To a point, I agree. But there is a decorum point. If a person has graciously introduced a person with the status afforded to them, warranted or not, the other person may choose to be offended but a judicious person would see that the proper respect has been paid and any perceived slight is merely opinion rather than fact.

"This is my father, ______ and his wife ________" is not insulting unless it is said in a rude tone or with body language that is inappropriate.

One may expect a child to not know the difference but adults should know better. It has taken me over ten years to realize that I am only making myself look bad by disrespecting SM (overtly or not). Amazingly enough everyone in my family thought SM was just WONDERFUL when I was so vocally hating her, but now that I've realized it's "dad's life, dad's decision" and have shifted to neutral, everyone in the family wants to tell me how much they hate her. Ironic.

Everyone in my family and friends know whose sperm and egg conjoined to create me. Acknowledging my SM doesn't take away from that fact.

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Everyone in my family and friends know whose sperm and egg conjoined to create me. Acknowledging my SM doesn't take away from that fact.

I think by referring to parents as providors of sperm and egg you are technically correct but insulting all biological parents who have done more.

KKNY: "A step parent is still not a parent." "I think by referring to parents as providors of sperm and egg you are technically correct but insulting all biological parents who have done more."

How is that insulting? If all the bandaging skinned knees, staying up with sick kids, helping with homework, drying tears, reading bedtime stories, volunteering with Cub Scouts, teaching manners, listening to knock-knock jokes, and going to soccer games in the world is not enough to make one a "parent", then it seems pretty clear to me that the criteria for being a parent is providing eggs or sperm.

Because many parents do more, and by lumping all as egg or sperm donors, it is insulting. My mother might do all that and more for my DD, but she knows she is not the mother. But I appreciate your comment as it makes me more determined to make certain my Xs SO is forced in her place.

athlete2010 - it's really all about what is more comfortable. If the SC are already adults, it may feel weird for them to refer to you as "stepfather" or "stepdad". And you shouldn't be offended if they introduce you as "my mother's husband", unless you have a contentious relationship with them. Any of those terms would be correct.

Just because some people have terrible relationship with their parents does not mean everyone else should.

Silvers, there is a lot of contradiction in your posts. You referred to your mother as evil, conniving, selfish person who literally ruined your life and you have no relationship with her. In comparison even terrible evil SM of yours sounds better. Under these circumstances it is understandable that your mother would not walk you and it might be OK to push her aside.

But that's nothing to do with manners! For many people their mother is still one of the closest people in the world, who does not need to be pushed aside to make someone else happy.

I know for sure that DD does not think I am that awful, I doubt kkny's DD is hateful of her either, that's why it would be weird if they decided to push us aside and make sure someone else is honored! It would be very strange!

Thanks to all who have shared their insight and experiences on this topic. In my original post, I didn't pass any judgement on the introduction. I was hoping to get a variety of opinions.

I have been a stepdad for over ten years and I known SS and SD since they were in grade school. After their mom and I married, they lived full time with us until their adult years. My wife and I also have a child together. Because of that, I am now used to being called Dad around the house. So it felt weird being referred to as, "That's my mom's husband," in our home during a recent family party when my adult SS clarified who I was to his date. I know that he was technically correct.

KK, many parents do-more, and many just do-nate. Same goes for S-parents. Some DO and some DON'T. And adopted parents. My mother was remarried at one big event in my life, she had been married for 15 years to that person. I had my mother, my Sparent, my father stand with me. My soon-to-be SM wasn't invited. She was dad's GF for 6 months at the time. I had four seats and my other seat went to an uncle. The school fought me because they thought my Sparent shouldn't be up there too. But that person had been with me for 15 years and was a big part of me becoming who I was.

I personally think a wedding (insert other big event here) is for the bride and groom (insert title of honored person here), and anyone trying to force their wishes on the bride and groom (honored person) in any way is bad manners and in poor taste.

Doesn't mean TOW and CB shouldn't be in the doghouse forever. Does mean DD's wedding is not the hill to die on.

