has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that he does not want to be part of you & H's family. You can also tell H that while you understand that by marrying H, SS is part of the "package", BUT being mistreated & disrespected is NOT part of the "package"! Hopefully this helps. If not, you may have to walk away, because when a husband refuses to protect his own wife from mistreatment & or abuse, this sort of thing doesn't improve it just gets worse & WORSE!

I'm seeing two different issues 1) you resent your husband talking/suggesting aborting a child 2) you can't separate what he did 2 plus yrs ago compared to 8 yrs old. And now he wants a 2nd chance at what he 'blew off' 20 yrs ago. I actually suggest counseling to deal with your feelings of 8 yrs ago. You have to come to grips that one has little to do with the other. Of course, easier said than done. 20 yrs ago I'll assume your husband was young, stupid, selfish and irresponsible. A living breathing child of that era has contacted him and wants to see what his 'bio-dad' is all about. The son is not looking for a 'daddy', he's all grown up and he had a 'daddy' all those yrs who loved and cared for him (just not his bio-father). The idea of this son getting to know his bio-dad, perhaps spending a bit of time, should not threaten your husband's relationship with you and/or your kids. Why would the son interupt what your husband and you/kids have built for a family? It's two different things. Just as the son does not need a 'daddy' he does not need a 'mommy' either. You don't have to be stepmom of the year nor evil stepmom. You're the son's bio-father's new wife, really nothing more to this son. Why would you want to make the son feel like you must be the evil stepmom? If your husband for example decided to have dinner with the son: three things can happen 1) husband, you and son meet for dinner 2) you decide to stay home and allow the father/son time to discover each other 3) you toss a fit, insist your feelings are hurt and that this somehow endangers your current relationship with between husband and you. Why feel sorry about the 'daddy' who did raise and support the son? The gentleman does not need your pity. Obviously the guy raised the child into an adult out of love. The guy/son's relationship and bonds are totally different than whatever happens between the son and your husband. The son is curious of who the man who 'made' him is, what happened, why, blah blah. It's a natural curiousity. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the son will decide your husband is a jerk and want little more to do with him after a bit of getting to know him. Maybe son and bio-father will instead have an adult man to man relationship and grow to respect each other. They'll never know if you hold them back from trying. If you hold them back, both perhaps will always resent your 'issues' with the fact the son exist. You can't wave a magic wand and wish the son away. There should be no reason this son comes in and threatens whatever life your husband and you have built together over the last 8 yrs. One has little to do with the other. This is something between the son and your husband. A relationship may work out, it may not. Unless this son is stating he's moving in with you your life should pretty much go on as it is now. The only difference would be that now that life might occassionally include the presence of an adult son. Is there more to the son like perhaps drug/illegal issues that he may be bringing to the table? Has the son given any indication that he resents you/your kids? That he intends to come into your life and be mean and nasty rather than simply curious and wanting a chance to know who your family is? I'm not trying to downplay what happened 8 yrs ago nor your feelings over having/not having children, just saying that if your husband is dead serious about getting to know the now man he walked away from 20 some yrs ago and you really are having a hard time with it, perhaps some counseling to sort out what/how/why you feel may be benefical. It may also help your husband understand your feelings and hesitancy. That it's not about the actual living breathing person (the son) that it goes deeper for you.

Yes, I agree that SM was out of line, however, what has happened in the past to make her feel left out, disrespect, and not loved? I have never blown up at anyone, however, as a step mother I have felt frustrated, unloved, unwanted, disrespect, stepped on, left out, ignored by my step children. They have manipulated and hurt my DH and I so many times I cannot count them. And just when I think things are fine, here they come again with another hurtful manipulating attempt to cause friction in our marriage. I get so tried and frustrated that deep down inside I feel like letting go and yelling at someone. It is stressful being a step mother. I have always been loved, liked, embraced by all people I have met in my life (over 45 years). However, not with these step kids. I have tried and tried, but nothing is good enough and they continue to attempt to make our marriage difficult. If the SKs only realized that when they hurt me they hurt their father maybe they would let up. Just keep all of this in mind before you totally condem you SM. She has probably been through alot.

I did a search on motorcycle, and I landed here reading your post. I want to say to you it's better to have 2 moms than none. They all have good, bad, and selfish side. It could be a lot of worse if two of them were going through life changing at the same time...... do not feel sorry for yourself, everything happens for a reason-to make you a stronger person. You are getting your college education, and why not keep going to get your Master's degree, that could land you a good pay job, a PHD could be even better, with a Dr. next to your name. Just 3 more years of school for a Master's degree, you can do it. Be strong, forget about all the bad moments of your stepmom, clear it out your head, let it go with the wind, that's her problem not yours. Try to forgive her if you can. Your Life, your future is your focus right now, not hers, you have the power to change your life, you have the opportunity to make your life better, everything is in your own hands. Moving forward, looking ahead, you're very bright to get your education to archive skills, You're very lucky in many ways. One day at a time, one class at a time, you will get there.......study hard, really hard, you're building your future by getting all the good grades, there is nothing can stop you to have a bright future!