Tax Refund....Am I being greedy???

18 years ago

Okay I need your opinion. My step daughter is 18, dropped out of school, and has had no job for almost 3 years. My husband and his parents basically cater to her every need financially.

Last tax season we got a nice refund. We had plans to buy our son a swing set and take a family vacation. This did not happen because my husband, behind my back, ended up giving a very large portion of our money to my step-daughter to make an expensive repair to her car...the same car she uses to drive around friends and party while my husband and I are at work.

While my husband and I were doing our return on the computer my step-daughter had a lot of questions about how much we were going to get back and how much of that money was due to our ability to claim her on our tax return (mother-in-law apparently told her we owe her whatever money we get back because of her). I didn't think much of it until tonight.

She finally got a job a week ago at Walgreens. This is very good news! But she called grandma saying she needs all new clothes, gas money, and her brakes repaired on her car. Needless to say grandma called my husband and he is now going to cover all of those expenses for her.

Previous to this my husband asked if he could use all of our tax refund to pay off his charges. I agreed since money is tight and it would free him up financially a little bit.

Now I feel like I want to change my mind. A lot of his charge expenses are for her. Who's to say he won't charge his card right back up again when she makes a demand. I am also left to pay all the bills for the child we have together. We still have not gotten him a swing set or taken a family vacation.

My husband started to cut our step-daughter off financially, but since she has gotten this new job the money is flowing again. I am happy she finally got a job and I know we should help her out to an extent.

I didn't like the way it was spent last year; in fact I still resent it. Now I have a feeling the same thing is going to happen all over again this year.

I don't know how to tell my husband how I feel without looking jealous...in fact I think I am jealous. I'm also bitter because I work all day and come home and work all night while she does nothing but spend our money. Am I wrong for this? Am I being greedy???

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Comments (40)

theotherside
18 years ago
Have you ever been in a vehicle that lost its brakes? I have, twice. There is no way I would hesitate to pay to repair the brakes on my children's cars if they did not have the money. It would be right up there with paying for life-saving surgery.
imamommy
18 years ago
That's ridiculous to say a child is entitled to any part of a tax refund because you can claim her. If you support her, you can claim her. That's like saying you are entitled to your husbands refund because now he's married, not filing as single. Or maybe figure out what portion is because you had a child.. does the small child get a swing set from their portion? When does it end? You would have to figure it out five different ways to know who made a difference one way or another. The fact is that you and your husband are the ones working and supporting the dependents. If your SD works and files her own taxes, she will get to keep her own refund. You can still claim her if she meets IRS rules for dependents but she isn't entitled to ANY of your refund. Your DH and you should agree beforehand on how it is spent. Instead of telling him you don't want him to pay off his charges because it's all his daughter's expenses, which might make you look petty or jealous, you might tell him that the younger child should get that swing set and the rest can go on his charges. That way you are compromising.

In all honesty, Grandma should stay out of it and I'd be tempted to tell her that if she wants to fill the girls head with ideas that she's entitled to anything, she can pay for some of those expenses. The daughter going to grandma and having grandma call dad is the same BS as when they go to one parent to get the other parent to give them what they want. Grandma should be able to see that and if she can't, your DH needs to tell her that the daughter is using her to manipulate and get what she wants. If daughter wants something, she should ask her dad herself. Dad needs to also stand up to grandma and say, 'daughter can deal with me'. That just strikes a nerve with me... it bugs me when my stepdaughter asks my husband to have me do something for her. I do lots for her and there's no reason for her to ask him when she can ask me. It's something we are working on.
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imamommy
18 years ago
I agree that brakes are a priority, new clothes are not (especially when she has her own job & can buy her own clothes). Gas money, that depends on what she is using it for... going to work or school: YES. hanging out with friends or driving her friends around: MAYBE or NO, depends on things like behavior and being respectful.
mom2emall
18 years ago
wantingafamily,

I can see why your upset. Not all tax money should go to doing extras for one child, no matter whether it is step or bio.

As for repairing a car for someone who is not in school and has no job....well what the heck was the need??? If she has nowhere productive to go then she can walk, stay home, or get rides from friends! I do not think repairing a car so someone can joyride and party with friends is a necessity!

