This story is heartbreaking. All children deserve to be loved and have a place called home that is safe, comfortable and full of love.

That is the sad truth isn't it. With a little luck some of the "young wives" that have posted here lately will take a good long look at this. They need to wake up and smell the coffee. These poor kids!

It may seem sad, but to put it in perspective I'll share my own story, the condensed version anyway, just to show that the grass isn't always as green on the other side as it may seem to the uninitiated.

My parents didn't get divorced. They didn't move. They lived together in the same house. They were proud of staying together for the kids.

What a nightmare. The few times they went out they put on a good show for outsiders, acting like a normal couple. Others probably didn't know this "couple" lived in separate rooms on separate floors of the house, and rarely spoke to each other without raising their voices. Growing up between warring parents is a living hell. Screaming and violence were the norm, and when they were done beating up on each other, it would spill over onto me. To this day, my first thought when I hear the word "marriage" is a man and a woman in a house screaming at each other. I was about 13 years old before I fully believed that you were allowed to choose your own spouse. If mom and dad got to choose who they lived with, why wouldn't they pick someone they like?

"Home" has such a negative connotation for me. Home is where I was subjected to physical and psychological torture. (And worse, actually, but I'll leave out the really gruesome stuff for now). I'm amused when I see real-estate ads that overuse the word "home", like calling what should be a "house" a "detached home" instead. They seem to think the word "home" will conjour up all sorts of warm and fuzzy memories. But for some of us, going home was the scariest thought imaginable.

I have my own place now, but I'm rarely there. I prefer to spend my time at friend's places, out on the town, in hotels, anywhere but home. I love this neighborhood and the apartment itself is pretty neat, but being at home is inherently depressing.

As for this boy, in this age of email, Skype, blogs, and the like, it's never been easier to stay in touch with his buddies from his old school and distant family members. New school? What a great chance to meet hundreds of new people and make lots of new friends, friends he would never have met had he stayed in one place for his whole childhood. Sooner or later he'll realize that divorce involves spouses leaving each other, not parents leaving their kids. It's no coincidence that the thorniest issue in most divorces involves child custody arrangements. Children of divorced parents (and I know many) always face significant adjustments, but this boy should take some time and fully realize that given their parents couldn't salvage their relationship, their getting divorced, moving apart, and forming new relationships that can serve as a worthwhile model to follow was the best thing they could do for their son.

I would trade places with him in a heartbeat.

I am sorry that your childhood was so unhappy. No child should have to experience that. You may love or hate Dr. Laura Schlesinger...but she has written a book and made a CD (just out in January) called bad childhood, good life. It is a MUST READ (although I just got the CD...and the wisdom is unbelievable and incredibly worthwhile! She too had an awful childhood (which she talks about in the book, but not on the CD) and has such valuable advice on overcoming your past, so that you can have a good future. She has a unique way of seeing the past, and moving beyond it...forward...in a way that therapy does not do. I wish good things for you...I suppose it seems that people who have endured a childhood as you have, should be gifted with some really special blessings to make up for the pain and suffering endured. I wish this for you.

I also wanted to address the last sentence in your post. That you would trade places in a heartbeat. I suppose it depends what you were trading for. There must be many step-parent families that are happy places. There just must be. But, if you read this forum, you will read about step-families where the new young wife loves her new husband, but despises his children from a previous marriage. She has gone on and had her own "new" little perfect children, and she doesn't want his previous children in the picture at all...it spoiles her new little family. And so she trys to push those children out of the picture, so that she does not have to even see them. She wants to pretend that they do not exist. Very painful for most children...hence my posted letter.

Thanks, but I definitely *won't* be reading that book.... by coincidence, I just yesterday posted (in this thread) that another of Schlesinger's books I had picked up to read ranked as amongst the most ludicrious nonsense I could ever remember reading in a book. I put it down in disgust after 10 pages or so. Fortunately, real men, at least any that matter, don't think even remotely like what she describes.

