giving advice not attacking

16 years ago

I only started writing on this site because I needed advice,instead I've been attacked over and over again.You all really don't know the whole story about the BM and my DH so why the attacks I try to help others when they ask of it,not knit pick them to death.Thanks for all your encouragement,I want what is best for the girls and always have.Did the word mental illnesses ever come into to play for you people? We are very happy together and try to do right like others.You all start in on me like a mob.I can't stand how vile you all are.I had my husband move in with me because I loved(love)him and was supportive of him for giving them the extra 2 yrs.to get on their feet.I commend him for staying in a loveless marriage where all she thought of him was just a paycheck.She is a very sick woman.He couldn't afford to be on his own those 2 yrs.Every cent he made went to pay on them.Now its over and she still owns him but it doesn't matter because we are happy.I will always encourage him to check up on the girls but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.Thank you to the one person on this site that had alittle empathy for me.Just remember advice, not hatred attacks.I know all of you that responded are just perfect angels who have never found truely profound love like I have.I won't post again. you are no help to anyone in this household or my SD's.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

justmetoo
16 years ago
Good. Great. Wahoo for you. Have a wonderful life.

And for the record: I might not be perfect and little horns may replace my halo from time to time, but *I* have never stolen anyone's father, tried to replace anyone's kids with 'delightful' subsitutes as a consolation prize, nor denied anyone access to their parents.
ulrike1
16 years ago
Punkintm, sorry you walked into an episode of the Jerry Springer show instead of an advice situation, ha. This board is indeed more of a debate board than a support board, since many posters are here because they are angry at their ex-spouses and their ex-spouses' new partners--and that's OK. You can still get some good advice but I agree that when people have made up their minds about something and project their fury, there's not a lot you can do. I think there are other stepmothers boards that are exclusively for stepmoms and not for stepmoms plus people who are dealing with stepmons? That might be a safer place. (I like to come here because I get some insight on how my husband's ex-wife might be thinking--my kids have a stepmom too, but for whatever reason I am comfortable with that.)

Assuming you are reading this, I would just say that you and your DH should be as forward thinking as possible. Right now your SDs are hurting and probably feel horribly conflicted and torn. Be patient with them, be unwavering in your expression of support for them, let them know they are always welcome and that you love them. That message may be hard for them to hear over their mother's anger and their own grief, but eventually it will seep through, and the older they get, the more it will mean to them. If they try to rehash the break-up, your DH should continue to reassure them "that's not something you need to worry about, that's between your mother and me." He shouldn't trash her in any way, no matter what he thinks or what she has done. He should give them the precious gift of not burdening them with the fallout of his decision and the failures of their marriage.

