"Do I have to take this abuse?"

Nope, and WHY would you want to? For that matter, why would you want your son to?

"How can I tell my son that he isn't the problem without causing any more problems between the kids?"

I'm not sure that a 5-year-old is going to 'get' it, so I don't know that it's possible. That's asking a lot of a little boy.

I think that it's pretty cut and dried as to what you have to do. Of course, I realize that it's not the advice that you WANT, but it would seem to me that your son should be your priority--not the BF and not his daughter.

1. Move out. That is a very toxic situation brewing for your son. He doesn't need the confusion or drama of the whole mess. It is up to your BF to take control of the situation by whatever means he can--and if he's not spending every ounce of energy trying to make things right for his daughter, he's doing her a disservice. Until he had a handle on things, I wouldn't have my kid anywhere near them.

2. Stop "mommy." Why do so many stepmothers think that it's a good thing for these children to call them "mommy?" Personally, I think that it's an ego thing. Regardless, you're not, and good or bad she already has a "mommy." You're dad's GF and have a name. It is MUCH less stressful for children if they don't have competing "mommies."

I think that you have to stop worrying about your BF and his daughter. The only REAL priority that you have is your son. I can't imagine why a mother would want this crap for her boy. It's not doing him any favors. Maybe someday your BF will get a handle on this situation, but honestly I wouldn't wait around for that to happen. If you stay, you're just asking for trouble and you'll probably get what you asked for.

I did leave once because of this. But like I had said before my fiance is the only father my son has ever known. His father left when I was 3 months pregnant and I have spent my son's entire life fighting for my ex to be involved. I gave that fight up. When I had left, my son got very upset and wanted to go and live with my fiance. He got mad at me for leaving. So I came back to give it another go and my son is very happy that he has his dad back(my feeling is it takes more then a sperm to be a dad). As for the mom thing, trust me it is not an ego thing. When we first started out I told her she could call me by my name and even gave her the option of a pet name that she thought was funny and used that for a while. Then it turned into the mommy pet name and then just mommy. We have told her to call me by my name or the pet name and she fights and cries and askes why I don't love her. It has only been the last 2 months (we only get her 5 days a month because of biomom) that she has gotten horrible. My son is very sensitive and thinks he is the bad one. I have never told my son what my fiance's ex and her family have said about him as it was over the phone or in emails so he knows nothing about that. I have started going to my parents place for a visit when she comes down for a visit but then she calls me asking why I'm not home. When I do come home the day before she leaves she treats us like crap. I am thinking of my son before myself and as much as I love my fiance and SD, they are not even a thought in my mind when it comes to my son being hurt. If you can tell me a way that my son will not be hurt by me staying or leaving I would be highly grateful. I am lost. My fiance was gone overnight for a course and my son cried, woke up with nightmares asking where his dad was and when his dad came home bounced off the walls. He ran up to me and hugged me and told me that he was glad dad came home. SO please tell me how leaving here would be any better for my son? Please don't mistake any of this as hostility because it is not. I am just very confused on what to do and have ended up making my self sick and not sleeping at nights and lacking in my school work trying to figure all of this out. I may be taking all of this too seriously but I take my son and his happiness very seriously.

If your fiance doesn't put a stop to any of it. It will get worse. He has to be the one to put an end to it if you don't have his support in stopping it. Then yes leaving is your only option. How long will you wait for him to step up? How long are you willing to put your son through this? She's only 4, picture her at 14 throwing stuff and punches!!

If it were me every toy she threw at me would either be tossed into the trash or put away and given back as a reward for acceptable behavior.

my mommy said I can do it.... well this mommy says you can't.

She's jealous of the "family" she visits and is too young to express it. SD sees your son has daddy and "mommy" all the time and she doesn't.

Do not punish her if BF is around let him do it... "tattle" on her...Daddy SD is doing this and that.

Designate a thinking chair or another spot in the house where you can keep an eye on her but she can't interact with the family. When she has calmed down go talk to her not a moment before if she gets riled up again, walk away and try again in a few minutes. Don't send her to her room unless you have removed everything not nailed down. If she runs to her room bring her back to the thinking area. She is too young to read a set of "rules" so have her draw pictures of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Then draw big red X's or checkmarks on those and hang them all up, in the thinking area. If drawing is not her thing or yours look online for coloring pages.

