I help my D with gifts, cards, for her dad for fathers day, etc etc.

with my exBF's kids, I used to take them shopping for all the holidays they'd buy their mom a gift.. Mother's Day, Christmas and her birthday. She only came to visit them once a year (twice in a good year) and they'd give her the gifts at that time.

with my kids, no. Their father's weren't in their lives... except my oldest son and no, I never took my son shopping for him.

with my SD, I used to. The first couple of years we were together, SD was constantly asking me if I can buy her mom this or that... all the way through the store. I finally told her that I only buy gifts for special occasions so on BM's birthday, Mothers Day and Christmas, I would either let SD pick something out or help her make something for her mom. (with my money) Even after the first court battle started, I took SD shopping for a Mother's Day gift, card and flower bouquet. BM showed up to pick up SD on Mother's Day... took her dog out of her truck and let him crap in the yard... half way through the day, she sent DH a picture text of SD's hair all chopped off, just to piss him off. That was the last Mother's Day gift two years ago. Even after that, I helped SD make her a scrapbook for BM because she wanted to get her mom something for Christmas. If SD wants me to help her make things for her mom or even buy them, I would probably still do it because SD shouldn't be punished because her mom is a B*tch. But, things have gotten so bad that SD doesn't even ask anymore... As for DH, I don't think he has done the gift thing for SD and BM. The way he puts it: "she's (BM) never bought ME a damn thing (from SD)!" and it's true... we buy gifts and never get a gift, not that we want one but it is always one way...

For my DD, no, because her dad is not in the picture.

For SS---yes, DH helps him with gifts for Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. BM does help him, as well, for gifts for his dad.

They are usually small, impersonal items--or they are personal but from SS. Like, for Christmas this past year, BM helped SS buy a small father/son snowman ornament and had it personalized with DH and SS's names on it. DH (well me, but you kwim) printed out a nice picture of SS and put it in a frame for BM. The gifts are *from* SS, so it really is more for him.

On Saturday, DH drove to BM's and had SS come outside, and he helped him pot a plant in a nice ceramic flowerpot. SS was really excited to give it to his mom.

(BARF) Ok, so I have to grit my teeth about it lately.

But I think it is the right thing to do nonetheless. Really, the gifts are more for SS, so that HE has something to give.

Usually the gifts our kids give to their other parents are home-made. Sometimes we will buy frames from the dollar store and stick cute recent pics in them. Sometimes the kids will paint the frames. Sometimes they make cards and on occasion they will buy them. But we don't usually dish out more than $5 on them getting a gift for their other parent. And they never complain.

When DD was still interested in buying presents for her dad, we would give her a certain amount to spend and take her shopping and help her pick something out. Now, DD no longer has any interest in buying her dad any presents, but if that changes in the future, we will take her but she will have to spend her own money. Now that she has an allowance, she is required to use her own money for presents for all family members.

I've always made, or helped SD make, gifts for her mom for b-days, Christmas and Mother's Day. I also get gifts for her little sister, and sent cards (from SD) on their wedding anniversary. At Christmas I frame pictures for BM's siblings and parents for SD to give, and for the past few years her new step grandparents as well.

Do I need to? No. Do I complain each year when they never acknowledge it? Yes. Does BM ever send a gift for DH, me, SD's brothers, the dog, etc? Not once. Do I keep doing it anyway? Yes. Am I insane? Highly likely.

We dont really buy gifts for her. I usually help the kids make something for her or let them pick out a card. I even helped sd bake a cake for her mom for her bday one year. SD was super excited about it because she and dd had gotten a castle cake pan. Apparently mom didnt bother to eat it and just kind of sat it to the side until she threw it away....sd was very disappointed. (I was poed) Another time I helped the kids make a scrap book with a bunch of pictures that told a fictional story ... apparently BM cried about that one... (I have no idea what that was about) But, still ... it makes the kids happy so I do it. Otherwise, I couldnt care less. The only time I felt uncomfortable about getting her things was when the kids got DH to pick out a Vday card for mom for them.... but I let go of my inner consternation about. I understood why he did... still irritating nonetheless.

Valentines: IMO, kids should be given construction paper, glitter glue, doilies, and kid scissors.... 'go make mommy a card and it's more special because YOU made it.' If they are old enough to bug dad to buy one, they can make one and I've always treasured the cards my kids made me over the ones from a store... and I guess that would go for any holiday too. It's one of a kind and made with love.

yes,when my skids were younger we would take them shopping or help them with arts and crafts for mothers day or bday. Not for xmas....just never came up.
Now they are older and they dont mention gifts for bm at all. But i'm sure they are old enough to do this themselves.
ya, Valentines is a big one:) But its fun.

There is no way in unholy hell J would buy BM a Valentines Card. LOL! He would rather choke on a boar maggot and I am SO SO SO glad he feels that way because it would bug me. I am his Valentines. Call me silly but I don't buy any of my Ex's Valentines Day cards. Rest assured if J did BM would read something into it.