When I got married one of my girlfriends from high school EXPECTED to be the maid of honor. I think it was for that very reason that she wasn't. I had a dozen bridesmaids, and I decided my maid of honor on the day of the wedding. She was my most humble friend who worked so hard to make sure my day was special FOR ME. Not because she wanted to be "the special one" (literally, that's how she put it... I want to be the special one!! LOL, honey, I'm the bride, I get to be the special one). I will never forget that girl and how she said it. And nearly 10 years later we aren't friends again. She proved time and again that she expected to be center of attention, and it was all about her. And I was right. My friend who was maid of honor I ended up standing up for a year later. And then she stood up for me at my second wedding. And then I stood up for her at her second wedding. LOL.

I think a person can learn a lot about another person and their priorities and selflessness in these sorts of occasions.

Athlete2010, that your SS refered to you that way might have more to do with the dynamic between him and his date than to do with you guys. He might have felt a little more grown up calling you "my mom's husband." It might also be that this girl is from a nuclear family and he thought she wouldn't understand who you were without the clarification?

He probably wouldn't guess that this felt strange to you--would you feel comfortable bringing it up? He might be touched that you missed hearing the "dad" syllable.

Now that I think about it--I like my SDs to refer to me as their "stepmom," and not "stepmother"--"stepmom" feels so warm and affectionate. Maybe because the fairy tales don't include a "wicked stepmom," ha! The first few years DH and I were married, BM would always say "your STEPmother" to them about me...clearly a cold tone to it.

Yes, people can put their bitternesses aside. My first two years of marriage to DH were marked by comments from my SDs that the people at BM's church were "praying for our daddy to believe in god again and to come back to Mommy." Pretty grim stuff.

And yet, now I would describe BM as quite supportive of my relationship with them. Time, and BM's basic sensible nature, AND the fact that she and I both love the girls, have made us feel like family to each other. Except for the never-ending religion thing, we are similar in our parenting styles and interests, so there is very little friction. She oversteps with her expression of her intimate connection (no, not THAT kind of intimate, ha) with my DH from time to time, but it is weirdly inclusive of me also...like she wants to be in our marriage or something. But that has become less common.

I think it depends on the situation. DH and I introduce our children without the Step part. However, in school situations or legal situations we would define the relationship as Step. We have heard our (blended) children do the same. However, we did raise them for many years, so to be called, "Dad's wife" would seem not quite right. If we had married when our children were adults I could see the wife/husband introductions.

We call our exes birth mother/birth father. Gave birth, but did not raise the kids. Kids never asked why we used the terms, so we never explained and would have phrased it differently than that! We think they just thought we used it to distinguish people from each other. In the last few years some of the kids have starting calling us mom and dad. Nice.

Wedding - one so far. As far as I know an invitation is from someone who is hosting the event. Since my ex would not pay for any part of the wedding the invitation stated the bride's parents and my DH and me. I guess if it was an announcement of the marriage all parenting parties would/could be listed.

was the mother not listed because she is nonexistant, deadbeat, never saw her kids after divorce (understandable reason), or simply because she did not pay for the wedding?

Well, consider it this way. Your best friend is having a baby. You are throwing the baby shower and are in charge of the invitations. Would you put "Robertalee invites you to the baby shower of _________" or would you put "_________'s baby shower"?

I think the "host" would be the guest of honor.

My wedding invitations read:

Mr. & Mrs Daddy
and
Ms. Mommy

request the honour of your presence....

and if Mommy were remarried, I would have included him on my Mommy's line. and if my mommy got bent out of shape because I included daddy's wife on his line... that would have been HER problem! It's my wedding.

and I read the first few posts and would have to agree that each person should get to decide how to refer to the other and while some titles may indicate a relationship... if someone asks and the child want's to say "that's mom/dads spouse" but the spouse thinks of the child as a "stepdaughter", then both should be allowed to feel free to use the term THEY are comfortable with. The child may get to decide how they want to refer to the adults, the adults also get to decide how to refer to the child.. it isn't up to the child to be called "dad's daughter" if you really want to say "stepdaughter".