I would personally leave for the sake of my son. But if you want to stay. I would get your BF to step up to the plate.
1. Send legal letters to the mom.
2. You can even start psychology right away for the daughter
3. Get family couciling since the exwife is being distructive.
4. I agree with Cawfecup. EVERY TOY SHE THROWS AT YOU GOES IN THE GARBAGE.
5. Do not let your son out of site when she is with him!
You see, there is alot of c**p you will have to deal with if you want to stay with this man. And to be honest. I would NOT put my son through this at all. I would find another 'father' for him. There are more good fathers out there. Preferable get one without any kids of his own or at least a much older one in the late teens.
Your BF has to sit down with his daughter and tell her
1. His house, HIS rules meaning anything mom says you can do does not count under this household. If you do, she get punished..i mean punished. Slap on the bum wouldn't hurt. No tv. get all the toys out of the room, everything except the mattress on the floor.
2. Reward her when she is good.
3. Set down the rules. WRITE THEM DOWN. give her stars when she is good. etc..etc..
4. LET your BF speak to counciling and get child service involved on the mother. This is important. Your son is being abused...but so is the daughter.
This is alot of work...and it will get worse if a handle is not put on it soon.
I hope all goes well for you

Thank you all for you help. I have talked to him and he is finally seing what it is doing to our son. He has brought this subject up with the biomom but she denys everything and now says that SD is beating on her 9 month old half brother. We are waiting to hear back from the psycologist that SD is supposed to be seeing to see what our options are with this and planning on going back to court. You see my fiance loves both kids but is willing to give up time with his daughter to make our son more stable. I know that is probably going to get a lot of bad comments but we don't know what else to do. He is as appalled by her behaviour as I am and when I told him that I would leave again and this time for good he agreed that he would start buckling down. We have even talked about my son going to his grandparents for a visit in July as SD will be here for all of it and trying to "re-program" her. We are very concerned about her being mentally abused and I have called Child Services 3 times with no results. If there is any more advice that does not involve me leaving then I am more then welcome to try it. Like I said, he is going to step up and start cracking down on this but is also concerned because SD tells her biomom that what we do and biomom tries using that against us. Might as well take it to court and tell the judge before she as a chance.

Tired:

You don't want to leave. OK. You believe fiance is the "dad" to your son and I agree. It takes way more than placing the order to be a "dad", so I'm w/ you, there. And, this would amount to a divorce, so to speak, if you left.

So, you're willing to work it out. Great. First of all, save and print every email the BM sends to you. She denies it but you have it in black and white.

You will be fighting an uphill battle until the BM gets a life. It will be very difficult for this little girl to decipher right from wrong. I mean, the person you trust most in life is telling you to treat people you love(d) unkindly? The girl will be more than confused.

Do you know why the BM has such a vendetta against you? Is she at all able to reasoned w/? If not, just document everything and make sure SD is seeing the psychologist. She doesn't have a prayer in life if not. The sooner the better, too.

Then, I agree w/ the others - something is thrown, it's taken away - can be earned back w/ good behavior, etc. Behavior charts are good, too. Do them for both kids so she doesn't feel singled out. Plan to get out as a family -does she like animals? Most kids do - take the kids to a zoo. She may be distracted enough to have a good time and forget about all the negatives her mom is feeding her.

