Our DD got married 4 years ago. She lived on the west coast with her fiance and we lived on the east coast. When she approached me about the wedding they wanted to have, I was secretly disappointed, as it wasnt the wedding we envisioned for her. The wedding was a two day affair on an island on the west coast. No church, no fancy reception, or even the traditional wedding dress, it was more like a campground party, however it was their vision and they were very happy. It turned out very well, weather was great, guests had a great time, DD and her DH were ecstatic,,,,that is what was important.

Parallels with the decorating world....a pristinely decorated showplace that says nothing about who lives there vs. a homey, less sterile place that tells you all about who the owners are.

Same in house design...some houses are so self-important (I'm great and don't you think so too!)...some houses are more humble and welcoming (come on in and set a spell.)

I think your niece will really appreciate not only all the efforts by so many who will help pull the wedding together, but also of the time she was able to spend with everyone in the planning process as well as on the wedding day. It will truly be a wedding like no other.

Reminds me of our stay in St. Lucia which was apparently a destination wedding place for many people from the UK. The first couple we saw being posed on the palm tree on the beach was lovely and looked so special. By the end of our stay there, we were bored with yet another wedding party...sometimes 3 different weddings per day... being posed in the same way on the same tree on the same beach....

Our oldest dd got married 3 yrs ago This month. Our youngest dd is getting married in April. They have the same budget (from us).

Both weddings in our Catholic Church and pretty similar. The receptions are completely different just like the girls. The first one was simple, under a tent, absolutely no bling, with fabulous food and drink at a local venue.

The second will be in a convention center, more bling, larger guest list, and much different. Groom comes from an extrememly large family.

This one will be easier on me as this venue does everything and the first one I had to do everything..rent tent, tables, chairs, decorate, etc.

As long as they are happy and within budget it's all good. Each reflects their personalities.

I have had a couple of things that this dd wants to do that I am not crazy about that I thought about bringing up here. Ie: doing pictures before the wedding. The photographer calls it "First Look". Hmmm.

If the wedding was late in the day...perhaps. But, the wedding is at 2:00pm.

I just don't want to start this day out at 6:00 in the morning.

At last dds wedding I got home at 3:00 am. Out of town guests came for breakfast at 9:00am the next morning.

Some random thoughts on the subject:

In some cultures, a wedding isn't just about the nuptials, but is also an occasion for socializing and entertaining the business acquaintances of the parents as well as family and friends.

Just because a family can afford to have and wants to have a wedding planner and a more formal affair, I don't think one should assume that the wedding is any less personal to the bride. She still probably made the choices that you see.

If I were lucky enough to have my wedding pictures taken on the beach at St. Lucia, I would be ecstatic. I wouldn't care that two other brides had the same pictures taken there that day. With seven billion people on the planet, I would still be in a pretty lucky minority.

DH and I had a cheapo wedding because we both had low-paying jobs at the time and paid for everything ourselves. Bridesmaids wore Laura Ashley cotton floral dresses. My dress came from Lord & Taylor in the regular dress dept. (it was off-white). Wedding was at the oldest church in continuous use in the US, non-denominational, very quaint -- friends did readings and nieces and nephews rang the church bell afterward. Reception was at an attractive Sons of Italy hall. We did splurge on a band, and for our honeymoon in Bermuda. Everything was semi casual and meaningful and we had so much positive feedback from guests. And I am quite sure we spent half of what most of our peers spent on their weddings. Almost 25 years later (!) I wouldn't change a thing about our wedding. Except maybe the weather. It was lousy!

My DD's friend planned a spontaneous wedding at a waterfall. Just the parents & sibs, my DD & her DH who were the attendants, and the officiant.

Another had a tie dye BBQ on the beach with about 50 people.

A third had a 3 day extravaganza culminating at a vineyard, but had started out with a river cruise, a growler night and then the wedding. 300 people at that event. All 3 weddings within a month! She said the sweetest one was the beach wedding because it really reflected that couple. She hated the 3 day event-felt it was definitely the couple trying to out do others.

Recently I saw a very cute, modern romantic comedy movie called "What If," starring Daniel Radcliffe. My DD and her boyfriend and I went together. In one scene, after the initial toasts, a couple at their engagement party announced they hated planning and long engagements so they'd brought along the person who was going to marry them, had the licenses and proceeded to get married right then and there.

