does SD have a mom? when you get married refer to yourself as a stepmom until then probably stay low key and accept whatever they call you. probably first name. you are not auntie, but you are not mom either. i would not call myself anybody's mom if I am not.

No I'm not saying I want to be referred to as mom. I was wondering how some of you have explained to young children who you are or if you even bother to. I don't know what questions they might ask SD while she's at school so I was wondering how you explain it. i guess also to your SKs if the life they have now is all they really know/remember

My SD usually introduces me as her mom. Occasionally as step mom, but most times she leaves the step off. Her friends all refer to me as her mom, but realize she has two. Same with her school. It has gotten a little tricky aat times because she'll say "I need to ask my mom" and then have to clarify which one.

It's hard to say to just be 'keepit' when you are like a mom but not a step mom. If you all want to refer to you as step I see no problem, but I'm not a stickler for titles - I say it's whatever makes the kid happy. You could also just be 'her good friend Keepit' if nothing else fits.

I would be fine answering back, "I'm the coolest SM(SMtobe) in the world". I agree w/ FineDreams on the Auntie thing. I think Aunts are awesome & special, but you seem more than just an Aunt.
I also think since it's your issue, you should find a name that you & SD are comfortable with. Run it by your DH & he already agreed to be supportive. He sounds like a nice guy. Remember to always pick your issues wisely.
And if you think you are pms'ing, promise yourself you will not discuss/solve any issues that week/10 days but come back to the issue that's bothering you once the pms is over. I pms horribly...I can't stand myself & I really can't stand my DH those 7 days prior. I could make a small bump in the road seem like a mountain.

I think its hilarious "I'm the coolest SM in the world"... I would so not be able to say that even 20 years from now, lol. But I totally see what you all are saying.

While I am concerned about what SD wants, I worry what BM will say when she over/hears any of it. She has her moments and I can tell she's been irritable about just KNOWING my involvement in SDs life. Like talking to her teachers even if its just to relay the information back to FDH or even BM, because I'm the one who drops her off at school. Anyway, i guess there are a lot of little issues all around, just trying to take them one by one.

why dont you ask FDHs DD what she calls her friend's moms? As in when you are over at Nancy's house, what do you call Nancys' mom? Do you call her Mrs. Smith? etc., get a feel for that and then ask her what she thinks her friends should call you.

And I dont think you should be talking to her teachers other than a hello how you.

Well thanks for your opinion KKNY, but frankly I don't think your opinion is ever unbiased/clean when it comes to "step parent" boundaries; I'm sorry that your experiences have been less than desirable but FDH, BM, and I all agree we are a team and work together for SD.
I asked for everyones experiences regarding a specific thing Not whether you think I should talk to her teachers or not.

Again, thanks for your tips regarding the name thing.

I think it should be with whatever you AND SD are comfortable with.

When I was a kid my step-mom would tell everything to everyone. It was more than annoying, people didn't want to know that stuff or even care. On the same token I would have been just as uncomfortable if she would refer to herself as my mom.

But anyway, I don't know how your SD feels but I would hear her input on this before coming up with a standard answer.

As a SD, it can be hard deciding what you want to call the 'new person' I don't know how old you SD is or how long you and your DH have been married so it's hard to give advice. I know that i always called my SF by his first name but as i got older when I would introduce him, I always said my dad. He raised me since I was 3 and I always felt like my biological father was 'my father' and my SD was my daddy cause he was always there. I think it will come in time, but for right now, call it what it is. ie - "i'm keep it, SD step mother" I know step mother always envokes those fairy tale stereo types and its probably hard to think of yourself in those terms. But speaking as a SD, step-parents are twice as wonderful cause they love you as much as biological parents (sometimes more) even when they didnt have to. So be proud to be a step mom!

Keepitmovin,

Unbiased -- I think everyone here has a bias. Unclean ???

In any event, you said "While I am concerned about what SD wants, I worry what BM will say when she over/hears any of it. She has her moments and I can tell she's been irritable about just KNOWING my involvement in SDs life. Like talking to her teachers even if its just to relay the information back to FDH or even BM, because I'm the one who drops her off at school. Anyway, i guess there are a lot of little issues all around, just trying to take them one by one.
"

That to me is indicative of different people having different ideas on these things.

KKNY,

Just because people agree on things doesnt mean that sometimes they may get insecure even when in the past they've been fine about it.

I wouldn't worry about what BM thinks as far as what people call you as long as it's not overstepping boundaries of what the children call their mother. This is about you and your household. When I was the live in GF- my SS just said my name or dad's girlfriend. He still calls me by my first name generally, but when he needs to identify me he says stepmom. He started the step mom thing just before we got married saying it was easier. He corrected people in the beginning if they called me mom, but after awhile, he stopped. It was just too much of a hastle. BM chooses to stay out of a lot of things so if she is feeling insecure, she needs to be more involved in my SS's activities. I will only say something if an adult makes the mistake at this point. I will say something to them out of my SS's hearing.

