How would you handle this situation?

18 years ago

Hi guys just looking for some input especially cawfe if you have time to respond...

Lately my fiances 2 sons (age 8 and 10) have started to lie about things done/said at fiances house... for example a few weeks ago youngest told mom that dad was telling him that he was the "better parent"...which was not true and when he tried to tell her it was not true she believed 8 year old..when he came to our house admitted it was a lie and said he didn't know why he said it...his brother said he agreed with the lie cuz last time "I got in trouble for sticking up for dad"...so we had a long discussion on the truth..she has the kids 4 days a week we have them 3 every week so they went home and now she is emailing that other son(10) was saying that he was "spying on us" and told her that we were watching "movies even too old for dad" and we were "kissing and stuff"..also not true we don't watch stuff like that and when we do kiss it's always a quick peck...

My question it seems like talking to her about it is useless as she seems to always believe the children so should I respond to this??

Suggestions/advice on why you think the boys are lying and what we can do about it??

Thanks

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Comments (8)

imamommy
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
We were dealing with this when my SD (7 at the time) was going one week here, one week with her mom. Every time she went back, DH got a phone call. I don't know how much of it was 'drilling' her for info or how much was offered by SD. She called to say that my teenage daughter listens to her music too loud and it's inappropriate music (Green Day). She called once to say that I was watching & letting SD watch shows that 'scare' SD and give her nightmares. The show was forensic files and I watched it in the livingroom while SD was in her room playing. She might have heard parts of it, but she certainly didn't sit & watch anything like that. (not that it would be as bad as when her mom let her watch 'lady in the water' and 'jackass 2) but what it comes down to, is telling the children (and the ex) that you can't control what the other does in their home. If you make out in front of them, it's none of her business. What movies or tv shows you watch, or even what your husband allows his kids to see, is HIS business. Unless it affects the child's health or safety, he is the parent during his time and he gets to make those judgment calls. Just as mom makes them when the kids are with her.

I told my step daughter that she can tell her mom whatever she wants. It isn't going to change the way we do things in our house. As for the kids lying, she used to lie all the time about things. Once, she said she was feeling sick. (it wasn't uncommon for her to say she felt sick when she didn't want to do something) so, when my kids were sick, I would put them to bed (to rest) and give them chicken soup. when SD saw we were having enchiladas, she told DH she hates soup. I asked her if she hates chicken soup and she said she hates ALL soup. About a week later, we went out for chinese food. When the won ton soup came, she didn't get any. Later, she took DH aside and complained that she didn't get any soup. He told her, well you said you hate all soups. Then she decided, not anymore. We told her that she needs to stop lying about little things like that. When she does, she will suffer the logical consequence. I don't know what your step sons lie about, but there should be a logical consequence to it. For example, if they say that dad watches or lets them watch bad movies, then when they come over... no movies. Why? Well, you tell your mom we watch bad movies and I can't be sure what you think is bad or what is okay, so we won't watch movies... we'll just mow the grass today.

Kids are going to try to manipulate, it's pretty much expected. They lie and manipulate because they can and they get something out of it. When SD tells her mom something and gets a reaction, then she continues to do that. I'll give a couple of examples. When SD went and told her mom that she can't fix her own meals, her mom decided that she was going to let her make anything she wants at her house. SD ate chocolate/coffee ice cream for breakfast and made herself a tuna sandwich (not draining the oii) and came home sick, throwing up. or she tells her mom something and mom picks up the phone in front of SD and calls DH... she'll yell, rant & rave in front of SD so SD knows what will get a reaction. She used to try it here, but we'd say 'that's nice' and if there was any real concern, DH would call or email BM later, when SD wasn't around. When SD wants us to allow something her mom lets her do, she'll say 'well my mom lets me' and we say, 'that's nice of her. we have different rules and our rules are ____'.

It's taken time and patience and consistency. It also took DH telling BM repeatedly, she can't control our home any more than he can control hers. good luck.
mom2emall
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
From your ss's comment on getting in trouble for sticking up for dad I am lead to believe that the bm is "drilling" the kids about their visits. And then she responds positively when they say something negative about you and dh. My skids BM did the same thing with them last summer. We came to the conclusion that we can not help what the other parent says/does at their home. My skids actually told us how uncomfortable it made them for her to act that way. Your skids probably feel the same way. The only difference is my skids were able to stand up to their bm and not lie because they only see her once a year-she can't continuously yell and punish if she does not like their answers. The bm in your case can make them feel bad all the time about not giving "good" info.

In your situation I would just stress the importance of telling the truth with the kids. Let the kids know it hurts dh and you when they lie to their mom and it causes problems between their mom and you two. Then I would leave it alone. If you tell her the children feel the need to lie she will get defensive and probably yell at them.

As for her e-mails about what you do in your home, I would not even give her the satisfaction of a response. Maybe if you do not engage in her games she will stop them (I know it is easier said than done-I have engaged in quite a few petty things with my skids bm).
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loridarlin
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
First of all Dont and I repeat dont answer her period!!! Save this email and print it out. You will need it trust me. What she does in her home is her buisness what you all do in your home is your buinsess. I know it sucks but you are the girl friend not wife and you are not to reply to this woman AT all. Tell your man to tell her mind her own buisness. The kids are lying to satisfy mom. I know happened with us to! Mom would tell them tell me or I'll whip you or you call there and say this or I will whip you. Be understanding to the kids tell them you know that you cant stop her from doing what she is doing and they should do what they need to to feel safe. This will do a few things. They will see that you are understanding and trust you. They will see her for what she is.
The reason I say dont you reply as she may try to turn this arround on you. And cause you lots of problems.
The reason I say save the email is it is proof of harrasment and if this happens often you will need all the proof you can get.
Welcome to the wonderful world of blended family and silly X's.
kathline
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
We constantly get letters from my the kids stepfather,a ccusing us of all kinds of things. We never respond. He will always take some small comment of the kids, and build a whole imaginary unflattering situation around it. Trying to convince him that he is wrong would justify the stupidity,s o we dont bother. We DO print the emails, or record the phone call, and then document it in a log book with the actual circumstances, so that if its ever raised in a court situation, we can respond then.