The kids always make her cards and gifts. We save ourselves money and trouble this way. The one year I bought BM a Mother's Day present from the girls she went nuts. I wasn't living with J yet but he asked me to help the girls pick something out because he just generally felt
wierd doing it and had no clue what to get. I got a little heart shaped ballon, some candy and a card.

That was the day BM tried to get J to sleep with her. The ding dong thought HE had picked out the stuff and got all sentimental. She left the girls with her then BF and drove over to J's house and literally threw her self at him. I understand it was really pathetic. J bluntly shot her down and sent her home crying. He and his room mate called me laughing as soon as she was out the door. "You are NEVER going to believe what just happened...."

After that episode we don't buy her any gifts for any occasion anymore. The girls make them. It is from the heart and can't be misconstrewed in any way. You have to be pretty direct when dealing with an emotionally unstable woman. It has to be black and white even with gift giving. No room for any gray areas any where.

My X stil sends me birthday cards -- I have to help my D think of gifts for X as he is difficult to buy for.

thats great but i doubt you have ever tried to get your ex to sleep with you because he gave you a birthday card. lol. i think you are a good deal more stable than that.

No I never read that much into it. LOL. I think part of it is that my Birghday falls during a school break, and I still let him take her for the week.

I bought something for DS to give to X for Christmas the first year. After that, it's up to X's GF to coordinate with DS on a gift. I do, however, make sure he calls X, XMIL, and XFIL on their birthdays, Christmas and Mother's/Father's days. But a phone call doesn't cost me extra money. DS has a cell phone he can call from.

Every year I give XMIL a 5x7 school picture for her birthday. I'm not sure why, but I started it a lot of years ago. It's basically to replace the picture from the year before in the frame I bought her a long time ago.

When I filed for divorce we were required to go to court mandated family counseling. It was a large group of other people who also were getting divorced, etc. that met at the court house. I think it was a total of 8 hours of classes.

In the court counseling it was stated that it is the expectation of the courts that minor children be taken shopping for gifts to give their parent for appropriate occasions, ie birthdays, Christmas, Mother's/Father's Day. I did this. My youngest was in 8th grade when we divorced. I even helped them bake a cake and take to their Dad.

My EX however never did this in return. Doesn't matter. I did what was the right thing to do. It was important to my minor children to recognize their father, so I helped them do that. I didn't do it for my EX, I did it because my kids emotionally needed it.

Now they are older, they have their own money, and do whatever they want to. I don't get involved at all anymore, but I did when they didn't have their own money and were young.

My X doesnt help either, as far as I am concerned, it reflects more on him than on D.

As far as the SMs who complain the kids dont do anything for dad, when the kids were minors did Dad ever help them do someohting for mom.

that's a good point kkny. We teach our children how to treat others by the example we set... they learn how to treat us by how we treat them and others.

It is funny how many parents don't realize that when they are cursing at other drivers that cut them off, they are teaching their kids through their example... so many things in every day life that kids are learning from us. Gift giving is just one lesson kids learn from watching what we do.

Nope! My DH's ex is now married as well. My SS is 5 now. His SD takes care of everything concerning BM, and his BM takes care of everything concerning his SD. Likewise, in my house, I take care of everything for my DH, and he takes care of everything for me. So, at Christmas time, SS and I went shopping for DH's presents, and for Mother's Day, DH and SS made a card for me and made me breakfast in bed. What BM and her husband do is up to them. We say a cordial "Merry Christmas" and that type of thing, but that's all.

SS's school is pretty good about it, too. When they make projects and cards and things, about half of the time he makes them for DH and I, and about half of the time he makes them for BM and SD.

I say let each family be a family.

Yes actually my dh did alot when his kids were young for 'mother's day' for their mom ....
And in the last 3 years, ever since my son was born they give him jack Sh*T. One year was the worst...he cries his head off cause htey were here and didn't acknowledge it. I even asked my sd if she was making a card....she didn't even answer me! i said...oh...i see...your loss. And i walked away.
Well imade sure that year he got the best fahters day made up card directed tohim from only our son and he placed it for everyone to see. And oh boy were they ashamed. And they should be! for shame to treat someone like that!
The following year my dh got a lovely card and a gift from them. And i showed it off to everyone and was proud they stepped up and stopped acting petty.
In the end, The divorce should not poison the kids and the parents on either side shoudl be a shamed of themselves if they bring that hate into their own child for either parent.
Valentines day is theonly day my dh will not do anything for his ex. i cannot blame him and i wont force him. BUt i help his kids do something when they were young. So i made sure they had a gift for their mom.

Yes, I do. DD and her dad also pick out treats for me when she visits him. Often she will come home with gifts that he paid for, but she picked out. It feels a little weird, to be honest. But it's getting nicer. He asks if there is anything I want from my home and sends it to me. I think that's pretty generous.