I would be more concerned with what the kids feel comfortable with. They are the ones who have to live with both parents behaviors so it be should something that they can handle on both ends. As for the school thing...can't help but chime in...there are times when stepparents have to deal with the school and teachers- whether the bioparents like it or not. I've had to deal with a parent teacher conference by myself and when I discussed the conference with my dh, he tried to minimize what the teacher told me (at the time my SS was not listening and not taking responsibility for his actions- nothing major-but worthy of a discussion with his parents) DH was out of town on business and BM went to Florida with her husband. DH thought I was being hard on his son, but I was only repeating what the teacher said- I told him to figure things out for himself next time or trust me in my effort to be there for him and his son. I've also had to deal with some things from before and after school care. If a step parent is in the picture for a long period of time, it is going to happen...

I disagree with "you are more than just an aunt". How is dad's girlfriend or fiancee is more than aunt? many aunts are there since child's birth and are there for life no matter what happens in adults' relationship.

As about who calls who and what. DD called SM by the first name. Certainly not mom. DD has a mom. I can undestand when mom is never there, but if mom is in the picture why would kids call you mom?

If other kids ask questions, maybe honest answer is that you are her dad's fiancee, and in the future you are her stepmom such and such.

I think the difference is that while an aunt is great and is your family and always there. there is a degree of separation. As an aunt (generally) you're not as involved as a Parent (step or bio) is. ... Its just different. But again, its case by case

Keepit, I went through the name struggle as well... Only mine was the opposite - it was driving me bonkers that A__ kept calling me "Auntie" and I want to just be "Ceph".
We talked about it about a dozen times, and since 8 year olds don't really understand the line between funny and not-funny, he insisted I was his Auntie as a joke. Finally I said "You know, I don't like this joke. I think we need a new joke." "OK. Can it be about shoes in the bathtub?!" "Uh... Sure!" and I haven't heard a peep about it since.

A__ occasionally slips up and calls me Mom, or Grandma, or once, Papa. He's most likely to call me Mom when he's really excited or really p!ssy (like when we're doing something fun, or I am making him brush his teeth and pick up his toys).

I signed his homework sheet last week (his dad was already off to work) and he said "What if my teacher doesn't know who you are when she sees your name?" "That's OK, just tell her that your dad's girlfriend read with you, and helped you with your diorama, so she signed your homework."
I talked to FDH about this that evening, and he said A__'s teacher is used to lots of people signing his homework, and since it was actually DONE, she probably wouldn't care WHO signed it. His theory is "We'll introduce you to his teacher if we ever need to, but she knows A__'s family is unconventional and will take you in stride... And about other parents, do we care what a bunch of fatsos in sweatpants think about us?"

I think Aunt's are very valuable & can be awesome when they can put your kids on their top priority list. But unfortunately, most have children of their own to care for.
That's funny Ceph that he calls you mom when his adrenaline's pumping. He has probably slipped & called his Mom "Ceph". I know when my DH's adrenaline's going he goes through the list of kids names before he gets their name's right "Kay,Ash,Chr, & finally a name.
Good for you doing his hw w/ him. Teacher's really appreciate the help & involvement.

Those fatsos in sweatpants( and those uneducated people that watch sitcoms )just must be some really good,kind people, ya just never know.........

dotz, educated people watch sitcoms too. lol they also wear sweatpants and some are fat. but some are nice people...haha you don't even want to know what WE watched last night..and i did wear sweat pants, I am not fat though...not yet..might get there watching all those sitcoms. so who cares what i think about anything wearing my sweatpants, unless of course you ask me about hunting season, i know all about that...

dotz you make me laugh

Keepit... I am not one to agree with KKNY but here goes...

We all know that talking to teachers is parent responsibility blah blah blah...and it would be lovely if the parents were available whenever the teacher felt the need to relay a message ... I just say ok I'll tell dad here is mom's number you can call her.

But the part I agree with KKNY about is ... what do you want to be called? what are your SD's friends calling other parents... are they saying Mrs. last name or Mrs. first name .. Ms first name... Most of my SC's friends parents go by their first name. But my BC I was Ms. lastname. and their dad was Mr. lastname... just depends what others are called ... my BC had friends whose parents were much older than I was so we used "proper names".

When I was just the GF to my SC I used to tell children who asked I was a friend of SC who are you, I am SD's friend and you are? Kids are smart they can figure it out eventually the nosy kids will ask more. After awhile the kids would say she's my future SM, then evenutally SM there is not the stigma attached to being a SM as there used to be its accepted in society today ... yes you get the old bags who look down on you but too bad for them they will get over it.

I do love the look of "shock" on people's faces when they ask ..Your husband has custody? YES! (still a big stigma attached to that)

Ceph... I agree about the auntie thing I think it has a negative connotation when it comes to being GF... I don't care for it either.