I would just sit down with dh and say hey, this is OUR tax money. I would like to do ____________ with some of it, and you can do what you would like with the rest.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
Is there public transportation available for her to get to and from work? If so, I would say you will cover half the cost of the brakes and she can bus it back and forth until she has saved the other half from her paychecks. If this was a responsible child I would have no problem covering the cost, but if previous repairs were done so she could go out and party I would hesitate to continue that trend.
Who bought the car? If you and dad did I would take the keys until it's safe to drive. If she did it bears some thought from her . . . how did she plan to pay for the upkeep on this purchase without a job?

And for grandma - tell her to shut her trap!! :-)
forms
18 years ago
Take the tax refund and split it down the middle, half for you and half for your husband. (or split it four ways, quarter each for you, your husband, and each child). Everyone can do what they want with their money.

Is there a plan to have her move out. She should be giving 50-75% of her check to you all, a part to keep for expenses and paying back money owed and a part for you to save for her moving out.

Also she should have so many rules on her, she WANTS to move out.

Grandma can pay for the new clothes and whatever else grandma thinks stepdaughter needs.
theotherside
18 years ago
The other question is why did you get a large refund? Either your husband or you is not having enough withheld from your paycheck, and you are just giving the government free use of your money.

I would at least lend money for brake repairs to a coworker if they asked. Or my second cousin twice removed. You can't even find a job without a car.

My kids have been turned down for more than one job in the past because they didn't have their own transportation, even though I was willing to drive them. Having your own transportation is a requirement for many, many jobs, and even if there were public transportation available, I wouldn't want my daughter taking a bus home after closing time at 10 pm or whatever. I find it interesting that so many people suggest public transportation, when only a tiny percentage of the country (assuming we are talking about the U.S.) is served by public transit. Never as an adult have I ever lived/worked anywhere where I could walk both from home to public transit and from public transit to work, and I imagine that it would be even more difficult to find public transportation if I were not on the heavily urbanized east coast.
pseudo_mom
18 years ago
I thought the whole post was about how hubby was spending it ... not what he was spending it on ... She wasn't saying not getting the brakes .... the daughter needs brakes wants clothes ... big difference between a need and a want.

Personally I would go and buy the swingset and ask hubby how many more years he plans to continue to support his daughter with the tax refund they both work for.. and say something like next year I think she should file separately this way you can spend your portion anyway you wish....

I am betting grandma has a big purse and strings hubby along with extra cash when needed that's why he is trying to please his mom via his daughter....

My SD18 just started working but her grandma has given her money freely since she has been out of work (last May). My SD writes checks grandmas deposits the money, uses the ATM grandma deposits more money ... grandma added it up a year ago in a 7 month period gave her over $5000. I told grandma she was a fool as long as you give her that kind of money why should/would she get a job. I can't imagine how much she has given her since last may ... I know her cell phone bill is over $200 a month... hubby pays for her car and her insurance why should she work. Everything is paid for.... Hubby took her tax refund and she complained we took "thousands" from her ... I showed her ...her returns she got $249 back .... whoopie hubby told her ...you cost me $375 a month just for you to drive around. Then told her either get your own vehicle or pay for the one you drive (that was 6 weeks ago)... She started paying last week... who knows if she will this week.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Wantingafamily [hey, congrats! sounds like you got one!]---

Agreed that brakes are a priority. And swing-set is if it was already promised to child. Family vacation would be very nice, of course, when it's affordable. Btw, was SD going to come on the vacation too? (Reason I ask is b/c I noticed this little slip on your part: "our step-daughter") Maybe you could just look at it as the money taht would have been spent for her to come along is being spent, instead, on her car which will facilitate her earning money and getting out of your hair sooner.

