well, i can relate on some level. SD BM was always buying her cheap clothes that were always two sizes too small, as SD also has a weight issue, just so that we had to continue to buy her new clothes that did fit, but unlike your situation, we found out later that BM was keeping all the new clothes and better shoes that we were buying, as they are the same size(they both have weight issues). Sickening, isnt it? Anyways, we finally got to the point, as you did, not to send her with "bumpkin" outfits, just not the newest ones as well, since we were basically buying clothes and everything else for the BM.

When we confronted BM about it, she just sat there and lied and threw a huge temper tantrum. Eventually, the SD figured that those clothes, shoes, makeup and things were supposed to be for her, and by gosh, she kept them, or she just decided what to bring on her own. Of course, she was old enough to decide that, it was just her having to figure it out on her own.

Does your SD notice this as well or is she not old enough yet to know whats happening?

Here's a great one along these same lines:
I've mentioned before that A__ is half Aboriginal and that he used to see his biological paternal grandmother when he was young (we'll call her BPGM)...
Well, BPGM used to have A__ for a weekend here or there and BM would send clothes for him. NOTHING ever came back - I mean NOTHING.
BM sent him with shoes AND rubber boots for a sloppy day in the spring, and BPGM sent him home home barefoot. BM would send three extra pairs of undies and he'd come home in just pants with no underwear underneath. She'd send him in a sweater and a jacket with an extra sweater in his bag, BPGM would bring him back in a t-shirt without the sweaters, jacket or even the bag.
BM eventually kicked up a fuss (and as she well should have!) and BPGM's reply was "So what? Indians share their sh!t."
Needless to say, BM informed BPGM that sharing her own "stuff" or stuff she bought for A__ was perfectly fine, but "sharing stuff" that didn't belong to her was better described as "theft".

Of course, to put BPGM in perspective, she was once watching A__ at BM and BF's home. A__ was a just a toddler and he threw up without warning (as toddlers sometimes do). Her version of "cleaning it up" was to pour half a jug of bleach on the puke and push the footstool overtop of it. She didn't wash A__'s face or change his shirt or give him a drink of water to rinse his mouth. When they asked her why she didn't do any of that her answer was "Meh, kids puke."
Thanks, BPGM, for ruining the living room carpet and the footstool, for making the house smell like bleach and puke, and for letting the baby stew in vomit for the afternoon. That's some quality caregiving.
This is also the same woman who told A__ that since my BF wasn't his "real dad", BF didn't love him and that he shouldn't call BF "Dad". (Remember -- A__'s so-called "real dad" has never met him, has been in and out of prison since before A__ was born, threatened BM's life while she was pregnant, and has never once expressed any interest in meeting or being involved with A__)

BM doesn't buy much for SD. Even though she's called for sizes like she's going to go shopping... she never did buy her new shoes. and when she called about her dress size, she was calling to ask what size flowergirl dress she wore at our wedding because she was going to have her in their wedding (a year and half later) and wanted to get her dress. Of course, it was stupid because it had been over a year and the dress we used had alterations so it wasn't an off the rack dress or dress size. BTW, she still hasn't gotten married, which BM kept calling DH to tell him her wedding plans for December. Those call finally stopped in December.

But back to the subject of SD knowing what's happening. I don't know. She says her mom took her to a thrift store to get clothes but now that she's living here all the time, she only wears the ones we buy her back and forth. The ones her mom bought her at the thrift store must be what she uses over there. The only thing we don't send her with on Friday is her new school shoes. She wears her old tennis shoes and we call them weekend shoes because they play outside a lot and get really dirty. She is almost outgrowing those and I will get her another pair of cheap shoes. The current issue is so stupid, but BM sends her back in socks that are low, the ones that you can't see when the shoe is on. SD likes those but during winter, I get her the ones that cover her ankles. She's been wearing the ankle ones but coming back in the low ones. Last week, she got all upset because her mom told her to bring back all the low socks. She has about 10 pair of them... well, if she has 10 pair of low socks here, that means she has 10 pair of ankle socks there. She lives here and only there on weekends and DH told her if she takes back all the low socks, she will have 20 pair of socks there and very few here. She still has about six pair of ankle socks left. (she wears the low ones around the house) She says she lost the ankle socks at her moms so trading isn't an option. Again, it's so ridiculous to have an issue over SOCKS.

