goose

I don't see many different issues. I see mainly ONE. You and your DH need to be a team. The two of you need to sit down and discuss how this may affect your relationship. There have to be ground rules and he has to stand by you and not allow you to be treated badly. It's very important for you to approach it in a non threatening manner. Instead of saying that "she treats me like ....." or "you don't see how she treats me..." you should say "When she ignores me, it makes me feel like ....." or "I feel she's being disrespectful when she ....." If you express how YOU feel about behaviors without blaming, maybe he will see your point of view more clearly. It's a normal reaction to get defensive when you feel you are being attacked, even if there is a reason for the attack.

Once you are on the same page about what is/isn't acceptable with SD, then both of you should have a sit down with SD and let her know what it will be like. If there are rules, let her know what the rules are as well as the consequences. If she thinks she will get more things because you have more money, let her know your stance on that.(ie. if she will have to earn things or based on behavior, etc). When kids don't like one house, they always think it's going to be better in the other house and when parents allow the kids to bounce back and forth at will, it is NOT helping the kids at all. They learn to be more manipulative and doesn't teach them about learning to handle or deal with problems in life. They just keep running to what they think is easier.

That's just my opinion.. good luck

as for the husband thing...oh we talk, and we talk, and we talk...and we always try to stand united and hes all with it, until it starts happening, then he falters from the unity that we discussed. its very frustrating for me. Oh, and I did mention to hubby that things would have to change when she came back, and he said oh yeah? like what? and i was absoilutely blown away that he was being that insensitive and naive after all our "talks" so i told him again, and he was like, ok, we'll see what happens. UGH!!!!

As far as her moving back, thats what one of my top issues are...she is being taught that anytime she isnt happy, she can just "start over" just because SHE isnt happy, because you know the world revolves around her..and i tried to point that out this weekend, and he told me in so many words that i was being hateful.

i have tried talking to her on numerous occasions, and i get lied to my face, eye rolls (which i FULLY understand some of that is her age, because i remember doing it to my own parents too)but she has become just an overall miserable, unhappy person who feeds off of making our home life just as miserable, and that is what i fear will happen again. she constantly wants and wants and takes and takes from us, financially and emotionally.

it made me NEVER want to come home after work, because i didnt want to deal with her and her ever changing "self-induced issues" and i know thats how it will be again, just judging on her visits with us.

i feel like i am at a fork in the road..I just dont think i really want to live with all this uneccessary stress, yet how much more can i work on it?

The world DOES revolve around your children. They are supposed to take and take, financially and emotionally - that is why they are called dependents.

It is not surprising that she doesn't want to live in an environment with a mother's BF whom she doesn't like (I assume they live together, since she has to share her stuff with his daughter?). There is also the possibility that she is being sexually abused by the BF.

Yes, the world does revolve around our children, to a degree. when they are old enough to manipulate and only want things just because, the lesson in life is you must achieve, not expect, which she does, because what her BM has taught her and what she has gotten. She is old enough to take resposibility for her actions, and she wont and she doesnt think she has too.

as for not wanting to live eith her BM, she used the same excuse for moving down there because she didnt "like" me or my son, because she was having to share the bathroom and the house with him. one of the main reasons she wants to move back is because we have more money than her BM, and her BM wont spend any money on her, she uses it for her own selfish purposes (dinner with the BF, house furnishings, so forth) and she wants us to spend more money on her, because darn it she "deserves" it. she is a very selfish girl.

as far as being sexually abused, thats always a relevant concern, but we have no concerns with that particular venue at this time or have had at any time.

It sounds like the sd has learned how to play her parents against eachother and thinks she can move back and forth between homes. She thinks the grass is greener in one home, and it is for a while. Once things settle back into reality she wants to start over at the other parents home. Both parents probably spoil her to an extent when she comes to their home and when it ends she is ready to go live with the other one. Letting her go back and forth for no good reason is not helping her, only teaching her how to manipulate people. IF there is nothing harmful going on at bm's home I think it is ridiculous for her to move back and forth.

