Do you hold Moms more accountable than Dads?

18 years ago

Why do alot of Mom's hold themselves to higher standards than Dads? I have always held my Mom more accountable than my Dad. Why is that? Do you women do that? I do that with my children too. I feel like their well being is more my responsibiliy or like they are more mine than DH. It's my responsibility to make sure they are close with their extended family, my responsibility to make sure they have a good relationship w/ their Dad. Maybe it's the part of the country in which you live, socioeconomic class, or upbringing. What do you think?

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Comments (13)

justnotmartha
18 years ago
I think it's because stereotypically mom's stayed home, barefoot and pregnant and caring for kids while dads worked, read the paper and ate the home cooked meals. I think it's because we carried them, ate and breathed for them and protected them for 9 months before we even met them. I don't think it's right or rational, but you can't deny it.
imamommy
18 years ago
That's true Martha, I still haven't convinced my daughter that if she has a child, she won't be more of a parent than the father. She says if she carries the baby, it makes her more of a parent than the guy that just pays for everything. I have to say that I have felt that way at times too. I have the stretch marks to prove it.
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Thanks all for the insight. NOt really sure what it is. Can't figure it out yet.. I will say he gets alot of attention here at home from his dad, but not in an "entertaining" kind of way. My husband is a handy man and also has to take care of things w/the hosue and his business alot on weekends. so a lot of times his son tags along, helps out, watches or if not he's here just watching tv or hanging outside, pounding on wood etc.. Yes this weekend was an exception where we played games, had a bbq, and yes his friend was here. NOT saying that doesn't happen but it's not like we are social every single weekend at our house and the day he wanted to stay we already told him before he went to his moms (as it was her day) that we had things to do, DAD was going to be fixing stuff and in the attic and he was like that is fine I will stay w/ dad and do stuff w/ him. The child always is w/ his dad more than mY SD, my SD is soo easy going and ok w/ NOT having all the attention that she never really complains that her brother gets more of dad time. She sometimes will get needy and want her dad at night etc.. Now, moms house is more of a "royal" mess.. the room he had to clean was not a room that was a mess that day and then to clean as at our house, it's you make a mess you clean it up that day.. Not 3 weeks later when there is more of a mess.. they don't have tons of chores at 6 and 8, but they are to be respectful, take baths, eat dinner, then they get a treat, if they act out there are no rewards, but consequences such as time outs etc.. both kids have actually been listening and behaving exceptionally well except my SS has a lot of control issues and feels he is nOT in control alot at OUR house.. He said that to us one day that he gets more his way at his moms.. that is why I feel it maybe more a form of manipulation or just that he was having a good time at our house wanted to be w/ us vs. her, and not saying he doesn't like it there, but [perhaps that is just how he was feeling that day? but to have such a meltdown over it, I am baffled, yes he is usually an emotional child when things don't go his way, he is to take a minute calm down and come and talk. so yes he had a meltdown not sure why, maybe cuz he didn't get his way wanted to be w/ his dad and couldn't so made a scene.. maybe he didn't have a enough time w/ his dad and being he enjoys being w/ his father maybe he did just want to be hre.. again just baffled at the behavior.. it would seem to me besides the fact he had to clean his room, that he'd want to be w/ her because he says he gets more his way there.. but again his dad isn't there, who he gets along w/ outside in the garage etc, but again sometimes he is just here in the house doing his own thing.. perhaps he just wanted to be here.. i do know the mom lets them choose more meals, etc , pizza, fast food etc. in that way also they have more "controL'> here is more often than not that we sit down and eat together and have a full healthy meal. and usually it's not an issue but an enjoyment.. it took a while to get that way at first the kids would fight it as they didn't have consistency from mom's to dad but now it's been 2 years they understand this is just the way it is here, we do go out for fun stuff meals, but not every night, especially school/work nights..
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theotherside
18 years ago
A good father doesn't just pay for everything and leave it at that. There is no reason why a father can't do half of the child care and any other child-related activities (except for breastfeeding of course).
kathline
18 years ago
Women are absolute hell on ....other women. As a gender we tend to be very judgmental about any woman that doesnt do things exactly as we do. Its as if we need reassurance all the time that we are doing a good job.

Examples...step moms and bio moms....None of them ever seem to have anything good to say about the other.

Or...stay at home moms and working moms...