Good luck, keep posting,
Dana

I know kinda why she hates me so bad. She blames me for an old bf leaving her when in all fact it was her best friend... a person I used to live with. She also blames me for calling the cops when she set her apt on fire. I have told her what happened trying to clear me and things were fine. She talked to me and then she snapped again because I wasn't going to leave my fiance. She thought that they were going to get back together. When he told her there was no chance in hell she went out and got married and hates me for that too. She is a very mentally unstable person and blames everything on me. It has gotten so bad that when I go to visit my parents I can't go an hour without someone saying something horrible to me.(we live 3 hours away from my home town... same town she lives in) So I guess that means that yes I know why and no I really don't. She hates me. I know. Why? She is unstable, I am with the father of her first child, I am happy and she is not (we tell her that our lives are perfect so she can't use our problems against us with the child). I just got off the phone with SD psycologist and we have an appointment when we go up there and told her what was going on. She didn't sound happy about being told lies from the biomom. As for the emails we have kept all of them and printed them off in 3s as the judge directed me to. In a year and a half we have over 200 emails and most of them she is calling me atleast 3 different names. I have tried my hardest to stay out of it and allow my fiance to deal with her but its hard not to defend yourself and get mad when they say that your son is touching the SD. I know for a fact that it doesn't happen because they are not allowed to be alone. Never have. SD has displayed signs of sexual abuse. Is a 4 year old supposed to masterbate and make the noises of porn videos? And before anyone asks yes I called Child Services... nothing was done. Even when she has had 4+ yeast infections in 6 months. I am trying to help both kids but in the end one of them is going to get hurt. I don't want it to be either but how can you choose which child has to be hurt? The toys she throws are my son's so I can't throw them out. She stands in the corner screaming and doesn't get to play with they toy but trust me I am running out of space to put toys up. As for a family outing we have tried that. She loves horses and we took her to see my mom's. Didn't do anything. She was so bad that the horse ran away. I am losing my mind.

For the life of me, I don't understand why you think that you and your son need to do this.

But apparently I'm the only one...

NOTHING good is going to come of this. And make no mistake, you ARE hurting your son by staying in this situation. I would run like hell before I'd put a young boy through what he's going to have to go through the rest of his life.

Regardless of anything else, YOUR SON is your priority. You can't save 'em all and you can't fix this situation. You're fooling yourself if you think that there is ANYTHING that you can do to help this little girl. It is extremely sad but you are not obligated to put your son's emotional well-being in jeopardy to help her and I certainly wouldn't. How much more do you think that he (and you) needs to take?

Ok you think I should leave my fiance. Are you going to come to my place every night when my son is crying because he isn't with his daddy? What am I supposed to tell him? "I'm sorry hunny but we had to leave your daddy because your stepsister was being bad. Its ok that your the one being punished for all of it." I don't understand. You think that I am hurting my son by staying. Do you not understand that he will be extremly hurt by us leaving? Yes I know that this is not a situation that he should have ever gone through but we are here. I came on this forum thinking that there are people here that might have ideas on how to deal with this. But everyone thinks that I am intentionally hurting my son. SD is here for 5 days a month. It is hard when she is here but we manage and yes my son is getting hurt in all of this but can you imagine pulling a child away from the only father he has ever known for the rest of his life? Do you even understand the trust issuses that he would have? I know this because I had a BF once that treated my son great and he walked out on us. It has taken a year for my son to completely trust my fiance enough to call him dad. If you all want I'll leave my fiance but then I will be here asking how to deal with a child that wants his father. Other then that give me some advice that I can use.

I know SD is only 4, but she's old enough to understand that her mommy is really, really mad at you because she thinks you did something bad (but you didn't), and that her mommy is scared SD will love you more than her, and that's why she is telling SD to be bad at your house. At that point, you tell her that you love her, and that you know she loves you AND her mommy, and that she can love you both and DOESN'T have to choose. Maybe suggest to SD that she keep your friendship a secret, because her mommy's feelings would be hurt if she hears SD really does like you.

As has been pointed out, MAJOR counseling, CPS, and keep the e-mails. Watch her like a hawk to protect your son, and DO NOT marry this man yet. I know you love him and he's a good father to your son, but please, please keep your eyes, and your options open.

And read the book 'Divorce Poison' -- There's a lot of information about handling toxic behavior from unstable and/or destructive ex's. In a nutshell - how to take the high road while not taking the abuse or becoming a doormat.

We have decided that we will not be getting married until we have things more under control. I watch her very closely around my son because I have taught him that fighting is bad and he won't fight back. I have tried to talk to her but she is shutting me out right now. I continue to tell her I love her and that my son and I are not bad but she is with her mother for weeks before she comes to us so everything that I accomplish in 5 days is totally undone and is worse when she comes back. Thank you for not telling me to leave him and supporting the chioce of trying to work things out. I will definitly try and get that book.

You can certainly do whatever you want whether I agree with you or not. Your posts sound desperate and like you're at the end of your rope with the entire situation--or perhaps I misunderstand?

