I wonder why it is they do that. BM's I mean. Why can't they see how they hurt there children by the revenge they seek. I would love to just grab my Skids BM and shake her and say WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THEM. But she would turn it around on me as usual. The only person who thinks see is right is her.
I'm sorry for your SD I hope that time will heal for all of you.

"I wonder why it is they do that. BM's I mean."

If someone had made a similar statement about SM's, people would be jumping all over her. "They" don't do anything. And who said anything about this having to do with revenge? And what di loridarlin's current H/SO do that his ex might want revenge for?

I don't understand why the judge didn't have a complete, signed financial statement for both parties in front of him. In my state, that is required every time anyone seeks a modification, and there would be no court hearing without one.

TOS, before I got to your post, I was actually about to "jump all over" Lori, but in a gentler way. When I read Lori's post, I was about to remind her that not all BMs are like that, and that we're trying not to make blanket statements in order to keep the peace. Lori, please try to remember that we've had trouble with blanket statements recently, and watch what generalizations you make.
I would guess no one else has replied because it's still sleeping hours across much of the country and this board doesn't usually get rolling until 9ish my time.

Anyhow, to the real point... Ima, how do you handle dealing with this?! BM isn't just full of crap -- she owns the fertilizer plant!
Will you have the same judge at the next hearing in two weeks? It's not really getting off on the right foot for BM if you do... And I think it's pretty foolish of her to tick off the person who has legal control of what happens with your family and finances.
I just don't understand who she thinks she is helping/hurting by doing all this. Does she think she is helping SD? (IMO, she isn't doing her daughters any favours with most of what we hear about on here) Or does she think she is hurting her ex, or maybe you? (You guys are probably just getting angry, while your feelings remain intact)

Blargh.

As a kicker I would subpoena the husband and have him testify as to how much support he pays to his wife and child who do not even live together.

TOS guessing thats why the judge continued the hearing not all parties had made true financial disclosures...

And when you are dealing with a BM like this its kind of hard to poke your head out from under the blankets. If you don't know first hand of a mom who puts her kids first its kind of hard to understand.

The Judge may not have had a very good impression of BM before the hearing. DH filed a motion simply asking that the support be modified to reflect the current arrangement.

Instead of filing a response when she got served a month ago, I think she thought DH was going to back down. I could be wrong but I think she told her daughter about it so she could make daddy feel bad and he would drop it. Instead, DH told BM to stop talking to SD about it. Then, 3 days before the hearing, she has someone call our attorney to say she 'represents' BM and wants us to agree to a continuance. Our attorney received BM's response by fax that day and the things it said in it have nothing to do with child support. In her response, BM said that she wanted custody & DH should have the same visitation she has now. Then she said she would 'forego' child support if DH agrees to the parenting plan she suggested. In her declaration to support what she is saying, she says that SD is failing in school here (I spoke with her teacher on Wednesday and that's not true), she says we leave SD alone frequently, that my grown children harass and threaten SD (w/a knife), that if SD's showers aren't long enough to make me happy that I send her to bed early and make her eat oatmeal for dinner instead of what we are having, that I degrade & belittle BM in front of SD all the time, that DH and I don't keep her informed of SD's progress at school or of activities, that SD is emotionally abused, that DH leaves SD with me and my children knowing that we harass and inflict corporal punishment on her frequently. (none of what she says is true and if she believes it were, she SHOULD call the police, CPS and drag DH into court immediately to prove it instead of agreeing to a two week continuance)

Then she says that my "DH was aware of BM's layoff with UPS prior to filing this motion. SM is the driving force behind this motion for the sole purpose of being malicious and harassing defendant."

When she asked my attorney to continue the case (through her 'representative') my attorney told her in light of her declaration, she would think that she'd want to get in front of the Judge IMMEDIATELY. (after all, she feels her daughter is in danger, right?) So, I imagine that the Judge read her papers and then wondering why she couldn't make it to court. Oh yeah, a job interview. We are beating and harassing and threatening and abusing her daughter, but she has a job interview. HMMMM

and yes TOS, she didn't file any financial information. No paystub or W2. She was disputing the proof we have over how much spousal support she gets. BM wanted it continued so I hope she's happy. It cost us over a thousand dollars for her continuance. (that's if our attorney bills for the entire time we were in court. She had other cases too so I hope she only bills for some of the time) But, I also think BM knows we have to pay her $300 an hour so she may just try dragging this out longer. It costs her nothing to drag it out. I also think that when we go back in two weeks (the day SD gets out of school for summer) that she will come into court and say SD is now living with her (for summer) and DH should be paying her. That's just a guess but I won't be surprised.

