If he was married to the child's mother when the son was born, he IS legally his son. If the boy went through the first 9 years of his life believing him to be his father, and vice versa, then they are parent and child, and nothing is going to change that. His older son deserves his money and time and effort just as much as does his younger one, and it is wrong to try to interfere with that.

chastity-wow, there is so much going on here.....
I do feel for you---no doubt I would have a very hard time with this---when you lay it out:
a) he's not your child
b) there are unpleasant intanglements attached to him (obviously a disturbed BM, former GF, stress of continued financial obligation, etc)
c) turns out he's not your DH's child either!

You would be frustrated, insulted on your husbands behalf when you think about the BM taking advantage of him for all of these years.

You would be irritated that you have all of this added drama in your life.

You would find it ridiculous, not to mention convoluted, explaining this to your younger children!

Clearly, this is a hard situation to take, under no circunstances should you feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I think it would be impossible to find a woman who could turn a blind eye to any part of this kind of thing....

Some questions:
Does SS demonstrate any sort of acknowledgement of the fact that your husband must dearly love him (as I would expect), to have continued to stay in his life?

I know you said he maintains the relationship with the XGF, but does he blatantly disregard you and your place in his father and siblings life?

Some advice:
You didn't mention if SS was receiving any mental health care---if not, someone needs to take care of that-pronto! (You mentioned that your familys' finances were an issue--so if the BM won't get on it, try going through a social services charity).

It sounds like your DH is committed to the child (again-as I would expect). So you two should seek some counseling, also to get some help navigating this. Also---when you have reached your wits end---it may help to remember that as frustrating, irritating, and ridiculous as this dynamic can get, your DH must be one hell of a man to have stepped up on this one!

good luck!

I dont think you're wrong...My question is,why isnt the REAL father of this kid who the bio-mom is supposedly still with not taking care of his own son???
It is one thing if your hsband still wants the boy in his life...but I can CERTAINLY understand the MONEY issue. You have your other biological children to consider,that in my opinion your money should be spent on instead of some other man's child that HE SHOULD be taking care of himself!
I'm really not sure what advice to give though if your husband wont listen to anything.

How does your husband feel about SS being friends with his other ex-girlfriend??? This would also bother me greatly if I was you.For one,this ex has no REAL purpose in your life except to cause trouble. It my opinion that they are called exes for a reason...She is not connected to your husband by way of marriage or children and should there for GET A LIFE and stop hanging around a 14 year old.

I would be paranoid about her,because what adult hangs out with a 14 year old unless she has ulterior motives?

You can always tell your husband that you will leave him and he can start paying child support to you...but that is the drastic answer here.

Anyways,I wish i had more useful advice...I really just wanted to let you know that this situation would make anyone crazy.

"He stands firm that it is his son and they will have a relationship no matter what"

I think you ought to get on your knees & thank your guardian fairy angel godmother that you managed to find a man like that.

How absolutely wonderful that you have a loving husband and all those children in your life! Yes, it's a big mess. But it doesn't matter what child "belongs" to whom, you get to love them all and share in their growing and happiness, sickness and complaining. I spent the past 15 years taking care of my husband's daughters for the shared time they were in our house. I have spent my entire retirement fund and 15 years worth of income to help support my husband's daughters. I am proud of the time and money I gave to help these children grow into loving adults. I hear you doing the same. Yes, you will feel a gut ache. But over time it will mellow and you will feel pride too.

Chastity

How about you come up with a plan about spending money on the child. That seems to be the major issue that is bothering you, the fact that there is not enough money to go around, and you feel its not fair on the other two children.

Instead of arguing about things, come up with a constructive plan on what you want to do. That would make it easier for you.

Popi