Does he work with resource teachers at school or have any extra help at school? I know in my state ADHD is considered a "disability". I worked with kids that sound similar to him. I had a resource teacher who would come in my class and give those students extra help. If they were really struggling with something then the resource teacher could take them in the hall to work one-on-one. We even went as far as shortening homework assignments so they would not feel overwhelmed. They would still do enough to show us they understood the concepts.

It sounds like BM needs to be checking homework and stressing the importance of school as well. Why doesn't she check their homework? Maybe dh could discuss the school issues with her?

Discussing school issues with her is like hitting your head against a brick wall. All she does is get defensive and say things like 'What do you think I dont care about his schooling to?' 'Do you think I dont sit down with him and do his work with him' 'If you sat down with him to do it then why isnt is getting done?' 'Because he told me he was done' 'Then you should have checked it' 'I know how to take care of my kids' ... and then conversation goes bad from there.

He does work with resource teachers at school and is allowed extra time for tests and stuff... that is some of his accomodations with his IEP. And, more so, at the beginning of this year his teacher felt like he should be put on special standards (something I was entirely against) so he always gets easier and less work across the board. His homework is usually minimal and almost the same thing daily read, do a book response, and then varying study spelling words for test, math assignment or science assingment. I have seen bm's version of helping with book response (which should be basically a short essay with paragraphs and proper structure answering one of like 20 questions that they have printed in their agenda with regards to the book that they read)... anyways her version of checking it consists of little more than looking at it to make sure something was done but not that anything was done right. And, honestly I dont know what she does with anything else. According to the kids she doesnt work with them... but who knows for sure.

I mean I have tried reward systems.. I have tried punishment... I have tried talking.. I have tried yelling ... nothing seems to work.

And, I get even more frustrated because for instance last weekend when I had my little break down... The boys were having a friend over to spend the night. I told DH I didnt think friends should be coming over when we are having such a hard time with homework and what not today and this week. He said it wouldnt be fair to punish the other son and the friend and well I gave in and agreed with him. But, it seems to happen more and more lately that there are fewer consequences for his actions in school... because DH is sick of being the bad guy and BM doesnt do anything ... I am still standing here thinking what are you doing we are losing this fight and quickly. I mean I am not entirely sure that punishing him is working but not doing anything seems like a ghastly mistake.

We went through this in third grade with one of my SS Athough he would go a step further and throw out his homework instead of bringing it home.

-- what we did was this:

Teacher had a folder that completed work went in (and any other papers for the day) that we had to sign every night - If he brought it back to school with no signature then he did not get recess and possibly had to stay after class to complete his work she would also call us and we would punish him at home as well.

If he feels like you're all on the same page he'll straighten up.

being on the same page is kind of like chasing a unicorn... useless I dont feel like it will ever exist between dh and his ex.

And, he does have an agenda where homework is written down each day and that we are supposed to sign. I check it everyday that they are with us... but, half the time homework isnt even written down in the book and ss says well, she didnt tell us to. To which, I usually say she doesnt have to tell you everyday you know what you are supposed to do... I dont have to remind you to go to the bathroom or get dressed before you leave the house everday it is just something you are supposed to do. I have noticed that bm isnt even signing the agenda anymore which leads me to believe that she really isnt checking the homework but I really cant be sure.

I don't know... Dh and I want to have another conference with the teacher but I am worried that since it is the fourth nine weeks and FCATs are over that it will do little to no good.

One of my neighbors was a special education teacher, and she used to give me some terrific tips about how to help ADD kids. I'm not a teacher, I needed help to make things easier for the ADD kids in the Sunday School class I taught, and also to help a friend of my daughter's that I kept after school (I helped her with her homework).

There are tips and tricks you can do that help kids with ADD when they're doing their homework. Here are some of them that two teachers gave me:
* If you can, fold the worksheet in half so it doesn't seem so big.
* When they finish half the worksheet, let them take a short break. Not a long, hour break, but let them get up, get some water for a few minutes, then do the second half of the worksheet.
* When talking to ADD kids, it sometimes helps to touch them. When telling a story, I might walk around the room and touch them on the shoulder or something like that.
* When talking to them, let them fiddle with their pencil, etc. That seemed counterintuitive, but it's what she told me to do.

Find an experienced teacher with a heart for ADD kids, and a genuine passion and interest in helping them, and get her advice. Not just any experienced teacher, but one who has a passion for ADD kids.

I wish you the best with your stepson.

I'm not talking same page between Dh and X - I'm talking between DH and teacher - if he knows consequences exist both at school and home for not completing his work and that you will 'know' every time he doesn't it can really help.

