Hi Hoakie

First, take a deep breath. It sounds like your SD needs an intervention, not a place to stay.
If she's that unreliable, and seems to have a drug/alcohol problem, and a problem with sticky fingers (I'm sure to feed her habits) it may be best for her to stay at a hotel on her own dime if she can afford it. Is your husband aware that she has a problem? Is he wanting to help her or enable her? One thought would be if he is not willing to budge on allowing her to stay at your place, you could remove your valuables from the home for the time that she is there?
Your husband may not be ready to see the problem for what it is, and deal with it. He probably just wants to get thru this wedding and visit, and then feels it will all go away after she leaves on Tuesday...That would be another way to look at it I suppose.

My first reaction to your problems is, your husband needs to open his eyes. I would do everything in my power to make him understand that this WOMAN should not be around his daughters wedding or around yours and his valuables/home. This may sound harsh but, he needs to think about you and his other daughter. This woman is 32 years old! If she has not helped her self by now - does your husband think he can do it? I would almost bet that he bails her out when ever she is in trouble. This is not fair to you. That is one thing I can not tolerate - a thief, whether it be my step children or my own children. Tough love...they are old enough to know better. Stand up to your husband on this one!

" He thought about putting her up in a hotel but we dont have the money for that with the wedding for his daughter we are paying for. The ones we could afford would give her the access to drugs of her choice."

Believe me, she knows how to find her drug of choice, no matter where her hotel room is. And renting her a hotel room will be much cheaper, emotionally, than having to worry so much about the security of your home and belongings. (How could you possibly enjoy the wedding?) And much cheaper, financially, than replacing whatever it is she decides to steal. It's not realistic to have her stay at your home, then lock her out when you're not there to supervise her -- a hotel room simply solves those problems.

Please also call your local police department to watch your house during the times you will be away. It's fairly common for homes to be burglarized during weddings and funerals when they know the family won't be there. And with the particulars of your added-risk situation, it just makes sense.

I will promise, *promise*, you that if you let a thief into your home, your home will be robbed.

My husband has only given her money 1 time and that was 8 months ago. She ask him all the time but he refuses to give her anything. We have spent 100's of dollars on her children for cloths that they needed badly, but he will not give her any more money. Children which are wards to the state they live and are staying with her real father.

We talked about it last night, he knows where I stand on this. He is worried that he will loose her, since she is only his step daughter and her mom (his last wife) has passed away.

We talked about intervention and enabling her last night. It seemed like I got through to him. But today her sister called and said that she paid to get her license issues taken care of so she would have a valid license until they take it away for DUI. I guess I am playing the guessing game to see if she is comings or not. He claims he does not know if she is coming and she will not answer his calls now.

He does not believe in tough love, he believes in love unconditionally. I am finding this is a hugh flaw of his!!! Im going to see how the weekend plays out and decide what to do as far as moving my things out of the house that I value and putting them into storage.

He has already told me that if we lock her out of the house we will have to take all the screens out the windows so she does not distroy them, he knows she will try to get in. I will let the police know about this if this is what has to happen.

I hope I addressed all the coments in all the postings. Please keep them going. I am still very uncomfortable about all this and will not have a nice weekend if she comes here.

"He does not believe in tough love, he believes in love unconditionally"

Well, how handy...for someone who doesn't want to take any sort of action.

Why would it help to remove the screens if the windows are locked?

or does he plan to leave them unlocked?

At this point, even if you put her up at a hotel/motel, if she's able to drive (will she have access to a car?), she can drop in at your home any time.

You might hire a security guard for the week-end, but it won't solve the real problem, which is (sounds like to me) that this man has more disfunctional involvement with his stepdaughter than he's admitting.

I'm so sorry.

This is a crappy situation any way you slice it, and my heart goes out to you! My BF has an older SS who has been in jail in the past for meth and has been robbing houses for fun since he was a teen. BF and I had a discussion VERY early on in our relationsip about this and my boundries with this sort of stuff. I explained very calmly that he would never be in my house alone or with the younger kids, he would never drive the kids around, and he was to be watched like a hawk when he was with us. It just takes one stolen credit card statement or a glance at your checkbook and she could take all you have. All you need anymore to pay for stuff online is a routing and account number off a check and POOF! Bills paid, things bought, and you're none the wiser until it's too late.
Bottom line-you shouldn't feel THIS uncomfortable in your own house. This isn't an akward visit from the in-laws, this is someone IN your house, day and night and when you're not around. You're not overreacting, your requests to keep her out of your house is very sensible, and your husband should understand this. I get the feeling he already does, he just doesn't want to admit it.
Remember, it's your house, too. Don't give a drunk a drink!!!
best wishes!

Thank everyone for all the info. I have processed it all. He still will not give me a direct answer if she is coming to town. He will not talk to her on the phone in front of me. If she calls when I am around he just says I dont want to talk to her right now, she will keep me on the phone for a long time. I guess I just keep getting myself in deeper and deeper. I told him again last night I did not want her here, that I did not feel like this was my home because my feelings where not considered. I also told him that if she does come I would be moving all my stuff out of the house and into storage and I will be finding a place to stay while she is here. He told me that if that was the way that i felt than he would not stop my, but he wishes I would not leave. I dont see anyway around it. Than he told me that he would tell her that I (me) said she could not come here. So only meeting his step children (from a marriage that ended in death and he consideres his own) a couple times I am going to be made the bad guy. I told him that marriage was based on working together and I am willing to allow her to come to my home once all her legal problems are resolved and she has seeked treatment for her list of problems.

So it looks like I might be leaving the man of my life over a child that is not even his and one that he will not see for who she is.

No, you'll be leaving the man in your life because
he's shockingly disloyal to you,
doesn't care if your belongings are damaged or stolen,
chooses someone else's wishes over yours,
has secret discussions with someone that he knows to be dangerous to you...

It still sounds like there's something creepy going on between the 2 of them.

At this point, you know that you not only aren't even "a poor second" in the race for his loyalty, you aren't even on the track.

I'm sorry, & I wish you the best.

*Take care of yourself.*

This situation makes me so angry. I think you should stand your ground, and if your husband wants to spend time with her, THE TWO OF THEM can go stay at a hotel. DO NOT let her into your house. You have every right to feel safe and comfortable in your home. I wouldn't give a *#@! if a drug abusing thief thought I was the "bad guy" for not wanting (or letting) her stay in my home. I feel that if you let this happen once, it will happen again and again. Stand firm. You can't change her, even if you wanted to, she is 32 years old. Have the police check on your house and try to have a good time at the wedding. I really feel for you. Good luck