I loved my FIL very much. When he passed away, I think I probably took it the hardest. He was so much fun, he was good to me and loved teaching me new things. My MIL? Well, uh, let's just say that if she didn't live with us, I might just like her...a little bit. Maybe. When DH and I got together, she informed me that her son didn't deserve me, my experience or my boys. That hit me to the bone. I have never and never will forgive her for that. Now, she lives with us. She doesn't have to pay a single dime for anything, other than her medication, which she gets most of at a discount. We pay the car payment, the insurance, we put the roof over her head, we feed her, we pay for the laundry items, the power, water, etc. Everything, we pay for. How does she re-pay us? She sits at her computer all day long, playing games. She never showers. She never wears her dentures. She is nasty. Hints don't work. Out and out telling her doesn't work. So I have given up. She wonders why I won't let her cook anything that I plan on eating. I won't eat a single thing that she may have touched. She sleeps with her dog and her now cat (he was mine, but she has taken him over) and always has hair all over her. She smokes and smells like the bottom of an ashtray, because she doesn't shower. The smell is in her clothes...her bed...her carpet. I won't let her leave her bedroom door open because then my house would stink. She puts her dog's food right on the carpet, so there is an oily stain in the carpet. I can go on and on...but I think you have the idea.

Pennylane-- I don't want to be guilty of encouraging you to flout the advice of your counselor (who is a professional, and I of course am not), but I would encourage you to discuss with him the idea of you dealing with SD directly when it comes to the more vague issues of "attitude" and "respect". With appropriate assertiveness (not passiveness or aggressiveness) and without meting out "punishments" per se, but more of a *discussion* with her. Run it by him and see if he might reconsider his advice somewhat. I say this, again, not because I am in a position to have an "expert" opinion on blended families, but because I am a stepdaughter, and one common thread among other stepchildren I know is that the SP/SK relationship is made so much worse when it is perceived that one or more parties is being "manipulative" or is untrustworthy, and this perception results from an INDIRECT approach. Whether it's the SK or the SP doing it, it spells the beginning of the end for a decent relationship. You don't want to risk creating an impression to your SD that you are two-faced, passive-aggressive or are "hiding behind" your DH and expecting him to fix all of your interpersonal problems (including the one with SD) for you. Aside from eroding trust and encouraging similarly indirect behavior on SD's part, I dare say it also undermines the very thing you seek to improve in the situation: her respect for you. I can honestly say that the number one factor that has made me fully give up on having any sense of respect for my SM or any desire to "work with her" is exactly this sort of thing. If she had had the guts to actually TELL ME if/when something I did/said/was upset her, instead of resorting to the little digs (with a big grin) she felt were her only permitted recourse to express her displeasure with me, I would have seen her as not only a person worth respecting but also as an honest human being who I'd WANT to be close to. It was very hard for me to see her as a fully-formed ADULT WOMAN when she was constantly "tattling" to my Dad about whatever her grievances were. Moreover, in her case she drastically distorted the things she relayed to him which painted me in the worst possible light, and since these things were never discussed with ME directly, I had no chance to explain (or in certain cases just plain CORRECT) some of the misperceptions, so it was pretty much impossible to see her as trustworthy or as an agent of anything other than discord in my relationship with my father. Therefore, she never earned my genuine respect, nor my desire to "work with her" even though her tantrums to MY DAD made it so I was terrified for years to do or say anything to upset the apple cart. So she got her surface compliance out of my stuffing myself for years, but it certainly didn't improve ---and in fact severely worsened--- anything deeper between us than the shallowest "hi, how's it going"/"oh, fine..." And I dare say I don't think it helped her relationship with my Dad. For several reasons, but one of them being that expecting him to "fix" something that is so inherently vague and emotional and open to perception as "attitude" and "respect" is pretty much impossible, and no one knows this more than the bio-parent in the middle. It's one thing to have clear rules/consequences for clear actions or infractions. For example, an eye-roll is clear enough to be called out ***IF HE SEES IT HAPPEN***... But the problem comes in when/if it happens when he is not around, due to the underlying distrust and disrespect which will be made no better by the "hiding behind DH" approach. Please at least run this by your counselor. I'm not a professional, but I did experience this from the other side, and I think if you ask other adult SK's on here they'll agree with me.

I am wondering how old all of you are? just curious..I have two step sisters we are all in our early 30's. About 10 years ago my step dad had a retirement party where the younger step sister got very very drunk and made a scene. Our parents were gone. She was saying this like you and your mom are two peas in a pod..your mom likes you better than us and on and on and on. My mom had a conversation with her shortly after and she told my mom that it bothers her that we talk about our careers (since at the time she didnt have one)..The older step sister and I have never been really close because she is very snoody apearing but, now I realize very insecure. Their mother died when they were teenagers. Fast forward 10 years...she got married last year and asked me to stand up in her wedding. I was not really sure why she was asking me we were not close but, I did not tell her no because she is a very nice person. About 7 months ago I started dating their best friend and we are still together. Since we started seeing each other she now has to tells everyone at every family function how they are the favorite. Mind you we are in our 30 our parents in their 50's and my mom and step could care less about the favorite garbage. I find the whole thing so silly and it shows her insecurity. I have to wonder if it is because my mom is the only mom she has had since her mom died? Anyway, my point that I am trying to make is I think that there is always some competition with families. I know alot of families that have it among sibilings. I do not have this with my bio brother. If your step is the way you say she is..than you are not the only one to know this.. As I said I have 2 sisters. The older one plays these games with her younger sister. My younger sister will rant and rave about her sister. My response??? Why do you let her bother you? Why does your step keep this up? Because she can sense it is bothering you.. Forget about her girlfriend...Once you stop letting it bother you she will get bored... My step will call my mom, step dad and step sister and get them all going.. She never calls me...WHY?? because their is NO reaction here to the nonsense... Just try it for a little while. You will hold the ball in your court you just dont know it. I know you would rather smack her in the head lol...believe me I have been there...a smack is 2.3 seconds from start to finish. Not letting her bother you anymore...PRICELESS!! ok that didnt make sense but, it sounded familar. Please let us know what happens. good luck

There are a few plants that could do well in your space. Japanese Painted Ferns are unique and don’t get very large. There are varieties of Heuchera including "Plum Pudding" and "Palace Purple" that might work well. Other options include Hostas, Brunnera, Dwarf Hydrangeas, and Fragrant Sarcococca. Visit Monrovia.com, copy/paste the names of each plant in the search bar, and you'll see pictures of each of them. Would love to see which ones you end up choosing. Good luck!