Does he have custody of his 3 kids as well?

I was a biomom to one child and my husband had 3 children. We both had custody of our children so when we moved in together I went from 1 to 4 children in a matter of minutes :)

Let me tell you it was stressful. And my skids mom upped and moved out of state leaving them with us everyday, not that she saw them often before that. Now she is back and still rarely sees them, and if she does it is a visit of a matter of hours to maybe one night. So I know what you mean about no time alone with your spouse.

Suggestions I can offer:

*Plan a night for you and your hubby each week, even if it just means putting the kids to bed an hour early so you two can have time to enjoy a cup of coffee or movie or just talk.

*Give the kids responsibilities around the house so your not doing all the chores and cooking

*Get your hubby to pitch in around the house

*Maybe once a month or so take your day off to go out with some girlfriends or relatives

*Once a month get a sitter (or relative to come over and watch the kids) and go out with just you and your hubby

Blended families can be extremely tough. Don't throw in the towel yet. Sit down with your husband and let him know what is bothering you. Talk about what you can both do to make things work!

You didn't indicate whether or not you were married to this man. IF not maybe living in separate residences is a good thing for now and Sunday can then be your day to relax and regroup. If he doesn't have his kids full time then maybe the schedule can be altered to accomodate your only day off. It sounds like you are stretched as far as you can be stretched emotionally with work and 6 kids. Believe me when I say this...time will help level things out ..my DH and I each have 2 children and at one point all four were living with us. I did everything for them and worked also. My husband tried to help as much as he could be he worked all of the time too. So It was my decision to stick it out and I am happy to say they are grown and living on their own and we are blissfully happy...even though it's hard to imagine right now, eventually things will even out and you will have the time with him you want so badly. Love with patience, can be enough.

Thank you for your responces. Just to clarify things a bit.
He has shared custody which means their with us every weekend,(Fri until Mon) plus every other week in the summer and all holidays are with us. I have 3 boys ages 17, 12, and 10. He has 2 boys ages 14, 12 and 1 girl age 9. We are not married. He is a wonderful man who tries to help out as much as possible. He pays me to live there monthly, but what he pays isn't enough, it barely covers the extra groceries and utilites it costs having him and his kids live there, but I am not looking to make a profit from him either. To make ends meet I work outside of the home during the day and have another homebased job I do at night.
We have tried very hard to impose rules in the house and give them chores. His kids do not like the rules which are basiclly pretty simple..Clean up after yourselves, clear your plate from the table, make your bed, sleep in a bed (sounds ridiculous but they want to sleep on couches and chairs), they are not allowed to just help themselves to junk food or Pop ( I hide it) and eating is only allowed in the kitchen. The problem comes when his kids come on the weekends after a week at their Mom's, who imposes really no rules and they are left pretty much by themselves all week. They act like wild animals, and complain constantly about the rules. My boys while they are not perfect start to follow suit and act the same as his, knowing full well that this behaviour is not acceptable, but since his kids get away with it, they just join in on it.
We go out to dinner once a week alone, it's like hurry up and eat and get home so I can work.
We have decided that I will go to counselling for help with dealing with the stress I am feeling. If this doesn't work I don't know what else to do and fear the only alternative is him moving out, and I'm sure this will be the end of our relationship.

The most difficult thing for us as a blended family were the two different value systems we brought into one house.
Do you think your Significant other would be opposed to sitting down with his kids and discussing how important it is to have a set of rules and chores put in place? Counseling will help deal with the stress but you need a plan of action where everyone living there chips in to help. It's their home too. He needs to address things with them.

Of course you're are not the brady bunch ... they had a maid. ...and nobody left the house EOW.

So on top of working if I counted right 2 jobs you're going to go to counseling?

Your BF pays "rent" to live with you?

My suggestion do not do anything one weekend. Do your kids go to dad's at any point?

Get so sick you cannot move out of bed. Or just plain go on strike. Most of the kids are quite capable of fending for themselves.

Kids will piss and moan about doing anything it doesn't matter what it is and if you pick up the slack after asking them to do it they know they can refuse long enough that you will do it eventually.

STOP doing what you do not want to do. Yes you're mad all the time but lets face who are you mad at the kids for not helping or dad for not motivating them to help? so lay it on dad or charge him more rent for a cleaning person or he cleans up after his kids. I don't care if mom's house is a free for all this is dad's house and we help each other out.

