For Us in the US: Anyone Watch Dr. Phil on 5-25-07?

19 years ago

It was an interesting debate between bio-moms and step-moms (here is the link: http://drphil.com/shows/show/909 ). I couldn't believe how much the first scenario resembled my case, not so much the technicalities but what was said...

I guess what really hit home was how these poor kids really do feel the tension between the two parental units (mom's turf and dad's turf). The children really get caught in between the crossfire. Here are the 10 most common mistakes happen in divorce...

- Sabotaging your child's relationship with the other parent.

- Using your child as a pawn to "get back at" or hurt your ex.

- Using your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.

- Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child. (You may be particularly prone to this if your child bears physical or behavioral resemblances to your ex.)

- Forcing your child to choose a side when there's a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.

- Turning family events attended by both divorced parents into pressure cookers. Events that call for sensitivity include birthdays, holidays, school programs, extracurricular activities and performances.

- Depending too much on your children for companionship and support because you're hurt and lonely and have adopted a siege mentality: "It's us against the world." This isn't a healthy position for either you or your child to adopt.

- Treating your child like an adult because you're lonely or just want help. It is inappropriate to give your child an adult job.

- Becoming so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time or even wants to spend time with your ex, friends, grandparents or others.

- Converting guilt over the divorce into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child's material desires.

Man, I've made mistakes, I still do, and I probably always will... but boy oh boy can I see this happening in our situation. The children are so concerned that mom is going to get angry at dad for God knows what that they try and do everything to not be the cause of it... and when I told "Dad" what I had found out (one of the children told someone who in turn told me), all he said was, "Well, at least they know it's mom who is the psycho"... to which, I laid it on thick enough that he heard what the real issue was.

But anyway... just thought I would pass the info along. I'm going to have my husband watch the episode too and do some reading about it......

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Comments (4)

dcubana
19 years ago
I watched it,i thought it was great.Then again,i think Dr.Phil is great.I think its a "must see" for any step-moms dealing with bio-moms or vice-versa.You are right though, children really get caught in between the crossfire.Its sad.

This is a really good article of a study that was done on the "long term effects" of divorce on children.

Here is a link that might be useful: There's no 'good' divorce
jerseystepmom
19 years ago
Wow, I did not see it but those tips you listed are more like a list of things our biomom has done to my husband's kids! (not my opinion, even therapists have said that their biomom did these things.....)

Wow, I see how it screwed up my SD, so I can only imagine how many troubled kids are out there dealing with this stuff. They are going to have difficulty in relationships in their future.......very sad. I still don't get how these parents don't naturally put their child's needs before their own.......

thanks for sharing this....I'll check it out!
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hamsteve
19 years ago
Wow! This is exactly what my wife's ex-husband has been doing to our SD for many years. Every item on the list!

The latest chapter was convincing our daughter to move in with him (at SD's age of 17) right in the middle of her Junior year of HS (move from VA to FL), to get all of the "adult priviliges", no rules, and all of the big ticket toys as promised while living in the "country club" home. Good grief! This man is single, never remarried, lonely, and getting his daughter to move in with him was his totally insane priority and he would go to any length to get this. This man has convinced our daughter to estrange herself from her mother and me.

I would really like to find out what is the period of time required for these children of divorce to recover and sort it all out. Do they ever really recover? How long does it take and at what age do they come around and grow out of all the hurt and confusion. Is emotional health ever really achieved? If anyone has articles on this recovery process and statistics, we would love to learn about this.

My wife (biomom) really only hit one possible area on the list; no communication with the ex. Her ex for many years was always threatening her, blaming her, running her down, bullying her, and so I eventually accepted the fact they they would not talk. It takes two mature and stable adults to communicate. Very unfortunate for our daughter.

Thanks for posting this list. For us, it is 100% accurate. I just hope that my SD studies this list when she is a mature adult. Her crazy biofather won't look quite so cool then! It will be a very long wait though.
vistajpdf
19 years ago
I, too, saw my DH's ex in that list. I always thought it would apply more to women than men (probably because I saw my steps mom act so inappropriately and feel that men can hold back more, less exposure to the kids often), but in Steve's case, it was the biodad who misbehaved. What a shame for everyone!

Thanks for sharing that,
Dana

For Us in the US: Anyone Watch Dr. Phil on 5-25-07?

Comments (4)

dcubana

jerseystepmom

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