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A sad, sad day

16 years ago

As many of you know we have had previous problems with our 19yr old SD. And we had let her move home to rehabilitate herself. She made it a little under a month before screwing up again. She had been working full time and seeing a counselor. Then this past weekend we were all going down to my Mom's cabin for memorial day. She stated she had to work and couldn't attend. So we gave her the house rules and took off. Came home Monday to find she had moved out, taking anything of value... (including my grandmother's jewelry) and left a pile of beer bottles in the middle of the kitchen. My 6yr old daughter and 11 year old SD found her note that said.. "I'm not happy here" and they were crying when I reached the door. To them all they see is their sister wasn't happy around them.. I tried to explain to them that it wasn't them but you know how kids are. Then today she has the nerve to call and tell me she has no money for groceries! I confronted her about stealing the jewelry and other items from the house.. and her response was.. "If you really considered me your child then why can't I have Grandma's jewelry!" (She never even knew my grandmother) and I told her that as of now we don't consider her our child... harsh I know.. but to me if she is willing to steal from us she doesn't consider us her family either. Regaurdless she did return the jewelry minus a couple of peices she said she had traded to a friend of hers for something.. She said she would try to get them back. I told her that we would always love her, and had only ever tried to do what is best for her. But also explained that she had become too time consuming and desructive and was constantly hurting the other children. So effective from here on out we will not be at her disposal. We are moving on as much as it tears my heart out, she can't be around us anymore.

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Comments (3)

vistajpdf
16 years ago
I am so, so, sorry you have had to endure this. I don't know the earlier story as I'm rather new here, but it sounds as if you and your husband have afforded this young woman every opportunity to better herself, but she has continued to make poor choices.

I think you have done what you have had to do - she must have known there would be consequences to her actions.

Sorry about the younger kids. That's tough, but is probably best to just say that she is "sick" and when she is well again, she will be part of the family once more. Reiterate that they didn't make her sick - that she hasn't been making the best decisions and now will hopefully make better ones and improve.

Sorry about the jewelry. I know my SS stole my china (5 pc place settings for 16) and it is tough to take. About her trying to put a guilt trip on you about being your "daughter", just say, "Yes, I would have GIVEN it to you had you expressed an interest, on my terms. To have your steal from me like a common thief is definitely NOT something I expect from family."

Good luck,
Dana
jerseystepmom
16 years ago
Wow, I'm really sorry that you had to deal with that. It sounds like you definitely need to move on to the "tough love" part of parenting with her. And I totally agree with Dana about what to say to her comment about the jewelry. If she had asked and not stolen it, it would be a completely different story (not that you would have said yes, but it would have shown respect for you.) I also agree with how to handle the younger ones....they do need to understand that this is unacceptable....and that it is about what she did, not what they did!

This reinforces why I have taken a hard line with my 20 y/o SD -- who stole from me last summer (over and over!). I will not allow her in my house alone because she has shown that she cannot be trusted. Yours has too and you need to show her that these are the consequences for her behavior (don't know about yours, but my SD never had any consequences for her behavior.....her mother either accepted the obvious lies from her daughter, lied to us about it, or made it excuses for her. Like you, we have another younger child watching all of this and this is an important lesson for them too -- we cannot and will not tolerate disrespect, lying, stealing, etc.....and there will be consequences for breaking the rules (not just house rules, but the rules you need to live by in our society in order to be successful and have some integrity!).

Good luck.....! (does she have a key....you may want to change the locks.....)
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sandstone
Original Author
16 years ago
No she does not have a key.. and yes tough love is the only way now. her mother has not had any contact with her for many years. My husband and I had gaurdianship of her. It is just so dissapointing that she has sunk this low

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