If I followed that correctly, you have two DDs 15/14, the SS13, a DD10 and a DS9, and SS8. Since you're not mentioning real stepmom issues or fighting stepsibling issues, I'm going to venture your problem may have more to do with the SS13 feeling a bit the odd wheel who really is just rather bored and at a bit of a difficult age. He's got two stepsisters at the age of girl teen *stuff*, two stepsiblings (the 9/10 yr) who are younger and less into teen boy *stuff*, and a younger brother who fits in agewise and interest with the 9/10 yr olds. He has nobody to hang with that is interested in his age/gender interests and with a large family unit dad can't take them all out and spend it up like crazy all the time. Yeah, sounds pretty boring to a 13 yr old. I like dad spends time one on one with him (movie/music), really does not sound like you are doing anything to push him away or make him feel rejected. Maybe SS13 could occasionally invite a same age male friend along and play music or watch vids together, somebody to give SS somebody to relate to on his level? The BM and you both both being at events is something BM and DH are going to have to work out. I hear this a lot here and I really never seem to get the big issue over it. With the boys ask you to attend and want you to attend and you ladies keep to your own space, I don't get why one or the other should stay home. I would imagine with so many kids in these age groups that both you and BM have kids in these events, why would either one of you be expected to stay home if you both have kids pertaining to these events.

--"why OP is making a federal case out of unmade beds by young adults or teens is beyond me, and likely beyond her DH."-- I rather wondered that myself on the yardwork bit. If my husband was waiting for son to get up and outside to help, I'd pretty much figure that's their problem (and I am the bio-mom of the last son still in home). My husband is capable of getting Jr up and out when he wants help. I could see myself (which, yeah, has happened) picking up my purse and keys and heading out the door to run errands, have lunch and perhaps check out a few sales. If hubby was still sitting on the porch waiting for Jr to help or having done the work by himself when I got home, I'd pretty much not give a hoot...husband as I stated already is capable of dealing with any disrespect/behavorial issues between father/son all by himself. He doesn't need my 2 cents about it. But again, I think for OP it goes back to expectations. The lax expectaions in her new home are intolerable to her. She's use to children doing things her way and doing them promptly on her command. That worked for her in her old home, raising her own children...but it does not seem to be the way Daddy runs his home, nor appears he desires to (per their latest agrument between Daddy/OP). It rather seems silly and unproductive to me to be all in a fluster over a kid not being 'punished' for doing exactly what Daddy allowed them to do. Unless it personally affects OP what goes on between father/children are IMO between Daddy and 'kids'. If there is overly dramatics in the home perhaps forcing your own expectations and parenting ideas onto someone (husband) who does not desire your assistance in that area could be part of the problem rather than any type of solution. --" The only thing that makes sense to me now is to totally ignore them - have nothing to do with them at all."-- That's pretty much what the attitude should be when it comes to how Daddy finds it acceptable and has less expectations...let their father deal with them, not your 'kid' not your problem. If it does not affect you, why engage in it? But totally ignoring the children while they are in your home as long as they are being polite to you yourself while they try interactng with you will backfire in OP's face. I think deciding to remain but then treating them as the enemy and pretending they are not there because their father and they have different expectations and lifestyles than OP would be a mistake. Either work on a compromising harmony agreement between husband and you in the home together or cut your loses. Nobody is happy in a war zone or having to accept what to them are intolerable situations. I guess it kinda makes me wonderful how all these people got along during the meet and date period (hmmmm, now that KK mentions it, I wonder how long this period was) and why it was carried on into a married joint household if things were so intolerable for the OP from the get-go (these 'kids' did not develop terrible habits ...terrible in her opinion... over night nor did Daddy suddenly become a more tolerating parent with lax rules). If the OP knew there were major issues in expectations and parenting styles that she would not be able to live with but actually thought once she had a ring on her finger she'd change it all to her liking she's rapidly discovered differently. People, lifestyles and expectations don't instantly change just because a couple says 'I do'. If there is any chance (which she has not answered to as of yet) that OP was TOW and/or played any part in a 'nasty' divorce tossed in with the already different expectations of children and lifestyles, I can't imagine how OP thought this joint household was going to be a good idea. I'd think real hard about taking my cats and moving back into my old house (hopefully not sold yet)and considering the counseling idea. As OP states she is an intelligent woman, is not happy in the mess she got herself into.. and really, life is too short to spend it trying to change people and living unhappy...I'd take a step back and rereview what it is I'd gotten myself into and what I'm going to do about it. As it is now, it does not sound as if husband plans on parenting any differently just to suit your preferences (which he appears to not share based on his own statement) nor stepping up his already set expecations of his 'kids'. I wish the OP good luck and do have to suggest that she needs to stand back and look in a mirror to see if perhaps she herself is causing part of the stress and tension occuring in the home. One must realize sometimes that changes have to come from within one's self before one can expect changes in others.

