I've been a SM for 9 years in July. DH came with a son (now 19) that he had custody of and a daughter (almost 10) who when I met her was 14mo old. DH has no custody in regards to his daughter. He used to get her every weekend as a toddler/preschooler, then for 3 years (from 5-8) we had SD 3-4 days/nights a week. And many other nights/days all the time. She truly grew up around my children and then her little brother was born (YDS 7). It was great. I came into the marriage/relationship with a strong conviction that for us to survive a blended family (I have two kids from my first marriage DD 16 and ODS 14 and no contact with their BF for 4yrs now-his choice) that we needed to treat the children the same. DH agreed.

We've had lots of struggles but for many years BM (SD's mother as SS's mother has never been involved) was decent and the 3 of us raised SD. I've taken care of her after surgeries, taken her to counseling, doctor appointments, etc., everything a parent would do. I've always been there when BM or DH couldn't get SD when she was sick or they had to be somewhere else. SD has no memory of life before her brothers and sister (this is how she refers to them). She also calls my parents grandma and grandpa, my brother's Uncle, etc. My family is as important to her as is her father or mother's family. Mine maybe more so as we see them much more.

Currently (past 2 years) BM has started on a HATE campaign against me. At first I just dealt with it; was polite, didn't call her unless I had to, etc. BM would still call me for favors or questions regarding SD. The past 6 mo have been hell.

SD told us that her mother says we all hate her (BM), that we think she's a b*tch, mean, nasty, etc and she NEVER wants SD to be here. These things have been brought up in SD's counseling as BM went as far as packing her bags on multiple occassions screaming at an 8/9 yr old that she hates her, is leaving her with her father and that SD will never see her again. We had suspected this emotional abuse was going on but didn't get validation until SD saw me and my brother and niece at the store one day and SD wanted to say hi to me and BM very rudely yanked SD's arms and told her "you will not talk to that b*tch!" Then BM started bawling in the store screaming at SD that SD didn't love her, that she loved me more, that SD wanted me to be her mommy. After that freak out they left the store. OMG!

Anyway, the past 3 weeks she's been calling DH demanding they go to mediation to change his parenting time. What she wants now is a change stating that SD cannot be alone with me EVER. I can no longer pick her up or drop her off at school (a school she attends with her brother) and that I can never ever be alone with SD, even if it's to help her pick out her clothes. Okay, she's gone overboard now.

I want to contact BM and ask her how I can change this situation to be the best situation for SD. DH says he doesn't care if I contact her as he'll never go to mediation over something insane like what she's been hounding him over as I have been a primary care giver for SD for 9 years. SD doesn't call me mom, she calls me by my name. BM and I used to work together even when we really didn't care for me, and once we were close and hung out together and I couldn't jump when she said jump our relationship ended.

Should I write her? This is getting so out of hand and she spends almost every day HATING me and I know this is spilling over to SD, we've heard about it and BM admitted to her nasty behaviors "because she was so upset and just acted inappropriately." SD would be the one to suffer if in someway BM got her way. I told DH if they do go to mediation that he needs to get more time with SD again instead of BM taking SD to a friend's house while she works overnight 3-4 nights a week (that situation is not appropriate for SD) SD should come here again. DH has given up to much and not fought for SD because he's always afraid he'll lose. But at least in our state stepparents do get visitation and the courts are seeing that we are important. I'm mostly concerned that this vendetta BM has against me is misplaced and I don't even know why she spends so much time hating me. I may not care for how she acts or treats SD but it is her child and the counselor or DH will eventually do something about it.

Anyone have any ideas on how to approach her? Her constant daily harassment of DH needs to end and I feel that whatever issue she has with me she needs to take it up with me as the only one other than DH that will suffer is SD if she loses everyone that she has known since she was a baby, especially her brothers and sister.

:(