You MUST talk to your husband about this!

How does he react when his son does inappropriate things?
You need to let him know that when SS gets out into the world, his life will be very difficult and disappointing because most of society won't care what his backround is, they will expect him to behave a certain way.

I feel sorry for this boy. The way he has been brought up will only lead to sorrow for him. And to have a mom figure who doesn't like him, let alone love him is horrible.

His behavior isn't his fault. He is like that because the adults in his life have led him to believe that it's okay to behave in that manner. You're the only one telling him differently.

There are lots of parenting support groups out there. I suggest you and your husband attend one together to find a way out of this problem.

If you do nothing, it will only get worse. And what a terrible position to put your husband in, having 3 people in his home that he loves but don't love each other!

-Keli

The first thing that I would advise you to do, is to down load your post, and when you and your husband are alone, you should give it to him and tell him that you wrote it. You need to be honest with him and let him know the truth in what you are feeling, and how you are treating his son.
If you truly loved your husband, you would not hurt him by hurting his child, when no one is looking. Because when you hurt a child, you hurt the parent even more. For example...what if you found out that when YOU were not looking, that your husband secretly hurt your little girl whom you adore so much? And you found out that he hurt her alot? How would you feel towards your husband? Would it hurt you, to find out that someone who was supposed to love you, was secretly hurting your little girl? Would THAT feel like love to you? Would you believe him when he said how much he loves you...knowing how much you adore your little girl...but "choosing" to hurt her in secret when you are not looking.
"You" have become that monster. You are hurting a child, when no one is looking. You are hurting your husbands son, and therefore, you are hurting your husband. Love means that we are able to trust those who are close to us. But he cannot trust you with his own child. If you really did love your husband, you would rise above your feelings, and treat his son with kindness and respect, whether you feel like it or not. Why? Because that is what loving people do, and it is the right thing to do for this husband you profess to love so.
You are hurting this child on so many levels, that it is heartbreaking to read your words. You do NOT have the right to hurt a child like this. If your husband ever remarried, how would you feel if his new girlfriend/wife treated your little girl like this, when your husband and his new partner had visitation? Would you want someone to treat your little girl as you have treated this child? To make her feel "dirty" and disgusting and unloveable? Yes, there will be many days in your daughters childhood, when she too will scurry from the restroom, neglecting to wash her hands. They are "children" afterall, and not miniture adults. Does that make her dirty and disgusting?
I now understand "WHY" Dr. Laura advises divorced spouses to NOT re-marry until the children are grown, and if they re-marry...to not have new children together. It seems that when the newly married couple have new children, the previous children are resented, or "hated" (especially by the new wife) I think this is what many of you are saying. And the new spouse (that seems to be the women here) want their new husbands to abandon their own children so that they can have this new little family.
There are HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of CHILDREN who have been abandoned and are foster children. Who are these people WHO BETRAY THEIR OWN CHILDREN, and fail them so? Is it because dads new girlfriend/wife hate's them? Is it because moms new boyfriend thinks they are a drag, and she does not want to lose him? Are you kidding me?!?! What kind of people do this to their own children?
You need to be really honest with your husband here. This is when you both get to choose what kind of human beings you are going to be. His son HAS THE RIGHT to be raised in a home where he is loved, encouraged, praised. Where he is hugged, and where they laugh at his silly jokes, and smile when he comes home from school.
Since you are not able to do this, you and your husband need to talk about who can. Your husband will then have a choice to make...to either leave you and take his son, and raise his son in a home where he is loved, and cared for as every child should be. Or whether his parents love this child enough to be that happy place for a boy to grow up and have a happy childhood.
And for you...you need to take a good, hard look at the kind of woman you have become. Is this the kind of person you want to be known as? You need to behave as if the whole world were watching you on Dr. Phil. Who and what would we all see? And you need to ask your husband and his son for forgiveness... for the hurt you have inflicted on both of them.

"I feel like I need professional help, but I can't afford it. "

You can't afford NOT to get professional help. RIGHT NOW.

This situation is a time bomb just waiting to go off, and you, your husband, your daughter, and your step son will be extremely sorry when it does.

GET HELP NOW. Call you local family and social services office and ask about family counseling. Talk to your pediatrician and get a reference. RIGHT NOW.

Do NOT give up on an 11 year old boy, and PROTECT your daughter. CALL NOW.

I am very new to this forum but i feel i have something to add.

To start with, if you give your husband a copy of what you have written then you may as well give him the divorce papers too. Seriously.

I know exactly what i am talking about as i have a step-daughter. She has just turned 13 and has been the most awful child for the last 7 years of her living here with us.

I talk to my husband about any problems that i have with the kids, not just my SD, but my own kids too.
I don't just sit there and moan about one person all the time. I have a daughter of my own too and i dont give better treatment to her. I dont have to because i am the grown up.

Your SS is a typical 11 year old. Why are you forgetting what kind of life he has had already.
You need to be showing him love. Praise when he DOES do something right because there is no way i can believe the child is all bad.

It sounds to me that since you had your daughter you will make no effort or time for the boy.