Two of my birth sons had this same problem, starting, coincidentally, right about fourth grade.

The first thing that helps is if the amount of homework is strictly limited. Kids put in 7-8 hours at school, including bus time. We dont expect most adults to do an extra hour of work at home at night, so why should we expect kids. A 9 year old boy is doing well if he can manage to get at school work done, and his chores at home. Kids are often seriously work overloaded, and since the boy must travel back and forth between two homes, that only adds to the load.

Its easy to blame BM for this, but I would caution against it. This is not at all an uncommon thing for kids at the age SS is entering; it happens to a lot of kids, and most likely would happen even if the boy were with you full time. Its relatively easy to get younger kids to finish homework. Its much harder with older ones. You are going to need BM's cooperation and understanding of the problem if its going to be fixed, and thats hard to do if you approach it with the mindset that its her fault.

In my opinion, The first thing to do is talk to the teacher about minimizing the homework until you can get this under control.

When a kid doesnt do his homework, or lies about having it done, the consequences should be immediate. The journal at school that must be signed works well, if parents are willing to monitor it. When my sons came home, they had a half hour to decompress, and then I expected them to do their homework. I would check it when they were done, actually reading the assignment to make sure they were being honest. If it wasnt done, then they didnt watch tv, or go to a friend, or do anything until it was done. If it was done, the rest of the night was free for them to do as they pleased.

There were times, when they were so tired,or so wired :), that even though they didnt have it done, they chose to just go to bed and do nothing, rather than finish. I have always found that long term punishment, such as...if its not done you dont get tv for a week, or you dont get to go to the movies with your friend on Saturday, dont work. It has to be an immediate consequence for it to work on a 9 year old. They just arent capable, for the most part, of overcoming the temptation to sluff off now, if the "punishment" is in the future.

It also helps to praise the times when he DOES do the work, or hands something in on time, without focusing so much on the times he doesnt.

Of my kids, one got it pretty quickly. THe other struggled all the way through high school with the same issue. Once he got into his teens, it became less about me policing his work and more about expecting him to do it himself. He had a rough time. But, because we were fair, and because we didnt punish him endlessly, the relationship was not damaged, which unfortunately often happens in situations where punishment is handled badly. We never stopped trying to help him find a way that worked for him, and we didnt project our anger and frustration about it onto him. He did have to stay behind in a few subjects in high school. BUt eventually he figured it out. The relationship with the kid is the most important thing. If you dont give up, and let someone figure it out themselves in a safe way, they will...eventually.

In the meantime, buy a punching bag, hang it in the garage, and take your frustration out on it.

My SD is in the same situation and we are using the same tactics on her. In our house, its working fine. In her BM's it is not. Its joint physical custody, so its going to take a lot longer to fix. BM punishes endlessly, and constantly compares SD to her "perfect student" stepsisters. Bad move. WHen SD is at our house, she usually gets it done and we are understanding about the days she doesnt. When she is at bm, she usually doesnt get it done and her mother wants to pull her hair out.

Good luck, this is one of the worst things about parenting kids through puberty. You can clearly see that the habits they create now will make them who they are as an adult. But they cant see beyond the next half hour. Parenting preteens is an exercise in frustration at times.

I will try to remain calm :-) And I usually do... it is just frustrating when you see the kid failing and it is like it doesnt even phase him.

I don't want to blame the BM. I try to be the calm head in the crowd because there is so much back and forth with Dh and BM that I try to just look at it from the outside and say well it doesnt really matter if you are the only one doing this or that ... someone has to ... and we can't really know they are being completely honest because he just lied to her about us and we know that that is not true. I try to maintain a level head but what irkes me the most is I had just got to a point with him that he was doing very well and we had a pretty good routine. I was excited because I had fought pretty hard to make sure he could be on tech team (which was originally out of the question because of his grades but I felt would be really good for him because it is something he is really good at and I felt like if he had something he was good at in school it would help him socialize more and not dread school so much) And, before I came he was doing very poorly in school and in a terrible school situation.. so I was pretty proud of what he accomplished in the next two years. But, since the change to living at BMs things just get progressively worse and worse with him. I dont know if it is a lack of stability or just him rebelling because he doesnt want to live at his moms or puberty making things more difficult for him but either way it is not positive.

Adhd kids have a hard time with switching back and forth between homes at the best of times. My one son that had the huge struggle also had adhd. He DID eventually find his way, and I know your son will too.