Otherwise,we pay no attention to the man behind the curtain....
loridarlin
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Also I agree with the above comments. Kids lie to make other parent happy or to manipulate.
Tell finance to tell her if she is threating those kids or drilling them then he will see to it that counceling is started for those kids as he feels they are being mentally abused. That he thinks it will help them to have some one other than mom and dad to talk to where they can be truthful and honest. If its just to keep her happy.
If they are manipulating do the no movies no soup like above. You can always tell. Know the child well watch expressions pay attention.
At first with SS it was to make mom happy then it became to Maniupulate. It was easy to tell the difference. I told him staight up. I would always be there for him if he needed me but I was not going to be played for a fool. He'd get made over something and BM would call running her mouth always happens on sundays when he goes home. So the next week when he got back he didnt get what ever she made a big deal over. Like playstation. We'd let him take games over moms then she call and say we made him leave such and such games for My son and that it wasnt fair which we never did we could have cared less. So that was the end of him taking any games. Except for the ones they bought HIM and Her. There are no longer allowed here. It was so bad at one point she had them snicking things out of the house. Like my playstation. You should have heard her when I told her I had called the law and told them she was steeling and using the kids to do it. I got my playstation back with in a hour! There are ways to take control over this situation but use common sence and talk to people who know laws and always document everything. I dont care it it is a 10 second phone call.
cawfecup
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
She's looking to pick a fight... instead of her saying all the things the others have said "that's nice" "what happens at dad's stays at dad's" etc. etc.

As far as sticking up for dad ... repeat to them... if mom has an issue/problem with daddy she should call dad and tell him herself she should not be using you guys as a messenger... repeat it until they get it ... when she calls hubby have him tell her ... if you have something to say to me you know how to contact me ... I don't want to hear it from the kids....

They are just doing what they are told hoping to not get in trouble .... but they will try to keep everyone happy ... they know if they stick up for daddy, mommy gets mad so they will not mention happy things they will say only negative things to get a positive response from mommy. "I'm going to tell mommy" ... go ahead ... do you want me to call her for you???

We tried to empower the kids with stuff they could tell mom..... you're mom is an adult she can take care of herself she doesn't need you to worry about her.... parents are supposed to worry about kids not kids worry about parents, tell mom I am just a kid do not talk to me about this stuff call daddy, if you are hearing mommy on the phone talk about stuff you are not supposed to hear tell her mom I am sitting right here... and I am just a kid (this one my SD9 used a few times before mom caught on) mom called me on it ... and I told her ... SD9 worries about you all the time so if you see her sitting there change the subject or walk away from her while you finish your conversation ... they are sponges and soak up everything you say to them... and don't know how to decode it as good or bad.

They cannot deal with their own feelings they don't need to feel what you are feeling.

Give them rebuttals for mom ... they are confused...

Keep a log of everything...

Empower them but take the power away from her .... if they know you are not "scared of mommy" they will soon lose the ability to play that card... Unless mommy is hurting you I don't want to hear about it.

My SC were with mom feb vacation week ... the kids came home I asked how their week was did you do anything fun ... well I went with mommy to get her nails and hair done she looks pretty now... I said I asked how your week was I don't care if mommy got her hair done everyday. I didn't ask how mommys week was I asked how yours was.

Tell them you don't have to lie to make mommy happy if she wants to know what daddy is doing have her call daddy and ask him you are not messengers.
doodleboo
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thats a tuff one. My girls are too young to be this coniving...hahaha. Wow. I will say that one of them does tell "stories" alot. For example: We were watching the wizard of Oz and during the twister screne she goes into this big speal on how when she was a baby her Mama's house got hit by a tornado and the car got sucked up and yadda yadda yadda. It got more far fetched as the story progressed.

Her dad had to explain to her the difference betweens lies ans stories. She has also said things like her Mom's boyfriend chocked her. Believe me, he didn't. If I thought for one minute he did I would of raised all manner of hell and they wouldn't of been allowed back over there untill he was removed from the premises.

They over exagerate. Like if daddy tickles them too ruff he "broke their arm". Maybe dad should talk to his sons (if he hasn't already) about how hurtful and damaging lies kind be. I told my girl that she could get someone in SERIOUS trouble by saying things like she was saying. Maybe your Fiance should have the same talk with his sons.
organic_maria
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree with cawfecup. I had the same problem the first few years i was with my Dh. Ex would drill the kids as to what ishappening over at dad's house and then call him to pick a fight.
Ignore the emails. Do not engage and give no reason for the fight. Keep open communication with your boys and keep telling them if their mom wants to talk, its directly to him and if she has a problem not to go through them. They are kids. Keep them out of the fights as best as you can
But you cannot control biomom. If she cannot see what destruction she is going...then she will pay the price in the long run and even the kids.
Just keep talking to the kids.

How would you handle this situation?

Comments (8)

imamommy

mom2emall

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