Sure; as long as YOU paid for it. An invitation connotes who is the host, not relationships. A wedding announcement connotes just that, an announcement, and all parents/guardians could be listed. THAT would be up to the bride/groom. If is is my money that is being spent, then I have the discretion to make decisions as to how it is spent, or, not give it.

A host is someone who is throwing the party and does tons of work to make it run smoothly and spends their money on the entertainment, food, and beverages. The guest of honor is feted and does not need to do anything other than gush at how everyone really is here for me, lavishly thank the people who attended and/or gave gifts, and hopefully write thank you notes.

Birth Father of the groom was not listed for whatever reason; the bride and groom made that decision. Father of the groom was getting married soon after (3rd time, fiancee's 2nd - seems she did not have a "real" wedding the first time) Did not ask son. However, he had to rent a tux and his sisters buy a bridesmaid dress for that affair. Ticked us off because one had lost her job due to the downturn in economy and was living with us (She did find two jobs to compensate and has since been reemployed in her field.) and the other is the one going to grad school and working. When the kids were all undergrads ex told me he could not afford to give them any money for college so he could save for his retirement. So, DH has made up for that and has not funded his retirement (self-employed) for several years to make up for their birth father's selfishness.

In all honesty, I have tried to put this all behind me and enjoy life. Writing all of this brings it all back and there is nothing to do about it.

Well you ex is a moron, so that's why you are divorced. Seems that both you and your Dh are very resentful of exes and there is a lot of competition who pays for what. Most exes are exes for a reason, they are no good, but you are not married to them and what they do or don't do, should not be an issue anymore. Every time I let myself think what and how my ex does or did XYZ I feel my blood boiling and he is not even that bad. I try not to think much of him. And then really we chose those people to be our spouses and parents of our children, so we stuck with them for life. haha

Ulrike1 - Perhaps SS was trying to sound grown-up by referring to me as "my mom's husband". That's an interesting observation. I did learn later that SS's date has a stepdad as well, so it could be that she refers to him in the same way.

Roberta, that's true. The person paying has the option of saying they want to put:

Her Royal Highness Queen Mother and Idiotic Loser Father invite you to the wedding of their daughter

...if she wants to. And the bride/groom can say "we'd rather you not, so we'll pay" if they don't like it.

I'm just of the opinion that a gift is not a gift if it has strings and thinking the wording should be up to the person who is being feted. JMHO

"My wedding invitations read:
Mr. & Mrs Daddy
and
Ms. Mommy" or Mrs. Mommy and Mr Mommy

This is how I've seen it done on all such wedding invitations. I think it shows class and maturity. Everybody gets it. And as a guest, I definitely don't want to know who is paying for what by the tacky means of an inappropriate and exclusionary invitation. These are all of the parental figures.

I am a SM and I am usually introduced as "my Dad's wife, LAmom. I'm OK with that as it is accurate. And with my skids, I don't need or want any more than that, ya know? My Dad's wife, LAmom and I'm good. I have been known to throw that kind of introduction back at them too. Like, this is DH's Other Son. Childish I know but effective.

And another thing, if SD36 remarries or SS30 marries, and DH pays 1 cent of it, my name better be on that invite if they want the check to clear. Fantasies about Mom and Dad put aside, I better be seated in the first pew next to my husband, the father. I don't mind if it's at the far end, but yes, the first pew.

I agree wholeheartedly LAmom. When my grandpa died, his girlfriend of 10 years sat in the front row. No, they weren't married. No, she was not on the program, my grandmother (predeceased) had that honor. But she sat in the front row, out of respect for my grandpa and their relationship. I happily gave up my seat in the front "family" pew so that she could sit there with her daughter even though I didn't know her and she wasn't married to him. Evidently they had a good relationship and were very close. What would Grandpa, the "guest of honor" have wanted? That's what matters.

Thank you Silver. Some people are so wedded to the past that they can't see what's real or important now. How they put their own biological children through so much angst and drama to "spare" their feelings about events long past and in the grave.