I thought it was a brilliant idea, and afterwards at dinner DD and BF both volunteered that they thought it was a great idea as well. It's def something to consider!

Ellendi, it sounds like your DD got a dose of how to look at things that really matter to her personally when it comes to weddings! Really, I'm sure both weddings were lovely, but somehow the more simpler and intimate one which involved friends and family in the activities and planning made more of an impact.

I think each wedding reflects the couple no matter how outlandish or generic. Obviously (in most cases) they are choosing the location, colors, decorations, food, etc. I find things I like and don't like at each wedding, including my DS's last year.

Kswl, that actually happened to a GW member. It happened at a casual dinner and he bride and groom were in jeans. The GW member was upset but even more when it became apparent that the groom's side helped with the planning.
It was upsetting to not have her relatives there.

I think she understood that the bride was very shy and planning a wedding was just too overwhelming.

It really is true that the wedding should be about the choices of the bride and groom.

I am wondering what you thought was "interesting" about your daughter's comments? She sounds to me like a young woman with an excellent head on her shoulders. Today "weddings" mean so little. So many began their lives together years ago so the "wedding" is only an excuse for a blow out party where the couple are the center of attention. I don't personally see the worth when you remember the insane amount of money they are blowing on ONE party. I pray daily my children are more concerned about the relationship and its future than they ever do about all the trappings of these parties. Once they are all out of college we will see what our finances would allow and if needed a specific dollar amount will be offered. After reading through this thread it occurs to me I should put one string attached to the money--the ceremony needs to be held in a Christian church, hopefully Roman Catholic. My love is unconditional, my money is not.

Interesting, ellendi! I can understand though why the mom might be upset if the groom's family was present and "her" side was not. Although that might have been indicative of the bride's feelings or lack thereof for her own relatives.

In an engagement party setting where all of the attendees would be attending the wedding also, I think it a strike of genius to go ahead and get married right then. But we come from a part of the country where large engagement parties are very common, often more festive than the wedding itself and certainly far less stress for everyone concerned.

The best wedding I attended was a surprise to all of the guests. We thought we were attending a holiday party. The host and hostess (not married) started to give what we thought was a toast but instead announced that they had all their family and friends together including a judge (also a guest) and that they were going to get married..right then and there. Best wedding ever!

We got married at our house in our living room, my DH's brother married us and I wore a white dress I had bought and worn for my high school graduation. The entire thing cost us under $5K and the main cost was hiring a crepe maker, which people still talk about. There were around 30 people there. Our dogs attended and for some reason, they both howled when we exchanged our vows.

The next day, we had a picnic in my in-laws back yard for those who didn't get to come to the wedding. They paid for that, and it was just BBQ foods and stuff. It cost maybe a few hundred dollars.

We could have afforded to do whatever we wanted for our wedding. I did not/ do not see the point in a big affair. We had fun and everyone else did to (or so we were told).

This post was edited by beaglesdoitbetter on Tue, Sep 16, 14 at 13:26

36 years ago we had a beautiful home wedding for 100 and the grand total bill was $800. Wore grandmas 1911 dress. One auntie made the invitations, another was the photographer, cousins made the cake, sisters best friend did the flowers and mom catered the food from a local group of women who usually fed the homeless.
Best $800 ever spent and it did the job quite nicely. Told our daughter we'd double the budget for her wedding. She is most fine with that.

My biggest beef with brides and weddings is how unabashedly narcissistic they are. I cringe at the website with a gazillion photos and inane (sorry!) details of how they met. At the magnets, save the dates, and thank you's, all emblazoned with their likenesses. The "victory dance" as they enter the reception hall ... not to sound a million, but how about a demure, elegant bride. And why does every.and.i.mean.every bride feel they should pose like this:

Here is a link that might be useful: Funny article about NYT weddings

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Sep 22, 14 at 20:25

Speaking of cheap weddings...DH and i had a spontaneous affair, too. We`d already been living together for 9 years when wr decided to pull the plug. $45 for the license. $15 for flowers (we got farmers bunches and made bouquets and boutineers) and a $50 tip to the judge. Borrowed a gorgeous green silk dress and my stepson brought his boombox to play Roberta Flack. In-laws and a few friends joined us and we all went out for pizza and took the kids to the State Fair to celebrate joining as one family. Total cost was less than eloping in Vegas!