It will be extra hard if BM doesnt acknowledge the problem, or tries to blame you and hubby , or doesnt want to work with you on it. She may be blaming you, as human nature is wont to do. Maybe you could put a pic of bm head on the punching bag, to help with the frustration ( said with tongue firmly in cheek )

We're going through something similar with A__ right now (although less extreme because he's not going to fail his grade)...
Grandma (BM's mom) has him a lot and doesn't make him do his homework. He was with her all week awhile back and didn't do ANY of his homework. The teacher called BM on Saturday morning and I was witness to the conversation between BM and A__ about it. A__'s response was that he knew he'd get in trouble for not doing it, but that he didn't do it anyways and doesn't know why he didn't do it.
He has a very poor concept of consequences... For example, awhile back, he left all his markers at Papa's (BF's dad) out overnight with their lids off and they all dried out. He was mad in the morning that he couldn't use his markers anymore and they asked if he knew they would dry out if he left the caps out. He said yes, and that he knew dried out markers were no good anymore, but didn't put the caps on anyways.
I understand WHY he has trouble with understanding longterm consequences of actions (on a biochemical/neurological level) but I get frustrated with it too.

These ideas are just off the cuff, but I have a few thoughts...
Does he call you guys almost every night that he's at this mom's? If he does, could you ask him to call with a homework update each night to tell you what was assigned and what he did? You could let him know that you'll be doing followups with his teacher a couple times a week and that if he's honest and responsible, he gets a reward next time he's over... but if he's not, he has to do all the missed assignments... Maybe it wouldn't work, or maybe it would be stepping on BM''s toes, but it's an idea.

Since forming a united front with BM is pretty much hopeless, maybe you could try eating a little crow and saying "Since he's with you most of the time now, what would you like to do about a homework routine and such? If you have a plan that we can follow too, maybe he'd be more successful." That was she could feel like it was all her idea and might be better about actually doing it? Or maybe she'd just hold it against you that you guys asked her for an idea and conclude you were incompetent? Or maybe she'd still be a slacker? Who knows...

Is there a chance of putting him into some sort of readiness program during the summer? We have a few programs here for kids who are falling behind in school but their parents have said "We'll work hard to get them up to grade level by August" and enrolled them in a summer school program a few days a week. I'm sure someone will say it's not fair for him to lose his summer, but I say it's better than being in the same grade as your little brother! Would BM object? Can you afford it?

Just a few ideas that may not work out for you.

And just a quick response to something Kathline said: "We dont expect most adults to do an extra hour of work at home at night, so why should we expect kids."

I would argue that we DO expect adults to do an extra hour of work at home every night. Adults are generally the ones who make dinner, do the laundry, pack the lunch bags for tomorrow, etc. If all that isn't at least an hour's worth of work, I don't know what is!

I know you've said that SS has a poor grasp of consequences, but is he aware that if he fails this year he will be in the same grade as his younger brother? Perhaps if you remind him, "You need to do this work today or you will end up in the same grade as your brother, you don't want that, do you? The teacher can't tell you're smart just by looking at you, he/she needs to see your work for that. Grades aren't how smart you are, they are how much work you have covered" it will motivate him and eventually become an ingrained thought.

Studies have shown that homework before high school has little or no positive impact on learning.

Adults may have to do chores after they come home, and they may be boring, but they are rarely intellectually exhausting. Kids, especially kids with ADHD, should be running around, and all kids need downtime. They don't need to be spending time poring over worksheets.

Most of us also expect kids to do chores. Dont you? TOS is correct. Extensive studies have shown that homework, at least before high school age, is not helpful in learning. Kids today are well overpressured. If a child with ADHD is having trouble doing homework, the absolute dumbest thing I can think of is to pile on the homework. That is a set up for failure, and if failure becomes a pattern , it is much harder to change. Its much better to talk to the teacher and really lighten up on the homework load.

I really dont feel like his homework load is that much. The longest part of his homework is the read for 30 minutes, and I usually try to let him have a break between the reading and doing the book response. I have been teaching him to write down important things while he is reading so that he remembers them when he is writing his book response. Which, like I said is answering a question like Did you identify with the main character or What did you like about the book or dislike?.... There is sometimes another worksheet or something and sometimes more over the weekend but then you have the whole weekend to work on it. And, while I dont necessarily think homework always helps... in his case I think homework is necessary because he doesnt pay attention in class or do classwork half the time so he really needs the opportunity to think for himself and make sure he knows the information given him.

And yes, he is aware that his brother will be in the same grade as him if he fails and it upsets him when we talk about it and he doesnt want that to happen. And like I said, he gets really upset and down on himself when he gets bad grades but right up until he actually gets the bad grade ... it is like is doesnt phase him at all. It doesnt encourage him to work harder or even do all the work for that matter...

