In my opinion, the CP should encourage and allow contact, but not force it. I would draw the line at making statements like "of course your other parent loves you" or making excuses for the other parent. I wouldn't say anything negative, even if there is a lot of true negative things to say because doing that isn't going to make the child feel better about their situation. They want both parents to be there and to love them and it hurts when one (or both) isn't.

When my SD was not being nice to me (ignoring me), my DH told her 'honey, SM loves you very much' and this was at a time when we hadn't really built a relationship where SD would believe that I loved her. Truth is, I wasn't feeling love toward her, I was trying to build a relationship and she knew he was BSing her. I told him that he can't tell her that, it has to come from me when the timing is right and she'll know that I mean it. So, telling a child that the other parent feels something they aren't showing is not going to make the child feel secure, so don't lose your credibility by doing that.

When my kids were growing up, they would ask about their dad's from time to time. Why is my dad gone? and all I could tell them is 'I don't know'. The only thing I could say for sure about my daughter's father is that he wasn't ready to be a father when I had her (and I didn't tell her that until she was about 15-16 and he was starting to contact her and didn't know if she should give him a chance, I told her that we 'adults' make mistakes and we're not perfect and she'd have to give him a chance if she wanted to find out if he deserved it.) I don't know if there is really any way for a CP to 'foster' a relationship between the NCP and child, other than to not say negative things (and encouraging them to have a relationship) & allowing as much contact as possible, but sometimes that may end up causing the child more pain, inflicted by the NCP. It really is up to the NCP to form their own relationship with their child.

If the child has been hurt in the past and is currently rejecting the NCP (who may have changed or is trying to do better), the CP should be supportive and encourage forgiveness. It can't be demanded by anyone, you can't make someone else feel a certain way, but it's important to teach that people make mistakes and sometimes deserve a second chance. If the NCP doesn't change, then there isn't anything you or the child can do about it. Over the years, i have given my mom so many chances to change how she treats people, but she chooses to or just is the way she is. As an adult, I have accepted that and have forgiven her but choose not to have a 'close' relationship with her.

I think it's important to remember that none of this ends when the child is a certain age, the parent-child relationship goes on forever (until one dies) and it affects children for the rest of their lives in their adult relationships and in how they relate to their own children later on.

In the short term, I think it's an easy solution to support a child's decision to not have contact with their other parent (it might make things easier for us) but it doesn't make it easier for the child in the long term.

I never interfered with DD's relationship with her dad, as about fostering I am not sure. i do not think it is CP's obligation to foster anything. It is both parents' obligation to do their best to stay in children's lives, do not intrfer and do not speak negativelly of each other, but fostering... It is not my responsibility to make sure X interacts with DD as it is not his responsibility to make her interact with me. CP or NCP makes no difference.

I agree with finedreams. Both parents need to foster their own relationships with their child/children. It should not be on one parent making sure that the child has a good relationship with both parents!

I think even in a house with both bioparents each parent has to do their part to have a good relationship with their child.

As for my sd's relationship with her bm, my dh and I are stepping back from it. If sd wants to see her mom or talk to her mome then great, if not well we are not forcing the issue. That is for her bm to do!

The below link deals with a CP who deliberately withheld/obstructed visitation with the NCP. The title of it is "Child's Preferences Do Not Override Court-Ordered Visitation." The circumstances may not apply but the bottom line seems to be that the CP must honor the ordered visitation plan regardless of the child's want.

http://www.jenner.com/files/tbl_s20Publications%5CRelatedDocumentsPDFs1252%5C1499%5CFamilyLawClientAdvisory.pdf

Lone,

It shouldn't be a question of a CP has the responsibility to send the child to the NCP's for visitation, phone calls or any other CO contact. Even if it's not court ordered, the CP should allow and not interfere with contact, even if the (small) child is screaming & crying they don't want to go, they have to go. Usually, kids will calm down once they are with the other parent and it's more common for kids to behave that way when they feel stress from the situation. (ie. If mom seems upset they are leaving, they may cry that they don't want to leave mom) or vice versa, I'm not picking on mom's. My son used to cry that he didn't want to go with his dad and in retrospect, he was feeding off of my feelings that I didn't want him to go either. Unless there is abuse and the court have stepped in, the NCP has the right to see their children, even if the children don't seem to want to go. However, the courts are less likely to do anything when it's a teenager because it's harder to force a teenager to visit a parent because they can be rebellious in nature. But, the CP should always encourage contact & a relationship. and the issue of 'fostering' a relationship, it really is up to each person (mom, dad, step parent) to foster/nurture their own relationship with the child.

Ima, don't get me wrong, I agree with Helpwiththis' statement "If sd wants to see her mom or talk to her mome then great, if not well we are not forcing the issue. That is for her bm to do!" I also agree with your statement of "it really is up to each person (mom, dad, step parent) to foster/nurture their own relationship with the child."