You are doggone right, if there is a wedding, funeral, graduation ceremony or whatever, I will be in front, no more back of the bus for me. I did that and it's a rough ride and for what? For whom?

Athlete, decide for yourself what feels right and don't be intimidated in to accepting anything less. Anything less than what YOU think represents You is disrespect so don't be confused. Yeah, it's the bride and groom's day if we are talking about a wedding but it's a family day as well just like the holidays no matter who hosts and pays. Good luck.

Lamom - I appreciate your comments. It's in my nature to be fair and give someone the benefit of the doubt. I'm not intimidated if I think someone is being rude - especially in my home. If I was sure that SS meant to be rude, I would have addressed it with him right then and there.

SS is an adult and does not live with us anymore. It is possible that we won't be in the same situation again for some time. However, I think that I will talk to him privately about this and let him know what I would like to be called.

I don't think you can tell an adult what to call you. You could tell him that it hurt your feelings, but that's probably it. Even then, I think it's a bad idea. He's an adult. You got to decide when he was a child what he had to refer to you as, it's clear he chose not to do it any longer.

IME and from just this thread, I see where alot of parents and stepparents kinda mold their version of what they'd like their blended family to be. I read a lot where stepparents come up with nicknames for themselves or want to be called something a certain way when the stepkid is a child. The problem is that the stepkid doesn't always feel that way and may have resented referring to a stepparent as a parental figure.

I don't think it has anything to do with how long you've been in the stepkids life. Feelings are much more complex than that. I also don't think it's the kind of relationship you can demand to be called a certain way.

Ulrike... you wrote... Now that I think about it--I like my SDs to refer to me as their "stepmom," and not "stepmother"--"stepmom" feels so warm and affectionate.

It brought tears to my eyes because it defines my whole relationship with my 4 SC...

Oldest SD 21 and the 2 boys call/refer to me as Stepmom to others all 3 call me the same nickname. A nickname I have had since I was a kid.

SD11 refers/calls me Stepmother to others never refers to me by name only as "her".

I think your statement defines my relationship with each of them in a nutshell. Makes me sad and very happy at the same time :)

thanks

This was the first instance where I have experienced being called "my mom's husband." I was almost always the first one to introduce myself to his friends when he was younger.

I would never demand to be called one thing or another. However, in my home I can ask to be referred to in a way that I believe is just being polite.

I agree that a person shouldn't get a title just based on length of time in a relationship. I think that effort is much more important. So, in my case it wouldn't be fair if SS minimized my role in his life by saying, "That's my mom's husband," if that was his intent.

How is referring to you as mom's husband not polite? Its funny there are people on this board who go on and on about how the maritial relationship is the most important, so how is the relationship to your wife not more important?

I think if you demand he introduce you as SF, and he doesnt want to, he'll just stop introducing you.

Excellent post as usual nivea:)

athlete, unless people refer to you in a rude manner such as "hey you" or ugly nicknames I don't think you should ask adults to introduce you certain way. If SS wanted to offend you then I would wonder why? Do you have good relationship?

You can tell him how you feel being called "mom's husband" but I would not ask him to do anything about it. If he knows how you feel, he might introduce you as "stepdad". But i would not make people to call you certain ways. It doesn't work this way.

On the other hand my brother introduced me at a large party, with many people who do not know me, as "finedreams" without saying "my sister". We don't look alike unless you observe us for a long time and people had no clue who i was. There were some funny things happening at that party. I actually had someone asking me "how long do you guys know each other?" LOL Oh...over 40 years? LOL My brother did not do it intentionally, just did not think, as usual. LOL maybe your SS just did not think.

"This was the first instance where I have experienced being called "my mom's husband." I was almost always the first one to introduce myself to his friends when he was younger.
I would never demand to be called one thing or another. However, in my home I can ask to be referred to in a way that I believe is just being polite.

I agree that a person shouldn't get a title just based on length of time in a relationship. I think that effort is much more important. So, in my case it wouldn't be fair if SS minimized my role in his life by saying, "That's my mom's husband," if that was his intent."

