I gave up about keeping up with belongings. If she lost them, she lost them. When DD started working if she lost something she had to buy it herself or live without it.

When X didn't keep up with what he was supposed to be doing couple of times I got very angry and yelled. lol It actually helped with immidiatelly fixing the problem. But on most ocassions i accepted that i have no control.

as about spouses not pulling weight, i hate to sound harsh but I don't stay with people who don't pull their weight for too long. I try to work on relationship explaining what i want from them and asking what they want from me and trying to meet half way but at some point I just move on if it is not happening. My X wasn't pulling weight in regards to emotional health of relationship, I moved on. Can't change people

Why I ask...

A__ (my BF's son) just turned 9 and he's terrible at taking care of himself and his belongings. We're trying to encourage him to take better care of himself and his things...
Examples: He wanted to bring a book to soccer practice last night (Why? I have no idea.) but then he left it in my car and now we won't have him for a couple more days and he has no book. I would have said "No, leave that at Grandma's house because you can't read at practice anyhow" but BF let him bring it and said "OK, but you have to remember to take it back inside when we drop you off".
We were eating breakfast and he got egg on his face (no, I'm being literal, this isn't some euphemism for being embarrassed). We asked him to wash his face. He went to the bathroom, came back out and said "there's no facecloth". We told him where to find one, he wiped a little egg off with the dry washcloth and came back out without even running any water. We said "You have to use warm water on the cloth and the mirror to see when your face is clean. He came back out again with the egg not washed off, but spread in a more dilute way all the way up to his hairline (a slight improvement). At this point, BF accompanied him into the bathroom to coach him on washing egg off his face, but when BF offered help and advice, A__ pitched a fit that he's 9, knows how to wash his own face, and began to cry. BF said "You may be 9, but you're acting 3, and clearly don't know how to wash your own face" and washed it for A__ while A__ screamed and cried.
How could this have been avoided or better dealt with?
(Remember, we only have him one or two nights a week and has three other houses... So "establish a facewashing routine each night before bed" type things are simply out of the question)

My BF's ex has started up the "it's not my fault" game again... She was better about it for awhile, but now she's taking 16 hour shifts all the time and not really making time for A__ (ditching him onto her mom all the time) and says "it's not my fault because my coworkers keep calling in sick" or "my boss said I had to"... Grandma has very few expectations of A__ (to quote BM "She'd let him run around with a hatchet if he was leaving her alone") and doesn't even make him do his homework, so rather than find childcare that A__ would have to behave himself at, she says "It's not my fault that my mom has no rules for him and he's running wild"

BF and I just moved in together (about 6 months earlier than planned) because his home flooded and he wound up moving in with me. At this point, he's pulling his weight around the house, but I'm having to tell him every little thing. This could be because I moved him into my place while he was out of the country, doesn't know where things are yet, and also knows I'm pedant about my home and doesn't want to step on my toes. But if it continues like that, I'll go nuts and "hit him with the lamp" (I still love that quote from a poster a few months ago). I'd like to hear what other people do or have done, in case it becomes a problem.

It's tough to adjust to living together, it's sometimes what makes or breaks the relationship (goes along with first trip together). It's a good time to pay attention to red flags. and communication.

As far as what your BF said to A__. I think it was a little harsh (but I've also said similar things when frustrated). A__ was probably feeling frustrated that he wasn't getting it right and then he doesn't want to feel like a baby, then he is told he's acting like a baby. My SD is also going to be nine in a couple of weeks. She doesn't wash her hair or brush her teeth well. On a couple of occasions, I have stayed in the bathroom with her and instruct her how to do it properly. I told her how to lather it up and that she had to stay under the water long enough to rinse. One of the problems is she was putting shampoo on her head, not lathering, and not rinsing. I think at that age, they are old enough to have to do things for themselves but may need to be instructed. I think your BF did the right thing, but the way he reacted to A__, I might have said, "I know you're a big boy, but we all need help sometimes, even grown ups." Kids need to know that they are never too old to ask for help if they need it.

I don't have any advice about an ex that won't take responsibility. It's frustrating but we can't control anyone else. Yesterday, BM called DH to cancel her weekend with SD. DH checked with me to see if it was okay (seeing if we had any plans that would be affected) and I told him it doesn't matter, we can't make her pick up her daughter. We were both irritated because BM won't call SD and tell her, she doesn't want to hear her daughter crying, so she leaves it to us. DH told her she should call SD but she told him to have SD call her. So, SD tried to call her, but she got her voice mail. We ended up having to tell SD that her mom isn't coming again. Her mom always has an excuse and it's always someone else's fault too.

As for taking care of their things... if it's something that they can't lose (books for school, expensive toys, etc.) the parent should control when and where they take them anywhere. Anything else, it teaches them to take care of it if they lose something and don't get it replaced. The natural consequence of no longer having the item should be enough to get them to take care of things, but I noticed that sometimes, they still don't care. If they have lots of things, they don't care if they lose one. It all depends on the kid. If they lose something of great value or that belongs to someone else, they should have to replace it and work for it. But, I think kids over 5 or 6 are old enough to start learning those skills. By 9 or 10, they should be held responsible. I think parents sometimes baby them too much, including my DH. I'm constantly having to say 'she's 9, that's halfway to 18, she should be able to do that on her own.' He finds it hard to let go because he's so nit picky about how things are done, he'd rather do them himself than have her do it wrong or take too long. He's getting better about it, but if I weren't here, he'd probably still be tying her shoes & brushing her teeth for her.

I think it depends on the child. You can't expect a child with ADD or ADHD to keep track of stuff at the same age as a "typical" child, anymore than you can expect a child with dyslexia to read at a "typical" age.

I agree with TOS on this one. ADD and ADHD kids learn the same things that typical children do, my son is ADHD and even with the medication he just can't learn things like other kids do. He's a very smart child but he either learns things quicker than other children do or he goes at a slower pace because he has to force himself to concentrate long enough to grasp the idea of something. He's a perfectionist too so that compounds what he refers to as his "riddle" which he explains as a problem that goes round and round in his brain until he finally gets it worked out.

Sorry Ceph, hopefully I'll find some more time to reply to your other questions, but for tonight I'm sleepy and I have a coral workshop in the morning. I'll try to post tomorrow.

Ya'll have a good night!