Agreed you should file taxes separately if you're going to be uncomfortable with hubby's decisions regarding spending for his daughter.
organic_maria
18 years ago
No you are not greedy.
#1. Its none of her business how much you get back in taxes. She lives with you under your roof and you have the right to claim her.
2. Tell your husband, no things behind your back.
3. Tell your husband, " last year you spent a large portion on your daughter to help her out with the car, this year, the money will go to our son. Its only fair. You used it last year. i want to use it this year for this and that purpose."
Your daughter has a job now. If any repair need to be done. she can pay for them or ask for a loan from you. The tax money this year goes to our son.
That is not being greedy my dear. You work hard, You have a say in it too. He used it last year for his daughter.THis year you use it for your son. Period. Its fair.
And if your SD doesn't like the fact that you are earning money by claiming her then she can go find an apartment and pay rent, bills food and all her endemities that go with it:)
Sounds to me this SD was spoon fed. I have a personal issue with it. I agree with others for the repair of the car was needed and its for safety. BUt your husband should not have used the money behind your back. He should have said the car needs repair , its for safety and we need to use it.
Therefore, The car is fixed now. Use the money this year for your son!!! No ifs ends or butts!
Your Sd has a job. Tell her to set aside money for her car. If she doesn't, then she can't use it for her own safety.
mom_of_4
18 years ago
Umm, it is none of her business how much money you get back on your taxes and not one dime of it should go to her. It is not her money or her hard work that achieved the refund... I would not buy any clothes at all for her ... she has a job she can buy her own clothes and if she didnt have a job she should get one to buy her own clothes. Also, it is a toss up are her brakes really so bad that they need to be done asap or can she wait two - three weeks until she gets her paycheck and pay for them on her own. And, if they need to be done asap I would fix them as a loan to be paid back on her next paycheck. And, gas money is what you get when you work ... you work to afford to be able to drive your car and go places. Since I was 16 and wanted a car my parents gave me their old car with the following rules... I had to have a job to pay for my own insurance and cell phone and all maintenance yearly registration everything was my responsibility. That is what comes with the luxury of being able to drive. And, until I could afford it my mom made it very clear that I needed to find a job that I could walk to. (Ofcourse, they gave me a ride until I saved enough money for deposits on insurance and cell phone but it was the point of teaching me to be responsible for myself)

I would be furious if my husband spent money behind my back to pay for a car to be fixed for someone who wasnt in school or had a job... and if they were I would still be furious if I wasnt consulted before hand. Husband absolutely should not cover those expenses for her.. she is not a baby any more she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and be responsible for herself... and besides maybe it is time that the other kid in the house get a swing set. And grandma is just that grandma... not mom or dad or anything of the sort and has no say in anything and should definately not be telling sd that she gets part of the income tax or telling dad that he needs to do this or that... Grandma needs to back off.
gigglemonster
18 years ago
The kids is 18, of course Dad has a responsibility to cater to her every need, even when she didn't have a job for the past 3 years. Not her every want though. Big difference.

If you sit back and look at the whole picture, why shouldn't Dad fix her brakes? That is positive enabling. Now you and DH know for a fact she can go to work.

New clothes, pfft is a want. Gas money, that is iffy.

IMO, I'd ask DH to come up with a plan on what exactly he will give SD money for to get her on the right track.

I just want to remind you though, she is 18. If she is a high school dropout (which I am curious that happened) she is going to have a very rough life. And is no where near prepared to be an adult at this point. It isn't as easy as one might think to give up on their child or totally cut them off.
gigglemonster
18 years ago
I meant to say "had a responsibility to cater to her every need." Now that she is 18,legally he does not.

However, I think it is irresponsible and sends mixed signals to a kid to buy everything for them but as soon as they hit 18 just expect them to know it all and fend for themselves. That is now how todays world works.
kkny
18 years ago
In my state, you are responsible for a child up to 21. Even if I werent legally responsible for this child, I would try to get to a GED program and then on from there.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Organicmaria: I agree with you & the others who point out that SD is not entitled to any "kickback" from xtra tax money that her father gets from claiming her as a dependent (for the obvious reason that if she's dependent, she's already ---presumably--- getting the benefit from that $ and that's why he can claim her). But I do have to wonder if one of the reasons she asked about this is because OP (who also gets the extra refund from it) makes it a habit, or a point, of not giving her SD any money for anything. If that's the case (of course, I don't know whether it is or not), then indeed OP is getting a financial advantage from SD that she is not sharing with the source of that advantage (SD). And if SD knows that OP was making a big deal about her husband deciding to allocate a portion (his portion? I don't know the totals...) of the refund to his daughter, I can see why she asked the question. Otherwise, it may have been a little rude and snarky for SD to ask, but from her perspective, it might be rude of OP to tell her father what he can and can't spend on his daughter out of his own earnings. This would be especially true if SD was feeling that her young step-brother was being positioned, in several ways, as a higher priority (which, since OP actually stated step-brother as the reason she didn't want husband's money going to SD, sets up a clear sibling "rating scale" situation.)

