I once went to a funeral where somebody's teen-aged daughter wore a black cocktail dress; I'm guessing she knew black was appropriate & respectful, & it was the only black dress she had, & she was doing her best. I once went to a funeral where the pallbearers, the teen-aged great-nephews of the deceased, wore starched white shirts, ties, & their best starched jeans, & I know it was because their great-aunt, knowing the family budget, requested it. I've been to several wintertime funerals & graveside services where the elderly ladies wore pantsuits & tennis shoes & warm hats, & I know they were showing their respects even though they must have been freezing & could have begged off on the basis of age & fragility. I was touched at all these people, doing their best even if it wasn't the customary attire. but I can't think of any excuse for ripped jeans, tee shirts with logos, or baseball caps. If I were a family member, I might be offended enough to ask the funeral director to not let them in.

flowergal, You're welcome--actually that is nice to hear given that it is seldom expressed. I associate the word "insist" with feelings of "entitlement" and I don't respond well to anyone who insists or who feels entitled. As other's have pointed out I also wouldn't feel obligated to pay for a 2nd wedding. An option would be an anniversary event and small reception, but demanding a second wedding a year later sounds quite self-indulgent to me as well. She can insist all she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to placate her requests, especially if it seems unreasonable. I probably would wait to communicate with her until the dust settles; otherwise you may have regrets in trying to communicate hurt feelings. I also can understand how you could feel given that it sounds like communication was poor. I think you do matter, but she may not appreciate you and she could very well be taking you for granted, which is a different issue. And sadly, people often do take us for granted when we offer consistent emotional support. "I believe that the bond I have worked on my whole life between My Daughter and I is not there..." I understand how you could feel this way given the situation. Feeling taken for granted and not appreciated is hurtful and destructive. I understand that you do not love her any less, but you did/do need someone to talk to about it. Well, I wish you the best of luck with this and I'm glad if I was able to offer some support.

It took your follow-up comment and reading back and forth a couple times to see what you were saying. At first it looked like you were saying spare me the friends that said they couldn't afford it and I was going WTH?? Can't be! And wasn't. Weddings. What more can I say about them. Opulence on par with the reality of a "reality show". The cost of a dress is silly. Tradition used to be that the groomsmen were expected to pick up the tab for the groom's tux. And instead of the bridesmaids buying the bride's dress, they buy dresses that'll never be worn in public again! Nowadays, it's rent 7 tuxes and the groom gets his for "free". Yeah, right, "free"! Give me a freakin break. And in exchange for this the groom gives each tux renter a keyring or some other useless, yet overpriced trinket that'll never be used. Maybe instead of spending $25 or $50 on each of the keyrings he could pay for his own tux! There was the other thread about how much to give. It occurred to me that maybe it should be based on how fiscally responsible the people are. If they have a wedding where the wedding party can wear attire that can be used again, kick in a bit more since they suggest they will be more responsible. If they go for the limos, ugly dresses & tuxes, can they handle my money? Maybe they should get less. LOL

Sorry I haven't replied, but I decided to take my kids to my sister's for a few days, to get away from my stepson and even my husband. My stepson has been trying to get a job at the place my almost 14 yr old works at part time, making $5 an hour. Well, they hired him today. So he thinks his ticket has come. He only has to work 8am until 1pm, 5 times a week. This way he can say he has a job, he can sleep until 7:30am, gets out of walking the dog in the morning and still has the rest of the day to play on his laptop, because the place he works is literally 5 minutes away. I told my husband this isn't acceptable. With the $200 my husband is going to start making his son pay per month, that means stepson will be making $300 a month. How is he supposed to get a car, gas and insurance, not to mention, saving up to get his own place? I finally said what I've wanted to say for months...that stepson needs to go back home. Although my husband knows it's true, he just can't commit to saying "yes, he is going back". He said his ex is calling their son on the weekend (they haven't spoken since he moved here, which is weird all on its own). I explained that she doesn't want him back, so she's going to say how proud she is he got a job and say how horrible we are for wanting him to leave. I just really hope my husband doesn't back down, because if he does, he really will end up losing me, and to some extent, his other kids. Thanks everyone for your advice, opinions and support.