my user name hey-ho sounds funny I know but my name is Heather and that was how my step-son used to say my name !!!!

Dad has GOT to take a more active stance. Bio-Mom doesn't get to dictate all of the terms just because she has primary custody. The problems you describe are serious, and heading down a nasty, difficult road. If Bio-Mom doesn't change her ways, this child will be one of those 'never grow up, live at home' adults who can't hold down a job or maintain an adult relationship. I know Momma loves her 'baby', but it's going too far, waaay too far. Is there any indication that the child isn't capable of doing for himself? Any signs of a developmental disability?

Since he's old enough to be in school, I'd schedule a conference with his teacher. Or rather, I'd make sure your husband does it, then show up there yourself "to be a supportive wife and stepmother." It'll be walking a tightrope, but it's necessary. See what types of difficulties he's having in school, of if he's able to cope there, but just not at home. Whether or not to include Bio-Mom is a tricky issue -- Maybe talk to the teacher first on the phone so you get an idea of whether or not she has the same concerns you do? If she does, let her be the one to take the lead with Bio-Mom on ways to encourage independence and self-reliance. If the teacher isn't concerned, it could be that stepson's behavior is specific to your household -- which would be a whole 'nother can of worms. (If you have the same last name as the child, odds are good the teacher won't even know you're the step-mom until you tell her -- Which of course, you'll do at the 'appropriate' time.)

There are ways to encourage a child's independence without saying "You have to do it yourself." Try showing him once, then asking him if he can do the next one. (Make sure it's something small and simple where his chances of success are near 100%.) If he's slow to comply, be 'unavailable' to help for a few minutes -- maybe "as soon as I get back from the bathroom" or "take the clothes out of the dryer" or "stir the pot for dinner." He'll probably rather do it himself than wait. Or tell him how much the 2 year old looks up to him since he's so much bigger, and ask him if he can show the little guy how to do something. (Never mind that it could be the reverse...) Letting him know what to do, then walking away and leaving him to fend for himself can be a very effective strategy. Praising small advances, looking for good behaviors to reward, and admiring 'big boy' things may also encourage the types of behaviors you want to see.

Good luck - and hang in there. Above all, try to remember that the little boy's self-crippling behaviors are a result of his mother's actions, not (yet) a character trait.

I totally understand where you are coming from I am going through the same thing with my BF. He has a 4yr old and she is so out control. When I tell him things, I swear he thinks I make things up just so she can get in trouble. She doesn't act the same when he is around vs. when it is just me and her. She can play the game and she has her dad wrapped around her finger. He will never see and understand what I am going through and how I feel because in his eyes she is an angel and she can do no wrong. When I start to get upset I leave the house because I can't deal with it. I'll go find something to do that makes me happy.

I just don't get we have been working at this for 2yrs now and much hasn't changed. I mean he wants me to be nice to her and accept all the crap she does to me. I'm not gonna stand for that. I'll either leave or just tell her like it is no matter how upset he or she gets. I know it's wrong to say that you hate your kids but it's so easy to say when the child is not your bio child.

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now, because you feel so bad about hating him. I can understand, your gut and society tells you that you are a monster for feeling that but you can't help it.

"He will not listen to anything I say and tells me he doesn't have to." I think that is the crux of the matter, it feels terrible to have that constant rejection.

His dad and you have to come to an agreement about how he will be delt with, I don't think you should have any heavy-duty dsciplinary role right now. Luckily you only have to deal with him every other weekend. Both of you should make it clear that things are run differently at your house.

Maybe it would help if his father could plan some activity for just the two of them to give you a break. I think you should also try and find some small activity, like reading a book to him, that he would enjoy and look forward to, and that could become a ritual to help you bond.

The book "Making peace in your stepfamily" by Bloomfield, has been tremendously helpful for me in dealing with these types of feelings, much better than any other stepparenting book I read. Best of luck and take care of yourself first.

Heather,

I am sorry you are feeling down and out. I think at one point or another we have felt that way towards our stechildren and even our own.

I don't know of any books that specifically deal with the issues you are talking about; all the ones I read have chapters, but entire books about this, I don't know.

I want to offer you my experience (by the way, I think SARABERA and SWEEBY had excellent things to say). We had our kids very little at the beginning, and they slept in their day clothes, they wore "holy" and mismatched socks, and most of their clothes in general were old and ratty. This is both when they came from their mother's and when they were with their father. Since I was the newcomer, I tried to hold it in as much as I could, but it broke my heart to see these amazing kids go around like that. Then, my mother-in-law came to visit (and mind you, I LOVE this woman, so it was a good thing!). When she came and saw what was going on, she just took the kids and brought them to the store, bought them all pjs, socks and some new clothes. I expressed to her my relief, and her reply was something along the lines of, "If the children need something, you go ahead and take care of it, because it looks as if nobody else is!".
Since then, things have changed a lot. My husband is much more active in that sense, and I feel much more comfortable in my role. In other words, if there is something that is tearing me apart, like say a child not being able to feed himself, I will teach him. I don't tie the boys' shoes anymore; I let them untangle their knots; I encourage them and give them guidance, but I truly believe in what sounds what you believe in: I want to raise children that believe in themselves enough at least to try.