" The military-bridal-industrial complex can do that! "

I am so stealing that phrase, mtn!

DH and I eloped, on Valentine's Day, but we took 20 or so good friends along with us ;-) Almost 34 years later I would not go back and change a thing.

I still remember GFs wedding in a small church followed by champagne, coffee and wedding cake reception on the church grounds. I made the dress I wore as maid of honor, her aunt made her wedding gown. Definitely low cost, but it was very nice and they're still married...that's what counts!

Very very funny and true mtn.
Mystery solved. Now I know why my wedding just didn't make the cut; only 9 points. If I'd married the other guy I would have been at 52 points and an obvious shoe in. You think the $800 budget would have been a factor too?

I have a friend who works for a local wedding planner, and she recently told me that they won't even consider taking a bride-to-be as a client if her budget is not at least $50k. I was in shock, and asked her to repeat the figure. I find this sickening, even if you have the means. Maybe it's because of something my mom said to me 30 years ago when we were planning DH's and my wedding-a wedding is first and foremost a religious ceremony, it is not a show. I still believe that, even though I know many people don't.

Texarkana, when I was married you could not take pictures or video of the ceremony itself, because as a religious service and sacrament it was not allowed. That fell by the wayside some 20 years ago, I suppose all the Episcopal brides threatened to go Roman and that rule was changed so videos could be made.

KSWL, Now they spend more time photographing and videotaping the event then the event itself, and commonly blow a big hole right through the day, having guests fend for themselves for 3 or 4 hours between ceremony and reception while they have their "close up, Mr. DeMille".

It's ridiculous, isn't it? I attended a wedding a few years ago and at least two hours elapsed between the ceremony and the start of the reception. I almost left! The whole affair was so stagey and unreal.....the couple even faked a leaving scene for the photographer, who was ready to wrap it up before the reception was over. The B&G went out and got in their car and drove away into the parking lot with people throwing stuff and shouting and clapping, all for the video, and then they parked and came back into the reception. This one example underscores the essentially artificial nature of many of these events.

That article was pretty funny.

You're right about the hiatus between wedding and reception....the wedding I made the veil for would've meant over 4 hours of driving for us that day with a 4 hour layover in between wedding and reception.

I remember one wedding I went to over 40 years ago where the photographer was such a buttinsky that the band had finished singing the usual "the bride cuts the cake..." and threw in an extra verse of "the photographer cuts the cake!"

"...the usual 'the bride cuts the cake"...? Have not heard that one.

Kswl, you're lucky if you never heard the song. It's sung to the tune of The Farmer in the Dell. Yeah, it's bad. I'm sure others enjoy the cheesy tradition of it but I think it's cringeworthy. Just cut the cake and serve me a piece! The only things worse are forcing single ladies to participate in the tossing of the bouquet and if they do the garter thing. Those are really awful. But a beloved tradition by many people.

My brother's FIL was a minister. He always said too much thought and planning goes into the wedding and not the marriage.

Speaking about the hiatus between wedding and reception.....this one happened totally inadvertantly!

In September 1976 my brother got married at the chapel on the campus of Notre Dame. SIL was from South Bend area and always wanted to marry there. They booked it a year in advance for a late afternoon wedding followed by a dinner reception at a banquet hall. Well, a week or so before the wedding, SIL gets a call.....they cannot get married because a scheduled away football game got switched and was now a home game. PANIC! They told her the only option was to get married at 10 am. So....the wedding took place at 10 am....then the bridal party and anyone else who was interested went home, changed clothes. We then went to a park and played frisbee then to McDonald's for lunch. At 5 we all changed back into our wedding attire and went to the reception.