Look, I'm not saying that it isn't impolite to speak a language in front of someone who doesn't understand it. And it is certainly true that it is her home, too. The only point I wanted to make is to consider the cost of turning it into a battle. Yep, you can win it. It's your house, your way, everyone speaks English only if you are in the room. Hey, it's not even your rule -- it's a basic rule of etiquette. Rules of etiquette apply at home, too (This works best, though, if she never, never breaks any herself, even at home). You are reasonable and blameless. You win! But ... what do you win? You win ... ... and the children don't feel at home at Dad's. ... and the Dad and kids have to speak to each other in a second language (to them) if you are present, which can be fatiguing and also just harder to express yourself as you really want to. ... and Dad's relationship to the kids is different if you are there. ... and things feel even more strained and there is even less communication, even if not a single word of Spanish is spoken. How does that make everyone feel about each other? Think it through, from each point of view at a time. NOT from the point of view of who is RIGHT and who is WRONG -- from the point of view of how this will all play out, no matter who is right or wrong. Now, believe me, I'm not saying that the only solution is for her to learn Spanish and/or to suck it up! I definitely agree that the children (and dad) need to think about how all the Spanish conversation makes her feel. They, too, need to see things from her point of view: she needs to feel at home and equal as much as they do. Who knows -- a kind, positive discussion about everyone's point of view on this might actually strengthen their relationships -- assuming that everyone goes into it sincerely trying to see others' perspectives, not just assert their own rights. And I do think that if the children see she is making an effort to learn Spanish, and especially if she enlists them as her teachers, they are going to be much more inclined to make sure she understands all the conversation. It just seems to me that there has to be a much more constructive (and pleasant) way to solve this problem than to cite etiquette rules, issue ultimatums, demand shows of respect, and turn it into a whose-house-is-this-anyway power play that will alienate the children, make Dad feel pulled apart, and ultimately not leave her feeling satisfied anyway.

" What do I do?" Buy the kids hunting gear and have them packed and ready to head out at dawn? LOL No, seriously. This in not necessarily a Skid issue, it's a 'time to grow-up' issue with DH. You have one child together...even if the other two kids never came over, how much time does DH plan on spending with this child? How about family time and outings? The next time he looks at you angry and says 'you don't like my kids'...look him eye to eye and ask "Don't you"? DH is using this as a childish ploy to guilt you into playing babysitter for him while he runs off and plays 'single guy without responsibilities'. Not going to get better until you work out the REAL issue. DH wants to have his cake and eat it too so to say. Time to man up and accept he has three kids. Wonder what would happen if you decided to take off with buddies the next weekend and announce that DH is babysitting all the kids. I do not have stepkids in my home (grown up and moved away) but my DH and I have one last 10 yr old at home and he knows he has pretty much equal "Daddy Duty". I have no problems with him doing time with events such as hunting, but he is also very willing to tend kids when I go off somewhere. Evening homework duty, dinner duty blah blah blah...I did not have a child by myself and I am not raising one by myself...it's been our understanding since the beginning 30 some odd years ago. You either have to work out this issue with him, or not whine over it (not that you were whining). DH can only run over you if you let him. What's he gonna do if you take your child and yourself off for a long weekend to visit your parents? Hire a sitter?