Think of it this way, if you aren't addressing issues for the child's sake, you have to do it for yourself, or you will become a ticking bomb!

Oh, also, what blows me away is how much even just a word from a bio-parent will affect a child. With ours, whenever dad would even just say a word regarding something I had spent hours on, they respond much more... and it's no fault of my own, it's just the way it is; we need the support of our partners when it comes to these kids and that's all there is to it!

I hope things improve. Hang in there!

PS LOVE the hey-ho story....

Hey,Heather,welcome to the forum.

I know exactly how you feel,and have felt that way myself before many times. For starters,the bio-mom is completely wrong that your husband has no say and is to ONLY pay his child support. I think most courts would disagree with her thinking! And your husband should tell her so. She cant keep your husband from seeing his child. If he is paying support,legally she HAS to let him see his son.

I agree your husband needs to step up to the plate with the boy. The boy wants you to do everything for him,and not his dad? So your husband should tell him that's tough and he's to do what HE says when he is in his house.
My step daughter wouldnt even properly dispose of sanitary napkins after using them and she's almost 15. Instead she'd put them in a bag and leave them in the bathroom for 2 weeks until I complained to my husband how discusting it was and that there is no excuse for it.She also thought it was fine to never leave the house when on her period (5-7 days!!!)
I had to tell her that world does not stop when we get our periods and that she was to get out of the house.
Amazing how these bio-moms DO cripple their children by encouraging this type of behavior.
I think it is in your best interest to have alot less to do with this boy. Obviously it is making you have hostile feelings and that is bad. When he is at your house,he should be your husband's responsibility ONLY. He is not your child,and it is perfectly understandable that you are feeling as you do.
I hope things get better for you too! Good luck.Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.

Here's my opinion on the matter... DEFINITELY contact the school and set up an appointment with his teacher and counselor!!! At 6 1/2 you can gaurantee the teacher is NOT doing everything for him! In which case it is an act he has been taught by his mother at home. Through this "act" he has learned he can get all of the attention on him and be the "baby" This may be amplified by the fact that he now has a sibling to compete with at your home. Fact is I was in the same situation when I married my husband my SD at the time was 3 and yet insistantly baby talked and trashed the house!! She did this for attention and her mother at the time backed up her behavior by saying "She's my baby!" She refused to speak much and rarely walked on her own demanding to be carried everywhere. Luckily for us DHS was already involved and Bio-mom was only allowed supervised visits. My husband and I came up with a very strict game plan of how to make this child acheive all she was capable of. We refused to respond to her baby talk... with that said we did not ignore her but would say... I'm very sorry but when you speak like that we can't understand what you need, when you are ready to ask us in a clear manner we'll talk. This went on for a very long time and took counseling and pur stubborness to acheive. I absolutley would NOT feed a 6 1/2 yr old boy. Set his food in front of him and go about dinner... keep him involved in the conversation but DO NOT feed him!!! Trust me at most he will go through one meal without eating... Do not feel bad about your feelings, it does not sound like you hate the child... It sounds like you hate the actions and your inability to help him.. There is nothing wrong in that. Anyone in this situation would say the same... It is easy to look in at this situation and think "she's being awful hard on the boy" But they haven't lived it. Trust me I spent many tearful nights worrying about my SD future and mine as well but with patience it will get better. Your husband has to take an active part in this... it is time to step up and set rules. No he can not control how Bio-mom runs her house but there are two houses, there will be two rules. As to the if he is paying support comment.. Child support and visitation are two seperate issues!!! Even parents who refuse to pay can have active visitation and not be denied. This child needs for your husband and you to do right by him. Keeping him a baby for ever will do nothing but hurt him. If he is in school and incapable of doing the things "normal" kids do he will be taunted, children are cruel and I would hate to see him go through that.

This reply is to Chank, who posted about her boyfriend's 4-year-old daughter.

Chank ... she's 4. Four years old, for God's sake. She's not manipulative. She's not evil. She's 4 freaking years old and in her short life she's seen her parents split up and Dad hook up with someone else. She's not a 25-year-old romantic rival. She's a 4-year-old girl who needs her father. And all she can see is that the time she used to be able to spend with just her father now has to be spent with you too. She doesn't know you. She never fell in love with you. And she didn't ask for what is happening to her life.

The next time you get mad at her, ask yourself what you would have done in her position -- at 4 years old.