why wouldn't he divide business equally between you and his SD? why leaving everything to her? what is the explanation?

I think you have a right to be angry and hurt. While her actions are those of someone that is insecure and selfish, his are more disturbing. I can understand that he may be grieving and has found someone that helps him forget his past, and as hard as it is for you to hear, it is easier to try and forget than to deal with the grief & pain of his loss. That would only indicate to me that he's not thinking clearly and she is his rebound. She's probably well aware of his mental state and probably taking advantage of it. He goes along with it because he doesn't want to be alone, then he'd have to deal with his grief and his loneliness, alone.

It's bizarre to me that she would walk down the aisle to a song used to bury your mom. That's just WEIRD.

I can understand your frustration. My step mom's kids don't come see her since she got sick and yet they feel they are entitled to inherit what my dad has worked hard for in the last 20 years. They think it's community property and even though their mom is still alive (technically), they have already taken my dad to court for his family business. It was inherited as well when my grandfather passed. If he hadn't said he was leaving it to his wife's daughter, I would say that the business is NOT community property. It is being funded with separate property (life insurance from a spouse is not community property to this marriage). but, if he wills it to her or gives it to her when he retires, he has that right. I think it's wrong to shut out the first family and I don't know enough to have an opinion on your dad, but it sounds to me like he is still grieving and not thinking rationally. How is his mental state? Is it possible that she's manipulating him and he isn't of sound mind? If there is a possibility that he's suffering mental issues, I'd speak to an attorney to protect his interests.

I'm sorry I can't offer better advice. My dad is anticipating a lawsuit when my step mom finally dies. This has been going on for over ten years with no end in sight.

I don't think it would be out of line to talk to him. i wouldn't confront him or try to make him feel guilty. But you have the right to tell him how you feel about it.

Oh I know his mental state is shaky -- he tried to kill himself after my mom died - I called 911 and the cops broke down his door and threw him in the asylum - funny thing is it was that night that I 'met' my new SM - she showed up at the hospital and tried to get him out right after he got there. I had no clue who she was and told her this was a family matter he needs to stay here till he is evaluated and she needed to leave. I got him out the next day after promises of anti-depressants and therapy. Neither of which he followed through with.

"It's bizarre to me that she would walk down the aisle to a song used to bury your mom. That's just WEIRD."

Oh I almost walked out of the church!My husband had to hold my arm to keep me in my spot! My grandfather chewed his a@@. His response was just 'he liked the song'.

There was no explanation as to why he was leaving it to her, except that is what SM wants. SM is under the impression that her daughter has had it 'rough' her whole life and needs it, while I am 'spoiled' and don't need it.

Ugh I feel for you IMA - situations like this are awful.

I'm just irritated, if you read my other posts on this lady she's got an awful criminal record and in my opinion is a con and a gold digger. That and for some reason she absolutely hates my dead mother (even though she never knew her) - what she did to her I have no idea.

I do not think she "hates" your mother, I think it is just that she is insecure about herself and her relationship with your father. She probably thinks that if there is any mention of him being happy with your mother it means he is not happy with her. And she sees your mother as a threat somehow to her marriage. She sounds like one of those people who should have married someone who had never been married!

As for your dad he was probably just lonely. After being married so long and then losing your wife to death it can be a very sad and lonely time for you. Then along comes another woman who is there to fill the void. So instead of grieving you just substitute. And he probably just does whatever he can to make her happy so he does not lose her too. It is a sad situation.

If your really so upset about the business talk to your father. Tell him that it is something your interested in and would like to be involved with. Tell him that since your mothers money was used to start it you feel like the business is in her honor and you want to help carry it on!

I feel terrrilbe for you.

Other than talk to your dad, I would suggest you contact a Private Investigator, or other sources. My guess is this woman may have open wants and warrants. The police etc wont have time to track her down, but you can. On another thread, someone suggested in a similiar situation, have a lawyer contact a PI, to insure confidentiality. In any event, all interested former victims can be provided with her contact information. Or it will be helpful to have if there is a lawsuit later. I would not share this aproach with dad for now. I would wait for results.

I agree about your Dad probably just being very lonely and desperate to fill the void after losing your mom. The song at the wedding being the same as the one for your mom's funeral is an obvious and literal link between the two women... as if to immediately and permanently cement the overlap... make sense?

Everyone always seems to presume that WOMEN are the really romantic & sometimes needy ones, but I have observed/experienced that when it comes down to it, men become more attached, at least on a really deep primal needs level, and seem to have a much harder time (and for longer) when a relationship ends, even if they act macho or "mid-life-crisis guy" on the exterior (which is a cover for insecurity)

Sieryn,

I agree wholeheartedly with KKNY on this one. I would contact an attorney immediately and have the attorney hire a PI to check out this woman. I am the MH representative on a community coalition to provide services and support to crime victims in the community in which I work. One of the local deputies has made it his life's mission to investigate and arrest perpetrators of elder abuse, including women who prey upon recently widowed men. The situation you describe sounds exactly like at least one case he pursued. The woman became known as "the black widow;" not because she literally killed the men she married but because she would marry a man, isolate him from his friends and family, get him to sign over all his assets over to her, then she would divorce him or simply take off, assuming a new identity in another town, and start all over again. I forget how many men she fleeced but it was for hundreds of thousands of dollars. She had quite a scam going.

