[Continuing this thread from the last one, b/c the other one's reached its max and b/c it's also gone kind of off-topic]

Hopper,

After reading your last post, I am actually quite impressed with your perspective and articulateness. I was glad to be corrected on a few things I'd made assumptions on [my mistake], and in some ways it sounds like you and I might actually get along swimmingly in 'real life'...

I do have a few more questions. First, you mentioned that you have 'the one thing' that your husband's first wife did not have. By that I wasn't sure if you meant something specific such as the ability to work with him in the job context or something broader, as in a better relationship in general. Second, how old are you? (Not to judge you based on your age, because it seems clear to me that you are in several ways 'ahead of your years', but just to get an idea.) Third, I take it you don't have children, but correct me if I am wrong on that.

Having a better day than I did yesterday, I will try to offer my perspective without getting too bitter-sounding about it, and ideally you will take from it an 'inside view' into an adult SD's mind. I'll break it into chunks:

-First of all, you are correct that the SD's have some insecurities that are coloring their view of you. To some extent, that would be the case no matter who or what the circumstances, as you already realize. I speak from what I consider to be self-aware experience. My biological parents married when they were in college and also "grew apart" (to put it simply). They had some things in common that my dad and his current wife will never share (i.e. a certain kind of intelligence, sense of irony and a level of discernment that SM doesn't possess; also, my dad was much more free-thinking and liberal in his worldview then ---my mom still is--- and my SM has sort of turned him into this reactionary pseudo-redneck type, at least on the surface and in certain moments). But my mom & dad also had plenty of problems, and it is equally true that my dad and SM share things my mom didn't (i.e. a more relaxed attitude about household aesthetics, an appreciation of "meat n' potatoes" American-ness, a sense of humor just of a different kind, and probably better sex because my mom was a virgin and dealt with some heavy issues with that early in her life.... yes, mom & I talk very openly... lol) My point in all of this is that as much as I love both my parents and want them to be happy past, present and future, there is always going to be a part of me that hurts as the 'product' of the [relatively] 'failed' union. It evokes deep insecurities about being lovable, on both sides, when 'who you come from' ---both of them--- were ultimately rejected as mates, and in the really official way of a divorce. It also establishes a fear that relationships don't last, that you may have 'inherited' the tendency ---again, from both sides--- to just not be quite up-to-par. Thus, it's classic that children of divorce deal with more insecurity & abandonment issues. But here's the thing: I don't in any way feel annoyed or competitive or irritated that my mom and *stepfather* have a 'better' relationship than my mom and dad had; but I do feel irritated hearing such from my SM (and she loves to say so all the time). Maybe it's a gender issue, maybe it's because I know my Dad cheated on my mom (thus activating the 'sub-par' factor), but I think a large part of it is SM's attitude of superiority and constantly having to prove herself to be 'Number One', 'first', 'better', in a way that my step-dad would never ever do. Hopper, I picked up a bit of that attitude in you yesterday. Today your post showed a lot more perspective and humility, and I can tell that you're not quite the arrogant person I presumed you to be yesterday. But the thing is: DO YOUR SD'S KNOW THIS? Do they see that humility in you? Have you talked to them openly about these things, trusted them with those moments of vulnerability? You may be giving them an impression of arrogance you don't intend, one that might not even be remotely who you are. And in your case where it wasn't DIVORCE that ended the previous marriage but the DEATH of their mother, there is even more potential for any perceived arrogance on your part to feel like a slap to their mother's face. I'm not saying change who you are or how you behave. But it's an insight as to why you might be encountering their distance and dislike. If you don't care, you don't care, but then you have to realize that the tension will manifest somewhere in your lives and you will have to be prepared to deal with it.

-The other main point I'd want to make has to do with your husband. Yesterday I made a point of showing how people who say they aren't in control of what their spouse does regarding his/her children often ARE in more covert ways when there's a situation where the kids get rejected, dissed, abandoned in a way that seems disproportionate to whatever their "wrongdoings" (or, more often, just "wrong feelings") are. It's also possible, as I suspect it may be in your situation, that the step-parental spouse has more influence than THEY THEMSELVES EVEN KNOW. In other words, you may not even be aware of how you are affecting DH's attitude towards his daughters. But consider his attitude at this juncture. He is clearly evidencing a defensive kind of hard-line stance with them that suggests he has felt he needs to make a choice, and thus aggressively rationalize the choice he has made by drawing this hard line. He is clearly NOT being empathetic to whatever they might be feeling, not bothering to even ask them to discuss it with him in a safe way where they won't be invalidated for sharing their feelings. He obviously does not 'approve' of insecurity, choosing to condemn it and reject it outright rather than understand it. Why? That is just not very bio-parental, as a parent generally feels an instinct to know, understand and help heal their child's hurts. Something is driving this hard-line approach of his. Something is making him perceive that the situation doesn't allow for his daughters to have their personal feelings (regarding you) and wishes met without it causing some kind of other unpleasant consequence. He is willing to even give up being present at his own daughter's wedding to avoid that negative consequence, and that is NO SMALL THING. It may very well be not at all your doing; maybe you try with all your might to encourage him to understand, listen to and love his daughters as best he can. But if it *IS* just him creating his hard-line stance, I would seriously look at that. If it's not anything *you're* saying or suggesting, why is he being so un-empathetic and invalidating of their needs? If he's at all intelligent, he will no doubt be aware that the death of their mother and his remarriage to a woman younger than them is going to raise some issues and be at least somewhat difficult for them to absorb. Is he averse to insecurity in general? Does he avoid dealing with it in himself? Does he have any lingering animosity towards their mother that might be being projected onto them? Or, conversely, does he feel a need to distance himself from them because the pain of watching his wife die of cancer was too much to bear? This is part of why I painted the doom-and-gloom scenario I painted yesterday about 'watch out for when he starts hating you'... His attitude toward his daughters (and their mother) is inextricably bound, in one way or the other, to his attitude toward you. It may be a parallel relationship, may be an inversion, may be a prognostication of what may happen if YOU ever dare to express insecurity, immaturity, etc. (There's already going to be a structural similarity in the relationships because it's extremely difficult in relationships with big age diffference to not in some ways replicate a "parent-child" relationship, even if it's not an obvious connection; thus, in one way or the other, you are somewhat of a 'daughter' to him, whether or not you and he cringe at even the thought of it.) It's in everyone's best interest to seriously consider why it seems so evident that DH will so definitely drop someone (his daughter on her wedding day) for the sake of someone else. Ideally, the feeling that he has to choose, or that there will be negative consequences on BOTH sides, should be minimized. Something is prompting him to turn away from his daughters, and it's just plain not a good enough reason for it that they happen to be having some issues with your existence. Because that is normal and to be expected; it's not insurmountable, either, but a lot of that depends on how much he is willing to truly empathize with their feelings and needs. If he's not, he stands a great risk of losing them, and unless he's made of ice, losing them won't be easy for him, and it will come to affect you too.

I hope my perspective helps, I really do.