I would explain to the daughter who is getting married my concerns about attending. She must think one of 3 things...1)there will be no trouble, this is her day and she wants everybody she loves to be there and has expressed this to her mother and sister and they have promised to behave. 2)she cares about you and her father enough to want you and her father at the reception no matter how the conflict will take away from her or 3)she has invited you thinking that it was the right thing to do and she may think that you won't attend anyway. Give her a call and see what she thinks. Would you have a problem allowing her father to attend the reception without going with him?

I would be weary about this. Recptions people often get drunk amd sometimes make a scene. Already bad feelings could easily esculate when intoxicated.

I like Raek's advice. You want to do everything you can do maintain a good relationship with the bride, while protecting your own safety from her evil twin and not doing anything that could trigger a wedding disaster. If possible, I would suggest you go, but have a 'quick exit' plan ready, and arrange for another relative (or even a hired security guard - plain-clothes maybe?) to keep an eye on 'evil twin' and be there to control her if things start to go bad.

I've got to admit I'm curious about her therapist warning you. Their confidentiality restrictions are very stringent, so he must have had some real concerns for your safety to have warned you.

raek - Thanks for responding. I haven't talked with her but did express my concern to my husband. He's concerned too. He said she did talk to her Mom who said everything would be OK. What she doesn't know is that just over a year ago we had harrassing calls when my husband was visiting his daughters and the only people who knew he was out of town was them. They were recorded so he heard them. I have no problem with him going alone and really think my NOT being there is the best insurance that the day would center around his daughter and her new husband.

sweeby - IF I go, big IF, a quick exit plan is a great idea. The therapist said the same thing regarding confidentiality. She was concerned because the daughter had friends driving her to my house and they would watch me walk my dog.

coolmama - You are so right. I've been to several like that. One of my best friends had her ex at their daughter's wedding and it ended in a fight. It was so sad. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous. That friend had it fairly well together, I thought.

I'm feeling sick thinking about it.

"my NOT being there is the best insurance that the day would center around his daughter and her new husband."

That's undoubtedly right, plus it's better to err on the side of caution.

Stay away, stay safe.

RSVP your regrets.

Be safe.

How sad that the stepdaughter who loves you can't have you at her wedding because her mother and sister can't be trusted. I don't blame you for wanting to stay away. It's clear that it is both for your sake and for your stepdaughter's. It makes me sad to think there are people out there who are so self centered that they can't just put their irrational feelings aside for the sake of the sister/daughter they love. I hope she has a beautiful wedding at that all goes well for her reguardless of what you decide.

A wedding I was at a few months ago got totally out of control because of alcohol. Made me realize for myself,that I will attend weddings,but leave the receptions out from now on.

Maybe if you just keep your distance you will be fine,and like sweeby said,have a quick exit plan.

The stepdaughter's *therapist* warned the poster about the stepdaughter.

That brings to my mind images, not of drunken screaming matches, but of guns & knives & police cars & coroners.

I used to have a cocaine-using (violent, with mood changes within the blink of an eye) neighbor who became enraged at the very sight of me.

A cop friend told me that it had nothing to do with me, maybe I looked like an old girlfriend who rejected him or his sister who spanked his hiney when he was little.

But I learned, very quickly, to *never* drive down his street & to not make eye contact if I happened to pass him in the car.

One day my dog escaped from the back yard, & this guy ran over him & killed him.

As I was kneeling by my dog, the neighbor got out of his truck & said in a very apologetic way, "Aw, I didn't see him, I couldn't help it...Oh. Is he dead?"

When I looked up, the neighbor's face changed, & he became belligerant. He said, "I couldn't help it! The #$^&&% dog attacked my truck!"

So I stood up, looking at the ground, & walked slowly & "submissively" into my house & locked the door.
& waited an hour before I went back outside to bury my dog.

Dangerous people are dangerous.

Putting yourself in their presence is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Stay away.

Stay safe.

It's Sunday and the reception is tonight and I'm not there. My husband and I decided on Thursday that there wasn't a really good reason for me to be there and too many reasons for me NOT to be there. So he told his daughter we were having trouble finding someone to take care of our horses and I would probably have to stay home. Turns out that was a good decision. She said it was maybe best because her Aunt was stirring things up by saying that if her father had any respect for her mother "we" would not show up. That's a new wrinkle. My husband was hoping for an ice storm to cancel the flight because he really didn't want to go either with that kind of hostility brewing. Isn't this supposed to be about the kids and not about the adults? When can adults learn to put themselves aside for a few hours just for the sake of their children? They loved each other once to have these children and now they seem to hate each other more than they love their children. It's not enough that they divorced because they couldn't get along and the children are in this situation. The drama has to continue. Maybe when you have kids divorce shouldn't be an option. Might make people think twice, maybe three times even. I'll let you know how the party goes for my husband.

Sounds like it's for the best, and I share your disappointment in the so-called 'adults'...

When my niece got married, she was escorted down the aisle by BOTH her father and her stepfather, both of whom behaved like perfect gentlemen the entire time. It was such a beautiful sight --

sweeby, your niece was a blessed lady. Don't you find that in general women can be more irritated by the whole "step" situation than men? Women have such a sense of "ownership" of their children where men can be much more sharing and even detached at times.

Whew! It's over! Husband called today and said all went well. His daughter had asked him before the reception about having pictures taken with her and her mother and he told her he would rather not do that since they weren't married any more. She understood. When he arrived at the reception his ex-wife came up to him and offered her hand and said "Thanks for coming". He said he almost laughed because it sounded like it was her party. But I told him that was a nice gesture and really set the tone so that people wouldn't have to hold their breath anticipating fireworks. My last words to him before he caught his plane were to take the high road in any situation and to NOT follow their Jerry Springer drama.

Pictures were fine. Mom with daughter/s. Dad with daughter/s. Mom and Dad with daughter/s and extended family such as grandmother, aunts/uncles. The aunt that had been stirring things up before the reception was pushing for a picture of Mom/Dad/Daughters until the bride's twin sister told her to "back off". She later told her Dad that she was sure the aunt would be made at her for that. My husband was very surprised.

He saw friends that he hadn't seen in the 17 years since the separation. It was a nice time for him and he's glad it's over too.

Thanks to everyone here who helped me think this through and offered support and advice. You're a great group and I'm glad you are here. Maybe something in this thread will help someone else googling "stepchild wedding" which is how I found you.

Best to all!!