As far as her "things", SD has decided her toys are her toys. She's taken all her video games for her hand held over to her mom's. She was all upset when we were going for a day trip and she wanted to use her hand held in the car. She says she lost them over there. She also took her electronic keyboard and doesn't know where it is. She's taken other toys or items and even though they are 'her' things, she sneaks them or doesn't tell anyone she's taking them, just puts it in her backpack. Well, a few weeks ago, she came back from her moms. DH was tucking her into bed and she started wailing. She is crying and upset because her mom's BF has a daughter that is a year younger. She thinks all those things she's lost are being used by his daughter while she's not there. She afraid they are taking her things or using them while she's not there. She wanted to go live there so she can make sure nobody is touching her things. DH told her that those are her things and if she wants to take them, he can't stop her. They are hers. But she has to remember to bring them back or not lose them. and if she takes them, she can't move over there just to keep an eye that nobody else is using them. He told her that if she takes things and loses them or leaves them there, she won't have them here, and she's here most of the time. Of course, he also told her that she has to tell him when she's taking things because often, he will say go play with your .... and she says, 'it's at my mom's' and he didn't know. She has also taken things that are not 'hers', like DVD's and PS2 games. Those are too expensive to be losing.

X used to bring all DD's clothes back but sometimes unwashed. Until I asked him: am I sending you DD's dirty clothes? once he sent her back with horse back riding boots still covered with dirt in a bag. I didn't know what was in there, i opened it and dirt fell on my carpet. men...

This is kind of off-the-topic, but while were talking about s-kids and clothes in general, I want to share with everyone a nugget of wisdom IÂve learned the hard way (by bearing the brunt of it for years) that I can only hope my experience can at least prevent from happening to someone else. What IÂm going to say has to do with clothing and step*mothers* and step*daughters* in particular, and especially when the stepmother is NOT a maternal figure, and especially when the SD is puberty-age or older. (ItÂs these reasons that my post will be a bit off-topic, b/c I know that many of you are very actively maternal ---even if youÂre not officially custodial--- to s-kids of a very young age, some of them boys, so what IÂm saying wonÂt really apply to many of you.)