Not saying I would personally like it either to see SD out of work for three years and possibly taking advantage. But then again, if I was in that situation in the first place, I would be making darn sure that none of MY earnings were funding it (unless, of course, I was claiming my SD as a dependent). Whether it's admirable or not, the fact as it stands is that OP's SD can't afford to fix her car herself, or to move out and be independent immediately after starting a job and before any paychecks come in. Her father decided it was an important investment in his daughter's future independence to pay for this very necessary repair. It took priority over a swing-set and a vacation this year and he was thinking long-term because he probably doesn't want to deal with EITHER a freeloading daughter or OP b!tching about it. In my opinion it was a smart move.

Also, Organicmaria, if only it were so easy to make the sort of "one-year-SD/next-year-SS" arrangement you propose! If only life worked out so neatly! I dare say so many parenting troubles would be obliterated if it could be set-up so that each child's financial needs simply ceased for a year at a time... or for that matter, forever! Wouldn't that be great?
mistihayes
18 years ago
This is another kid with the "Me, I'm entitled" outlook. I remember taking pride when I was becoming independent. I loved the idea I could take care of myself. Whatever happened to that outlook on life? I would have been ashamed to go ask my parents for money after I turned 18. I signed up for the U.S. Navy at 17 & I was gone that following summer. Off to Hawaii for the next 5 years.
mom_of_4
18 years ago
I don't think anyone is advocating giving up on his daughter. But, I do think it is past time for her to learn responsibility for her own things... and fixing her own car is her responsibility.

And more so if she dropped out of school (I missed that before) she should have already had a job a long time ago. Or, at the very least be enrolled in some sort of program to get her GED or high school diploma. Also, there would be no way I would work all day and come home to do all the housework etc while she did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She would be actively contributing to the household. She should have a list of chores and responsibilites that she has at the house that needs to be completed daily and goals with specific timelines to accomplish. And, I am not talking about cleaning your room. I am talking about do all laundry in launry room on tuesday, mow yard and weed garden on wednesday etc etc... And, while I do not know the reasons behind the school drop out ... I do know that I would make things as difficult as possible for her all the while saying this is the real world... if you want it easier get into school and make something out of yourself so you dont have to have it so hard... There are about a million programs out there that are not the typical schooling... My brother attend a drop back in program that allows the students to work at their own pace but they can accomplish an entire course in about a months time if they so choose. It is perfect for him he is getting the credits he needs to graduate while not having to deal with all of the school nonsense that got him into trouble...
mom_of_4
18 years ago
I am not sure how you can call a husband spending money behind his wife's back that was specifically intended for something else without so much as a consultation. It doesnt matter how necessary the repair was or what his reasoning for it was... All acceptability of the transaction went out the window when the money was spent behind her back. And saying he didnt want to here about OP b@@ching about it is just a cowards way out of an uncomfortable situation.... IMO
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
MOmof4- when I said he didn't want to hear OP b!tching about the situation, it wasn't to justify spending money "behind her back" (although, if she regularly makes issues out of how he spends his money then I could understand it somewhat...) but rather to guess at what his rationale was in choosing to spend it on fixing SD's car.

And I don't think anyone is arguing that SD should be doing SOMETHING more with her life and much more actively ***on the road to*** independence (though NOT fully there yet at 18... not in American socio-economic structure the way it is). I think all of us agree that she is at least partly freeloading. But regardless, this is the situation as it stands in OP's household. If anybody wants it to change, it requires SD getting a job (she's done that) and keeping it, which requires a working vehicle. And yes, perhaps she could take the bus until she earns enough to pay for car repairs herself, but then again that's also money that doesn't get saved up for an apartment and future utilities, furnishing that apt., car insurance, etc. My point is I think her father's goal ---for everyone involved--- was to speed the process along, and to make sure that there was no excuse for her not keeping this crucial new job.
keepitmovin
18 years ago
Bios:
When you have joint custody, how are you guys doing your taxes with the other parent? Do you alternate years claiming your child?
imamommy
18 years ago
"if she regularly makes issues out of how he spends his money then I could understand it somewhat.."

