Straycat.. This is exactly what I want to communicate in this documentary.. as I mentioned on another thread.. many of us have the same voice same stories same thoughts.. I think we have to band together and express ourselves.. what will our society be like in the future if this is an acceptable practice. You know that by treating us the way they do, they are showing their children that this is an appropriate behavior. I have been talking to Mark Sichel about this and he has agreed to be part of my video as well as an advisor.. he said "I have a great deal of information on this now for my second book which I may finish writing some day, but it's all about the success of relationships having to do with virtue & character. People need a higher purpose (like the correctness of family relationships) and a commitment to courage, humility, correctness....or the result is disastrous. Unfortunately the psychopathic narcissistic behavior is encouraged in our world by commercialism, corporate greed, etc" I think he is right on and at the same time.. I feel sadly as you do.. I could not let them in my life.. I could not trust them ever again... they are total strangers.. big big hugs..

Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy

Hi Kasey and ChloeMichelle. I'm glad you both wrote in. It helps to hear others thoughts. I have a 'grown' stepdaughter as well. She's 25 and has a 7 yr old son and a 19 month old daughter by 2 dif. dads. She's not married but living with the father of the 2nd child. The 1st child's father beat her and she never filed a report so she doesn't want to fight for child support b/c he might want to get custody and she doesn't want to chance that. She's just like her mother - - - very rude, abrupt, unfriendly, hateful, etc. The guy she's with now is totally supporting her and both kids. she stays home. She's tried school about 4 dif. times now and has decided not to go back this year. As far as I hear from my grandson, she doesn't cook much, I know she doesn't clean much. If this guy dumps her she has no way to support both kids on her own. My grandson has come to visit and told us he knows what 'the weed' is, that he can smoke when he's an adult. His mother even told us she took him to get his hair cut in a mohawk (he wanted one b/c his uncle's got one) and he 'chickened out'. A mohawk on a 7 hr old - yep, that'll get him in the right group of friends. :( I'm with Chloemichelle - what do I think I can do about it? Not a thing. I'm with you Kasey on the fact that it is as frustrating as anything I've ever dealt with before. I didn't have kids of my own. I want so much to have a positive effect on the grandkids AND the stepkids (I also have a 21 yr old stepson that has caused some issues but not near as many as the 25 yr old!). I keep telling myself to be here for the grandkids and show them a different side and then hope and pray that they turn out differently. I can't keep my husband from spending time with the kids but it is so unpleasant sometimes b/c they don't really talk to me or act like I'm not there. I put up with it b/c I want to spend time with the grandkids. I've been married to him for 10 yrs so I'm somewhere in the middle of where it sounds like you guys are. I don't THINK I have the drug issue to deal with and am very thankful. Keep your chin up and be as positive an influence as is possible for your grandkids. We're the ones that maybe can make all the difference.

Ima, I'm not assuming that most people's silence has to do with support or no support. Please see my above post to JNM about that. KKNY and TOS also reminded me of my own Mom, even though I think we are close to the same age. When I started posting here and throughout my marriage and stepfamily issues, much of what both of these ladies posted really bothered me. I didn't want to hear about second marriage statistics or other such negative stuff, either. My own Mom had done enough to make me "miserable" throughout my courtship and marriage to what is now my ex-husband and I really didn't need to hear any more. Especially when I came to this forum for support. I married a divorced guy, and a freshly divorced one at that. He had been in a long-term marriage and had two adult daughters. My Mom didn't like the situation at all. She told me I should call his ex and find out why they really got divorced and who was really the cheater. She asked me why he was in such a hurry to get married again when he just got out of a long-term marriage. She told me that his daughters would always resent me. My Mom also said many men will tell a woman they are wooing that they had been in a loveless marriage and hadn't had sex or slept with their ex's for a long, long time before the divorce. Ouch. That is what my ex told me. And that's what KKNY and TOS said, too. But how would my Mom know anything - she's been happily married to my Dad for 53 years. I did end up on this forum because of dysfunctional step family issues that were making me miserable. And the things KKNY and TOS stated didn't help me at all. I needed support, not a bucket of cold water thrown in my face. If I wanted that, all I had to do was talk to my Mom. When I say this, I truly mean it. I still believe in love and I hope that everyone on this forum, including you, enjoys a long and successful second marriage and that their stepfamily issues get peacefully resolved. And I do think it is possible, but there are many challenges along the way. My marriage did not work out. I was able to get a legal annulment after five years of marriage, rather than a divorce. Of course there is a story behind that and it isn't pretty and I can only pray that story remains private and kept with those that I truly trust, my attorney and the judge. That is why the privacy thing is so huge to me. After the annulment, as I pondered my life and my future, I eventually came back into this forum to look back at my past and I forced myself to read my old posts. I saw one I wrote, just a few weeks before I discovered what he was up to, in which I went on and on about how much I loved him and what a wonderful husband he was. Though it was hard to read, I got through it. I went further back into some of the posts in which I had exchanges with KKNY and TOS and in which I dismissed them as being bitter trouble makers. And what I saw were two ladies who have been deeply hurt and who are devoted mothers. They say what they think, most definitely, but they speak from the reality of their lives and their experiences. I don't see them as bitter, and unable to move on, but rather that they state the ex-wives point of view and the stepchild's point of view and the reasons for those points of view. It is somewhat unpleasant to acknowledge, but I think they are probably accurate in what they say about those points of view. The points of view of the bio mom and the step child are really pretty important if there is any hope of trying to build some sort of a solid foundation as a step family with a happy future. And even if the bio mom is less than involved, she is still the mother and she will resent it if you try to "replace" her. Tough as it is, I think it is the truth. And I know your situation may at times seem impossible, but I think if you could somehow disengage from the anger you feel toward your SD's bio mom it might help improve the situation over time. I do think that is the best hope you would have for some peace with the situation because no one will win if you continue to fight one another. I also hope that there is some way that you, TOS and KKNY can start over again. Best wishes, June