ready to pack up and leave

19 years ago

I have been married a little over two years. I have a 7 yr old sone and his daughter is 14. I also have two children that live 80 miles away with thier father and visit on weekends. My husband and I are both active military. He works alot and deploys as well. I do the majority of the parenting.

My issue is with my SD and DH. Since the beginning he has talked to me about how unfit her Bio mom is and how is was looking forward to me setting a good example for the SD. However, when we set rules (that he and I both agree on) and then I try to enforce them, he tells me that I am being to hard on her and looking for ways to get her into trouble. He accuses me of treating her differently than my 7yr old and holdingher to higher standards. When I point out that she is 14 and he is 7 it makes no difference.

To make matter worse, he does not get along with her BM. (it should be noted that I get along very well with my exs and we are all very supportive of each other when it comes to the kids) She only sees her a few weeks out of the year and goes out of her way to trash both me and DH to the SD. Recently my SD has taken to joining in on the trashing of me to anyone who will listen. I know this because she has not been very discreet about it. She has told me how she regrets me and her father getting married, how I never do anything good for (never mind the cell phone, room decorated just how she likes it, ect..)so on and so forth. Of course DHs response is that he doesn't see her treating me like this and that I am overeacting.

The bottom line is that I am tired of being the target for her everytime she gets into trouble or doesn't get what she wants. Every few weeks we go though this cycle of me getting my feelings hurt and then her apologizing because DH makes her and then staring all over again. I realize that teenagers are ungratful, rude and even sometimes mean but I feel this goes beyond normal and borders into emotionally abusive.

I asked her this morning if she would be happier if I was not around and she said she needed to "think about it" I realize this may have been a loaded question but in my mind it gets right to the heart of the issue. I know I am supposed to be the grown-up and not take things personally but one can only take so much.

Right now I have bags packed in my car and every intention of staying in a hotel tonight. After that I am ready to disengage in the parenting of the SD.

DH keeps trying to talk today but I dont want to talk anymore. We just keep putting a band-aid on the situation and not actually fixing anything.

Thoughts?

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Comments (2)

moodyblue_2007
19 years ago
Send SD to her mother for a "respite period"..YOU need it. This period should be for at least one semester of school.(I know this semester just started but now is still a good time). This will give you adequate time to re-engage with your spouse, and let him see how peaceful things are when these "cycles of disruption" have ceased. This will also give the SD time to fully appreciate her home with you, if she finds things are better with her mother, then everything is resolved in a peaceful manner when she goes to live with her mother. Do NOT leave...this is your home, your husband, your family..let her choose to live in it under your rules or not.
sarahl
19 years ago
Are you ready for the me or her ultimatum? That is kind of where you are. Are you sure you are ready to throw in the towel on your husband? If sd wasn't in the picture, would you be walking away from the marriage at all? Can you try the disengaging first and see how that goes? Sounds like you feel she is running the house - and I'd bet she is right now. I went thru the same thing with my oldest stepson - he is still doing it from 1000 miles away to some extent, but I am removing myself from the game - that was my new years resolution - getting off the guilt roller coaster.
Are you taking your 7 year old with you tonight?
Do you not want to talk to him because you feel like you have been talking til you are blue in the face and he just doesn't get it? Accepting that they don't get it is hard.
You aren't crazy - a 7 year old boy is not on the same level as a 14 year old girl. NO way! She is strong and smart and testing how powerful she can be - hell yes she is capable of towing the line around the house. I have a 14 year old daughter, I know how they are. Part of it is teenager and part is manipulation because she can - because your husband is letting her. You probably can't get the point across to him either, that he isn't doing her any favors not letting her take responsibility and consequences for her behavior. Disengaging is the key. Letting him deal with her. And if she ends up messed up, if you aren't involved with her discipline - you aren't to blame. Puts the responsibility for her behavior back on him for parenting and her for growing up. Some kids just do mess up. Detach. He says he wants you to help, but his actions tell you to butt out. Watch the actions, don't listen to the words.
I'd just say go ask your Dad on everything. Keep putting it all back on him. If he does get deployed I would say send her to her mother's. He second guesses you every time you try to discipline her - so he is telling you he doesn't trust your parenting. So don't leave her with you!
My husband did the same thing with his oldest son. It's not fun and the kid has been in lots of trouble and doesn't know right from wrong. He is out of the house now, but you are always waiting for a call, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Figure out what you are trying to accomplish leaving and think about the possible outcomes.
Good luck
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ready to pack up and leave

Comments (2)

moodyblue_2007

sarahl

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