One of the sweetest weddings I ever witnessed was of total strangers. We were in Old Town Alexandria, Virginia one summer day. Old Town is very quaint and charming and the courthouse is in the middle and as I recall has a pretty courtyard in front with a fountain, etc.. We were milling about when we saw a bridal party come out of the courthouse....about 15-20 people. She had a very pretty short white dress, groom was in a suit. We watched as pictures were taken by the fountain...no photographer...just friends and family taking pictures. When they were done, they all went to a cute little ice cream shop across the street and everyone got big cones then spilled back out onto the street and strolled around eating their cones, laughing and carrying on as they meandered, I assume, back to their cars.

One wedding I'd like to have seen was by a fellow I met once whose avocation was costuming. He and his bride got married in Williamsburg VA in period costumes...He showed me some pictures and did fabulous work. I never knew there were costumers like there are quilters and knitters....it was really something!

"The military-bridal-industrial complex can do that! " Definitely stealing this one too, Mtn! Since I work in the defense 'Military-industrial complex' I can't resist. That article is hilarious.

DH and I had a simple wedding at our church. I work a pale pink silk dress and he wore a suit. Our kids were attendants (they were teens by the time we married). Our friends made most of the food at the reception except for the wedding cake. We had about 60 family and friends and had an absolutely wonderful time.

A friend said that his father told him that he was very upset that he (father) was not invited to his son's wedding. Son explained that he and his live in girlfriend were in South Korea, where son worked for a Korean government agency. The area is a beauty spot, and a television crew was there to film a traditional Korean wedding, so his agency asked him and his girlfriend to act as bride and groom for the cameras. After the ceremony, they were told that the ceremony wasn't a fake, as they had assumed, but that they were married for real. That's the only time I have heard where the surprise wedding was a surprise to the bride and groom. And that's why his father wasn't invited.
P.S. They're still married.

Two of my sisters and one brother were married before me. All had formal weddings with 250-325 guests, many attendants, large reception with live band. And, each of them was stressed out to the max for months before their wedding. Each couple was exhausted so much for the actual event that what stood out In their minds afterwards was that their feet were killing them, their heads hurt, they felt guilty because they never got a chance to talk with even half their guests, and that despite the big, expensive, fancy, much agonized-over catered dinner, they never got to eat that much themselves. I can only imagine the costs of each!
Several years later when DH & I were planning our own wedding, I remembered all of that. We invited about 80 close family and friends for an intimate wedding at a church on the lake followed by a reception at a country club on a golf course. The room looked out onto snow covered pine trees. So peaceful and beautiful. Our pianist played Cole Porter music while everyone mingled, ate and enjoyed themselves. We enjoyed it all so much ourselves. Our guests, the music, the food and each other . . . and, my feet and head didn't hurt at all. For us, it was the perfect wedding day. I only hope that our children will enjoy theirs someday as much as we did.
Lynn

This post was edited by lynninnewmexico on Wed, Sep 17, 14 at 21:17

I am ok with all of it... AS LONG AS THEY HANDWRITE PERSONAL THANK YOU NOTES!

I was engaged when I was 23 and while planning The wedding, I realized that was not what I wanted to do (have a wedding or a marriage). My parents bought me my first condo instead. I am very happy with my choice.

When I decided to get married 35 years later, we drove down the highway to a Justice of the Peace. Again, I am very happy with my choice.

I was just talking to my 27 year old daughter about weddings. She has a friend who has gone into debt being a bridesmaid and maid of honor. My daughter told me that when she gets married she doesn't even want attendants at all. In fact she doesn't even care if she walks down the aisle. She just imagines that she and the groom will spend about 5 minutes taking their vows and then have a great party.

I loved my wedding. We had about 120 guests at a beautiful place in Chicago called Cafe Brauer that had special connections for me and my (late) DH. It was beautiful but not over the top because we paid for all of it. We felt (and I still feel) that if someone is mature enough to get married, they should be mature enough to pay for it. We saved, we negotiated, we skipped things we didn't want to pay for. A friend played DJ as his gift to us and we loved it. My mom and sister and I made all the table flower arrangements out of silk flowers that my mom bought at a bargain place. It was beautiful and we practiced skills that would help us later, like saving, negotiating and doing without.

A woman I worked with got married about a week after I did. Her wealthy dad paid for an over-the-top, lobster and crab legs affair. Her flowers cost nearly what my wedding did (about $20k all in, 21 years ago.) They were divorced less than a year later. She had been completely focused on the wedding and not at all on the marriage.

