Is SM a good Mom? Is BM in child's life? I think there's alot of factors to consider. I would look at a good SM like I would an adoptive Mom if the BM isn't in the picture. I have a friend who told her adopted daughter how loved she is because she got to chose her. Her little girl was 4, I think, & she addressed BM as woman who gave birth & then herself as Mom.

Why does it matter? Usually, a child knows their step parent isn't their biological parent because they know their biological parents. That's like saying, 'when is the best time to tell a child they are adopted.' I'm not sure there is a 'right' time, other than if they ask something like, 'why don't I look like you?'. Unless you tell them from the beginning, I think the way it's broached could do more damage than good later on. It would depend on how the child feels about the step parent too.

I would think that if a child is adopted or has such a close relationship with a stepmom that they don't know it's not their biological mom (because obviously the biological mom is not around or they would know), it could make the child feel bad if it is pointed out. Why is it being pointed out? or why does the child think the stepmom is the bio mom? If the child was very young when her mother died, I'd think it would be best for the dad and/or step mom to keep a picture of her out and tell her from the beginning 'this is your mommy'. If mommy ran off and abandoned her, that would be a different story, but it would still be wrong to mislead the child and then spring it on her that the lady she thought was mommy isn't her 'real' mom. As a kid, I'd think it could make the child feel like their real mom didn't want them and the lady she thought was her real mom wants to make sure she knows she's not. (unless it's a third party that wants to tell her, to which I say 'MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.')

Looking for advice online is a touchy thing. How much to reveal is as well. My son has a daughter from a previous marriage and the new wife is the new "mommy." They've been together for a couple of years and the child is now 4.5 years old. Before my son remarried, the child called me mommy and we are still very, very close (I'm gramma now). The child doesn't talk with her BM (isn't aware of her), but she has recently been reintroduced to her halfsister (now 9 years old who in many ways was the mom to the younger one for a couple of years)over the phone. My son felt that the kids need to stay in touch. The new mommy (stepmom has kept her maiden name by the way) appears to have developed a resentment towards her stepchild and doesn't have much to do with her. The child is starting kindergarten this fall and I know that the terms "step . . . " will be used in school. I guess I am looking for similar experiences on this issue and would appreciate some opinions. It is logical to think that the child will learn one day that her mommy is her stepmom and I'm wondering if it is better to ease the topic and term in sooner or later. The child is expected to see her halfsister this summer for the first time in over two years and I know that will bring questions to the floor.

I honestly don't think it's something that "needs" to be said. I'm sure if she called you mommy and now calls step mom 'mommy', she is just giving titles to who ever does 'mommy' things. If the step mom is developing 'resentment', then it may help for you to talk to her and offer support, especially if she doesn't have children of her own. It's very hard to raise someone else's child and it can be very emotional on both sides. I don't think it would do the child any good to point out she's not the biological mom. Did you have to point it out that you were not her biological mom when she called you mommy? I think it would cause the child to feel even more insecure to be told. Kids don't usually care as long as they are being taken care of and feel loved. I would focus my energy on helping this step mom to deal with her feelings/insecurity and help her make this child feel loved and cared for. There are step family parenting classes and support groups and forums like this where she can discuss her feelings and get advice.

I spent several years raising my exBF's three kids because their mother had a drug habit and left. About six months into our relationship, his kids started to call me mom. They never asked if they could and nobody told them to, they just probably wanted to feel like a family and a family has a mom & dad. Their grandma heard them once and told them 'she's not your mom, you have a mom.' and they never called me that again. I thought 'how sad, these kids just want a normal life and their "real" mom abandoned them and now they have to call me by my first name because it upset their grandma for them to call me mom.'

my mother never knew that grandfather was not her biological father, he was the only father she knew and the only grandfather we knew. when we found out the true story, grandpa already passed, it all made no difference though.

It only explained my mother's looks but other than that who cares. There was a lot of circusmstances involved in the story of my mom's birth (World War II messed up people's lives in Europe) so no one blames no one, no one blames grandma.

garndpa was a wonderful man. Great father and grandfather. who cares about bioparents, parents are the ones who raise you.