Take a step back and get off his case. You might see an improvement if you only stop getting on at him!

Do you offer to help with homework? Do you ask him if he has a specail meal that he likes? Do you praise him?

I think also that you do need some sort of therapy. If you don't get out there and find someone to help you then you may as well say goodbye to that lovely husband you seem to have.

I just wanted to say that I read the 4 replies that have been posted so far, and I appreciate everything everyone has said... I think that's why I am reaching out for help, is I do feel that I have become a "monster" and every day the guilt builds. I don't feel that I can talk to my husband about this because I know how I would feel if I found out that the tables were turned and he were treating my daughter like I sometimes treat his son... I would definitely send him packing. I am not offended by anything anyone here has said. I know these things are true. And before my daugther was born, I really was a good mother to him. He calls me "Mom" because his biological mother is nowhere to be found, and hasn't been around since he was born. He tells me he loves me every day, still. For years, I helped him with his homework and played with him at the park and in the yard and did daily devotionals with him before bed... and since I had my daughter (I don't know if it's a little post-partum depression or what) but physically and emotionally it is so hard for me to feel anything but resentment toward him. I just want to avoid him. It's like I don't even try to see the good anymore. I know he's not all bad... nobody is... and he doesn't deserve mose of the crap I dish out at him, no matter how he behaves. I don't have a lot of sway when it comes to how he is being raised, but that doesn't mean I should just give up entirely. And I tell myself every day that today will be different, but it's so hard for me to smile at him and feel anything good toward him... it's a horrible situation... if I can be civil, I feel that I'm doing well. But it has been since I had my daughter... what's between us feels so natural and now what's between me and my SS feels very unnatural. So, here's my next question: Does anyone out there think that I can turn this around and fix it without having to tell my husband about any of this. I know someone said I should print this and give it to him, but someone else said I may as well hand him the divorce papers with it. I know that is true and that's why I haven't spoken to him. I've spoken with my sister a little bit and my mom. But they don't even know how awful I have become. My real fears are that my husband will end up hating me and my daughter will see me as a mean person. I don't want to be this way, but I'm so afraid that I will go home tonight and the same kind of stuff will go on. I don't want to have to talk to my husband about this. I think I can turn things around with my SS - he's a very forgiving person. His biological mom has disappointed him on so many levels and he hasn't seen her in 2 years, but if she called tomorrow and wanted to take him to lunch, he'd happily go. He's just that kind of person. I can't hardly see right now, my eyes are so full of tears... I think I really just needed to hear from someone outside of my life and situation that I have truly turned into a rotten and horrible person. I have been trying to make my behavior OK for quite some time - to rationalize so that I won't feel so bad about myself - and place the blame on others. It's hard when you realize what you've become if what you have become is someone no one would really want to have anything to do with.

"Does anyone out there think that I can turn this around and fix it without having to tell my husband about any of this."

No.

This is a family problem, and everyone involved needs to be in counseling right now.

That said, I would definitely NOT print out this posting and give it to your husband. I think that these things need to come directly out of your mouth to him. I think that you owe him at least that.

OK, I may have to tell my husband at some point, if I find that I really can't turn this around on my own... but before I leave him no choice but to divorce me, I have a plan that may work. After an hour of crying this morning, and shining the light on all the dark corners of my heart, I have decided that the person who I need to talk to the most is my SS. So, I have called his school and told them to tell him not to ride the bus home, that I will pick him up. I'm going to take him to the park and look him square in the face and appologize for my behavior. I'm going to tell him that he has every right to be mad at me, afraid of me, sick of me, whatever... I'm going to tell him that I know I've been in the wrong, and from now on, things will be better. I know many of you out there will think that this won't work... how could he forgive me, right? But you have to know him... I think that he'll listen. He might not believe me right away, but then if I show him day after day that I am changing for the better, he will forgive me eventually. I have prayed about it, and I will continue to pray about it. I feel that at this point, this is the right thing to do. I have told myself for so long that he is the reason for my unhappiness... I realize that I am causing my own unhappiness, and the unhappiness of those around me... I believe that with the Lord's help, I can tell myself that my life is a wonderful gift, and everyone in it is a wonderful gift, and I will start to really believe it. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks so much to everyone who replied!!!

asmith: If you really want to change, go out tomorrow and pick up "Bad Childhood Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger that just came out 2-3 weeks ago. You may have had a great childhood, but it will give you long range perspective on this like nothing I have seen or come across. I had a really good childhood, but I picked up the CD version because I wanted to hear what she had to say on the subject. It was without a doubt, one of the most worthwhile things I have heard in years. I did not know if I would actually read the book, so I did get the CD's and learned more than I could have learned in a year of therapy. This is what your situation will look like through your step sons eyes one day. After you have listened to the CD, or read the book, let me know because there is so much more I want to say, but after typing out a long letter, I accidently deleted it, and just did not have it in me to start over.
This should be a must read for every parent.