Well that's part of the problem. You've gone years introducing yourself to his friends without checking in with him as a child what he'd like to refer to you as.

It is not in any way impolite to refer to you as his mothers husband. That is what you are and the primary role in your blended family. Technical titles are not an insult, they are what they are. Some people don't like to use the pre fix "Step" but that doesn't mean people have to introduce them as "parent."

It doesn't matter what you consider fair. There are many things not fair to stepchildren. I think taking it upon yourself for years to introduce you to his friends without discussing with him is extremely unfair and stomping on boundaries that children do have but often times cannot express freely. Again, you got to chose for a long time how you wanted your family to be defined, as stepchildren become adults they can change it. There are many things they can chose as adults to discontinue, not participate in etc when it comes to blended families. And they have more power as adults to redefine their boundaries and enforce them which they didn't have the option of as kids and often times weren't even consulted with in basic things that affect them.

I agree with KKNY, I don't think "Mom's husband" is disrespectful on it's own. Unless body language/tone were harsh.

To be honest, when my SM introduces DD as "MY Granddaughter" it irks me a little. She doesn't act like Grandma should, IMO. Not up to my grandma standards ;) ie she only wants DD around when she can parade her around and flaunt her like a handbag. But I stay out of it.

The weird thing is that DD calls her by her first name. And, I didn't put her up to it either, I call her G-ma Silver to DD. And I call grandpa G-pa Silver (which is what DD calls him too).

She chose to address them as she was comfortable all on her own.

I have been introduced, especially to relatives of BM at family gatherings as "LAmom." Not DH's wife, not our SM but LAmom as though I am just some mere acquaintance. Once I was introduced as DS7's mother, like I was some bimbo who happened to have one of DH's kids. We were 10 years married at that point. One of BM's relatives was rude enough to say to my face, "Oh yes, I've heard the name." Why wouldn't they...the skids set the tone by the introduction.

I think you do have the right to at least ask for some kind of decent introduction. You are not a college roommate, an old boyfriend or a friend of a friend. You are a significant family member. To me, that is what should be looked at, that you are a significant family member and should be treated as such.

It's a matter of respect, accord and courtesy. That there are so many posts about this thread shows how important it is on how you are publicly defined and acknowledged says it all. The BMs and stepchildren here who feel that your acknowledgement on introductions is something to be left to your SS, catch as catch can, reflect that callousness as to who you really are in the family mix.

So, since it is up to children to choose what to call us (which I agree with), then why is it OK for BM to go ballistic when SS8 refers to me (sometimes) as Mom? (She is Mommy, I am sometimes Mom, sometimes Mattie.)

Actually I can, of course, understand why she gets upset. Unfortunately she does not seem to grasp that (in my opinion) it is not accidental nor a slip of the tongue, and that he is fully aware that it is going to upset her. It seems to happen most frequently when she cancels visitations, reneges on promises to do something (like a birthday party, again) or when she ignores him all weekend and the only thing he does is be "allowed" to sit and watch TV with her. I really, really wish that rather than screaming at him and trying to make him feel guilty that it would be the wake-up call that I think he, in his eight year old way, is trying to send. It is just really sad.

I appreciate the additional posts. My SS has referred to me as his stepdad before, so I'm not sure why I would be so way out of line to refer myself in the same way.

During his teenage years, SS would often forget to make an introduction when his friends would come over. So, I was just trying to be polite.

My wife and I also have a child together who is still in grade school. So, I am more than a husband. I am also a dad. I think that I can put the referral in context based on body language and history.

Since SS doesn't live here anymore, it would be rare that this situation would even come up again. If it did, I would certainly be open to talking to him about it.

I would like to clarify that I never used the word "demand". That is what someone else wrote.

LAmom, I think you're right. Manners, courtesy and respect... all very important. If they have issues with you it is in bad taste to air those in public.

I think it shows a lot about the character of a person.

Mattie, it's not ok for BM to go ballistic. Totally different, IMO.