So hereÂs my cautionary tale:
My dadÂs GF (recently has become his wife b/c he has terminal cancer) came into my life when I was 13, right at puberty, literally the summer I had my first period and my boobs & other curves first started to pop out. For most of us, this is an incredibly body-conscious, anxiety-filled time, and it was especially for me (or came to be so) because I have the kind of "ethnic" curvy features that Hollywood kinda sorta "tolerates" now (i.e. J-Lo) but definitely didnÂt in the late 1980Âs when stick-thin Michelle Pfeiffer, etc. were all the rage. DadÂs GF was/is (& loves, STILL, to constantly tout herself as) the "all-American" type (read: white Anglo-Saxon blonde) and was quite thin at the time (I didnÂt find out til last year that sheÂs been addicted to diet pills half her life, but thatÂs another story). Given the pressure the media puts on women (especially back then) to fit this incredibly narrow beauty ideal, she might have said to herself: "Hmmm... here I am, the new woman in this girlÂs dadÂs life... and IÂm 28 and probably in the prime of my life. I do everything within my power to achieve the "all American" beauty ideal with moderately good success, and here this kid is just starting her period and is smack-dab in the middle of puberty and doesnÂt, ---poor thing--- have conventional looks. And this is a tender age for girls in general... Maybe I should make an extra effort to find some way of helping her self-esteem and encouraging her to see herself as beautiful even though sheÂs not divinely blessed to be blonde and thin as a twig. Or maybe I should just steer clear of the subject of beauty/body for the time being. You know, until sheÂs passed through puberty or until IÂve known her longer than 2 days..."
No such luck for me, because apparently she decided within minutes of meeting me that I was vastly in need of improvement if I was ever going to attain the one beauty ideal she could envision in her narrow little brain. Literally within the first two days of meeting me, she was cornering me alone and giving me various "tips" on how certain pants could make my apparently repulsively large behind look smaller or my freakishly short legs look longer or my unacceptably wide hips look slimmer. She recited my litany of figure "flaws" to me like they were scientific facts and within two days I developed newfound body image issues that haunted me for years (a few of them still do as I havenÂt been able to conquer them all 100%). Clothes were the means by which she criticized me, and they were the "veils" she would propose I could "hide" behind. Every single Christmas was hell, with an annual recap of her assessment of the various ways I was inadequate and in need of covering up or minimizing with her parking me in front of a mirror and dressing me in the garments of her choice and saying things like: "See how this skirt I got you draws the eye away from THAT area? It makes you look like youÂre... THIN!!!" (All of this in front of my dad, btw.)
Thin?! Hot damn! Meanwhile, IÂve never weighed over 110 pounds but apparently in her eyes I was morbidly obese. Naturally I developed anorexia the next year (right after one of these Christmas body scrutiny episodes) and starved myself down to 82 pounds. Thankfully (miraculously, really, b/c most anorexics struggle with the disorder their whole lives) I "snapped out of it" after six months and have never looked back. This is probably because IÂve never had to live with her or see her more than a few weeks out of the year. I have been fortunate enough to have had throughout my life enough positive reinforcement from family, friends, boyfriends to trump her negative influence and can honestly say now: "Wow, so-and-so says IÂm beautiful and sheÂs right!" or "Every boyfriend IÂve ever had has loved ogling my big round butt... they canÂt ALL be blind or deranged!"
The point of sharing all of this is to remind some SMÂs to PLEEEEEEEEASE have some extra compassion and awareness about ANYTHING to do with clothes, body, weight, beauty when youÂre dealing with an SD. And never under-estimate the sensitivity of these issues and their potential effects. Especially when you first come into their lives, and especially when they are between, say, 11-18. It sounds so obvious, but my dadÂs GF clearly didnÂt "get it", and in fact she justified it to herself as "helping" me, and I fear that she may not be alone. And even though I myself have thought the explanation for her behavior must be simply that sheÂs an evil troll, itÂs possible that it was just plain ignorance. Which, of course, is still no excuse but it explains how someone who thinks theyÂre doing the SD some kind of *favor* can wreak havoc on their self-worth for life. Possibly without realizing it. If my dadÂs GF had taken the time and energy to develop a real relationship with me or to show the slightest proof that she felt actual affection or any vaguely maternal altruism, or even genuine friendship, or if she had ever ONCE deigned to throw a COMPLIMENT my way mixed in with all her thinly-veiled slurs, perhaps the situation would be different. IÂm not saying NEVER offer your opinion or the feminine wisdom and beauty advice youÂve learned and want to share because you sincerely want your SD to look and feel as good as you know she can. IÂm not saying avoid the subject of clothes/body entirely in relation to SD (thatÂs impossible). But make absolutely sure that she has no doubt that what you tell/buy her is coming from a truly positive, confidence-AFFIRMING motive. I know you all want your s-kids to look good, but especially when it's an SD and a possible "weight issue", TREAD LIGHTLY and with extra doses of LOVE and COMPLIMENTS!

I had the same view of the clothes and toys at first. It is only after time and time again of things being 'lost' or 'broken' or just plain never returned that we have had to put our foot down and say what is here is here. You can't take things back and forth. Hopefully, this problem will solve itself when the kids are older and can make their own decisions on clothes and such...but, for right now... our only option is to make sure what clothes we buy stay at our house and they just go home in the clothes that bm sent them in. It is ridiculous but... when you look around and realize that almost every single clothing item has gone to her house and she didnt send a single thing back and not only that for whatever reason she dressed them in shorts and the temperature is dropping to below 30... something has to give. We simply don't have the money to continously buy clothes over and over again. And, it is not like she even dresses them in the nice clothes that we buy... I don't know if it is laziness or if she is just poed that I am the one that bought the clothes... but either way it is juvenile and well just plain mean to force your child to go to school in illfitting, ripped, stained.. and occasionally not even clean clothes when there are perfectly good clothes at your disposal.