I have a couple of rules for my kids when they think about getting married (they're only teens, but we have talked about it anyway):
- They shouldn't get engaged until they and their intended have paid off all credit card debt (if they have any.) If you're serious about starting a life together, do so without being in the hole. If the new purchases are more important than the relationship... just don't go there.
- They need to bring their intended camping. The person doesn't have to love it, but if they don't pitch in and they make a big fuss about not getting a shower or whatever, then they're too high maintenance!

I've always loved going to weddings, but never really wanted one of my own. First marriage, which I don't even really count, was at the courthouse. For my 2nd wedding, DH and I eloped, but it was very special and memorable for both of us. We headed over to the west coast of FL, and from there went to a small key that is only accessible by boat. We arranged in advance with the boat captain to be picked up at sunset to be married. He was a local fisherman and he was very excited to be hosting his first wedding. We set out with at sunset with the captain and 2 of his best friends. One was a notary and the other took pictures with our camera. They were all wonderful! DH wore a suit and tie; I wore a long flowy skirt and blouse and carried a small bouquet. The weather was perfect and the captain took us to a very beautiful spot for the "wedding" and then we followed with a champage toast and sunset cruise. We all returned to the bar at the small inn on the island and had another champagne toast with everyone there (guess there isn't much to do on the small island, so everyone was so happy to join in). We finished with a seafood dinner at the inn's restaurant and a moonlight walk around the island.

This post was edited by peacamp on Thu, Sep 18, 14 at 11:18

I like how this thread has turned into everyone sharing stories about their own weddings.
Here's mine: I was almost 30 and my husband was 36 when we got married. It didn't occur to either of us to ask our parents to help pay for our wedding. We had a very small wedding with family and friends at a restaurant that had a view of the New York skyline and was on the water.
The only thing I would have changed is to be have had more people. I never wanted a very large wedding but my husband really didn't want to wedding at all so a small wedding was a compromise. But I still feel I could've talked him into inviting more people.

We got married alone on the beach and had a big, casual party under a tent when we returned at a family member's old farmhouse. A lot of my friends were getting married at the time and all seemed stressed out to the max! Weddings in our area in the early 90s were still all about lots of glitz and glamour, big hair, big crowds, big food. Ugh. I hated the whole thing. I planned events back then, too (although never weddings), so for me it was kind of like the painter not wanting to paint his own house. I had no desire to plan another big event. With fake crystals. And with people I didn't know. When we announced we'd be flying off to Caribbean to exchange vows, family and friends initially wanted to join us, but coordinating the destination details was turning into the very thing I wanted to avoid in the first place, so we decided to go on our own.

No regrets, only wonderful memories. It was a beautiful, simple, romantic ceremony in our bare feet and we celebrated with friends and family following our weddingmoon. Just our style. To be honest, what I had envisioned for my wedding was a small, afternoon garden ceremony followed immediately by an hour-long reception of passed Champagne, fancy finger sandwiches and petit fours with a single live musician. But I was young and dumb and kept listening to others about why a proper meal must be served, etc. (blah blah blah) So we turned that vision into our reality in a tropical garden setting on the beach for just the two of us.

I can pump out some over the top functions, but I prefer quiet and simple for myself. And not a lot of pomp and attention.

I hope our kids choose something similarly casual. I like that outdoor venues and mason jars and hand painted signs and burlap -- although now overdone a la Pinterest -- have brought casual back into vogue.

I am an officiant/minister. I have officiated at weddings with 200+ people, and a wedding with 10 people. The one with 10 people is still on my mind, 4 years later. it was personalized (although, I do this with larger weddings too), and the couple had planned out a major part of the ceremony, honoring all of the attendees, and a recently deceased grandparent. They hand crafted the cards with the tributes, and presented the card to each person after reading the tribute. They also had a table with photos of other family members. The wedding was held in a park, overlooking two rivers and the Atlantic Ocean.

Another memorable one was on the beach, the bride was too emotional to write or say her vows, the groom wrote his, and everyone was in tears at the end. Then, the tide started coming in faster than expected, and we raced to finish!

