I remember when my two SSs first started making independent choices about how they were going to spend their weekends. They were in their early teens, also, and had sports commitments as well as their own social lives. It was hard, and we all lived in the same town, so I'm sure with an hour commute each it's even harder for your family. When your SS#2 has plans back at home, whether it be sports or social, are you able to drive him? Is the issue that if he has something in the middle of the weekend, it's too difficult to get back and forth? If this isn't the issue, then it sounds like BM is just trying to make things difficult. A 13 yo should be able to communicate to his father about his schedule and not be hiding behind his mom. It could be that he is afraid to cross his mom, so he just lets her take the lead on these things.

Would it be helpful to have a sitdown between DH, BM and SS? The three of them could discuss how scheduling conflcts should be handled. I guess the real question would be, would it be possible? If BM is just not reasonable, then I would suggest DH try to talk to son directly. But if son is afraid of BM's reaction, that might be impossible, as well.

Good luck with your situation.

Thanks Tamar_422. We work to accomidate his schedule, but most of the time, he'd rather stay at him Moms becuase he doesn't want to have to make the ride to our place and then back there for his event (usually on Saturday's), and then back to our place again. I can actully understand that, becuase then he spends most of his weekend in the car. So, I don't think that part of the problem is actually her. However, I do agree that he should be the person to communicate this to his father. For instance, he has tomorrow off from school. When his father spoke to him the other night about coming over either Thursday night or Friday, he said that he had to ask him Mom, and then said that his Mom didn't know if he had school on Friday and that he may have a 1/2 day at school. Now, I can understand him not knowing for sure, but his mother's life is about managing her children. She lives for it. Also, she knows the school schedule of the son that lives with us, you think she doesn't know the one that lives with her? I knew that she was lying about him having school. She's just wanting to be difficult. So, I called and checked, and they are off tomorrow for sure. It's really troubling that she would lie like that. I think that you are correct in that he doesn't want to cross his mom. And for that, I feel so bad for him. At one time, a sit down may have been possible, but now, it's just not going to happen. Also, she loves to be involved in everything and to meddle, and does not like that my husband has asked that his son and him discuss things, and come to a decision between them. She lives for control.
Thanks for the well wishes!

jessegirl, this woman is obviously very controlling. One concern for me would be that the 13 yo is scared of his mom. If she abused the 14 yo, do you think she is abusing the one at home? I am confused on why the other one did not get removed? But, my husband went through pretty much the same thing. She was always trying to control my husband not to mention his kids. Then myself - not. My husband finally reached the point that when his youngest son turned 13, he told her to never call him again and he would communicate with his son on his own. Well that did not go over to well with her and she continuously tried to interfere. Everytime my husband called his son, she would answer and he would ask to speak to him. She would either go off (my husband would just hang up on her), or she would say she would give him a message - this usually meant she had an man around, and of course would not show her ass in front of him! My husband would call his son's cell phone and talk to him that way. He would leave messages on the answer machine. When he did talk to him - he would let him know he had been calling and ask if he got the message - and of course he did not. Now she finally leaves my husband alone (after about 2 months after he told her to butt out - he would just hang up on her so she finally got tired of trying). I guess my point is that whether he converses with her in any way, or whether he ignores her and refuses to talk to her and just leave messages for the boy, she either way is not going to stop controlling all of you. So the best way is to just keep trying - but not with her. This kid is old enough to make his own decisions but she is not going to let him. Tell him you want him to come, leave it up to him to call you and tell you no or yes. Tell your husband that if she calls or emails to say he does not want to come, tell her you will deal with the son - then hang up. You are pretty much at a no win situation. But have some control for yourselves. Do not let this woman try and humiliate you and your husband. Tell your son the truth that it is his mother being difficult.

"We didn't fuss with it since his age and all, and to force a teenager on visitation will only backfire and create resentments."

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on this point. Well, not about the part about it creating resentments -- kids that age are FULL of resentment, no matter what you do. But about 'letting' the kids skip visits with his father. IMO, it sends the message that Dad doesn't care all that much and that the kid can decide how much time he wants to spend with his father. Which in turn means the BioMom can influence it, and if she's being difficult and trying to obstruct, the kid's visits can easily dwindle into nothingness.

While team sports are on fairly 'set' schedules, the remainder of a young teen's social life is certainly within his own influence. I'd ask your husband to tell his son that this time is too important to miss. If it means more time in the car, then it means more time in the car. Or a re-arrangement of schedules to make up for lost time.

Also, BioMom has no business screening Dad's calls to his son - assuming they're during normal waking hours. Would getting him a cell phone be a possibility? That way, Dad can call him directly and he can keep in touch with his friends.

Sweeby,

Do you have any suggestions? SD is saying she will not visit if I am present (I am GF, not wife). I suspect BM is behind this. Any thoughts?

Jenny_alabama
So DSS removed the 14 yr old 3yrs ago because he told them what she had done. (physical and emotional abuse) Unfortunatly, the other son would not cooperate, and they would not remove him. He stood his ground with Mom. (she threatened him that she would hurt herself if he left). You are right, she is controling, and we've done all we can to please her, but we're done now. He is going to do the same as your husband. He did have a talk with his son this afternoon, and let him know that he expects that when his son has practice, or needs to change things, that he will call him, and not go thru his mother, since it's their relationship that is effected by it.

Sweeby
I really see where you're coming from on this. I also agree with what you are saying, in priciple. The thing is, we've discussed this with a therapist, and they feel that to force the visiation would give the son more resentments on top of the one's he already has, and would create a more hostile environment during visitation. In turn, making visitation a negative experience for him altogether. My initial reaction was *internally* "you don't want to? Too bad, you're coming", but from what I've read, and discussed with the therapist, giving them some space gives them the opportunity to realize that they have made a mistake. My husband has discussed this with him, and told him that family comes first, and that friends will come and go, but try getting a teenager to believe that is a miracle in itself. They are more concerned with their peer group than their parents. Recently his best friend ditched him. We don't know why, and I don't know if he knows why, but that really upset him, and he feels like he's missing out on stuff with his friends when he comes to our place. My husband did tell him that we love him, and that we would love to see him more regularly, and that we'll always be here for him. He did recently get a cell phone, which should make communication easier without having to call his Mom's house or her cell phone. He only calls him after school, and no later than 9pm as to not disrupt her home and be respectful.
We'll have to see how things go with the visits. If the pattern continues, then we'll have to pull back a little and let him know that he's being rude, and that's not OK.

That is so sad...best of luck to all of you. Stand your ground!

Helenar - IMO, your situation is a quite different... SD may easily have her own reasons and be responsible for her own decisions. And BioMom would have pretty valid grounds for supporting her without diving to the kinds of dirty tricks Jesse's dealing with.

Here is a link that might be useful: Old thread

Helenar,

I think you need to let your boyfriend spend time with his daughter without being around. Why do you want to be there anyway? You say that she is mean and disrespectful to you and that your boyfriend also doesn't respect you when she is around.