Serenity, My DH makes an issue out of how I spend money all the time. Does that mean it's somewhat understandable if I go behind his back and keep it a secret so I don't have to hear him nagging me?
dotz_gw
18 years ago
Hi Wanting, Just see this issue as a family issue, not Step or Bio as most people want to look at this....Example...Came from a VERY large family(money issues as your family)If baby needed a swingset, and I was 18 and needed a car, baby came first, because I could earn a car if I was feeling ambitious enough to do so...That baby was useless when it came to bringing money into the house to pay for what I wanted...Even tho I came first.... I bought a car(took me to age 19) I blew the trans, and yeah, had to bus it to work..Fortunately we had a bus, we didnt live in the jungle, or the desert , or Beirut, or whereever these folks live and act like its a third world country and cant get anywhere...I believe even a kid without a bus should be resourseful enough to make a job if they cant bus it to one...Babysit on your block, ...live on a farm, make jam, sell produce, ...the jungle, chop bamboo....As far as safety issues , would suggest SD stop driving til she can afford to get it fixed, or a loan if you can afford to do that...And agree Gram MYOB....
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
It's a tough issue... requiring balance. It's kind of like the seemingly irresolvable conflict of "heads-up" vs. "veto power". On the one hand, to the extent that finances are shared, equal say in how those resources are spent is fair. But then there will always be disgreements. And at the end of the day, each person is bringing something of their own to the table (or should be!), which they have some individual right to control. If one person consistently encroaches on the right of the other to spend *their own money* as well as the pooled money, then it amounts to excessive control, which isn't fair. And which tends to lead to people "going behind each other's backs".

No wonder money issues are one of the absolute top conflicts in any relationship.

So I guess my personal philosophy on that would be:

-no matter what, never become so financially dependent on anyone that if something happens to them you're up the creek (or that you feel like your life is at stake, or like you're being robbed ---even though it wasn't all yours to begin with--- if they spend a bit more on something they choose to without your wanting them to)

-but b/c people living together have many shared expenses, you obviously have to pool SOME money. "Yours, mine and ours", again, seems the most reasonable approach.

-above all, know what you're getting into in any situation where you're pooling resources with another person. If that person has other financial obligations, know and anticipate that these obligations will take aways some of the partner's ability to allocate any and all resources to you. Adjust your expectations and lifestyle accordingly if you decide you still want to partner up with that person because that person and their circumstances is what you're getting.
sandieanne
18 years ago
You need to talk to your husband and explain how you are feeling. Maybe say that you have been thinking about the tax refund and remembering what happened last year. You want to make sure that your son gets something this year- the swing set or you want the vacation-whatever it is you want for your family. Someone else said that maybe a compromise with getting the swing set and then he can help his daughter with the breaks on her car (I'd be wanting to look at the repair bill to make sure that's where the money went).

You also need to talk to him about his daughter becoming independent, for her own good. If something happened to you guys today-what would she do to take care of herself. A plan needs to be worked out to get her moving that direction. He helps with the car repair, but she will need to take on more responsibilities by paying one of the utility bills, gas, food, clothing, recreational money. If she doesn't like it, then she can go live with grandma. Six months down the road, make more adjustments. She pays more to household expenses and needs to pay for all of her own car repairs, etc. Trying to give her a chance take more and more responsibility to care for herself. Of course, there's ripping the band aid off- you need to do this now approach, but I think you will need to be looking for a compromise with your husband. It sounds like your husband may not be willing to rip the band aid off. Try a compromise for the SD's best interest.

If you don't start talking now, you will be resentful. And for the SD thinking she is entitled to the tax refund- sure if she wants to pay the monthly mortgage, utilities and food for the entire family, then she can have the refund.
quirk
18 years ago
I'm going to get on my soapbox for a minute slightly (not entirely) off topic of your question

Stop looking at a tax refund as "found" money. It's not. It's money that you (plural wage-earners you) earned and overpaid in taxes last year to the government. You are not getting a refund because you can claim SD as a dependant, or can claim son as a dependant, or whatever deductions you have, or any other such thing. You are getting a refund because you paid too many taxes last year. It's money that you should have been getting in your paychecks every month but you mistakenly gave too much of it to the government. Ooopsie.

oh, and don't do it again this year -- you are giving the government an interest-free loan. Would you put your money in a savings account with a zero interest earnings? (and do you want to have this same argument with hubby again next year?)