Having 3 DD's makes for a lot of variety, #1 had her's in Balboa Park which is in San Diego. It was the very last wedding to be held before the renovations of the historic buildings would start. #2 had a beautiful hotel venue in SD, and #3 on a yatch cruising around Newport Beach. Of the 3, DD #1 was the least expensive as well as the most beautiful.

I've always thought if I were planning a wedding for myself, it would be in a garden. Guess that's why I favored my older DD's.

Ooh wedding stories are fun. It's nice to read them all.
Thanks for sharing everybody.

I was just thinking the same thing, mtn. I have enjoyed reading them too and and am taking notes on behalf of my DD who might have a second marriage in her future soon.

I was the last of 3 siblings to marry. My younger sister married first to her college sweetheart a month after graduating. She had a nice wedding at her alma mater (which is also my father's alma mater), not extravagant, but nicely done. My brother had a simple affair in the church hall. Mine was probably the fanciest of the three, but still not extravagant. Funny though, my mother during the initial stages said, "You know, if you prefer to elope, we'll give you the money we would have spent on your wedding to put toward down payment on a house." She was half-kidding. I would have considered it, however, dh was the first of five siblings to marry in his family. HIs mother was DYING for this day. To top it off, dh is a grad of the U.S. Naval Academy which has an absolutely beautiful chapel that MIL was so hoping her son would marry in one day. Fortunately for MIL, her son ended up meeting a local girl (I grew up near the Naval Academy) though we didn't meet until after we'd both graduated college. As the old tradition was that you marry the home area of the female, this worked out well for him - the church I grew up attending was a modern 70s church that I had no love for, so I was open to the idea of marrying at the Academy chapel. I figured it was probably a good idea to start my relationship off with MIL on a bright note and not disappoint her by going off and eloping! I say that in jest, b/c my father loves a party, so if I had taken my mother's offer seriously, I'm sure my father wouldn't have been happy either. So we ended up marrying at the chapel and let me tell you, it has an incredibly long center aisle that is very daunting for a somewhat shy person to have to walk while everyone is watching closely! One of my fondest moments of the ceremony was when dh and I left the altar to give flowers to our mothers and the priest stepped on my veil as I walked away, tearing my veil off my head. There was a gasp in the crowd but I laughed it off and everyone then had a good chuckle. Our reception was limited to 150 (thankfully!) b/c we had chosen a location on the water that could only seat 150. I was totally okay with that as I'd have preferred smaller - we had four guest lists, dh's, mine, my parents, and MIL/FIL. Of the four, mine had the fewest! And considering that dh's family was coming from the West Coast, and his friends were scattered all over the country and world (many in Navy), it was surprising we had so many people. But it was a good size - my parents only invited friends of theirs that I knew (they were hosting the reception). It could have been smaller and fine, but I wouldn't have wanted it any larger. And we were blessed with beautiful weather despite being in July in the typically hot/humid weather of the mid-Atlantic. I wanted to marry in September but dh was teaching at the Academy at that point, so if we wanted to go on a honeymoon, we needed to marry in the summer. I couldn't believe it when I woke up that Saturday morning to a breezy, sunny day with temps in the 70s and no humidity (just two days prior, dh's West Coast friends arrived and played a round of golf in the hot, humid 90s and asked how he could stand to live here!).

Chicagoans, funny you suggest camping. A week after dh and I got engaged, we bought a car on the West Coast and spent the next 3 weeks driving across country to see the U.S as we were moving back to the East Coast at that point. We are not campers, but spent many a night pitching a tent to save money. We hiked 10 miles down into Havasu Canyon (part of the Grand Canyon) only to hike back out the next morning after sleeping in a tent next to the Colorado River. One of the hardest things I've ever done! We were not experienced hikers either. Another night was at a campground alongside a rural highway somewhere on the outskirts of Badlands National Park in South Dakota, with 18 wheelers buzzing by all night. LOL And we still wanted to marry each other when we arrived on the East Coast, so maybe there is some truth in your observation! We are still happily married 18 years later.

But as far as weddings go, I will encourage my kids to have a non-extravagant wedding. I'd love for them to have a party/celebration if they choose rather than elope but not the bridezilla freak shows that have become weddings of today. You can still have a nice reception w/o going into debt or throwing away money on frivolous things.