And, coincidentally enough last night I came home to find out that he didnt do a summary he was supposed to do the night before and apparently the teacher let bm know and that he had spring break to get it done or it would be a zero. Last night we went from him arguing with dad that he didnt have to do it for two weeks... to he did it but he left it at his moms house... to just sitting there doing nothing until I said enough ... put it up go to bed you can start again tomorrow. So, he is at work with me today sitting at the other desk in my office with no distractions trying to get it done. He spent hours and hours reading a six page short story last night. I finally sat down and told him if he didnt make the choice to straighten up and start doing what he was supposed to be doing I would not be signing him up for football and that he was grounded for the rest of the day. I don't know maybe the threat of losing football will work since that is something he really really wants to do.

I do like the line of "your teacher can't tell your smart by looking at you...."

He has been in summer programs through the school in the past and he was in tutoring throughout this year. But, truthfully I did not want to put him into tutoring... they didnt really do that much that was actually helpful in tutoring and I think there is a line between making sure he succeeds and just overloading him and making him burnout. It is not that he doesnt know or understand the stuff (which is what I feel like tutoring is more for) he just doesnt do it. However bm pitched a fit about getting him into tutoring... and then didnt do anything about it so I called up the county and got the paper work and signed him up just to keep the peace. And the summer program was about the same. I did talk to DH last night and regardless I am going to get the homeschooling supplies for the fourth grade (they have some really great computer programs and he loves techy stuff and the computer) and this summer he is going to work with that. It will be like part of his chores get up get dressed clean your room do what ever other chore is yours for that day do an assignment on computer ... go play and do your thing. That way we know he at least has a back up to make sure that he is getting what he needs to get out of fourth grade. Other than that I am not sure what to do. I am not even sure that I should have thrown the football threat out there but last year he really made an effort knowing his grades had to be up to get into football... So, I am hoping something will click for him.

"Studies have shown that homework before high school has little or no positive impact on learning."

This may be true, but it does have a positive impact in learning HOW to do homework. I can't imagine going into high school and being assigned a term paper and never having written a report before, then what? Isn't that part of what homework is supposed to teach students? Isn't it meant to teach them how to do those things... or is it more beneficial for the high school teacher to have to explain to their students that have never done any homework in the past, how to do homework and write reports, how to research and look things up. I'm not a teacher or anything but I kinda think that's just common sense. Unless you think the high school teachers have enough time for that.

Wow, theotherside you surprise me. Let's see, when I said my step daughter's mom was pulling her out of school early, you said 'no big deal, missing school at that age is not harmful, they don't learn anything at that age anyways." (at grade 3) Now, you say "homework before high school has no impact on learning" (well, I assume you agree with whomever said it since you say it here) but then you think education is so darn important that college is a MUST. Not just that, it MATTERS WHAT college...etc. Well, which is it??? Is education only important in high school and college?? and prior to that it's not so important... well, everything before that is to prepare them for that... DUH!!!

Is you SS ADD/ADHD? I don't see where you have said that, yet many posted about ADD or ADHD kids. I'm a little confused there.

My SD started out 3rd grade with somewhat the same attitude, she didn't care. She's get in trouble at school or didn't get her work done (she'd fill in blanks with words but they were random, she didn't think anyone would read it?) Last year in second grade, we found out that BM was doing some of her work for her. Since she wanted to be in tae kwon do with her mom, she had to get good grades at school (the tae kwon do school's required to see her report card) so when SD got stumped on her work, her mom did it for her. Then, SD didn't know the concept at all when she started third grade. I had to go buy 1st & 2nd grade level books and work with her every night to get caught up. Again, she didn't care until there were consequences. (we also took a vacation where she thought she could get away with blowing off her homework, but I took the homework and on Saturday morning, I stayed behind with her and we worked on her homework until it was done, while her dad & my daughter went riding (ATV's). She was angry at me but I told her 'work before play'. It took a few times like that for her to realize that we were not going to let it go like her mom did. We were not going to do her homework so she could go have fun. In your SS's situation, he get's something out of not doing his homework. Maybe it's attention, even if it's negative. There are little or no consequences, especially at mom's. I went as far as telling SD that I would go sit in her class, but I know not many parents can do that. I agree with Sieryn that you need to be on the same page as teacher. It would be nice to get on the same page as BM but you can't do anything about that. I would call the teacher every few days, and if his work isn't done, he gets to have a boring weekend.