Or short hair and long hair...

or housekeeping skills

or homemade vs storebought

or soccer moms and moms who dont enroll their kids in organized sports

Pageant moms, or moms who think pageants are vile

The list is endless. We just dont get along, as a gender, with other women who dont reflect our immediate values, although as individuals, we are no so judgemental
june0000
18 years ago
Kathaline,

That is so true and even so in the business world. Men can be plenty nasty and very competitive, but so can women.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Sadly, I think kathline is right, and that women in general are held to much higher standards. yes, definitely by other women but I think by men too. For laughs, let's do a little compare/contrast here. To be seen as basically "a good guy" or "a cool dude", men are generally expected to do/be the following:

-good providers
-non-physically abusive
-non-verbally/emotionally abusive
-knowledgeable about sports
-knowledgeable about tools
-married to or sleeping with an attractive, compliant woman
-not TOO bald or TOO fat (but a little of both is passable and even endearing)
-funny

On the other hand, in order to be considered "a good woman" or "a catch" as a woman, she needs to be:

-hot...
-...but without obvious effort in maintaining "hotness"
-nice...
-...but also "bad" when that turns him on (at highly circumscribed moments)
-intelligent...
-...but not so much so that it's "intimidating"
-not an airhead, thus...
-...capable of profound thought...
-...but not so much that it makes you "a drag"
-financially secure...
-...but not so much so that it takes a way the man's pride in being the provider, thus...
-....somewhat dependent...
-...but not a gold-digger
-well-groomed and stylish...
-....but not materialistic
-a great housekeeper...
-....but not SO GREAT at it that he's reminded of his mother (b/c that's a turnoff)
-a great mother...
-...but not so busy with the kids that you don't have time to do/be all the other stuff or you "let yourself go"
-a great friend who's well-liked by many...
-...but not by so many that you're "always yakking on the phone"
-emotionally attuned, empathetic and engaged...
-...but not "clingy"
-funny...
-....but not so funny that it de-sexes you
-knowledgeable about sports enough to be cute
-unwrinkled
-un-bald
-un-fat
-free of extraneous body hair at all times
-unblemished nails
-non-physically abusive
-non-verbally/emotionally abusive
-always available to schlep kids around, be woken by them in the middle of the night, etc.
-always available to deal with DH's MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, CIL, neighbors, unexpected dinner guests and/or boss
-AND....
-...still up for sex after all of this...
-which you also better be good at...
-...but not TOO good.
imamommy
18 years ago
theotherside, you never cease to amaze me. She meant during pregnancy. If a father can take over that half the time, then more power to him.
kkny
18 years ago
I think if Dads stepped up to the plate and took on more fathering role, conflicts between SMs and BMs would subside.
imamommy
18 years ago
I think if the first wife would accept that the second wife is a part of the child's life and be happy when the second wife is nice and does things for their child instead of being an evil stepmother.

and

If the second wife would accept that the first wife is the mother of the child and not step on her toes when it comes to her kids.

then there would be less SM/BM conflict.

This is assuming that the BM is being a parent to the child and that the SM doesn't hate children.

I don't think that the dad's have much control over the women's insecurity or jealousy issues. Sometimes, the guys can make it worse when they play the women against each other for a boost to their ego, but women can also do a fine job without any help.
nivea
18 years ago
I agree, KKNY. A lot of the conflict that is seen isn't even directly between the CP and the NCP.

I also noticed in another thread where the BM was not behaving as she should, the thought was wishing she would just walk away from the situation. There are so many more deadbeat dads, but what I hear from most BM's that have a child with a deadbeat dad is that they wish the Dad would step up.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
Serenity, that list is as amazingly true as it is funny. Love it!
finedreams
18 years ago
I find it hillarious that you shouldn't be TOO good at sex because it would mean you had it too much with someone prior to him. And maybe you have something to compare with...lol
hecallsmemom
18 years ago
LOL I love the list Serenity! Too true though, and kind of sad. In business women who are go-getters are classically termed a b!tch and men who do the same are slapped on the back and given a raise. (I'd rather be a b!tch than a doormat.)

Amen Fine! It insults the fragile male ego if we're fantastic in the sack. Some men however, don't feel that way. Some bask in the glow of having that fantastic go-getter nymphomaniac and know that they have her and some other poor schmuck doesn't. :

I understand why we women hold ourselves more accountable for our children. We carried them in our wombs, nursed them, weaned them, potty trained, and put them on the bus to school. Personally I feel connected to my child in a way that his father couldn't know, as I'm sure his father feels a bond that I could never feel. It is different though. Partially because male bonding consists of a farts and grunts (Sorry had to throw that in.), and partially because we did carry them in our wombs and we felt that first flutter of life. When our child gets in trouble at school the teachers usually call us because they know that we're going to make sure something gets resolved because the child's behavior, appearance, and attitude reflect on us.

Do you hold Moms more accountable than Dads?

Comments (13)

justnotmartha

imamommy

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