Good luck to your family.
Related Discussions
What advice to give to someone who has never owned a cat?
Q
Comments (14)
Stress the benefits of wet food -- too many people avoid it because of the expense and smell. An acquaintance of mine (never owned a cat before) just adopted two adorable kittens and had them declawed so they wouldn't "claw my face while I sleep." If you are going to encourage her not to declaw you had better help her learn to trim nails and advise her to get plenty of scratching surfaces for the cat. You wouldn't want the cat coming back because it scratched the couch since it had no appropriate place to scratch.
...See More
Hide ya peppers hide ya maters! Attack of bac. leaf spot! Advice?
Q
Comments (8)
that is the sickest plant. . Here comes the 2nd sickest plant. . I had no problem uprooting "the instigator" because he had no fruit.....but these guys.... That would be a huge boner....okay so i seem to have stopped it in its tracks for now, those two plants both grew adjacent to "the instigator" and adjacent to one another actually. I have left on just enough sick leaves so i can tell if it progresses. . Most plants have 2 or 3 sick leaves now. . These two plants have probably dropped or had clipped 75-100 sick leaves each (maybe as much as half their foliage) over the last 5 days...... So, i think its under control but if i have to spray daily its gonna get pricey!! . Thanks for the ideas, ill try tomato forums, my tomatos had it last year.... But not this year. (so far my disease resistant seeds have panned out in my squash, cukes, zukes, and maters) i couldnt find much about disease resistant peppers..... Maybe thats cuz i got most of my seeds from amazon, hence my next "what is this?" post in the forum. Hahaha thanks pepper hounds! P. S. That first plant grew really weird..... Responded well to being topped in march or april, but then about a month ago stopped growing upwards completely and started loading up on fruit..... Im not conplaining or really even concerned but it was very odd, unlike any of my other 20 plants. It just started to grow tens of single leaves at the end of each branch and just stopped growing, except for one chute that broke free about 2 weeks ago..... Anyone experienced this? Thanks yall.
...See More
Please give me advice on this floor plan
Q
Comments (32)
You’re not talking about tweaks here. Tweaks are going to a single large garage door from two small ones. Or making the windows 6/6 instead of 3/1. You need to start over with a completely blank sheet of paper. On that paper, you start a list in 2 columns. Need. Want. Then you take that list and a copy of your survey and go talk to architects. Ask them do they see getting 95% of the true needs and 30% of the wants on that lot. The ones that tell you , “Yes, but you are going to have to make some sacrifices and stop interpreting a need as a want, because it IS not a need”—-those honest folks are the ones that you go walk the land with. There’s one of those that can make you a great house. But it won’t be a spec house. It will probably still have a lot of mass appeal, because good design is more appealing than the dreck you’ve shown. And it will appreciate enough that you won’t lose money when you go to sell. But you can’t design a house for mass market and to fit your family also as a money making venture. One or the other gets the short end of the stick. Why that should be your family instead of your wallet is a whole year of therapy on a couch. A spec house is purely for sale, at a profit. The cheapest allowable choices are what go into a spec house. A 13 SEER HVAC. No radiant heated bathroom floors. No $3000 chandeliers. No wood salvaged from your grandfathers barn. Nothing personal or emotional. A spec house is a cold cool gray financial decision. A residence is a warm luggage tan heart decision. The two clash right off the bat. Only the skills of a talented professional can help you to combine elements of both and not have it be a complete disaster.
...See More
Can someone give me advice for treating this issue with my eggplant?
Q
Comments (3)
Without a picture, it's hard to tell, but if there are tiny holes all over the leaf and the leaves are turning pale green, it's probably flea beetles. You can use floating row cover to keep them off until the plants reach a good size.
...See More
finedreams
16 years ago
you can be angry but it really does not matter to us, you have to live your own life no matter what we say. No, we do not have perfect lives, mine is for sure very far from perfect. But if I ever post here that I stole someone else's man, moved in with married man, and now am happy he does not see his children then I'd prefer people tell me how it is.

If you would post here that you made a mistake and now want to do right by his children, maybe you'd get different response, but all you do is blaming others for your own and DH's wrongdoings.

and of course exwife is crazy. roll my eyes here...every TOW (when confronted) says that his exwife was mentally ill, or lesbian or only wanted money. like it justifies something. like anyone cares.
kkny
16 years ago
Alright, here's my advice. Tell therapist the truth, that you were OW, that you are glad he left loveless marriage, no matter what that did to kids. Have therapist meet with kids alone, get kids side. I doubt you'll do that. Becuase it seems to me that you only see blame as one way. If anyone blames you or DH, they are bad. But you and DH can blame skids and anyone else you want.
justmetoo
16 years ago
--"Did the word mental illnesses ever come into to play for you people?"--

I hope that you remember that as your DH goes into the future with his daughters , and keep that thought with an open mind, as mental illnesses can be hereditary leaving a predisposition towards in the lineages. Will there be any 'empathy' for and/or a held out supportive hand of concern from your DH towards the girls then? Or will the advice from his therapist still be the same as now?
steppschild
16 years ago
I have yet to respond to any of your posts and I am sorry if you think you got flamed over here. Perhaps if you could do things over again, you and DH would have done things differently and cleanly so that his DD's could have had the opportunity to process their parents' divorce. It didn't happen that way and they view you as an interloper and their father in not the best light. I do have one question for you. How come BM got custody of her kids when she has mental illness?
finedreams
16 years ago
since when mental illness of a partner justifies cheating? it actually makes it worse: cheating on ill person. Unless OP meant that her DH is the one with mental illness-like sex addiction or impulse control or something else that causes making impulsive decisions.

giving advice not attacking

Comments (7)

justmetoo

ulrike1

Related Discussions

finedreams

kkny

justmetoo

steppschild

finedreams

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US