((stepping down from soapbox now))

imho, that's a part of your problem... (why I said not entirely off topic) seems like you as a family are considering it to be "found" or "bonus" money, so why wouldn't kids think, hey, mom and dad are getting some extra money this month, how about spending some on me. or husband thinks, it's extra, not part of our budget, why not divert a bit to daughter. you are thinking, hey, extra money, a vacation sounds nice. (i do see that you are also having a general disagreement over how much you should be supporting SD, i'm intentionally not weighing in on that because i do think it's a pretty personal decision. i'm just saying the tax refund decision isn't really separate from your overall budget and the fact that you seem to be looking at it like it is might be part of where all the disagreement comes from on how to prioritize what to do with it)

If instead of having that money withheld, you had been getting it every month in your paycheck, what would you have done with it? Saved it for a vacation? Bought a swingset? Paid for SD car repairs? Something else?
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
If for no other reason than her own good, SD has to start building her financial independence. She can't do it all at once, though, and she will need many months (working full-time) to save enough money to put down for first month's rent + utilities and security deposit on an apt., plus car/gas expenses and money for food, basic furnishings and a small cushion for emergencies. Whatever DH is willing to help her with means she's independent and out of your house sooner. You'd be smart to see it in this long-term way, too, because it's likely the all-at-once, sink-or-swim "band aid" approach wound rebound. It's likely she will be overwhelmed and not be able or know how to stretch her Walgreen's earnings to cover ALL her expenses. (Hey, it's tough, even well over 18, to find a way to pay for everything you want/need... you yourself know this b/c of having to choose/juggle with swing-set vs. car repair vs. vacation, etc.) And unless DH is willing to give her a very thorough lesson on money and be available for any and all questions/advice on things like "don't get sucked into high-interest loans or raw-deal credit card offers", etc., then to throw her out there on what she makes, at her age and with her lack of experience, is not only harsh but unwise.

DH really should be starting to encourage this in her. It needs to happen the sooner the better. But it won't be overnight and it will cost him some time and money to handle it properly. you can't force him to do it, all you can do is encourage him to do this for her sake and be patient when it means a sacrifice you have to make for a finite amount of time. If you keep your finances separate, you won't have to make any sacrifice at all, at least not with your money.

So, OP, think of any expenditures DH makes towards SD's independence as temporarily "losing the battle" so she can be more independent sooner and you can "win the war" to have to divide the family money with her less, and sooner. The good news is: she has a job now! And her car's working now! And the money spent on it was LAST YEAR. Hopefully it won't be a big issue this year. Best of luck.
dirt_yfingernails
18 years ago
I agree that brakes are a priority. But if GM has steered DSD in the direction of Daddy's tax refund, maybe GM should pay for the brakes.
ifiknewthen
18 years ago
Do you have your own checking or savings account? If so, have the refund direct deposited in that account and take financial control of your own life. If DH is too stupid, dumb, naive, etc. to take control of his own financial health, then one of you needs to be the adult and do the right thing. If you file a joint return, that money is just as much yours as it is his. Take the bull by the horns, girl.
midwestmommy
18 years ago
In my household I handle all of the finances. There are times when BM will ask for money for things that SD needs and we send it right away, and there are times when BM asks for silly things that SD "needs" and we say no. I think that part of the problem OP is having is that her Hubby is having a hard time seeing the difference between a need and a "need".