Your father may very well be in the process of being set up as a crime victim. I'd get an investigator ASAP. Also, sometimes, the Attorney General of your state will have an office set up specifically to investigate crimes of this nature. If the investigator finds anything, you could turn it over to them.

Good luck.

kkny has a good idea.

I've heard stories about women who prey on vulnerable men, especially widowers, & drain off all their assets, & this one sounds like an expert.

I agree with KKNY. Get a PI asap. How long has this woman known your father?

And I think the whole same song thing isn't just weird, it is certifably bat sh** crazy.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say my father did some pretty stupid sh!t after my mother died, and hooking up with his SO is part of it. He bought her a gemstone ring (NOT a diamond, but still over $15k) for her birthday one year and she said she "really wanted something else", it wasn't her taste, etc. She exchanged it for a diamond and then started telling everyone they were engaged and he sort of went along (mugged into it, as they say). My father is prominent in my hometown, and let's just say people thought he'd lost it. She and I have had major blowups over the years and have settled into a peace of sorts. It has taken time, but my father now sees her and her family for what they really are (money worshipping nouveau riche white trash), but he doesn't want to be alone. I just PRAY they don't ever actually get married to her. I understand where you are coming from. My father had some business opportunities that would have been perfect for him and my DH to undertake together, but he handed it to his SO's sons after pressure from SO. My DH is still POed and will never get over it. My DH has basically cut my father from his life, where they were previously close.

I think many women have enormous influence over the husband's/BF's lives. They also like peace at home and many will do a lot to achieve it (getting rid of all the pictures, for example). Combine that with a lonely, older man and you have a recipe for disaster.

All I can say is you need to tell your father how you feel. And then stick around and hope he sees the light.

I agree with kkny. I wouldnt trust this woman. I would talk to your dad privately maybe even go to counseling with him. It sounds to me like he is trying to replace your mom with this woman.

Who cares how rough your Sm and her daughter have had it! That does not mean that you get cut out of the picture. I would also talk to a lawyer about this, it sounds like he is making too many decisions in an unstable state of mind.

if this woman has criminal record I would be especially careful about her agenda...I wonder if she plans on taking financial advantage of her...

My grandfather re-married 9 months to the day after my grandfather died. My grandmother and been stashing money away for years that he didn't know about until after he died, so that plus life insurance gave him a nice little chunk of change. He and his new wife started buying property (4 total) cars (5 or 6 I think)and she insisted he sell the cabin he and my grandmother had built together because she didn't like him to be reminded of her. They didn't like to cook and he never had, so they ate out every meal. They did everything with her kids and families, but she would rarely want to come to ours. His 4 kids (and I) were all convinced she was a black widow in training.

I lost my grandpa 2 years ago, and I've seen her more since he passed than I did the 6 years they were married. She sends cards or calls for every occasion. All of a sudden she wants to be part of the family. It's very weird.

I do agree it wouldn't hurt to check her out. Just because I had a 'happy ending' doesn't mean they all are.

JNM, I wouldn't consider it a happy ending so much as a lonely old woman that doesn't want to be alone. My step mom has a sister that stopped talking to her after their father died and she felt she didn't get as much inheritance as she deserved. She was mean and selfish and then my step mom had her aneurysm. Her sister never made up with her and they were at odds when that happened. She still went eight or nine years without contact with my dad. It wasn't until her husband died and she married a guy that swindled her and she divorced him, and she had estranged her own kids & step kids, she has all of a sudden wanted to write to my dad and keep in touch. She has nobody left out there and my dad is the only one that talks to her. As terrible as it was that she didn't talk to her sister for several years and then wasn't here for anyone when her sister got sick, my dad has it in his heart to be here for her when she has nobody left. I think she's lucky for that but I wouldn't call it a happy ending. It really is kinda sad.

My friends grandfather went throught he same thing. This younger woman (in her 40's) showed up and hung around just long enough to spend all of his retirement and run up all his credit cards. When my friend reporter her, turned out she was a wanted woman.

She took off when the cops started sniffing around and left the poor guy high and dry and heart broke.

KKNY is right, get a PI.

Ima - that was an in quotes louded with sarcasm happy. I do *like* her more now, but knowing that she worked my g-pa into blowing all the money my g-ma had worked to hard to stash away still gets to me. Not that he was forced, just pushed. Any of the money left will go to her kids I'm sure, but for me it's not about cash in hand. I just know the things my g-ma planned to do with the money. Good one - DH and I got engaged RIGHT before she was diagnosed. She told us she wanted to pay for our honeymoon to a certain place that she loved and wanted us to see. It wasn't where we would have picked, but it was important to her and because she truly was by bestest bud I was more than happy to go. She passed a few months later and g-pa remarried before DH and I even made it to the alter. New wife didn't like g-ma's honeymoon plan so we got a coffee pot from them. Just one of those things . . . .