I had the same issue with my husband over a year ago and i was really upset with him and felt bad for him at the same time. But the time came when i sat down with him and said enough is enough.
I told him: You decided to divorce with your ex. These are consequences and deal with them. stop mopping around and being depressed. I didn't marry you to have to deal with depression everyday., You accepted that your ex would have full custody of your kids and you have visitation rights. VISITATION! which means you do not raise your kids. You decided to let go of that right when you gave her full custody so dont complain to you are not in their life enough (she live almost 2 hours away) If it bothers you so much get off your A** and get more involved! or get 50 50 custody. STop whining! I will not give you any pity anymore. I'm your wife. I will support your decision in what you make but dont complain about things that were set in motion, accepted legally and then call the kettle black! Its doesn't cut it with me.
If you dont want 50 50 custody then be quiet and accept the time you do get them, enjoy it and stop being depressed even when you do ahve them cause they are not having fun with your face being sour!
He still to this day wavers every once and awhile but that was the wake up call for him. I have no pitty for any father or mother that divorces and make no effort in being active or using excuses. If you dont want to be active , dont but dont complain about and then ask for pitty. Cannot stand it.!
Have a looooong talk with your husband and if he wants to mope around do what i did iwth mine....i went out to enjoy myself and kept reminding him to cheer up and not discuss his exwife with me any longer unless it was a massive emergency.
His exwife boyfriend common law husband now, is also questionable with the kids. screaming at them and basically doens't like them. I feel very sorry for the kids but if my husband really wanted to do something then he should get off his A** and take custody if he thinks they are in a bad situation. THis is his business and i'm also sick of the ex as well with her games. She's just as bad. I told them both to shape up last year or both your kids will hate both your guts. Mark my words on this one!
It has already begun. His daughter doesn' tthink much of either one of them.

Treat yourself to a new hair cut!!! go out have a coffee!!! get into a routine that once a week you go out with the girls for coffee! MAke yourself happy! Do not depend on your husband to do this for you. Yes you feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for mine but i'm not his mother and he is doing it to himself. He needs to take control of the situation and make it positive. He has to fix the issues with his ex. Not you. You will only be blamed in interfering and looked upon as the bad one even though you have good intentions. THis must come from your husband.
Take care of yourself!!!

just to clarify we had the kids living with us up until the beginning of this school year and then the ex pulled a 180 on us demanded the kdis (the divorce gave her custodial and him visitation) and then didnt follow with visitation for most of this school year until I yelled at DH to stop letting her tell him what is going to happen and go and get his G.D. kids. At that time I bleh my top and told him to stop letting her control him and those kids she did not have legal custody all decisions still had to be made with him so enfore it.....

Part of the problem is that with this change and the fact that the boyfriend very obviously does have problems with his kids ( I don't think he wants to deal with kids that arent his especially DH's which can be VERY overbearing and over sensitive and at least one is ADHD) is that he does want to go after the kids and is working on it but until our money comes in (in about another 30 days) there isnt a whole lot he can do. Not, that he even knows what it is he really wants to do... custody or 50/50.

To be perfectly honest, I am scared to death of what might happen if he loses the court battle to come. With how things are now I am worried of what might happen when there isnt the possibility of hope ... I am scared to death I won't be able to handle the enviroment that may come with it ... I am not handling the current enviroment now very well (well as far as anyone else knows I am a rock but I know that I feel more like the last rock holding back the rushing waters and I am soo tired)

And thank organic maria maybe I do just need a time out once a week... so to speak

I understand you so well.

I am not even married and both mine and BF's kids are grown, but BF's ex and grown kids issues consume so much of our lives. Drama and crisis are ongoing. And now X's new BF adds up crisis to the picture. It is unusual when one week passes and no drama with X and SKs. SKs have problems with BM and her BF. My BF is caught in the middle. X and SKs situation is a huge source of stress in our relationship. What I try periodically is as soon as X and SKs are topics of our conversations, I start excesivelly talking about my X and what my X does. BF doesn't like to taste his own medicine.

I agree that all you can do is reserve some time for yourself and enjoy your own life and let him deal with his issues. I know it is tough...