Regardless, this situation would leave me emotionally and physically drained and I think that I would want better for my kid.

I wish you luck and I hope that you find a competent counselor for everyone involved.

I am desperate and drained emotionally and physically. If you knew what my life was before you would think that this is better. I want to try everything in my power to solve this while still staying with my fiance. Today I was talking to my son about going to my parents and when he asked if his dad was coming I said I don't know and he started moving his toys and stuff into our room and said he was not going without his dad. Not even for a visit. I am not one to just walk away when things get tough. How is that setting a good example for the kids? I don't know what to do. We will just have to wait until the 24 after we see SD psycologist and probably the court counceller as well.

I went thru the same the diference is that the toxic behavior began AFTER WE GOT MARRIED.

This is my best advise by experience, I learned that

With BM- your hubby is going to have to deal with her legally. Have her talk to the layer no to him

With SD- Lots of love and DISCIPLINE.....REMEMBER SHE IS ONLY 4!!!!!!BE A BIG GIRL AND DEAL WITH HER!!!!!!

DONT GIVE UP!!! Thats what BM wants

Very important!!! counseling to everybody!!!

KEEP POSTING!!!!

I just want to say that the only person in here looking at the half empty glass is Vivian31 and her perspective may be based on a personal hurt from her past so don't take it personally. You have gotten LOTS of good advice here. Especially in the last post from stepmom4. I would agree: Legally with mom only. Read the book on how to keep your sanity while dealing with the psycho BM. Keep all of your correspondences (you can create a "log" as well of dates and times for verbal abuse), video or voice record the statements (and fits) from the child. The more information for court the better. Get information from teachers. ANYthing you can think of to prove the magnitude of the mother's inabilities. Is there a standing custody agreement? If so, memorize it and look for any contempt of that agreement to bring before the judge. Oh...and lots of love and discipline with SD and definitely constantly reiterate that it is possible to love more than one person (you love her, her dad, your son, your parents...so she can do the same. You can also tell her that you don't want to hurt her mommy's feelings so she can pretend she doesn't like you when she's there. She will want to protect her mom so if you "pretend" you care that she doesn't get hurt, you will win brownie points with SD.) Keep trying child services but the courts will take you much further! Oh..and in case it wasn't a rhetorical question: NO it is not normal for a 4 year old to masturbate, make porn movies sounds, or have recurrent yeast infections! I think that everything you've said about your BF has shown reason and sincerity. On top of that, who are any of us to judge his initial response to the situation anyways when he probably blames himself for the whole problem in the first place. If your son feels THAT strongly about him he must be a good dad to him (not many people would put the welfare of their GF's child above their own!) I praise you both for making the efforts. Think of how much stronger your family will be once the courts appoint you full custody and allow mom supervised visitation only. And I said "once" instead of "if" for a reason. Some of us prefer to think positively! IMO as a step-mom who is called "mom" by her dear step-sons, you do not need to justify why you allowed that behavior. In the beginning I told the boys that they could call me whatever they wanted and even emphasized to them that I am their STEP mom because they already have a mom. Then I realized that if the title "mom" was something that was special and symbolic to them personally and they finally worked up enough courage to let me know how much they love me by endearing me with this title of "mom" then resisting that title could be very hurtful to them. It could imply to them that I don't love them enough to be their "mom" and that it's a title that I wouldn't want. Which is the furthest thing from the truth! For those of us that truly love our SC as our own, it is NOT an ego thing. Believe me, some of us understand.

"I just want to say that the only person in here looking at the half empty glass is Vivian31 and her perspective may be based on a personal hurt from her past so don't take it personally."

I wasn't the one that used the word "abuse." No one HAS to take abuse. It's always a choice.

...and thanks, but I'm a pretty happy stepmom. I have my own set of difficulties with the other adults in my family situation (not the children), but for the most part, we get along okay.

I'm just a big proponent of taking care of one's own. I don't know if I could put my biological kids (if I had any) through the whole stepfamily thing after knowing what I know now. I generally think not.

Still, I LOVE my stepkids and can't imagine life without them.