And with the signing of papers ... :) at the first parent teacher conference every year I go and talk with the teachers and tell them I will be a last resort for signing if dad forgets or whatever. I have a secret code worked out with the teachers that in place of my signature I put a green checkmark where it needs to be signed so they know an adult has signed it and seen the homework. So mom does not get pissy ... I will not sign "permission slips" its on them to get a parents signature not my responsibility. :)

I'd rather hear kids calling their fathers' girlfriends & their mothers' boyfriends by their first names than calling them a parental-sounding title.

reminds me of those old movies where the woman's date comes in & the little one, usually in pajamas with feet, pipes up & says, "Is this my new daddy?"

The little guys called me sylvia...
but they called their parents by their first names, too.

I always called my aunts by their first names, ie, Lillie, Pansy, etc, not Aunt Lillie & Aunt Pansy.
& I was close to my aunts.
I loved them.

When kids, or anyone, ask who I am, I say, "I'm sylviatexas, glad to meetcha."

Regardless of relationship, *that's who I am*.

Explaining your relationship, or defining or naming yourself in terms of any relationship, isn't necessary on the schoolyard or most other places;
chances are the child was just curious, just wanted to know who you were, wasn't making a demand that you define or explain your relationship.

(In the same vein of not intending to offend:
Lily Tomlin once developed a whole skit about a woman in a wheelchair when she got a letter from a woman in a wheelchair who said that she once met a small child at an amusement park.

The child kept eying her curiously & finally asked, "Are you a ride?")

Keepitmoving,
its really what your are confee with and what your sd is comfee with. I called my stepmom , mom...she was my mom and still is my mom. My biological mom passed away years ago but that doesn't mean i can't call someone mother..lol..people are wayyyyy to possessive about that title. Mother is a title that fits anyone and mean anyone! who does act like a mother to the child. I know my friend is the biological mother of her 3 kids. BUT she' s loser when it comes to motherhood. Their grandmother and me are more moms than she is. SHe knows it and accepts it as well. She always said she was great at giving birth but after that she just doesn't want to anythign to do with her kids.
My SD calls me by my first name and i'm fine with that. Though when we go out in public and both ask us if she is my daughter we both get very uncomfortable saying no. In fact, i think we both sadden by it. I say no, she's my husbands daughter and give her a smile. A sorry smile and she does feel sorry. She has told her father in the past that she wishes i was her mother. But her mom has made very clear guidelines on that and i'm not going to confuse the kids with details. They will have to deal with it when they are older. I was raised differently and with a different Stepmom too and with a family that SHARED. and was not SELFISh as her biomom
You and your FHD and biomom are on the same page. Do waht is comfee to all of you. And yes talkign to her teachers is not against the rules. Anyone who is involved as a 'mother' and gardian has the RIGHT to speak to her teachers.
Biomoms should back off and stop setting ridiculous boundaries like this. It will bite you in your butts later on with your kids! They will RESENT YOU. for being selfish and jealous and not being nice.

LOL - yes, I'm sure some of the fatsos in sweatpants are very nice. The fact remains that we really don't care who they think I am or what they think of A__'s family structure.
(We wouldn't care what they thought if they were fit and didn't go out in public in their pajamas either, and I'm sure some of them would be very nice too)

I hope not to offend anyone here who might be fat and in sweatpants, but one day, just for fun, hubby and I went to walmart in little rock and sat in the parking lot, counting the number of people who went into the store in sweatpants, over the course of an hour on a Saturday. We had a bet on to see who could guess closest. The total was 231.

Lots of people in sweat pants in public out there. Most of them must be nice.

lol... that is hilarious Kathline... my husband and I joke about the "walmart crowd" (which let me clarify is different than people that just shop there) there are two sides of the crowd the sweatpants wearing shirt not covering their big old gut how in the crap did you walk out the house looking like that crowd and the dressed up looking like they are going to the club or in their ghetto fabulous look... trying to pick someone up usually with several kids in tow crowd... either way it is sadly hilarious.

No i definitely don't want to be called auntie. I just am not sure, so I suppose it needs more thought. The other thing is I don't think SD really grasps the whole concept of coming up with a name just yet. And it only works when everyone does it.

Probably something that we'll focus on closer to the wedding.

I don't understand the concept with coming up with a special name and I'm a grown up!

My soon to be official SD has always just called me "Giggle" and it works just fine. Since SO and I are getting married next month, it has not occured to me that my name or reference to me needs to be changed in any way by SD.

It is what it is and frankly, IMO titles are vastly overrated.

With DSGS, I usually say I'm his "other" grandma and leave it at that. He calls DH and I by our first names, but part of his first couple of years in school living with us was teaching him our names, address, phone number, etc. The first year he called us mom & dad, the second year was grandma & grandpa, since then he calls us by our first names. If he isn't with us, I usually mention that he is DH's grandson.