The first question that always comes up when I read a posting like this is; How did he treat your son before your were married? If his treatment has changed, when did htis occur? Was it a gradual thing or all of a sudden? How often do his kids stay with you.
Sounds like he is a control freak and since you won't let him control you, he is taking it out on your son. You each might want to consider going to a counselor individually and then combine the sessions. I am sorry you are goin through such a hard time. We try so hard to give our kids a stable and happy upbringing that it is hard to comprehend why some people have to be so mean to a child. Good Luck

He was cool towards my son prior to our marriage and I almost postponed the wedding. He has promised me repeatedly to work on this issue and usually does for a short period of time.
While we were dating and even prior to that, my son was a tremendous handful! In fact, I was exhausted by the time I met my husband from the constant demands my son's high energy that wore me down.
After we were married we did work together with my son, who continued to be an extreme challenge. To add to that, my son was having to learn to share me, had to go to a new school where he did poorly, and quickly alienated all of the kids on our block!
After exhausting our combined efforts to help my son, we finally had him evaluated for ADHD. He was "diagnoised" but we still waited to see how his last marking period went. (the teacher obviously grew weary of working with us and stopped sending behaviorial and academic reports home!) He almost failed 3rd grade! Right after school was out, he went balistic, behaviorially so we started him on Concerta, a time-released form of Ritalin.
From that point on, my son has completely turned his life around. He's made new, longer-standing friends, gets along better at home and in school, has excelled on the swim team, is getting the best grades he's ever had, and is growin confident from his continued successes!
My husband, however, still judges my son based on his old issues that were obviously not mine or my son's fault.
My husband is going back to the counsellor alone at thie time because I'm too angry with him. He is trying, and deeply saddened by our deteriating relationship/family, but I'm not sure I can trust his ability to completely change who he obviously is...I'm so sad...thanks for your reply...

Boy, you have had a rough time of it. Your husband obviously doesn't see his children's faults because he feels your son's are so much more of a burden. That is very sad for you and your son. I am glad your son is now excelling in school and life with the help of the medication. Sometimes that is what it takes and there is nothing wrong with that. Hopefully your husband will see that he is angry about the situation and not you or your son. We all want the fairytale life, but unfortunately, it rarely happens. Life and marriage are alot of work and once we accept that and learn to live with it, it just becomes second nature and before we know it, it is no longer work, but normal activity.
Stay strong and give your husband a chance to work this out with the counselor. Hopefully he is acknowledging by the therapy that he has a problem and is willing to seek professional help to resolve it. It is untimately your decision on whether the therapy is working and whether you will continue with the marriage. You need to think about your son and how this will effect the rest of his life (and yours). Not an easy decision to make, I know. You sound like you have a very big heart where his kids are concerned and you are to be commended for that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Thank you so much for your support...I've ordered a couple of books that were instrumental to me during a 'self reflection due to a messed up life' phase for him (and me again) to read. 'Healing the Child Within' and 'Excuse me, Your Life is Waiting'. I've offered to work through these helpful books, in addition to the counseling, with him or privately. Whatever he prefers.
Thanks again for the wonderful words of encouragement!

When my husband and I first married, my daughter, too, was a handfull. She had many things in her young life to deal with (including a bio-dad who is emotionally distant). She was 11 at the time we met, and she definitely went through a rebellious stage! It took my husband quite a while to let go of the past and look at TODAY. I suppose that when it's not your kid, you're a bit more skeptical of a change in attitude and outlook than a bio parent would be. My daughter is a totally different person today at 17, and even now my hubby will occasionally bring up something she did YEARS ago! I always remind him to put the past behind him, keep it in perspective. What happened in the past can't be changed, but we can't dwell on it either. We've all come a long way! Boy, this blended family thing sure is a challenge. Before we married, I read that it could take 2-7 years for things to fall into place and stabilize, for everyone to find their place in the new family unit. Boy is that the truth -- but count on it being closer to 7 years! Things can work out in a positive way, but it takes LOTS of work, patience and love. LOTS! Hopefully you (or the counselor) can make your husband understand the negative effect he's having on your child. It can be turned around, but EVERYONE has to want it and work for it.

ake care of your baby first!!! It was your choice to bring him into this world and he needs you to stand up for him. I know it hurts when you have an affection for this man. Maybe the timing just isn't right.

I forwarded your response to my husband as I thought he might like to hear that there are other people out there who share similar challenges in their marriage...he broke down and cried last night (FINALLY we're talking, not yelling)feeling like there's something wrong with him? He's determined to work through this and is reading constantly, starting to talk with me, and making the most sincere effort with my son, to date. The emotional disruption in his life is new to him and he's uncomfortable with it.
Now I'm finding myself in the position of wanting to work with him through all of this rather than to simply dump it on him saying, "this is YOUR issue, deal with it or I'm outta here!"
It's difficult for him because he's never taken the time until now to deal with emotional issues and he's a very successful man in every other area of his life making this challenge confusing, frustrating, and degrating to him.
I didn't help but I had also gotten to the point of complete desperation for my son's sake and for our marriage.
For the first time in our relationship we're talking about emotional things. He's reading some of the poems, journal entries, and short stories I wrote during some of my most painful times of my life before him. And I'm trying to learn to let him talk without correcting him all the time...he said he feels that I "critique" him with his children and mine. How horrible for him!
Hopefully we are starting down a new road and hopefully this wake-up call will stick!
Thank you for your response!!!!

So happy for you. You came together for a reason. You saw goodness in him and sometimes we lapse into not such nice behavior despite our inner strengths. I'm glad you are able to bring out his best traits with your intelligence, patience and love. Thats the clue to survival of a marriage.