As far as the taxes go. I do not trust the government with my money so I claim as many as I can (in my case I claim myself, my son and another because of daycare expenses) and we still end up getting money back, just not as much as we would other wise.
organic_maria
18 years ago
Wantingafamily,
When i file my taxes, i recieve my tax refund separately from my husband. I do not and cannot file together. I do not know if the states you can. If so, i agree with another poster, have the money deposited in a separate account from your husband.
I have separate accounts from the beginning. My Dh asked me to have joint and i said no way. You have a past, that you are responsible for. I made it clear from the beginning with you that i will not pay for any gas used to go pick up your kids. ( it costs 1400$ a year for his gas) I will not pay for that. Also his spending habits are different from mine. I do not smoke. That's 350$ in my pocket a month. He has his beer. that's 100$/mth. He wants to sprulge whatever money is left for his kids. Thats none of my business. He spends his money the way he wants. As long as the bills get paid first.Once the bills are paid he does what he wants with the rest.
I truly believe in separate accounts. There are alot of people married who fight about how money is spent. My rule of thumb is simple.
1. Separate accounts.
2. Bills of the house get paid first, (tv, food, electricity..etc..)
3. Your debt comes next
4. luxury items last.
That tax money if urned together, then should be split between the two you. And you decide each of you where is goes. That's another way to look at it.
Personally, your husband took it for his daughter last year. Tell him this year its for the son. And next year , if you guys claim income together thenits split 50 - 50...this way you do not resent it. This way he can spend it on his daughter if he wishes and you spend your portion the way you see fit.
The SD: is now 18...within the next 2 years or so she should begin ot leave the nest. Its your DH that must learn to stop spoon feeding her. Its good he started to stop but any other expenses fromnow on should be hers. As in , clothes, cell phone, car expenses, repairs and gas. She lives under your roof so she cna save money cause she doesn't pay for gas of the house, heating electricity, food or house repairs. tv, or internet.
Some people get bent out of shape when i bring up rent money for adult kids to pay. But my husband andi spoke about that. ALL the kids will pay rent after the age of 18. And we agreed 300$ a month is a good price.
And its not for only the SK. Trust me on that. My son and next child will also foot the bill. I want all of them working by 16. My kids i can drill it in their skulls. Thank GOD the biomom is also starting to drill it into sd to work by 16 as well. So we are all onthe same page for that.
Speaking of biomom, where is your SD biomom on this? And GM should buttout. She's only enabling her. I know grandparents like to please there their grandkids but i don tthink they realize they undermize the parents authority here.
kkny
18 years ago
Yes in the states you can file seperately. Unless your incomes are similiar, it may result in higher tax.

As to charging children rent at 18 -- its really easy to say that when YOUR children are little. Come back when they are older. How do you expect them to go to college? Where will they live when on vacation?
pseudo_mom
18 years ago
I must be a horrible mom I charged my daughter $25 a week room and board when she turned 19 she was going to school full-time and working more than part-time....

But when she moved out I handed her a check for $2000 most of what she had paid in "room and board"

And at 20 I was still claiming her on my taxes because she was in school full-time. I gave each (my kids) a few bucks when I got my refund ... hubby does not his choice not mine I do not work so I do not contribute to refund ... aaaah the benefits of being a SAHSM :).
finedreams
18 years ago
neither mine nor my X's tax refunds are any of DD's business. she never even knew or cared what refunds we are getting. at age 18 it should not be your SD's business, going back to school should be her business. no you are not greedy
wantingafamily
Original Author
18 years ago
Wow! Thank you for all of the great advice.
In response to Serenity and others with questions:
1. No, I am not B**ching to my husband about the excessive money he spends on his daughter. That's why I'm on this forum. But, after giving it some thought maybe I should be more vocal.
I think the reason my husband spent the $1700.00 on her last year behind my back was because he knew it was wrong and couldn't bring himself to tell or ask me. But he also couldn't say "No" to his daughter.
2. No, I do not with hold money from my step daughter. My husband and I do have seperate accounts and we split the bills. I tend to try to spend an equal amount on each child, while he tends to only spend on his daughter.
3. My step-daughter is by no means deprived. She wears designer clothing (because of grandma) while the other children get their clothing from Value Stores, she gets pedicures and manacures, eats out while we eat in, goes on vacation while we get to stay home, and drives around to parties on our gas money. Grandma pays outragous cell phone bills and gives her several hundred dollars a week to spend.
4. Grandma is also grandma to our son, but wants nothing to do with him financially. She says she must focus on my step daughter because she only has one parent (actually she has two, but her mom is a drug addict and a theif)
5. No matter how much I give or how hard I try, my step daughter does not like me.
6. My step daughter dropped out of school because she is allowed to do what ever she wants when ever she wants. She didn't feel like going to school and got kicked out. She would prefer to spend her time with her loser boyfriend.
5. We would never ever allow my step daughter to drive without good brakes, but up until last week there was no good reason for her to be driving around.
6. Grandma bought her the car too.
7. My husband will not stand up to his mom or his daughter. Anytime I try to step in I'm always the bad guy.
8. I know what they are doing is wrong. Children who are given everything appreciate nothing. She has had no job because she didn't need one. She dropped out of school because she didn't see the value in a good education. I truely believe she thinks the gravy train will last forever.
9. It drives me crazy because if she were mine, or even if I would be able to have some say in this situation I believe I could make a huge difference in her life.
1. I'm going to HR on Monday to change how many deductions I take out of my check. It would be nice to have more money to spend thoughout the year. Also, then less of my money will be going to a cause I firmly don't believe in.
2. I will also talk to my husband. If he still wants to spend his money on her that's fine, but I'm getting that swing set for our son before he is too old to enjoy it.
gigglemonster
18 years ago
wantingafamily, can you elaborate? $1700 on a 17 year old is not outrageous, that's prom night in my parts...