I think if there is one thing that I have learned from this forum is that we all may have a common link: we are all learning to blend two previous families into one cohesive unit. But our situations are SO completely different. Because of the common link between us, there are definitely certain similar characteristics (and truthfully, I have to say that I am appalled at how many BMs out there offer NO financial, physical, or emotional support to their children. I thought my DH's X was a rarity in the mommy population...I only wish the judges who award the mom full custody without question would join this forum and learn what I have!) But the real reason that I emphasize how different our situations are is because of your statement "I don't know if I could put my biological kids through the whole stepfamily thing after knowing what I know now." I am sorry for your hurt and for what you have learned that has impacted you so deeply regarding step-families, but not every step-family has those same associations. My step-sons LOVE our "family" and we are a very stable, loving environment for them. They NEED us desperately, and I think their opportunity to see both healthy and unhealthy relationships will help them to make wiser choices in their own lives. I think they have been given a special opportunity to truly appreciate all that we offer as a family. On top of that fact that they actually think it's pretty cool that they have "2 moms."

I apologize if I offended you with an assumption of who you are, because I don't know you. But if you go back and re-read what you have posted, you may be able to feel the abrasiveness that you emitted in every post. It was offensive to me that you insinuated that every stepmother who is referred to as "mommy" is a self-centered egotistical maniac who is putting her own wants above a child when in actuality there are good reasons to allow it (especially when in a situation as fortunate as my own where BM is perfectly fine with it!) 1. If there are biological children involved, then SC don't feel like outsiders in a family that already refers to you as "mom". 2. That the title "mom" is a powerful, silent statement of acceptance of your role as a "mom" in their lives. (and there IS a difference between a mom and an egg donor) 3. That drawing attention to the fact that you are not their mother is an awkward and uncomfortable situation that they would rather not immediately explain to just anyone. Refusing to accept the title (if they've chosen it for you) would be hurtful and insulting in all of these situations and truthfully, I love those little buggers too much to say I don't wear that title proudly. In my heart, I AM their mom - and I was basing my judgement of you on these hurtful statements you made, which was wrong of me.

I am sorry for your pain and if I added any to it.

No offense taken, really. It's just my point of view--and like I've said before, we have a stepfamily situation that is fairly stable and relatively good.

My younger step son used to call me "mom" once in awhile. I didn't discourage or encourage it. It was what he wanted to do, which was fine. The reason I say what I do is because BM encouraged him to call his stepdad "dad" and it tore my husband up. It was VERY hurtful, and it was very difficult for my husband not to show that. Sometimes he wasn't successful and I know that my stepson felt badly. All the way around, it was a bad situation.

I really don't see much wrong with the title of "step"mom, nor with calling my kids my "step"kids. There's no confusion because we have none of our own. No one thinks that I love them less because they're my stepkids. It just IS.

...and the truth is, they already have a mom.

