So, I might have found something that works

18 years ago

I think I might have finally found something that actually phases my SS. This weekend, yet again, we had issues with him lieing about his homework. Friday, when we picked him up from grandpa's apt (grandpa picked kids up from school since DH was held up at a DR. appt) we asked if his homework was done. He said yes it was. Grandpa piped up and said he told me it was done. Well, shortly after that he asked if he could call his mom to ask her to bring him his book response paper that he left at her house. DH told him no she was at work and wouldnt be able to drive all the way to her house to our house and get back to work. I overheard the conversation and it occured to me that he was supposedly done with his homework so why would he need that piece of paper. So, I asked him why do you need that right now anyways... you'll be at your moms house on Sunday. His response well umm because I dont know how to do my book response. What do you mean you dont know how to do your book response you have been doing the same thing all year long... and you said your homework was done. "Well it is but I dont know how to do the book response so I didnt do that" "Then your homework isnt done" "Yes, it is" "Is your book response done?" "No" "Then it isn't done and you know how to do your book response. You have been doing it all year and I havent seen you even glance at that paper since the first nine weeks at least. Go get your work done!!"

So, anyways DH jumped backed in and started his speech about being unacceptable and this is the reason he is losing priveledges so on and so on. So, I threw in there ... you know C we were planning on getting Linkin Park tickets for your birthday (he favorite band) but with all of this nonsense every day I just can't justify spending that kind of money for something that you really dont deserve. ((DH had already firmly vetoed the concert after ss last stunt with lieing)) Well, ss must have finally got it ... at least somewhat. Because after all of the things we have done and said this is the first time he came back later to talk about it again. He asked me later that night while I was cooking dinner "If I start shaping up and start doing my work like I am supposed to... Can I still go to the concert?" I thought about it for a minute and told him "Well right now no. You have told us over and over again that you would stop the lieing and make a change but you dont put any effort into doing it. You need to actually make a change and start showing me some real improvement before you even talk to me about getting any of your priveldges back" He said "Okay, I understand."

It seems like nothing but like I said this is the first time he actually apparently thought about it and came back later to approach the subject. We will see how this week goes because all weekend long he was super helpful boy!! Perhaps, this time I finally found something that got through his thick pre teen head :-) Here's hopeing

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Comments (2)

catlettuce
18 years ago
Hmm, that sounds good he has to know you are both serious and on the same page. One thing I would think about doing though since he's a teen and all is set him up to succeed not fail, give him something attainable like he gets his homework done & no lies x 1 week and he get 4 movie passes for him and a few friends and you will pick up & drop off.

Yes it's dangling a carrot however it's a short time frame, easily done by a young kid, some quick gratification and positive feedback, and makes you the "goodie" not the "baddie" step parent. A few of these rewards and maybe he gets to go to the concert.

Sounds like he really wants to be good-he's just a teen.. Went through this with my nephew he has a serious prolem with lying, but responds real well to this type of thing.
Rather than reading him the riot act and threatening with consequences (it just wasn't working) we did this type of thing and when he was with us it worked great..

Best of luck!!
oh_my
18 years ago
I've always had a real problem with giving rewards for behaviors that ought to be required, and for a pre-teen/teen completing homework and not lying should be par for the course and, IMO, not rewardable behaviors. I think it sets a bad precedent to reward a child consistently for what should be everyday, routine activities. I think a lot of children today feel entitled enough without expecting a reward every time they behave appropriately.

What does this teach children to expect as they become adults? Example, as an adult, I do laundry. I certainly don't enjoy doing laundry, but it needs to be done. If I don't do laundry, I suffer a consequence...I get to wear dirty clothes. When I do the laundry, nobody waltzes in to give me a treat...although sometimes I feel I deserve one:)

Now, I'm not opposed to giving a treat now or then for a long-term pattern of good behavior...such as, "I can't remember the last time you lied about not doing your homework and I see that your grades are reflecting that. Let's go see Lincoln Park." I just don't think bribery quite elicits the desired response. Sure, the child may comply with your wishes to get the prize, but the real lesson learned is, "I slacked so much that now I get a prize for doing what I'm supposed to do...yay, me!!!"

I think you just need to find the proper privilege to take away for misbehavior. M04, sounds like Lincoln Park may have been it. Maybe SS's getting the picture now and will do as he's supposed to...then when Lincoln Park comes around again (and I know they will!!), he'll be more deserving of going and probably appreciate the opportunity much, much more.
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So, I might have found something that works

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catlettuce

oh_my

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