Unreasonable requests!!

20 years ago

Has anyone dealt with the ex-wife and daughters making the demands that step-mom is not invited to anything but takes the money she has to offer? How did your hubbys deal with this? Did he attend events such as graduations and weddings without you? Did you and he still pay for this things even though you were not invited and not welcomed to attend? I have been involved in my husband's life for almost 11 years, married for 9. The girls have refused to come to our home for the past 5 years but yet they have no problem calling and asking for money and like fools we give it to them. The two boys have no problems with me. They enjoy coming to our home and hanging out, even when Dad is at work. The boys are 18 and 15. The girls are 16, 17, & 20. Any advice?

Thank you!!

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Comments (5)

louisedawn
20 years ago
Dear Marleyjean, I can truely feel for you. The only advise I can give is from personal experience. I have known my DH for 5 years and been married for 1 1/2 years. He has 1 daughter now 23 and 1 son 19 yo. My DH does not get along with the ex-wife. I came into the picture when SD was 18 yo and SS was 14 yo. DH was just finishing up his divorce at that time. The ex-wife and step-kids continuely tried to throw problems into our relationship and plans. The holidays were the hardest and there was always a conflict or problems, which always involved drama and blow-ups. The step-kids ignored me, refused to except any of my invitations to do things with me, etc., however, when it came to money or gifts they always excepted that. The SS is the better of the two and has come around some and is more open to being around me. The SD continues to have problems with me, but I or DH do not really know what the specific problem is. She says she is uncomfortable around me. I have tried everything to be nice, make her comfortable, and nothing works. I finally decided to stop trying and just be me. If she cannot except me it is her loss and I need to just be who I am. However, I do not give out the money or gifts like I use to. I find this has cause the step kids to be a little more considerate of me and they appear to be trying attempting to be a little kinder. I know the ex-wife has alot to do with this. The small comments the stepkids have mentioned their mom has said makes me think she puts some bad thoughts about me and DH to the kids. I would recommend to be yourself and don't just give and give. The 20 yo may come around soon. I believe it has alot to do with the age, daughters are more difficult(daddy/daughter thing), and the ex-wife's input. There is not alot you can do. As I said before on this site it does take two to make a relationship work. I suggest you continue to be respectful and kind to your stepkids, but you don't have to keep giving all the time. The stepkids need to come around and maybe by not always just giving it makes them think alittle, I know it did for my stepkids. My DH never excepted any invitations unless I was included and he always stood by me in front of the stepkids and ex. But we have had our disagreements in private(commuication is the key). He has made me feel respected, included and wants me to be involved in everything. This has helped our relationship remain strong. I know you are in a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, if only the SDs knew what they were missing out on, with having another female adult who cares about them in their life. Maybe they will grow up and realize it someday. Best of luck, Louise
User
20 years ago
Stop handing out money!

Either they respect you as THEIR FATHER'S WIFE or they don't. But as HIS WIFE, you are a part of HIS LIFE and it includes activities his children are in.

If they can't deal with it, too bad.
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christinesrosegarden
20 years ago
Dear Marleyjean:

I would say that your husband should have a talk with his girls and if they cannot come to his home and visit with him and treat you with respect, they should not receive money from him, either. It sounds like they are being manipulative. I, too, am divorced and my daughter would go ask her dad for money and I would tell her that she was not to just go and ask her dad for money, he was her father and that she should go to see him at other times, too. They are hurting their father and I am sure you as well, but he should probably show a little tough love so they can realize that they are hurting him and then maybe they will think about it. My daughter (she is 24 now) and her dad do now have a relationship, more than just money. His GF, though did not want my daughter coming around, but I think even she is having a change of heart as she has been with my ex for about 8 years now. I know saying no to your kids is hard, but maybe he should say no to his girls the next time they come to him for money and perhaps he should let them know that he wants to be more to them as well as you do, too, than just a place for a handout.

Hope this helps a bit.

Christine
organic_maria
20 years ago
Dear Marleyjean,

His daughters are all old enough to work for their money. Do not give any more money and if they do not want to hang around you and their father then so be it. It is their loss and not yours. It sounds to me that you have done alot for these kids and yes being a stepmom is a thankless job but we are not RUGS TO BE STEPPED ON EITHER!. Its a give and take situation and those girls are old enough. Move on with your life and concentrate with your husband. Unfortunately its ugly that your husband had to attend things for his kids without you. Which i think is totally wrong. I've always attending graduation and holy communion with my husband whether the kids liked it or not. My DH stands his ground even with his kids. His son now refuses to see him lately and he's fine with it. It hurts him but its his son decision he said and he'll leave him if that is what he wants. He just picked up his daughter and it will be his son's loss..not ours.
In the end. Hang in there. DO NOT GIVE ANYMORE MONEY NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY TRY TO MANIPULATE AND MAKE YOUR HUBBY AND YOU FEEL GUILTY. Do not give any money period. Take a stand.
It will make you feel less used. Trust me on this. Your hubby must tell his girls they are old enough to work and he has no more money to give them.
sweeby
19 years ago
My SD used to only call her father when she needed money, never any other time. DH was angry and ready to cut her off. I suggested that instead of handing over a check, he invite her to go shopping with us to buy what it was she needed.

She wasn't thrilled, at first, but we used the time to build a relationship.

Unreasonable requests!!

Comments (5)

louisedawn

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