Does DH have custody?
mom_of_4
18 years ago
1700.00 is a huge amount of money for a lot of people and to me it is even more money to pay to fix a car for a girl who has dropped out of school and doing nothing but partying and hanging out with friends.
imamommy
18 years ago
If the girl didn't drop out of school, perhaps she'd be going to prom and there wouldn't be complaints about $1,700. That's a lot of money to spend on a drop out that won't get a job. Once again, it goes back to 'deserving' vs. 'non-deserving'. A good student that is respectful and productive is more deserving than a drop out that is being spoiled by a father and grandma that are operating out of guilt. If they have sympathy for this girl because of how her mother is, they should be giving her the boundaries that she needs to keep her from following in her mom's footsteps. After all, little girls model after their mother. The only way for her to be redirected is to form a close relationship with a positive female role model. Grandma isn't it since she feels the need to overcompensate and step mom could be it if she had dad & grandma's support.

When she ends up in a similar life as her mom, dad and grandma are going to be scratching their heads and asking themselves, 'where'd we go wrong'. or worse, they will blame it on genetics.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
"If they have sympathy for this girl because of how her mother is, they should be giving her the boundaries that she needs to keep her from following in her mom's footsteps."

BEST ADVICE I'VE SEEN ALL DAY, IMA! That's worth a lot more than some breaks and new clothes.
finedreams
18 years ago
prom night-$1700? what kind of prom night is that? DD went to prestgious high school, did well and got into prestigious college but her prom dress costed around
$100 on sale, shoes about $30-40, she wanted a neckless to match: 19.99. She also made some pics there (one set-split the cost). She did her hair herself, it is just staright and long, nothing to style.

And a ticket, not that expensive. They did not go to dinner, but rather got together in one of the girl's houses prior to prom. And all pitched in for limo.

Even if they would want to go to dinner and she would style her hair in a salon, it still would not be 1700. And if you think she had some ugly outfit I can send pics from prom: beatful outfit. And no she never owned designer clothes.

1700? huh?

girls who drop out of school should not be wearing desginer clothes. not at all.

ok, you have to fix her car, but maybe she should not have a car at all. many people do not buy cars for their children, cannot afford. BTW DD never had a car, and still doesn't. I could never afford an extra car.

I think you can raise children pretty fine without spending these enormous amounts of money on unneccesary stuff. DD's college tuition is paid though, but no designer clothes.

1700 is not outrageous for a computer that she needs for college,college tuition, medical bills...it is outrageous for silly stuff.
organic_maria
18 years ago
kkny
MY kids WILL also PAY while living under our roof. lol...As for school, i've place money for RESP. So guess what? School is payed for. BY ME I've been putting money since the day he was born!HE has his own bank account and so will my second child.
I have had enough of hearing about kids feeling entitled! I have had enough of parents raising LAZY LAZY HANDME OUT KIDS! GET a darn job! We bring our kids into this world. We have responsibility to teach them to be self sufficient!
Not to expect oh daddy will pay it.
THe money i give for school is my gift to him and to the second child coming. Its my gift to them as a parent. BUt i expect them to be responsible. And one of the lesson in life now is to know how to manage money and bills. Kids these days do not know how to do this. Paying some rent is a first step. I think charging 200-300 bucks a month is not bad for 21 hrs of work per week. Its reasonable. Of course if they earn less and have less hrs it will be adjusted. ...even 150 per month is fair. Plus they pay their own cell phone. their own gas and car payments. I wont give any of them that.
Wantingafamily,
Buy your son that swing set and yes change the money situation so that you do not contribute to someone who doesnt appreciate you. I did and still do it now. I've cut off my funds from DH cause in my case, my DH is the one who doesn't pull his weight for his kids.

Tax Refund....Am I being greedy???

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