And, with the toys... they NEVER come back. And usually after about a month of asking again and again oh well... it got lost or it got broken. So, no more toys go back and forth. Especially, the big ticket christmas items like guitar hero.... and the new cd player and ipod. I am sorry but no way is that going to get broken or lost.

The kids have started seeing it. My middle son decided that none of his football stuff (trophy cards etc) including his really cool team jacket is going over to his moms... His words "this is really special and there is no way I am going to take it over there just so it happens to get messed up"

It is sad when things get so bad that the kids start learning what is going on.

And Fine .... that is nothing BM has sent poo stained clothes back dirty (when they were living with us) and During football season stuck all of the boys wet football gear into a plastic bag... let it sit in her trunk like that so a week later the boys had football gear that was still wet and stank to high heaven.. DH was pissed even more so because he had asked for the gear days earlier to make sure it got cleaned before the game... "I can take care of it" was the snotty reply... Apparently she did a bang up job of it.

Serenity

You make a great point, but I also need to point out that it's not only SM's that do that, although they should get to know the child before saying ANYTHING. My mom was the worse... even today she can't keep her comments to herself. She's actually come for the holiday and will say "you're getting fat" if she sees any change in weight, which isn't unusual around the holidays. She does this with me and my sisters. She made a comment to my daughter when she was 8 and to this day, my daughter has struggled with her body image. She only wants to drink diet soda because grandma told her she is going to get fat. (my daughter is now almost 18)

When I noticed my SD had a weight problem, I never mentioned it to her but DH and I talked about changing her diet. When she complained about not having soda or sweets, we just told her we are all trying to eat healthier. Of course, her mom threw a fit because she thought we were being unfair to her DD. SD gains weight every time she goes to her moms for more than a few days. We don't say a word, we just keep on with healthy food at our house. I cook all our meals from scratch. Of course, SD complains about whole wheat bread in her school lunches and apple juice or milk so BM gives her whatever she likes over there.... corndogs and spaghetti O's or other prepackaged food. (she doesn't know how to cook, so that doesn't help) We're a little concerned about this summer because she will live with her mom all summer and visit us on the weekends. She went up two pant sizes when she went on a ten day trip with her mom. I had issues with my mom talking about my weight a lot as I was growing up (either too thin or too heavy, it was never okay) so I won't tell SD anything about her weight. She was being teased at school when she was overweight, which was very hard on her. I tell her it's up to her to eat healthy so she can grow up healthy and strong, and hoping that she makes better choices on her own but she loves junk food and usually eats until she's 'stuffed'. She's going to stop having so many growth spurts and of course we worry that she won't be able to 'thin out' like she has by eating right when she's here. We can't control what her mom does so we'll just see what happens.

iammommy, your DH's X sound crazy. I bet you her house is a mess since nobody can find anything. And maybe BM wants socks back because she doesn't want to wash dirty ones...hahah what a mess

ima, we should compare war stories, a battle of the bm's so to speak!! hee hee

as about negative comments. My BF recently expressed concern that his DD is getting heavy because she does it a lot. She isn't skinny, but heavy??? Not at all. He said something like he doesn't know how to give her a hint. i was terrified, he never comments on my weight or anyone's weight. why would he do it to his own DD? I was so scared, I begged him to not say anything to her. My dad said that to me couple of times that i am gaining weight. And I am not heavy at all. It hurt anyways! people can be so insensitive!

My SD is 12, is 5'4", and weights 140lbs. She is in the 95th percentile of weight for her height and age. She is taller than just about every kid in her class, and heavier than most of them. She is also in the throes of puberty.