There are certainly several excellent books out there for adults that had difficult childhoods ("Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward/Craig Buck is essential reading). I may just out of curiousity check out "Bad Childhood, Good Life" just to see what to Dr. Schlesinger constitutes an "awful childhood" - there seems to be quite a discrepency. I recently read another book, an otherwise excellent succeeding-in-business tome, where the author spells out how he worked his way to the top of a major consulting firm before starting his own successful business, despite having endured a difficult childhood. And why was is childhood so hard? He had to grow up in a really small town, isolated from other kids, with only a few other houses within walking distance. Poor thing! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that would be a major bummer not to be surrounded by the hustle and bustle of city life, or even the comfort of the 'burbs, whilst growing up. But let's not pretend that's a huge setback. I felt like asking that writer whether he thought he'd be so successful if he had to overcome a *real* childhood impediment, like a major disease or mental disorder, being a quadraplegic or amputee, or being sold out to a child pornography ring so his mom could support her drug habit.

I actually *don't* usually read this forum - I clicked on it by accident and then on this thread before I realized I wasn't where I thought I was - however I do know lots of children of divorced parents who've grown up in stepfamilies, and lots of parents now going through a divorce. In nearly every instance, efforts are being made not to drag the kids through the muck. The kid you spoke with is no doubt facing a difficult challenge, but it is not insurmountable and IMO not as tragic as you make it out to be. Still, even if things could be much worse, I do feel bad for him. It's not that I'm not empathetic to his predicament, just that i've learned that a key factor is recovering from a horrific childhood is to fully realize and appreciate how much in my life has gone right, and how blessed I am that I have what I do - good health and good friends.

In any case, what I really meant to convey in my last post was just that I thought it was beneficial to the kid that his parents got divorced, even if he doesn't yet realize it. Yes, it would have been even better if his parents had a strong, loving relationship and remained married, but given that couldn't happen, a child is truly better off not having his parents stay in a farcecal shell of a real marriage even if it means unfamiliar people and surroundings for the child.

Lee676... You wrote..."Sooner or later he will realize that divorce means parents leaving each other, and NOT parents leaving their kids" BUT for this boy, and many, many like him...it is in fact, about parents leaving each other AND PARENTS LEAVING THEIR CHILDREN, too. In this case, and in other divorces of children and adults that I know, the new young wife has given her new husband an altumatum. He either looses her or he barely sees his own children. In the case above, his new young wife is about to have "their" baby, and she does not want HIS son in the picture. This boys dad is now dad to her two children (who are younger than his boy is) and their new baby on the way. She moved out to make her point (the ultumatim) and his own father buckled....sobbing on the trip, he put his son in the car, and drove him several states away to live with his mother...who is now mother to two other children (girls). The father "chose" the new wife and her children, over his OWN son, and the boy knows it. And the father knows it too. The father feels guilty for the choice he made, but he felt that he had to make a choice. And he did. Now his new young wife is happy (she won afterall) at the price of a child, who knows that his own father sold him out.

If you have read my other posts, you will also read that there are a couple hundred thousand children who are foster children in the USA. Many are foster children because mom's new boyfriend thought her kids were a drag, and she did not want to lose him, so she gave up her own children. Others, because dads new wife (or girlfriend) doesn't want them around. And the grandparents won't take them.

Yes, I "get" that there are situations where divorce is indeed better than what exists in some homes. But there are perhaps far more homes where divorce really, really hurts children that no one really meant to hurt. They became the casualities of the new relationships that formed that did not include or want them in the picture.

Thank you to Lee for providing some well-needed perspective into this thread. Much of what he/she said rang very true to many experiences I have seen. I'll try to provide some balance, so that the "Eeeevil Stepparent" stereotype isn't left unchecked.

"Many are foster children because mom's new boyfriend thought her kids were a drag, and she did not want to lose him, so she gave up her own children. Others, because dads new wife (or girlfriend) doesn't want them around."

Don't you think you are overgeneralizing just a wee bit? You neglect to mention the legions of children who are cared for, nurtured, and loved deeply by their stepparents. Stepparents who, in some cases, provide more stability than birth parents. Who, also, give generously of their time and energy to their stepkids, while getting very little recognition or appreciation from the kids or society at large.