Athlete, it could be that he didn't wish to introduce you to his friends as you would've liked him too. I did that as a teenager because I felt uncomfortable, just skip right over it because I knew SM wanted to be called something else other than what I was comfortable with. But that's me, and you don't really know why your SS did that. But you do know how he introduced you now. I don't think it's out of line to be called stepdad, if thats what BOTH parties would like. I do think it's inappropriate for one party to request/demand a change in introductions from another adult that is in all respects polite to begin with. In other words, your request is bottom line, an ego driven action and serves no purpose to further or nurture a relationship with SS.

There's no use in comparing a nuclear family relationship to a blended family one. You're not SS's father. You are stepfather, husband of mother. There is no shame in that and you're causing it for yourself.

Mattie, I think that's a whole different ball game. SS is being passive agressive rather than using healthy tools to voice his displeasure/anger/sad feelings towards his mother. I don't think it's a very effective tool and outcomes usually aren't favorable -- especially with difficult people. And as the outcome is important, I think it's doubly important to redirect his efforts towards that than instead of a knee jerk retailation.

Early in our marriage, my wife introduced me to SSÂs teachers as M, my husband  JÂs stepdad. SS also had referred to me as his stepdad, so I was just going with the flow.

I have always respected the relationship that SS has with his dad. His dad and I have a cordial relationship, and I have welcomed him into our house a few times for graduation parties. My stepkids have always called me directly by my first name, and thatÂs great.

I am proud to be his stepdad and his momÂs husband. I am also proud of the effort I have put into the relationship. The word "shame" was used by someone else on this board, and IÂve never felt that way.

When I mention that I have a child together with my wife, I am not comparing a nuclear family to ours. I am just providing additional information that I am also a dad in our household. I know that I am not SSÂs dad, and I've never referred to myself in that way.

Well everyone is going to know you're a Dad in the household, you don't need the introduction to clarify that. Anyone who SS introduces you to knows who you are as well.

So what is the point in telling SS you would like a different introduction? It sounds like you have a fairly good relationship with him and being proud of him is wonderful. And isn't that the most important part anyway? The actual relationship. And for all you know, he could've just misspoke without thinking. It happens sometimes.

I must admit that I find this post rather amusing as I struggle with this issue from the opposite side.

My mother was one of the proverbial "donors" some on here have experienced. She hasn't been in my life in any real way in over 25 years (that is a whole other post). Meanwhile, my SM has been with us since I was 8 (No she was not TOW).

I am always reluctant to refer to her as "just" my stepmom/mother as it completely sells her short in how I know other people may perceive her (KWIM?). And I personally don't want to refer to her as my "mom" as in my world that is basically an insult given how my BM has behaved.

So I struggle along and use "parents" whenever I can . . .

She absolutely is a parent in every sense of the word and I find comments that steps are not "parents" to be completely off base and actually offensive. Just as you can't refer to all BMs as donors, you can't say that no steps are parents. Every case is different.

mattie I agree with nivea that if your SS refers to you as his mom as to hurt his own mother in revenge, it is very wrong on every level, it teaches him how to be passive-aggressive and is unhealthy. He is too young to know how to address issues in a healthy manner i think he might need therapy. It is very wrong of his Bm to behave the way she does. i think good counseling could help.

Here's a little more detail: It was late in the party and I left to take my daughter over to a friend's house. When I returned SS's date had arrived, was seated, and had met everyone else. I went over to say hello and waited for a break in the conversation. When SS didn't say anything, I introduced myself by first name only. He then felt a need to clarify who I was - "That's my mom's husband" - since his date didn't know. By the way she then turned her head and looked at him, she seemed surprised.

So, I am supposed to assume that everyone he brings over knows that I am his stepdad, and there is no need for clarification by SS?

I think this is actually pretty polite for a teen, and yes mom's husband is same as stepdad. Maybe SS's date calls her stepparents as parent's spouse.

Yep, sounds pretty casual to me. I wouldn't get worked up about it :) Sounds like you handled it well. In the future, you could say, Hi, I'm Athlete, SS's step-dad... just to clear up any possible confusion in the beginning.