As you can probably imagine, she is feeling ugly, fat , and unloved by her peers right now. The pressure on young girls to fit a standard that only a few can naturally fit, is unbelievable today.

SD has two stepsisters who are thin and petite, as well as being good students, and calm quiet individuals. SD is compared to those girls in every way, physically, and academically, and personality.

My SD is never going to find it easy to be thin, since her father (my husband) is 6'6, and large boned, and she takes after him.

Her mother is 5'7, and over 200 lbs. Her mother openly states how she hates being fat and how much she despises thin women. But her mother does nothing to help SD keep her weight under control, and , worst of all, her mother buys SD clothes that are several sizes too small, because she wants to shop in the girls section rather than the adult section. SD isnt built like a little girl, and shoving a 12 year old who fits into a womens petite size ten into a girls size 16 , only makes SD look grotesquely out of place, particularly since literally EVERYTHING mom buys is hot shocking pink, or has cutesy slogans on it, like my little princess. Very cute on a six year old. Not so cute on a tall , heavyset teen. ALL of SD's pants have elastic waists, and all of her shirts are tee shirts.

I stayed out of it for the longest time, but I finally got tired of seeing her dressed in clothes that do not fit and do not reflect her age, or what teens wear these days. I took her shopping and started buying her clothes that fit, from good quality stores; things that were fashionable, like roxy shirts, etc. There isnt a pink item in the bunch though :)

SD was thrilled. I havent ever seen her so happy and she confessed to me that her mother doesnt allow her to try things on in the dressing room, and that things are bought for her without her even being there and saying if she likes them or not. Again, works at six years old, not as a teen. One thing she said that disturbed me was that if she ( sd) says she likes something, her mother immediately finds a reason to take it back. I take that comment lightly, since kids sometimes try to play parents off against each other in order to get something from one or the other, but if its true, its twisted.

So, what happened to the clothes? SD took some of them to her moms house, and her mom refuses to let her wear them. SD must only wear them when she is at our house, and has to leave them here. SD wears uniforms to school so fortunately that doesnt conflict with clothes. Mom flat out refuses to allow the things we buy to be worn, although she does allow my stepson to wear the things we get for him.

I think mom is afraid to acknowledge that her girl is growing up, and is desparate to keep SD from being accepted and attractive to her peers. At my worst moments, I think the woman gets a payoff from seeing her own daughter rejected by the other kids, but of course thats probably my own prejudice against her that leads me in that direction. I know mom isnt happy with herself, and I truly believes she doesnt want her children to be happy with themselves either. If they have friends, then they wont need mom as much , or some such mixed up thinking.

I actually feel very very sorry for mom, because I think her self esteem is non existant. I know she doesnt like herself much. Her method of dealing with it is sometimes hard to take though.

But I am even sorrier for my stepdaughter. To be treated as a little girl while in the throes of puberty, to stand out in height and weight from all the other girls in the class, to be constantly compared to your thinner, quieter, more intellectual siblings, is hell on anyone, never mind a young girl in todays world. On top of that, to have mom actively participating in comparing the girl....sigh. It doesnt surprise me much that SD is having adjustment problems, now that she has entered her puberty years.

Ima, you're certainly right that this sort of super-negative criticism is by no means confined to just SM's. EVERY adult should approach these issues with sensitivity and care.

Kathline, it sounds in your case like BM is the negative one and that you are the one trying to *uplift* your SD's self-esteem with the clothes you pick, which I think is great. Such a big difference between that and how my dad's GF did things... which is wierd b/c on the surface it's very similar actions (picking out clothes for SD with attention to how they suit her body)... But I think kids can tell a difference in intent/delivery.