And, please, like Lee said, don't read Laura Schlesinger. Her ignorance is frightening.

callieandkarin, I want to respond first to your Eeeevil Stepparent stereotype. I do not believe that the stepparent is evil in general. Some of the step mothers that I happen to know are among my closest friends that I have known for years. They are all really good people. They are kind, smart, attractive, wonderful women. They are well liked by others. However, when each of these women have remarried, they each married men with children. In every case, I thought that if anyone could pull it off, these women could, because they each genuinely like children to begin with. But in each case, (of the women that I know who have married a man with children) each found it very difficult to like "his" children. Each went on to have new children with their new husband, and somehow things got worse. I am surprised that they cannot bring themselves to like...let alone love, his children, but they do not. Does that make them evil? Of course not. Does it make a wonderful loving environment for a child to grow up in and feel loved and accepted? Sadly, no.

Are there legions of stepchildren who are "deeply loved" by their stepparents? I hope so, but I personally do not know any. If there are, please comment on the forum. Are there legions of children who are taken better care of by their step parents than by their bio-parent...absolutely. Because many stepparents have exceptional character and will "step up to the plate" and do the right thing...regardless of how they feel. While the bio-parent may indeed be only self interested, even if their behavior hurts their own children.

My response was in response to lee676 saying that "sooner or later he will realize that divorce means parents leaving each other, and NOT parents leaving children". Often parents DO leave children too in a divorce. Most do not exactly mean too. It just "happens". They once lived at home with their children. Divorce happens and they remarry. They now see their own child every weekend or every other weekend, if they live nearby. But you have so many parents (and lets tell it like it is, and say fathers for the most part) who remarry someone, and he ends up seeing his children less and less. For many, many, many children...they only see their own father over summer break, and maybe a holiday or two , because he lives in another state, with his new wife and children. Or perhaps he does not live that far away, but his new wife gets upset when he brings his children to their house, and so the visits are dwindling down to lunch at mcDonalds or something. Yes, there are many that do their best to make the children feel a part of things...but there are many, many who don't...and you cannot pretend that does not happen in divorce. It simply does. Obviously not in every case, but in many, many divorces it does. Sadly.

In regards to your comment about Dr. Laura Schlesinger...you have a woman who rubs many people the wrong way...and many times...I disagree with something she has said, or I think that her delivery is rude. However, I disagree with your comment that she is ignorant. She has spent her life talking to people (including children) who need guideance with problems. I believe that she has a unique view from talking to people for the last (I don't know...30 years) that few people have. Whether I agree or disagree with her...I would never call her ignorant. And I respect that she will stand up (alone) on something she believes in, and will NEVER buckle to popular opinion or views, like most people do. They go along with what ever they think will impress others. It takes courage to stand up...alone...and say what people do not want to hear. I respect that because we never see anyone willing to actually do it. And take the heat for what they said, without trying to rephrase it or make excuses or blame. To simply stand up and say that they believe something and not back down to the masses. How many are willing to do that?

So ignorant? She is in no way ignorant. Controversial...absolutely.

Lee676, you wrote, as many people are commenting on, "Sooner or later he will realize that divorce means parents leaving each other, and NOT parents leaving their kids"
Sometimes it does mean that they are leaving the children, and on purpose. My parents divorced when I was 1 because my father was having an affair. A son came from that affair, but before the child was born, my father left that child and his mother to date another woman, who he is now still married to and has a daughter and step-son with.
I visited them every other weekend until I was 11 (to get why I left read my response to "just another stepchild" I wrote it a few years ago).
Anyway, my father never claimed his son. They got a test done, and he still didn't fight to get to see him. He went to visit them once when he was 2 and my step mother spanked him for playing with my then baby sister's toys (she's now 15), so he never went back.
As I said, I stopped going when I was 11, and to this day (I just turned 20), I only see my father about 2 times a year maybe. He calls me on my birthday, but that's the only time unless he needs information, which isn't often.

I've spilled enough for now, it's getting to be a long message.
AR_Dramaqueen

Hi Don na na! I am bumping this up because I wanted one of the posters on this forum to read this.

Hope you are doing well. you must be getting ready to head back to school soon. hope you have a terrific year!