My SC hound me as soon as I walk in the door from work "When is dinner??" ..... I head into the kitchen and look around well let's see there aren't any clean dishes so it will take me an hour to dishes another hour to cook dinner so I figure about 7 we should be eating. They hum and they complain about waiting for dinner and then I get to say well if you did the dishes in the 2 hours before I got home from I might be more prepared to have dinner ready in an hour. SS's will do the dishes on days they are really hungry to eat as soon as I get home.

We also have movie nights and we don't get to watch the movie until the living room is decent. TV goes off until its done. Basic simple things.

My SC and hubby stuff their worn socks into the couches and chairs... drives me nuts so now I just throw them out. Soon enough there will not be any socks left in the house they have been warned enough times I will not repeat myself anymore if I find them stuffed in the couch they get thrown out.

Like getting ready to go somewhere they "have to be there at 3" well at some point you say well we can't go anywhere until the house is decent. If they sit you sit, then its 2:30 and they need to go ... tell them again we can't go until the house is decent. if they don't move to clean you don't move to bring them where they need to be. Simple.

Delayed gratification never killed anyone.

but what he pays isn't enough, it barely covers the extra groceries and utilites it costs having him and his kids live there, but I am not looking to make a profit from him either. To make ends meet I work outside of the home during the day and have another homebased job I do at night.

Is there some legitimate reason he isn't paying more? How much would it cost him to rent a place on his own and pay all his own utility and grocery bills himself? at a minimum (imo) he should be paying his and his kids' fair share of utilities and groceries PLUS a fair rent. Unless you have mutually decided otherwise for some reason (ie he is being a sahd for all the kids). If he were contributing more, you could either work less, or you could afford a babysitter and/or housekeeper to come help out from time to time, so you could do less around the house, or get out from time to time for some r&r. I understand not wanting to make a "profit" off him, but right now, HE is essentially making a profit by living with you, and you are suffering from it.

I very much agree with Quirk: your boyfriend should absolutely be paying you more than he is. Unless you're being kind to him for a good reason-- he's ill, disabled, something like that-- the amount that he's paying you is essentially scamming you. He would undoubtedly be paying quite a lot more if you weren't in his life.

Additionally, here are some suggestions to take some of the pressure off of you:

1. Ask your boyfriend to plan to take ALL of the kids someplace all day on Sundays once in awhile. They could go do volunteer projects, go hiking, go to a park to throw balls/shoot hoops as a family, take a train and go sightseeing, visit a museum which charges minimal/no admission, visit relatives, visit nearby colleges (since the older ones are approaching college age and the younger ones are old enough to be taken along), whatever. If you want to do what your boyfriend has planned, go along. Otherwise, stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

2. Tell everyone that they are responsible for their own laundry if you have a washer/dryer in your house. By the time I was 15 and my youngest sibling was 10, we were all doing our own laundry: it's not rocket science and my mother had had enough. She even color-coded the sheets and towels so that she didn't have to do more than she wanted. If the kids wear dirty/wrinkly clothes, it's their problem. They'll clean things sooner or later.

3. Decide that you don't care what the kids' rooms look like most of the time, as long as the mess can be shut behind the door. I know that this can be hard to do, because knowing that a mess exists in the house can sometimes drive me crazy even if I can't see it. But if you reduce the number of rooms that you feel absolutely have to be cleaned to your standards, it will hopefully cut down on the stress. Make the kids clean their own rooms when you really want them cleaned, but try to ignore it some of the time, too. Pick your battles.

4. Use some of Pseudo's tips to get them to pitch in for the areas you decide to care about, and also have them each periodically pick recipes to cook for the whole family. Yes, the kids will complain your ears off, but they'll also get the work done and take some of the load off of you. Plus it's a learning experience that will (especially for the boys) help their relationships in the future. I think most women appreciate a guy who will cook and clean at least some of the time. Who puts "a slob" into their must-have dating/marriage criteria?