Yes TOS, kids are supposed to have the world revolve around them to an extent. But I think this is too much. Does bm know that sd wants to move back in with you and dad? How does she feel about it? Maybe you and dad should sit down with sd and lay out some ground rules before she comes back to live with you and tell her if she wants to live with you she needs to follow those rules.
1. Respect all members of the home and be kind to them (no sarcasm or rudeness)
2. Chores (responsibilities) will be expected of her and maybe an allowance will be earned for doing them (she will not be handed money all the time like she thinks-she will have to earn it)

etc.....

And start these rules with her on her visits. She may change her mind about living with you when she sees it may not be a fairy tale...or she may come to live with you and it could work out wonderfully! Either way hopefully it will help the situation.

BM has NO idea yet, which to me at least, proves that it is detrimental to let her move back before school ends. to me, this also shows her mainpulative tactics to continue to move where she thinks the grass is greener, so to speak.

When her BM finds out...it will NOT be a pleasant time for anyone involved.

Oh my. This kind of moving back doesn't sound too good. Unless you all are on the same page it would effect your marriage. I finally got the guts to tell BF that i will not tolerate his daughter's constant plan changing. She ruined another weekend by first telling she comes home, so dinner was cooked but then she didn't show up runing our plans. Then in the morning saying she needs to be driven to college at 11, then "forgetting" she needs to be taken to do her hair at 1PM, then saying she needs to be driven at 4PM etc. Ruined two weekends in the row by changing plans every few hours. I finally said: I am not doing this anymore, it effects our relationship, if she changes plans again and go along then didn't count on me, i am going to do my own stuff. Kids come first, but there is a limit!

FD ... you confuse me .... Not trying to pick a fight but ....

On another post you talk about its ok for children to be messengers and be number one.... but here you are promoting BF to do it alone....

Truthfully while reading your posts I have to go back and and check to see who is posting you switch sides so often never know where you stand.

I am hoping I am not the only one who sees it.

Just as you said on another post you have to look at the whole picture... I think you need a better camera.

This post ... dad needs to get mom on the phone and let her know what his daughter is asking and get mom's version .. as I see it ... dad's going to let the daughter back in with out any "guidelines" because he knows it will piss mom off. Doesn't teach daughter a positive thing just if she whines enough she gets her way and she wins!!!!

I agree, but when my husband does try to be cordial to her, she flies off the handle, and has her BF get involved, (like calling us and threatening my husband) and ends up just making a huge mess of everything. thus the issues begin...

Well, I think you might actually understand MY frustration...lol

That's pretty much how it feels when my step daughter's mom calls to change things at the last minute all the time. Once in a while is no big deal. Every week, I have anxiety because she does it so often, I never know what's going to happen. I can only imagine my SD's anxiety. It's always tense on Friday and plans get ruined on a regular basis. (I actually had physical stress/anxiety until 2pm on Friday because that's the time she's supposed to pick her up and we never know if she actually will. Come to find out, she went an hour early and took her out of class early again, without telling DH.)

cawfecup, I don't know what you are talking about. i have a balanced view on things, which means that sometimes kids should come first, sometimes BMs, sometimes SMs etc Depends on a situation. I don't advocate that every SK is a monster but I don't think that every SK is an angel either etc. If you want me to proclaim some kind of stereotypical opinion on step-situations it is not going to happen.

As about messengers i never said it is OK with young children. I said when we talk about adult children or people far away geographically it is inevitable that grown children sometimes have to pass the info.

BF's DD is a grown woman, she is not a child. And if i have to constantly rearrange my plans because she changes hers every few hours, I do not have to drive myself crazy, I have my own kid and parents, and demanding job and other responsibilities. Constant plan changing makes my life chaotic and difficult and it effects other people in my life.

Kids come first doesn't mean they can run everybody's life and control everyone, they still have to be considered. Yes, BF is the one to talk to her about it not me. He actually did and she promised to be more concious of her plan changing routine.

maybe I fail to point out that neither I nor SO have minor children. So of course expectations of little kids and women in their 20s are very different. And yes my opinion depends on a situation. i am open minded.