I still feel like my dad's GF had a perverse, mean motive (mainly evident by the fact that she NEVER paid me a compliment, among other very self-serving and nasty behaviors) but even as bad as our relationship has been I also think she in some wierd way felt obliged or driven to "help", even if at root it was just to elevate herself in her own or my dad's perception or to attempt some strange form of bonding with me to ease her own sense of awkwardness in the new situation. In her case, her obsession with her own looks made her excessively critical and narrow in her perceptions. She still, truly, can't comprehend, for example, why anyone would find a brunette as attractive as a blonde, or see the sexiness in a voluptuous, healthy female figure. Anyone "exotic" (i.e. "ethnic") she confesses she simply doesn't care for aesthetically and gets a reading of "b!tchy" off of. (Truly. And this she told ME, the raven-haired, olive-skinned, green-eyed, Roman-nosed Jewish-Italian girl. For what purpose, I don't know.)

I don't see that narrowness or mean-ness as being the case when parents (step or otherwise) are concerned about REAL serious weight problems because they are a health issue. Maybe, if anything, I'd say the health aspect needs to be how it's framed to the kids, even if you're also concerned about the self-esteem issues that could result from *other kids* criticizing their weight. There should always be a line maintained, though, where if they're within a *healthy* weight you should encourage them to feel good about how they look even if they're heavier than the thin beauty ideals. But if they're not healthy, they should be told something like: "When you drop to a weight that's healthy for who YOU are, you will feel better and look fantastic." (Or *come up to* a weight that's healthy..." if the child is unhealthily thin!)

Serenity, I think her motivation was about making herself feel better. She probably has very low self esteem. I don't think she was ever trying to help you. I'm not quite sure if she was trying to destroy your self esteem, I think it was more about her own issues though.

insecurity is the word I was looking for.

I had this issue so many times with my skids when their mom lived in state. She would pick them up unexpectidly so they would be dressed nicely..then she would show up at 6 or 7am the next day and drop the kids off in pj's that were too small and not give back the nice clothes. This happened several times and we began asking her for the clothes back and got excuses such as "they are in the wash" or "next time-I forgot". It was irritating! She would pick them up for overnite from school at times but return them to our house before school the next day in raggedy clothes. The last straw was when my oldest sd, who wore a bra started coming home without bras...her mom was keeping them there! Sd woud put on pjs and then bras would disappear she said!!! The last time she came home in no bra (u could tell by looking at her) and ss, who was 3 came home in a onsie that was so tight it would not snap, was just tucked in!!! A onsie on a 3 year old!!!

My dh called bm and complained. Told her she was picking them up from our house and dropping them at school from then on, because he knew she would not send them to school dressed badly. We sent them to her in old clothes she had sent them home in and she was forced to send them to school in our nice clothes!

For years my SD'd mom would do the same - keep the nice stuff and send her back in jammies, sweats, etc. We tried sending lists, we tried emailing - it rarely worked. She would tell SD that she paid support so she didn't have to buy clothes, so if SD needed clothes there they would have to come from our house. Never was this disucced with DH so an arrangement could be made - if needed. The punchline is she worked for a clothing chain that had it's own seperate children's line - and she had a huge discount!!

I would always make sure the entire outfit SD came back from visitation in - down to the socks - went back washed and nicely folded, hoping it would set an example. I wouldn't have cared if clothes came back dirthy just to have them back!

As SD is almost 13 I have really put the responsibility on her. She knows what things go to what house and what she needs to bring back. If she doesn't, and finds the next week she needs her certain jeans for spirit week she is SOL. I quite driving to pick them up over a year ago.

Serenity, Ima's onto something, but I'd be harsher & call it jealousy.

I think that jealousy is a lot more common than we like to think-
just read the ugly things on this thread.

A 30-something woman whose identity & power are based on her sexual attractiveness is not going to put up with fresher, more youthful competition, & undermining the younger woman/girl suits her purpose to a tee.

If you had been the thin blonde & she had been the curvy dark beauty, this woman would have tried to "help" you by fretting, audibly, about anorexia, "touching up" your hair with a darker tint, picking clothes not suited to a thin blonde, etc.

She didn't do all that stuff because you weren't attractive;
she did it becaue you were.