5. Reduce the amount of time per week you're spending on food prep, especially on Sundays. There are two things that come to mind here. First, I've been reading a lot about crock pot cooking lately, and there are some very, very easy-sounding recipes out there. You sound like someone who could really use a food prep time that lasts no longer than 5-15 min, followed by a long period of no-work cooking time. The crock pot seems to enable that. The second idea is-- if you can afford it and have the space-- look into getting a large second freezer. My mother used to take one day every month or two to make a ton of casseroles to freeze. It was a lot of work that one day, but it made things significantly easier the rest of the time.

6. Encourage the kids to all have friends over on the same day. It will probably be a very loud and untidy day... but if they have friends over, they'll probably be too occupied to bother you. And you can go into your room, shut the door, and read a book/watch a movie or something like that. Similarly, you could encourage the kids to all go to friends' houses on the same day. This also has the advantage of more quiet/less mess.

7. Make sure that you're doing the things you need to do for your own health and well-being. The demands on you sound utterly exhausting, and it wouldn't be surprising if you were feeling generally run down on top of feeling burned out. Take some time to shut out everything else and make sure you're taking care of yourself.

I really hope that things get better for you soon.

Honey, you are working too hard and you are going to collapse. That many kids, two jobs. He isnt pulling his weight. I dont want to be seen as mean, but you have to look after yourself and your kids first.

I sure don't know why you are taking all this responsibility on yourself. On top of all that, you are taking the blame for it not working and seem to think counseling will help. Will counseling get the bills paid? Will counseling make the children behave better? Will counseling get the house cleaned, laundry done, and dinner cooked? What you need are organizational skills, to learn to speak up, stop being afraid of losing a loser who is using you, and perhaps make him get counseling so he learns to stop taking advantage of you and learns how to control his children. The first thing you should do is hand him the bills. He should be paying them instead of paying you rent. The second thing is tell the children you don't want to hear their complaining and make sure he enforces that.

Sit down with him and calculate everything so he knows what his responsibilities should be. Whether he actually is everything you ever wanted in a man will reveal itself very quickly.

Thermo,

I agree with you. Everyone here talks about enforcing responsibltiy in terms of stepchildren. Here dad is not stepping up to the plate. OP, dont be blind to this guy can ruin your life. You are running yourself ragged. What happens if you get sick?

Your oldest may be out of the house soon, and you might move to a smaller place. What about the others you are supporting? And are you saving for your retirement? It will come before you think.

I agree with kkny on this one. Your boyfriend here isnot pulling weight and you are suffering for it.
WHo decided to split now? Did you guys sit down to decide it or was it made on a whim of anger and frustration?
6 kids is alot to handle. I know my little guy gets way too excited when my husbands kids come over. I notice he becomes rebellious and anxious. its excitement..i guess that is normal for a child to feel when in a group situation.
Its the money issue that ticks me off. It sounds like he is not putting enough to at least cover himself and his kids portion and you have 2 jobs and do house cleaning and cooking? Thats alot!
I think if you guys cannot work as a team in this relationship and if he doesn't pull his weight her then this will not work.
I would give it a go with soem counciling but if that doesnt' work, in the end, save yourself and your kids.

I was in this same situation years ago with my exBF. He had his three kids full time (their mother was gone 99.9% of the time due to drugs) and I had my three kids. Mine were 1, 2, 4 and his were 1, 4, 6 when we got together. He worked as a deputy when we met (as a jailer.. low on the totem pole) and by the time I left, he was a Detective Sargent in SWAT. I spent 7 years raising his kids while he advanced his career. I also worked full time, went to school full time and managed to do scouts and sports with all the kids. (I have NO idea how I had the energy for all of it looking back now!) But, the difference is that I WANTED to do what I was doing. I loved the kids and I never resented doing all that for them. Toward the end, I resented him and his lack of involvement in his own kids' lives, but that wasn't really the reason it didn't work out. I left because he wasn't on my team... he wasn't really even playing in the game. He was on the bench watching me play or off somewhere else doing his own thing. I was a single parent and didn't even realize it.

Leaving was probably one of the toughest things I have done in my life. I had never really been alone and I worried about how it would affect the kids (both his and mine, we had none together) and financially, I was terrified. Love is NOT enough to hold any relationship together, it takes work and it has to be work from both sides, not just you. You say he is everything you want in a man but is he really? If you have told him you are overworked and stressed out, has he offered to help out more or find some way to remove the burdens that are stressing you out? If you've asked for 'alone' time with him, does he give that to you? Is he respecting your wishes? or does he think you should stop complaining and deal with it? (and if you haven't talked to him about it, do you feel comfortable talking to him about it? Communication is crucial in any relationship and if you don't feel you can talk to him about this, I'd rethink the whole relationship)

Six kids is a lot but I enjoyed all the kids. It would have been a sheer nightmare if I dreaded any of them being around and I would have gone nuts if I felt I was being forced or expected to do anything I didn't really want.