Hi brincebkind... I have read some of your other posts. You must be a very compassionate and caring person to spend so much time and energy giving much-needed advice to all the people who come to this forum. Do you do this for a living? You just seem to know a lot. I read you're post "Grieving... where is home?" and it really made me think (again) about what life has been like for my SS over the past 11 months. Like I said, I've been caring for him for almost 5 years now... he has called me "Mom" for 4.5 of those years. The past 11 months (since my daughter was born) has really been the time where my priorities and thought patterns have been skewed in the wrong direction. I know there's a lot of people out there who say they will change but they can't do it on their own. I don't intend to do it on my own. However, I do believe it will be easier for me to turn this around. I have not felt this way since being with my husband - these feelings have just presented themselves since my baby was born. Maybe it was some manifestation of post-partum... I don't know? What I do know is that my SS has got to be the most forgiving person on the planet. I did talk to him yesterday. I picked him up from school, and he acted as happy as ever to see me. I asked him about his day and he just chattered away as if I had never done anything to hurt him. Then I told him, "You are a much bigger person than I am. I don't know that if someone had been as mean to me as I have been to you for 11 months that I could ever talk to them again. But here you are, talking to me as if nothing were wrong." I looked him in the eyes and apologized for my behavior. I told him I had been acting like a little spoiled kid, and I asked him if he could forgive me. He said he could. I know that he may not fully believe me at this point. But after we talked, he gave me a great big hug and a kiss, and this morning before going to school, I smiled and we talked and I made the honest effort. And I didn't feel that same tension as I have felt every morning for the past 11 months. Not only was it hard on him, but it was hard for me to live that way! How exhausting to constantly be worrying and coniving and scheming for ways to keep my SS and my new baby girl apart! And for what? Why did I feel this uncontrollable urge to be such a B@*%&?!? I don't even know. I never really knew. I tried to blame him, but that was unfair and uncalled for. The bottom line is that I said I'm sorry, he said he forgives me. Maybe over time, I'll be able to truly forgive myself. This morning was the best morning we've had in a long time. Mayba all I really needed was to have some people who don't know me honestly call me out on my behavior so that I could see myself properly. I'm not saying everything will be roses from now on... that's unrealistic. But, I am saying that I am done trying to wish my SS out of existence. I'm done telling myself that in 10 more years, he'll be grown and out of our lives... because as several people on this forum have said, that will never be the case. And what person in their right mind would wish their children out of their lives. When I married my husband, I married him and everything he came with. I never resented any of it before, and I shouldn't start now. I will let you know how things progress.

I am so happy you decided to work out the problem. For both your SS and you as well as your entire family. I believe you may see some improvement in SS behavior just by showing love, respect and guidance. I wish your entire family the best of luck and am anxious to hear how things progress.

You have taken the first step to forgivness and that was by admitting what kind of person you were to that boy.

I have step-kids and i too used to sit and think "only a few more years to go before they leave". I also know thats not the case.
I am looking forward to being a grandparent to all my kids children when they have them.

I admire what you did when you picked him up from school and had the talk. It's the step in the right direction for you. You truly need to keep this attitude now.
Your SS is a small human being who looks up to you. You will be the one to guide him through life so make his childhood a happy one. One where when he is older he can look back and tell people how nice you were and how much you helped him when his own mother wouldn't.

Keep trying with him. Take a deep breath if he does something that bothers you and talk to him about it, not shout. Let him be a brother to his sister too.

Good Luck

asmith...how is your relationship with your Stepson going this week? How are you feeling towards him? What steps are you taking to change the dynamics...as your attitude and perspective begins to change...so will his, in response to you. Remember, something so simple...and yet so helpful, is to remember to simply smile at him when he gets up in the morning and comes home from school. Tell him you are happy to see him and give him a hug. Sometimes, when we "act out" the behaviors we may not yet feel, it still somehow changes the way we "feel" and the dynamics begin to change for both of you. The "atmosphere" in the home begins to change and feel lighter, and happier.

asmith,
Your last post made me tear up. From your first post, your SS's behavior seemed to me a cry for your love and attention. I am so proud of you for talking to him and trying to give him a second chance with you. He desparately needs it. I think you need his love and acceptance.

DH and I have been raising his 11 year old DGS for 2 1/2 years now. He is a troubled, learning disabled kid with emotional problems. He frequently can be difficult to love. But there are moments that warm our hearts, too. Boys that age tend to not want to wash their hands, need to be reminded each time for a thousand times. The touching himself at the table is not appropriate, he should be reminded if he does that it should be always done in privacy behind closed doors.

Boys aren't perfect and can be challenging. But they are worth our time. Our DGS is loved but sometimes acts so unlovable, and I need time away from him. My time is when I get home from work. Since we bought our new house, he no longer has a television in his room. He wants to come out and sit on the sofa with me and watch TV even if it is just the news. This week, I talked with him and explained that when I get home from work, I need a little time to unwind and relax. He has accepted that very well and it sure helps me not feel resentful. Then while making or eating supper, or after supper DH and I have one-on-one time with him.

Hugs to you and good luck.

asmith, we would love to hear how things are going.

asmith, we all would like to hear how you are doing. What is your relationship like today?

asmith, how is it going?