That's great that you start yammering about your ex when the topic gets stuck on your BF's ex.
I've done that a time or two as well... (to varying degrees of success)

yes, you need to make sure you get time-outs when you need them and your husband also if he is not too far gone in the tunnel-vision that everything related to the kids must be first and foremost all the time. Is he aware of how all-consuming the custody child ex issues are becoming? Is he able to recognize you (both of you) can't sustain that focus indefinitely and continue to function effectively in life? Can he talk about needing to take time for yourselves without feeling like he is betraying the kids by taking focus off them for a time here and there?

It is a real problem when people are in long-term crisis mode for example with caregivers when a parent spouse child is seriously ill you get so focused on caring for that person to the exclusion of everything else. It's an understandable thought process-- loved one doesn't get a break from being sick I can't take a break from taking care of them-- but is not helpful if you get so exhausted and burned out, you can't function yourself, you can't effectively caregive, everyone suffers. It sounds like you are in similar crisis mode and husband is so focused on trying to fix the issues with his kids he is forgetting he has to take time out for himself and you are so focused on helping him you are also not taking time for yourself.

I can relate so well to where you are as I was there 7 years ago, and travel back there too often! As I think about it though I was the driving force behind the continued discussions . . .I'm a proactive thinker and a planner so I had to have a plan, and a contingency, and a back up to that, and what if she does this . . . . I think it gave me some feeling of control in a situation I had no control over. The 14 months during our custody battle were the worst I've ever had . . . and it was also the first year of our marriage, and our son was born a month after the battle ended!

I drove my husband crazy some days because he just wanted to get away from it for a while, as did I, but I would think of something else to document or another angle to think about and it would all begin again. I think it really is about fear, and about how people deal with it. Some, like you and my DH, can handle the fear of the unknown well and realize they can only do so much. Others, like your DH and I, have to keep going over and over it to make sure we are on top of it and doing all we can to be prepared.

I too can find my day spoiled by things I hear that happen with mom and her DH. I have to work very hard not to let it spill over to my family, even to this day. My DH gets upset, takes action if possible or realizes he can't change her and moves on. I'm not so lucky, and I often feel as tired and lost as you seem to . . . and I bet your DH does too.

I wish I could offer some great cure for this, but I can't. It is so hard to learn to let go and just trust fate for some, and I struggle to daily. Be understanding with you DH, but patiently remind him that there are somethings that are out of his control, no matter how much he tried to reel them in. That doesn't make him lesas of a person or parent, just human. Remind him that he has to have some happy to ofset the sad, and you do as well. My DH would declare a no custody talk hour, and we would have to stop ourselves from mentioning it. If we did, the other person got to pick the punishment. It was fun. :-)

I know this sucks for you, and you feel like there is no end in sight. There is - know that. It is just an uphill and rather slow road to travel. Hang in there.

Couple of times I repeated exactly what he said about his X or kids, I just turned it around to be about my X. My X is irrelevant to our relationship since I was divorced for 16 years but switiching topics helps a lot! aha It is almost funny, I don't know if BF knows I do it on purpose but he usually switches topic right away by saying: "let's stop talking about our xs and talk about us". Any time he starts nagging how depressed X is, or how SDs suffer because of her, or how they can't forgive their mom etc, I repeat: "Oh I know. Exactly what my X did" and then I start sharing or inventing details haha BF usually tolerate only few minutes of it. haha

You need to time for yourself or you will explode.
I've come to the point of being so tired of the BS and the fact that i cannot do anything about it so why bleed for someone elses problems?
Your husbands has to step up to the plate and stop beating yourself.
I've come to the conclusion with my situation that no matter how much my DH loves his kids, he cannot handle the responsibility. He has no patience and therefore he doesnt' not want custody in any fashion. Which works well with the ex because she wants to keep them until 18 years old for the cash. SHe told that to her daughter this year that after 18 she can go live with her dad.
Little does she know my husband will still take her to court to stop CS for the son since daughter will continue with school. Yes CS will stop on his part for his daughter since she will turn 18 in 6 years but CS for his son will continue until he is 18 years old. BUt since she wants to ship off her daughter to us at 18 years, my lawyer advised him he can stop the payments entirely since the daughter may live with us. THis way he will have some cash to give to her education. School is expensive. I've already told her myself she needs to get a parttime job at 16.
I personally will not have any teen, mine or my husbands kids without a parttime job under our roof. I'm not a bank, if they want a cell phone or go out with their friends, get a job and payfor it yourself.