I am so happy to have found this site and you great people and thank you all for the words of wisdom and support. It's like your all in my house and know exactly what is going on.
Blended families are coming more to the forefront, but it's still hard to find people who understand and can relate to these lives we lead.

Let me ask you all this, he pays me in the high $600's for household expenses. Does this sound like it's a fair amount?
I show him the bills and he goes grocery shopping with me so he is well aware of what it costs to run the house.

This past weekend was the best weekend I had in soooooo long. I finally got to relax. I actually got to put the footrest up on my chair and watch TV. I haven't done that since they moved in. He told his ex that he couldn't take the kids this weekend (we would have had his for 10 of the 14 day off school for the holidays).

iamamommy, I wish you all the best!! Do you still see his kids even though your not together? How are you coping now?
I also worry about how the kids will be affected, how are they doing?

It seems if it is a shared household the bills should be shared as well - like 50/50. Why is that not the way it works?

With all those people in the house there should be more than enough hands to get things done. Sounds like if they won't ALL pitch in - and BF won't enforce this with his kids - then it's time to ask him why he feels that is acceptable. Why does he undervalue you so much if he loves you?

If he doesn't have an answer, and a solution, I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to find a better situation for you all. This effects more than just you.

I wish you strength.

I didn't see my exBF's kids much after we split. His daughter and my daughter were the babies... both 1 when we met so they grew up together and still talked. Our sons weren't as close so they didn't really talk much but the girls did. They all had the same friends and continued to hang out in school and on a few occasions, at each other's houses. In fact, she is coming to spend a few days here this weekend. (We now live 6 hours away so I am sending her an amtrak ticket for her to come.) I haven't seen her since before I got married. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my wedding & backed out a week before the wedding and didn't say why. I hadn't really talked to her since, except a couple of messages on myspace. The boys don't really talk to me anymore, even though I've reached out a few times. After I left, he continued his career. He is now a Lieutenant. He met his new wife, who didn't really want to be a parent to his kids... they were preteen/teen and never got along. Unfortunately, they pretty much raised themselves and the oldest one got his girlfriend pregnant in high school. Quit school to work & take care of the baby. The relationship ended and he no longer sees his baby. He's now 24 & lives with his grandma. He is all tattooed up and I suspect does drugs, but I'm not sure. His younger son left home as soon as he turned 18. He has a girlfriend he lives with and works. I think he is doing okay. His daughter that is coming to visit just graduated high school & taking classes at the community college. She seems to be alright... hasn't gotten into any trouble that I know of. She says she can't wait to be able to move out. Their father and his wife reversed her tubal ligation and conceived twins about a year after they married. The twins are going on 5 or 6 I think and I'm not sure what kind of dad he is to those babies, but his kids just want out. They don't like their step mom. She has two kids from her previous marriage that still live at home.

I felt terrible that I didn't see them regularly after we split up. At the time, his oldest was going on 14 or 15 and had that teenage attitude. I was at the school, signing my daughter up for the new school year and he was riding by on his bike. He told me "My dad lets me do whatever I want now that you aren't there. He spends the night at his new girlfriends house so we do anything we want." At the time, I didn't feel I had any right to discuss it with my ex.. I didn't want to appear jealous of his new girlfriend. However, I was concerned about his kids but I didn't do or say anything to him about it. I had no legal rights, I wasn't even married to him, I was just an ex girlfriend. If I could go back, I would do things differently. But, honestly I don't think it would make a difference.

I stayed single for seven years before I started dating again. I worried a lot about exposing my kids to multiple relationships. I worried about them getting attached to anyone. I worried about becoming dependent on a man again since I had let myself become dependent on my exBF. When my kids were all in high school, I decided to give dating a chance. I met my current husband about six months after I started dating and we were married a year and half later. He has a daughter that is 9 and lives with us full time. My kids are now grown~ 18, 19, & my oldest will be 22 in two weeks.