NP. Didn't realize I transposed. My fault. I'm not saying OP is like my SM. But I want OP to have the perspective of a SKID rather than another stepmother. Some adult SKIDS don't know when to get out of their parents business and are really brutal to their SM/SF. It's my opinion that the OP and DH are perfectly within their rights to marry and have kids - but the DH's kids have the right to not like the SM. BUT... the DH needs to set boundaries for his wife so that she is treated with respect as being dad's choice of partner. That's what my dad DIDN'T do. He made it clear he was wishy-washy, I never expected them to marry as he *just wasn't that in to her*, and she was really not nice... So, being in my early 20's I stood up for, and protected, my dad. Which was not my place. But kids will do that before they realize better :) And my dad did play both sides but it took me years to figure that out. HA! Two years ago he was visiting with out her and he said all this stuff about her... blah blah blah... and I kept quiet. Finally he stopped. And indicated he wanted a response from me. And I said... do you want my opinion? Or are you just venting? Because I could see the difference. And it IS inappropriate for him to talk to me about her. But welcome to my relationship with my father, lol. Not much OP can do though. Sounds like Skids are pretty set in their opinion of her. So my advice is not to let your child be in any situation where people/family would be venomous but do make every effort to have him know his siblings. If SD's won't let you stay in their home, you and DH should stay somewhere else. I really dislike my SM (but she has been incredibly mean and vindictive and selfish) and I still allow her to stay in my home, make her feel welcome and do my best to treat her as a guest when she visits. So either you've been REALLY HORRIBLE or your SKIDS aren't grown up enough to bite their tongues and take one for Dad's team. So. #1 priority is keeping your son safe and in a good environment. #2 priority is your relationship with your DH and #3 priority is doing your best :) to encourage a good relationship between DH and DS and the rest of the family. Not much you can do to change their minds but to live your life and try not to hold a grudge. I hope they come around. It would be a shame for your son to miss out on knowing his siblings and nieces and nephews.

Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

Thanks for the replies. It's comforting just to hear from other people's points of view. Yes, he does truly call them. He cannot leave messages because they cannot afford to check their voicemail and have told him that. So he calls and calls and calls. Just tried calling again right now and it just rang and rang. The guilt. Hmm... THat is tough. Yes they were divorced when the girls were young. He did the best he could to be an influence on them but ended up living in America for business reasons. The mother gave them zero boundaries and zero rules and they were having their boyfriends over in their bedrooms by the time they were 13 years old. So yes, not a lot of brilliant parenting going on! LOL. But I agree. There are plenty of stories where kids are raised with less then ideal circumstances and find the inner strength to make something of their lives. The issue is truly that they are adults now and have families of their own. They play this guilt game to the enth degree. They pretty much only get on a computer and send a message to ask for money. That's it. DH feels bad for exactly the reasons of parent_of_one. The points were true but he knows he said them in a hurtful way. And ultimately, he only wanted to say how he felt. Not be judgmental. We have a wonderful relationship but he absolutely refuses to get any sort of counseling regarding these guilt issues. He claims it is because he is British. But I think it is also a money issue. He would rather take the money that would be spent on counseling and send it to them. My problem with that is why should we both work and they sit around and have kids they can't afford and expect us to send them money?! That's crazy. For a while there we were sending them groceries every month. Anyway, I am meandering from my initial question. I appreciate your responses more than I can ever express. As for being the wife in the middle, I used to call them and reach out to them quite a lot. We had flown them over to stay with us several times. ($5000 each time) And we had flown over there to visit them and spend quality time etc etc. But for whatever reason, they feel like I keep their Dad from them. One of them said. "You get Dad all the time. We just want him for a visit all on our own without you." So he flew over there alone this spring. At MY suggestion. I didn't know what else to do. Maybe we are both completely manipulated by their tactics but I just want everyone to get along and have some sort of relationship! Sheesh. Well, I shall say thanks again and check back in for more replies. I appreciate all of you immensely.

I have not meant to ignore your response to me. I appreciate your thoughts and the time you took to share them. Last year, DH & I did go together to do our shopping. I just had little input to offer. I tried to encourage him in the ideas he had for gifts for his children. I just backed off with respect to adding his kids to my mental list of gifts to think about. For example, a few years back, one of DH's kids & their spouse moved to a new city after the first of the year. Well, I had a friend of a friend who was a long time resident of that city. I contacted that friend & asked for restaurant recommendations. I also did some research of my own & ultimately, DH & I gave them gift certificates to about four restaurants in different parts of the city. We thought it would be a neat way to encourage them to learn their way around and visit different areas. I think they liked the gift and it was one where I invested the lion's share of time and energy to make it happen. The other thing I might mention here & where I think BMs on this site make a valid point --- while I believe DH's child valued the gift, I also think this child knew the gift was more my doing than DH's, & I think the child resented this a bit....I think the child wanted the gift from Dad to be just that, a gift from Dad (not SM, not Dad's wife). Anyway, for the past couple years, I just haven't worked that hard on gifts for his kids. I encourage him to think about gifts for them & I offer him support in his efforts to come up with something special. With respect to his birthday party....actually, DH is not a big party person & I do not think a party is something he would value. What I thought he would treasure was time with his kids that was not diluted by some other occasion bringing them together. The gift would be time with them. I believe acknowledging his birthday is something they will do. They are actually good about that...if not with a gift or card, they will call him to wish him a happy day. I am assuming in the absence of a response from them about doing something jointly, it is their preference to acknowledge their dad's birthday in their own singular way. In that case, I will probably forego trying to plan any big shindig and simply plan some sort of special trip for DH & I to take together, some time away to a place he's never been and would find special (Ex: 10 years ago we visited the Grand Canyon. He had not seen it previously). The disengaging thing is a tricky one. I certainly would not want anyone to experience my withdrawal as a rejection on my part...that would not be my intent. Any disengagement on my part would motivated by a desire for self-preservation. I actually TRY (no matter how difficult)not to personalize their behavior toward me. I think they would be this way with whomever their father married, because once he did remarry, any dream they had of their parents reuniting was dashed. I discussed all this with a good friend of mine who is an ordained minister. He told me of a funeral he officiated for a woman in his church. She had been married to her husband for nearly 25 years, and one of the first sentiments expressed to her widower by his now grown children after her death was, "Well, now you can get back with Mom." For some, I think the desire for one's parents to be together forever, never goes away. Again, Organic Maureen, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.