See...I totally disagree when parents "encourage" the child to do one or the other. I suppose if I were more of a "step-mom" it would probably be more insulting to a "real" mom. The truth of the matter in my situation is that BM doesn't act like a mom and never did. Even when she was with my husband, she used sit home and email/text all her ex-boyfriends while my husband worked 3 jobs so the kids could go to daycare while she sat home "looking for work" as she called it. He later learned what was really going on and after learning of the occasions of cheating, finally gave up on the marriage. (Yay for me!) Now, at almost 30 years old and a mother of 2 children, she lives with her parents and younger brother in between his many transitions (and her parents pay for everything for her from food, gas, car and insurance to alcohol, cigarettes, and tattoos - she doesn't even work!) She pawns the kids off on her mom and my in-laws any chance she gets during the 8 weeks she has them. When they were in her primary custody, she NEVER signed them up for sports or activities, encouraged friends or playdates, partook in any arts/crafts/activities with them at home (let alone anything educational!) Instead, she used to sneak off to the basement to smoke pot with her brother and father and avoid them altogether. There were multiple neglect issues from not being fed or bathed, to not getting medication for an ear infection; and the youngest was even burned by a cigarette next to his eye! We called child services on her and were about to file an emergency custody order when she decided that we could have them if she didn't have to pay any child support (in the first go-around she actually tried to get us to pay her during the 2 months she has them!) We have a temporary order lasting 2 years (because she didn't want to rewrite it a year later) but we are fighting to change custody as soon as they are back with us in 7 weeks. My husband and I have them for 10 months straight without a dime of support from her (and no visitation) and I am a stay at home mom to them (aka chef, maid, taxi-driver) and do ALL of the things for them that she is not capable of. If they see me as more of a "mom" than she is, that's her own fault. If she put half the effort into mothering that she did into trying to get everything for nothing, she could be "mom of the year". I guess in my situation (which is why I say all of our situations are different) I truly feel that she simply carried my children for me (they even look exactly like me and nothing like her.) I understand how a child having "2 moms" could be insulting to a biological mother but the truth of the matter is that just donating an egg doesn't make you a mom. Adopted children don't call their parents by their first names. If I were an every-other weekend warrior with these boys and SHE did everything I do, than I could see the harm of it. But as far as my family, friends, and even the youngest's therapist sees it (and says it)- I AM the mom. BTW, he sees this therapist because of concerns about sexual abuse and inappropriateness in that house as well as for the damage his "mom's" behavior has caused emotionally. BM herself has said that she is fine with them calling me "mom" and went as far as to say that she was concerned about my DH when he was deployed (we're military) because he is the "father of our children." She doesn't want the work of being a mom, she just wants the title and to hang their pictures up on her myspace and say "look what I made, aren't they cute?" so I think she's actually grateful for me. Even if she wasn't OK with them calling me "mom", my answer to her would be "then step up to the plate and ACT like their mom."

But like I said, that's just my situation.

I didn't sense abrasiveness in vivian31's post, just a very strong opinion. Reading about your situation from someone on the outside looking in makes me feel like you've made up this bazzare life situation. Your boyfriend is NOT your son's father and your job is to protect your son. Get out.

After reading all of this I just had to comment.
I also do not sense any abrasiveness in vivian31's comments, just a good 'ole honest opinion.

Having been a stepfather for 12 years and having to deal with the constant "Divorce Poision" from the absentee biofather, I can relate somewhat to your situation. Honestly I see this situation getting MUCH worse for you in the coming years. When the teen years come along these kids will act out in ways that will horrify you. I know that you want this relationship to work, to perhaps fix things to have a reasonably normal family. However I think that you are in an impossible situation that will get much worse in spite of your best efforts. Your fiance is not the sons father and the situation with SD and BM is beyond any reasonable hope of repair. If your fiance has not impressed you with his ability to handle all of this by now, then he can't be effective. Take the risk and get out of this mess and relationship. Your son will eventually thank you. And there are good men out there. Go find one and have a great life. Stepfamilies under the very best of circumstances are very difficult. This is why the support here is so valuable. Good luck to you.

First off...I don't know if tired_sm is still reading/posting on this situation - I think it got reopened by stepmom4 almost a month after the previous post. But if you are still active with this post...I guess the bottom line here for me is one question - how is your relationship with your boyfriend? I think that I am sometimes naive to other's relationship situations because I truly married my best friend and know 100% that he was made for me. We are each other's counterparts and I know I am very fortunate to have found this. I guess I assume that everyone has the same love in their life (although sadly, I know it's not true!) You've mentioned some things through your posts that insinuate frustration with him and also that he is seeming to come around and/or stepping up to the situation. Which is true? Or are both? You've mentioned how important he is to your son - how important is he to you? I do not think this situation is as hopeless as others portray it (I mean SD is only 4, right? If the courts agree that mom should get supervised visitation only then you will no longer have the frustration of trying to fix something 5 days out of a month. You will be able to give her the support, love and discipline she craves consistently. In the scope of life, correcting this at 4-years-old leaves ample time for improvement. If people are like trees, she is still a pliable little sapling - not a hardened, brittle branch, y'know what I'm saying?) but I DO think it is only worth sticking out if you know in your heart that this man is meant for you (regardless of your son's attachment to him.) And I have to say that in your posts your feelings about son's attachment are MUCH stronger than the expression of YOUR attachment to him. Know that the best thing you can do for your son is to show him what true love is. If you have this with your BF then push forward, but if your BF is not your true love then leave. Don't leave because of the situation - leave because you (like everyone) deserve to know true love. I wish you the best whatever your decision.