The article was for discussion purposes only. My husband and I let my teenage stepdaughters make their own choices, however, they must clearly communicate it to their mother if they decide not to participate in their visitation with her. If their mother is opposed, then she is free to communicate that to her children and insist (as parents occasionally do!!!) that the children will do as she says. I found the article both thought provoking and somewhat unnerving...

if a child is screaming and yelling refusing to go the other parent, i would be extremelly alarmed. I would not force my child until I know what exactly is going on. many children, who are abused, molested or otherwise mistreated, would not tell why they don't want to go (sometimes being threatened), but would show with their behavior such as screaming etc It might be a cry for help. normally children who are treated appropriatelly are happy to see the other parent. i cannot imagine my child screaming or yelling at any age, and i know for sure if all of a sudden she would start such refusal I would be very very alarmed.
as about being upset that kids go to the other parent..usually it means that you get a break. lol that's always nice.

Lone, i wasn't sure what your stance on the article was but I'm glad you put the link. I was just sharing my experience and not commenting on anyone else's views.

In fact, I only mentioned anything because I had gone through that when my son was four. He cried and didn't want to go. and yes, I was alarmed and after it happened a couple of times, I was reluctant to let him go. His dad brought the police and they told me I had to let him go. They came back about fifteen minutes after the exchange to reassure me that my son had calmed down and seemed happy. I'm not suggesting that kids never make up their own mind to not want to spend time with the NCP, especially when the NCP repeatedly hurts or disappoints the child, as is probably the case with some of the situations, because the relationship between the NCP and child is failing due to the lacking on the NCP's part. But, it's hard to prove that it's a CP that 'poisons' the child, as it seems the mother in the article is doing. (and the father seemed to have some fault too). I found it interesting as well and it just reminded me of the situation with my son.

What strikes me when I hear or read the accusations in custody battles and some of the things being said about the other parent in the interest of 'winning', such as abuse, molest or mistreatment of the child is that one parent would think that the other parent would harm their own child, just because they hate each other or did them wrong. It would take a deviant person to harm a child, especially their own child, out of hatred for the child's other parent and it's hard to imagine that the person that one chose to love and have a relationship with & had a child with, could then decide that since the relationship ended, now this person is a danger to their child. I'm sure there are situations where there was domestic violence, but unless the violence was directed at the children, the courts don't always see that as a reason to intervene in visitation. (in cases where the parents never lived together or were never married, then maybe they had the child before they knew the other parent well enough to judge they would be a good parent, but the assumption should always be that the other parent loves his/her child as much as you do, until they behave in a way that defies that theory) Obviously, if there are signs of abuse that can be substantiated, then the courts will get involved with supervised or no visitation orders, but it's not up to the CP to unilaterally decide that and that is what the appellate court seems to be saying. Thanks for sharing that article.

Lone,
"It shouldn't be a question of a CP has the responsibility to send the child to the NCP's for visitation, phone calls or any other CO contact. Even if it's not court ordered, the CP should allow and not interfere with contact, even if the (small) child is screaming & crying they don't want to go, they have to go."

Ima, I do think we're pretty much on the same side of the fence, we're just using different verbiage. I do think the CP ought to allow visitation even if it is not court ordered (barring no abuse) or give more time if the NCP is willing. This is aiding the NCP/child relationship.

In addition, the CP holds a lot of power of how the child feels about the NCP and in return how the child feels about the relationship.

"the CP holds a lot of power of how the child feels about the NCP and in return how the child feels about the relationship."

I completely agree, but I think it can also go both ways. When DH got emergency custody of my SD we had to have a police escort because BM wouldn't release SD. She clung to her arm (SD was 5) screaming that we were stealing her baby, telling SD that she would never see mommy again, etc. She had taken SD out of school once she got served (we were enroute to pick her up but she was closer) as disapeared for 5 hours with her. I have only a small idea of what was said during that time, but I still get questions about it to this day. In fact, only months ago SD asked why we lied to the judge . . . not accusitory, just questioning.
So . . . I think both parents have a lot of influence over their child. If only they would use it for good rather than (evil) the world would be a much easier place.

In regards to fostering, I think it is both parent's responsibility to foster not only their own relationship with their child but the other parent's as well. This does not mean create a relationship, but positively influence whatever relationship they have.

A simple example: rather than saying "well, your mom isn't coming AGAIN this weekend. Maybe she'll show up next weekend" it is just as easy to say "I'm sorry your mom can't make it and I understand if you are upset. She said she will try again next weekend. I hope she can make it." One tears down that relationship and promotes negativity, the other supports it without making promises for that other parent.

Words are tricky . . .

nicely said martha, it's all in the wording.

there are alot of weirdos out there who wouldn't think twice about hurting their own children just to get back at their Xs. sick