It's tough to meet the parents, maybe it was just nervousness? But it doesn't sound too bad and you can do what Silver said next time.

Someone explain to me how Mom's husband is not stepfather? What confusion could there be?

Nivea and finedreams, SS is in counseling. When we started taking him he was saying almost nothing about his visits at all, but rather was waking up with nightmares and making himself sick before visitation weekends.

When SS went to BM's two weeks ago, according to both him and BM he told her that it upset him when she called DH a liar (to SS), and that it made him sad when she broke promises to him. So we were really proud of him for speaking up for himself. Unfortunately that conversation quickly deteriorated to BM saying "Well,how do you think it makes me feel when you...[fill in the blank]", telling him he was a spoiled brat (he's quite far from it) and then excusing her behavior by telling DH "Well, he started it!" I kid you not. SS just turned eight!

Honestly, I have no idea how the counselor is really supposed to help him deal with this. I think the counselor is helping in that he seems to feel more confident in his sense of what is bad behavior, and is speaking up at least some of the time, but to what end? He's such a sweet kid and it stinks to have to watch him go through this and just feel so helpless.

Sorry, I'm completely off-topic.

poor SS he sounds like such a sweet little boy :(

personally, I would be slightly offended if my skids referred to me as just dad's wife... it would imply to me that we have no relationship and well it would hurt.

Ofcourse, I also kind of hate the word stepmother or step whatever. It has such a negative connotation to so many people (Darn Cinderella). But, I havent been able to come up with anything better to describe our relationship. The skids have asked on and off if they could call me mom but I told them that while I was honored that they would want to, I didnt think that BM would be okay with that and they should respect her feelings too.

I did have a problem when BM insisted that the kids refer to me as Ms. L__ , like I was a babysitter or something. That one I did put a stop to.

Momof4, is BM from the South? That is standard for that area.

I think if you dont like Stepmom, Mrs. L is a good compromise. A lot of people dont like to be called by their first name by children. I can imagine if a SM told my kid not to call her SM, and I wouldnt want them to feel they have to call her mom, I would be looking for something else.

Maybe they should just call you heah you, because you seem to get annoyed at everyname.

ummm let us back up here. First, I did say that I hate the word stepmom or step whatever... but I DID NOT say that I told the kids that they couldnt call me step mom. FYI They call me L_. And, if you reread my post I am the one that told the kids not to call me mom and to respect BM's feelings.

My point, obviously completely missed by you, was that I dislike the word because of how people view steps in general.... I thought the reference to Cinderella made that quite clear.

BM and myself are from the same area... south but not THE south. The whole Ms. thing was just a way for her to create a seperation between myself and the kids... like when the kids were asking how my aunts and uncles became my aunts and uncles. I told them that they were brothers and sisters of my dad. They were confused because BM and DH had a family friend that the kids called Aunt and Uncle. I told them that they werent really their Aunt and Unlce that they were a really close family friend and so they called them Aunt and Uncle. Bm chose to tell the kids that I have no idea what I was talking about and knew nothing about her family. Not her family, infact friends with DH before he even met BM...but whatever... those were rocky years.
She would get angry with the kids and demand that they say Ms._ It got to be ridiculous after a while... especially when she was making this demand the one or two times a month she was seeing the kids at the time. The kids would get confused and not know what to say. So, it was time to squash it. The Ms. before addressing an adult was always DH's rule for the kids when talking to someone outside of family, it was a way of her digging in a thorn.

" The Ms. before addressing an adult was always DH's rule for the kids when talking to someone outside of family, it was a way of her digging in a thorn."

Gotcha. That's my rule too. Mr. First Name and Miss/Ms. First Name are how I address my friends to DD, unless they are such old friends they are Aunt/Uncle.

I tried to call myself Ms. Silver to my SD and my DH was in shock. You're SM!!! Not Ms. Silver!!! LOL. I just told SD she can call me whatever she's comfortable with.

I can see how that would be an obvious poke in the eye.