And I don't think Lori meant to make a blanket statement. I didn't take it that ALL BM's do that. I took it as, how can a mom do that? The mom's that pull this crap, not all BM's. I could be wrong but I didn't see it as all BM's and I know there are more BM's out there that would never do this to their child. I'm one of them. I know that the kind of BM that I have to deal with is not the 'common' situation. I think that is why it get my goat, because it's truly shocking to me that a mom would act this way. and I know that she loves her kids on some level, it's just hard to see it when she does the things she does.

and I think when Lori refers to revenge, the way I see it is that sometimes it's hard to see your ex move on and be happy. Even if you don't want them back, if you haven't found your own happiness, it could be hard to see them now living the family life you had once wanted or had with them. It could also be that we don't like to see someone else taking our place or feel like we have to compete. Someone else mentioned in another thread about competing with the stepmom for your kids to like one better, being better or more fun and that can also be why someone would react negatively. But, I don't think that it always has to do with what they did or didn't do in their relationship that might make one of them want revenge. Sometimes, they want revenge for being left and cast aside from the relationship. At least that how I perceive it.

How terrible for your poor SD. Poor gal. Sounds like mama screws this poor kid over all the time. I can't imagine how anyone could take out their issues on their own children. Seems to me like that should be the LAST person who gets the brunt of your bad day....

Sorry you guys are going through this IMA. I kindof understand how you must feel since the girls mother has done alot of similar things to them. It hurts watching them hurt.

i hope that SD is kept out of all this, poor girl.

Well, today SD is going to BM's. DH tried to prepare her this morning. He told her that he doesn't know what mommy says or if she asks mommy questions about court stuff but the court stuff is between mommy & daddy and they both love her and he wants her to just worry about being a kid. He said her only job is to do well in school and play or have fun. SD told him that she has to take her clothes back but he told her he's already talked to BM and they are handling it, so she doesn't need to worry about those things.

When SD was eating her breakfast, she said she's upset that she has to go to her grandma's house until 7pm. She says her grandma is mean to her and just lets her watch tv and that's boring. (I'm not sure what she considers mean because she thinks it's mean every time someone tells her no, so maybe grandma doesn't let her do everything she wants) Then she told me she has a feeling something bad is going to happen to someone in her family today. Then she told me she thinks her sister will get attacked by wild animals in the forest. I have no idea what she is talking about but told her that her sister is not going to go into the forest by herself and that she'll be fine. She looked like she wanted to cry but just said bye to us and left for the bus.

I really hope BM doesn't talk to her about the case over the weekend.

Ima - any chance that BM's boyfriend (or another male) has abused SD's older sister, and that SD knows something bad happened? Could that man be the 'wild animals in the woods?"

A stretch I know, but my first thought . . .

JNM, the first thing I thought of when SD told me that is that she is upset. She may know that her mom is going to drill her or talk to her about court stuff and she's stressing over it. (or she is stressing over the weekend in general. They go to the baseball field for BF's son on every Saturday where SD is pretty much ignored and on her own) She looked like she was going to cry but I'm sure she didn't want to tell me that it has anything to do with her mom so she said she's worried about her sister. That way, if she bursts into tears (as she's done before), we won't know the real reason she is upset. I don't know much about her sister. I do know that the last two Sundays, her sister has called her within 15 minutes of us picking up SD. Her sister isn't at BM's still so she must know that SD gets picked up at 6 and she has been calling around 6:30 pm. They talk for a few minutes. We haven't asked anything about her weekends so we don't know for sure if she is getting to see her sister on the weekends. I'd assume that BM is getting her sister from grandma too since the grandma is picking up SD for the weekend, she can get both girls at the same time, but that doesn't mean she is. I have no idea how her other daughter is handling everything that's going on.

On Wednesday, BM sent me a text to have SD call her. I had SD call her and they talked for a few minutes. When they got done, SD tells me in a sad voice, "Mom says she had to go. She wants me to call her back tonight because she's got to get all the stuff ready to go for the baseball field right now." I think SD is stressing over her mom being more focused on her BF's kids. I think that she probably believes her mom is doing stuff for them instead of picking her up and now she has to stay with her grandma. That may or may not be true. I think BM wants her BF to come with her to pick up her daughters and waits until he gets off work. SD probably feels that way too. BM won't let her BF out of her sight and that means the girls never get to spend any alone time with her either.

as far as her sister being abused, I'm not sure but it does seem a little strange that she's been calling her every Sunday for the past few weeks when she never called her before. So, maybe there is something going on that they are reaching out to or clinging to each other more. I've been encouraging DH to involve SD with her sister more during the week, but she lives an hour away and the only way to do that is to drive over there and pick her up or have dinner near her house. But, then again, it would probably piss off BM if we took her other daughter to dinner, so DH doesn't want to do that.

why the h??ll BM does not take her older DD to live with her?