Sylvia,

I realize SMs love "sweatheart" wills , but they can easily result in the children of the second to die getting everything and the children of the first to die (usually the man) getting nothing.

I do agree, wills are important.

I am sorry for your loss

Thanks, kkny.

People often do benefit in inequitable proportion, & none of us can make anyone else "do what's right".

That's why I said "whatever you want to happen to your estate".

Even at that, even if you do your best to make sure your will describes exactly what you want, once you're gone, your survivors/executors/heirs/etc often can do things you never intended, just by outliving you.

& that happens in every kind of "family", not just step:
my father wanted each one of his children to have a place to live in case things got bad, but my mother sold everything!

That's why, on the "New Baby" thread, I strongly urged parents to take out good life insurance on their children's other parent, & to make sure that they have control of the policy:

The custodial parent should be the owner of the policy, the beneficiary of the policy, & the one paying the premiums.

Even if your decree says that ex is responsible for premiums, get him (I say "him" because that's usually the NCP) to put the money in your hand & you pay it to the insurance company.

Life is a roller coaster, the stock market could crash, people can be treacherous, & insurance is cheap.

"...just had "sweetheart" wills made with her husband (he leaves it all to her & she leaves it all to him).
Their attorney mentioned how good it was that they were doing that, since the husband had grown children by a previous marriage."

I agree with kkny (and many of you have probably read my lengthy thoughts on these estate matters in other threads)... Just something to bear in mind is that the attorney in this case could be especially glad for the "sweetheart" will since he/she could very well profit off this estate 4 ways (at least):

-attorney's fees for drawing up initial "sweetheart wills"
-attorney's fees for changing SM's will as soon as DH passes in whatever way benefits SM and her bio kids
-attorney's fees for representing SM when DH's kids from previous marriage go after her in court...
-...a contest which attorney would know from experience is unlikely for SM to be the loser on; hence, no $ lost and everything to gain

-and this isn't even counting a 5th possible way of profiting: collecting executors' fees for offering to be a "neutral party".

All this is pretty tempting to an attorney, I'd say... perhaps more than considering the needs of the family and the preservation of goodwill, like, on its own principle...

Not saying this happens in ALL cases or that EVERY lawyer and/or SM in this scenario would be so greedy. Just that it happens plenty, and any decent attorney SHOULD know this. (Heck, anyone who follows celebrity gossip ---or who can't avoid it even if they wanted to--- would know this.) If the attorney doesn't inform his/her client of this possibility, it indicates that they may be seeking to profit from the classically loaded tinderbox that this often is. BE CAREFUL. I would be sure to seek at least one other opinion, from someone with legal knowledge whom you can REALLY trust.

My X is responsible about money and has so much insurance on each of us (all payable to DD) that I am half afraid to let her know how much.

sorry for the confusion about what my post was attempting to convey.

just to clarify:

I don't know the details of my friend's & her husband's lives:

don't know how old the children were when the couple married,
how his divorce decree reads/
how community property from 1st marriage was divided/
how much support he paid/
who paid for children's schooling/etc.

don't know how much money his ex makes,
how much money he makes,
how much money friend makes.

don't know how much money each one brought to the marriage.
don't know if his children are nice or not.

That's their story, & the decision to make sweetheart wills was theirs.

I cited their experience to illustrate the point I needed to make to my brother.

My brother has sacrificed everything for his children,
his wife has sacrificed a great deal for/on behalf of/because of my brother's children,
& his children have tried to bleed my brother dry.

Given the chance, they'd bleed my sister-in-law dry & take from her the home that she & my brother managed to buy & hang on to in spite of their demands.

I wouldn't like anyone's children to be slighted in favor of a 2nd spouse, just as I wouldn't like anyone to lose her home because her spouse wouldn't face his own mortality & do the right thing & make responsible will.

so my point here is....

make your will,
make your spouse make a will,
do your best to get your ex to make a will.

& realize that wills can be changed & that you can't make anyone do the right thing.

Don't count on the ex or the ex's new spouse or even your kids/his kids/their kids to do the right thing.

Make a will if you don't want the state deciding who gets what...& buy life insurance.

i have nothing, life insurance that will go to my daughter obviously, but it is a small insurance, I have nothing else to leave. i expect nothing from my parents, and if they want to leave anything to anybody I really don't care. It would be nice if they just enjoy their old age, travelling and spending their hard earned money. My parents worked very hard and helped me a lot in life, so i would want them to spend everything they have on whatever they want while they are still alive which hopefully will be for a very long time.

FD, my widowed mom made sacrificies for all her kids, so I help out now, while she can spend it, and my work policy is made out ot her.

Sylvia is so right. My father passed away about three years ago, and one of the many good deeds he did during his lifetime was to organize his financial affairs prior to his death. It made things so much easier for the survivors and is an act we remember with deep gratitude. One thing in particular was helpful, and that was going through his old papers and throwing out papers that looked like they might be important but actually weren't --accounts that had been closed, life insurance policies that were no longer in effect, so many odds and ends.

But today - much to my own relief - I spent the afternoon in a lawyer's office doing exactly that -- for my husband and me and for my mother who has terminal cancer. I will be the executor of her estate, and we went over many different possibilities with the attorney. What would happen if:

- her mother (my 100+ y.o. grandmother) goes first, in which case my mother would inherit (though probably not receive due to timing issues) a substantial amount;
- my brother, sister or I go first (parent's share put into trust for grandchildren);
- if the default secondary beneficiaries on one or more of her accounts are something different than what she wants (I will have POA to change beneficiaries, with fiduciary duty to siblings);
- end of life issues - refusing or removing feeding tubes and hydration (copy of Medical POA to siblings so they see her written wishes).

And after we wrapped up Mom's work, we started in on my husband's and my estate. Between us we have two adult kids (his), one soon-to-be-in-college (mine), and one young child with a disability (ours). We're also writing sweetheart wills with specific provisions for our individual children with the understanding that the bulk of our assets need to be available to the surviving spouse and our joint disabled child. Our state's default provisions could also force me to sell our home, which we can't let happen.

It was actually a bit of a relief to have all the papers drawn up and signed -- though the point about if being very hard for men turned out to be very, very true. It was like pulling teeth to get Hubby to stipulate a cash amount that he wanted to leave his two children. At least my son's college fund is (and always has been) a separate account.

Folks - take the time to get this done.
You just never know...