How can I handle this without going crazy

15 years ago

I met my fiancee 4 1/2 years ago.. a little over a year and half since he left his ex-wife. Just to go ahead and throw some things that has happened out: I was 3 months pregnant and she tried getting her sister-in-law to fight me so I'd lose the baby, she has called CPS on us twice, the first was dropped the second one was dropped also and then the worker told the ex that they were not there to use as a revenge tool. She had 2 DVP reports against my fiancee, both dropped... the reason the second dvp report happened was because they had a disagreement and she tried taking their daughter back when it was his visitation weekend, he said no and she said, "Oh I'll get her back!" she then grabbed her cell right in front of us and called 911 and said said my fiancee pushed her and she was scared for their daughters life (she was grinning at us the whole time) she tells their 6 year old daughter that my fiancee is not her real dad... then she says he left her (the daughter) because he did not want her (the reason he left was because she did crazy things like lay behind his car and not let him leave when he wanted to visit his mom... there is too much to go on, just know that he did try to make it work).... She got pregnant one month after she found out I was... it's just crazy...

The daughter absolutely loves being over here at our house. She always cries when we have to take her back (not because we influence that, we tell her that her mommy will miss her) she begs us to let her live with us, my fiancee tried that but they won't give him full or even joint custody because we live 45 mins away from her school... even if we moved closer, the judge said no. The mother doesn't even keep her, she sends the little girl to the grandmothers all the time.

I have tried numerous times to get along with her.. I'd invite her in the house and chat with her. I invited her to the lake with me and the kids and she came. Everytime she thinks her and I are friends, she expects us to give her more money or she is a real jerk to my fiancee. I do understand that 6 years later she is still bitter over the divorce. She is remarried and been with the same guy for 5 years but that doesn't help.

What I need help with is this... I don't want to talk to her at all.. instead of talking to my fiancee, she wants to talk to me, but like I said earlier when her and I start being friends, she is a real jerk to my fiancee. When we go to the daughters sports, I don't want her to even speak to us. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted when problems arise that I just want to give in. She is taking him back to court to raise child support. It really aggravates me because her new husband makes double what my fiancee makes... she takes vacations more then 3x in the summer and we make one if we're lucky. They have a lot of money and my fiancee and I have 2 kids together and we struggle financially.. she is going to get it raised at least $250 more. Back to the problem, I am too much of a forgiving person.. I'm basically saying it's ok that you almost got me in a situation where I lost my daughter, it's ok that you called CPS on us twice and tried getting my fiancee thrown in jail twice. I just want a way out of dealing with her without leaving my fiancee standing there alone. However, I don't want my step-daughter to feel awkward everytime we exchange her. The ex goes completely psycho for 2 months but then tries really hard to be friends with us for a month but then goes right back psycho for no reason.. I just want a to-the-point way of saying we're through trying to be friends with you just don't say anything to us and we'll say nothing to you.. any advice

Comments (3)

justnotmartha
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow - lots going on here, but in response to your reason for posting . . . .

I can understand how exhausting it can be to deal with a roller coaster relationship with a birth mom - I've been on that ride for 10 years. I've been the one she wants to talk to because my DH is an "a$$", and then suddenly been 'your b!tch of a wife' whom she won't even say hello to. I used to beat myself up trying be 'friends' and keep the peace. We are now at the best place in our relationship we have ever been at, but I still wait for the other shoe to drop.

Truly, if you love your SD, you have to let it go. You have to understand that her trying to make you miserable stems from feeling miserable herself. It's harder then many can imagine, but you have to find a way to rise above it. I don't mean to look down at her with pity over her miserable existence, but to remember that when she gets nutty that there is something in her life making her so unhappy that you feel the brunt of it. Then list 5 things to yourself that make you happy about your life, and don't let her nuttiness take those things away from you.

Chances are you will never be friends in the sense of the word we all think of. But, you can be civil. If you open the door into your life by inviting her to the lake and such, though a wonderful gesture, it only gives her a way to slam the door in your face. Keep civil, but keep her at a distance. If you maintain that distance she knows what to expect. When she tries to be 'friends' just be polite, keep the conversation to a minimum and the contact minimal. When she tries to be nasty do the same. If she sees that her behavior does not ruffle you, she'll look for someone else to make miserable. Remember, misery loves company.

My biggest piece of advice - don't say "we're through trying to be friends with you just don't say anything to us and we'll say nothing to you." You are then letting her know you're affected by her. Instead, say nothing. Be civil. Be consistent. Take the high road.

As a side note, never let yourself or your husband be bated into discussing anything other than the weather in front of your SD. A nice response to keep in your back pocket is "I would like to hear more of what you have to say at a later, more appropriate time. Please call or email me." Then walk away. If exchanges can get nasty, do them in a very public place. Or better yet, a police station.
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What I do ... when mom asks for something whatever that something may be ... I say I will talk to hubby and get back to you I never give an immediate answer.

Another trick I use is not be at her beck and call with the phone ... mom does not have my cell # she has to go through hubby, SD or SS to get me one of them can find me or I am with SS because SS doesn't even have my cell # .... I am not "the parent" there is nothing I can do in an emergency so call your parents if mom "needs" something she has to call hubby who has to call me then I call her back if I feel like it (my control) probably the only thing I can control is how I react to her ... not how she reacts :)

At school/sport thingies have your phone on silence or vibrate of course and if mom sits next to you and you can see the conversation going downhill .. grab your phone and say "oh I have to take this and walk away" ... excuse yourself and go talk on the phone for a few minutes someone will take your seat hopefully ...
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steppschild
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree about being civil only. I don't really think that it's appropriate to be friends with a spouse's former. It's a nice thought but it has the potential to cross boundaries and put a strain on your relationship. It certainly has caused personal stress to both of you. I also tried being friendly with the EX - didn't work:

My SO's EXW is a user and constantly puts everyone on the spot. SO says she has always been that way. They have two adult D's together, both lived with us during high school, so there were times when she was invited to our house - graduations, getting ready for proms (I tried to be way in background for the proms)and things of that nature. Each time she has been at our home, she tries to be buddies with me. She seeks comradery with me by pointing out SO's flaws and by taking shots at his expense. She has even crossed the line by bringing up her sex life with him. When she did that I pretended that I didn't hear it. She is also rude to her own parents in front everyone, again bad mouths SO in front of everyone, including his mom. Everyone is on pins and needles in her presence, her own family too.

Last year a few days after SD's HS graduation, she called SO's mom and asked her if she would babysit her ADHD son (with another man) for an entire month. She was furious because her elderly parents, who normally watch him, had the nerve to want a vacation! SO's mom was caught off guard and initially said yes and then changed her mind. Long story short, we got stuck with the kid because she put her daughter on the spot and SO said yes. This caused a fight between he and I, as well as he and his mom. It's just not worth more than being civil. There's even more to this complicated story, but this is about you and I shouldn't have blathered on about mine.

DON'T BLUR THE LINES!

How can I handle this without going crazy

Comments (3)

justnotmartha

pseudo_mom

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