Granted, it's easier with only one child but I wouldn't have let the friend come over. Your DH didn't want the other child to be punished... hmm I had two boys and I know how hard it is to want to let it go so the other one isn't being 'punished'. But, it's worse to let the other one off the hook. My kids are grown and now, this year my younger son has gotten an attitude of 'I can do what I want' since he turned 18. (his older brother had the same attitude at 18, but is now 21) Well, the younger brother broke a rule (he paused the TV on the big screen & it burned the image onto the screen) and I took away his television priviledges for two weeks. I disconnected the satellite to the main TV (big screen) and the older brother couldn't watch tv either. When the older brother protested, I told him 'thank your brother for it, he doesn't want to follow the rules. Which one of you want to buy a new TV when this one is ruined? I know he can't.' So, big brother got upset with little brother and little brother hasn't done it again. There is a certain amount of 'peer pressure' with siblings and it's not always fair to punish the innocent one, but it's not the end of the world if there is a lesson involved. (Now, I guarantee big brother won't pause the big screen either although the younger one did it, I think intentionally because my husband told him not to).

Is it fair?... life isn't fair. It's easy when you have only one. When the six kids were small and something got broken, we'd round them up. If the guilty party didn't confess or the group wouldn't turn him/her in, then the group was 'punished' as a whole. Otherwise, they'd all protect one another and nobody would ever get in trouble for anything. Once they learn they can get away with that, you are screwed.

Education is important. Busywork is not education, and the vast majority of homework at the elementary school level is worksheets and other busywork.

High school is an appropriate time to teach kids how to do research and write reports. Elementary school kids can't really grasp concepts like the importance of citations and avoiding plagarism, nor do they really understand the difference between Internet sources and electronic database sources (actually a lot of high school students don't either).

mom of 4 -

I was in your exact position for many years - raised ss since he was 5 - he is now 16, thru the years had the exact same problem with ss. Funny thing was I seemed to be the only one worrying about it. Nearly gave myself an ulcer. I literally sat up nights worrying about ss future and what would become of him...and what good did that do? I now suspect DH married me for the sole purpose of needing someone to raise his child...

I guess my point is - your SS father should be the one doing all this - not you - take a step back...breath...disengage...take care of yourself

The child's father should be handling this one. My Dh's son pulled the exact same crap with him. According to his son, he never had homework but the Ds and Fs on his report card with the remarks of missing and incomplete homework told a different story. DH put his kid on meds but the kid wouldn't take them so DH finally stopped getting them for him. Even on meds, it didn't help. Some kids just don't care and there isn't a force on this earth that will make them care to do their work unless you find their carrot.....you know, the carrot that is dangled in front of a donkey to make it pull a cart.

Your husband and his son's teacher need to work together to find SS's "carrot" and then hold him accountable for what he does and doesn't do.

You husband might also want to reconsider the homework your child's teacher is sending home as well. If your SS has a good teacher, then the homework s/he's sending home isn't busywork. It's meant to help the students master a concept or a skill so that s/he can further assess the students' mastery so s/he can either move on or reteach a concept/skill. That includes any type of report writing at his grade level as well since that is when students are being taught how to develop outlines and write informational reports. High school teachers are no longer teaching those skills to their students. They expect that the elementary teachers have already taught students how to write an outline and report.

Mom4

This is for you and I do not want comments from peanut gallery....

But when you are frustrated with him over homework... tell him you give up ... tell him why you want him to succeed and why it is important but if he doesn't care neither will you ... he can stay back the rest of his life ... and you won't care and put your efforts into the younger ones ... soon he will realize you mean business...

I went through this with my 12 yr old SS was a battle every night for homework no matter if he had one page or 10 was a battle I hate homework I hate school my teacher hates me blah blah blah.... I wont' use math or science as an adult... etc. etc.

I made him do yard work in the middle of winter I gave him extra chores dig holes fill em back in .... doing bull work for low pay that's what you get when you don't have an education .... nothing work it was always a battle ... I got more and more frustrated with him

Asked what he wanted to be when he grew up because he said he would never need math as an adult ... I gave a zillion examples of how we use math everyday never mind on his chosen career... director... how many rolls of film blah blah blah...

When you have to stay after for not doing homework don't call me for a ride home... find your own way call your parents see how fast they get to you....

He is a very smart kid ... in elementary school he could skate by without doing homework but in middle school counts for 25% of your grade ... had all D's in 6th grade because of homework.... lost out on a trip to florida because of it .... used math and stressed if you get 100 on every test if you don't do your homework you will only get a 75 ... fail one test you fail that class for the year.

It took about 6 months of me ignoring his homework issues for him to get it. Any questions ask dad call mom not me. If you don't care about school I don't want to hear any issues with school ...

When I gave up .... he began to care.... he lost the interaction with me doing homework with him, helping him, sitting on the comp, going to the library, I cut all school ties with him... Now he comes home from school sits down and does his work asks me when he needs help ...he is in 7th grade ... :)