oh boy can I relate to you!!! the only difference is my husbands ex never even came close to having a moment of reconciliation with anyone especially me. She has spewed so much venom and has told so many horrific lies that the people she constantly accosted now know that she is plain crazy. sometimes when you give people enough rope, they hang themselves. So in response to your post, She's no hero and I'm sure everyone knows it by now...take a deep breath, she's not worth it.

Oh girl! I could have written that post.

Just know that there are others who can relate to how you're feeling. Ditto Cindy--take a deep breath and repeat to yourself over and over: "what this woman says or thinks does not matter."

For your SS's sake, I do hope that Bm follows through with the counseling. But don't hold your breath.

Oh, I think you are right about that. The first time she doesn't hear it's all YOUR fault.. or not hers, she will not like going anymore. (if she even follows through now)

Well, you never have to be her 'friend'. She is not a hero, she is trying to manipulate the situation and any good therapist can see through that act. My SD's BM tried to put on a good face for the therapist but as soon as the therapist saw through it and said a few things BM wasn't willing to hear, 'poof!' she vanished from counseling. We continued to take SD without her and she protested, accused us of 'talking about her' and so on... The counseling sessions were focused on SD, not BM but her paranoia or guilt made her think we were talking about HER.

The goal here should be to co-exist, not be best friends or buddies. If she wouldn't be in your circle of friends or someone you would hang out with before you met your DH, why would you do that with her now? She is your SS's mom and if there is a way to diminish conflict, that would benefit everyone... especially YOU. She is probably not going to follow through and she will continue to damage her child unless she changes, which most people have trouble doing. She has to acknowledge that she is part of the problem and if she doesn't, she won't think she needs to change anything. She may think YOU are the problem and that is why she has invited you all to counseling. Either that, or she has done the damage and now thinks she can get a counselor to 'fix it'. When the counselor can't 'fix' her child or the problems aren't blamed on someone else, she will probably bail. I agree with Cindy, she will hang herself if you give her enough rope.

Yup! she will ditch the rest of the councilign the minute the psychologist tells her to admit and accept the blame for her behaviour.
Because you see, now that she' run out of steam after 5 years with you using her son...she has to vindicate herself through a professional and also in her mind she is mother of the year doign this for her son and at the same time proving to anotehr party how much of a bad person you really are.
Until the moment the coucilor turns it about with the truth in front of her son and she will storm out.:) Yes, she will go back her ways again...
So co-exist as best as you can even though you are screaming inside yourself but this is just another ploy...people like this do not change so quickly..and sometimes never..my hubby ex its been 8 years..and she is just worse but we've done a darn good job keeping it minimal and i completely disengaged myself from her and her kids.
They are polite or just ignore me all together. And i dont mind at all! i'm not hurt if they dont like me anymore because i've accepted that Bm has poisoned those kids.
Soooo...coudos to her if she thinks she is helpign her son. She made the damage, she shoudl clean it up but if she thinks the council will look to you and say you are partially to blame...she's going to have a BIG disappointment.!

I could have written this one, too! We're on our third or fourth attempt at being 'BFF's' right now though, and each time I care a little less about getting along with this woman. SD is old enough now that she gets her mom and gets the situation, so having to pretend to like her isn't so needed, I'm just careful to always be respectful and tactful.

SD's mom decided to do the counseling thing once her marriage to her new hubby started to be affected by her struggling relationship with SD, as well as DH and I. I don't think it was out of desire to improve that, just to improve her overall life so her DH didn't leave. Could something like that be fueling your SS's mom's fire?

A change in tactics after 5 years, people dont go from hatred to cooperation overnight..Right, was has changed in your , or her circumstances recently? Would be highly skeptical of a complete turnaround...Another ploy to get some reaction from you?

UGH, what a mess! Reminds me so much of BM in my case. This woman stayed in hiding for 2 1/2 years after handing the kids over to us, blocking her number before she called and refusing to give DH her address. I started a home marketing business and my new phone package blocked people who hit *67 before calling our number...I didn't know that! BM didn't call once for 3 months...when she finally did call using a "friend's cellphone" she told the kids that she couldn't call because her father and I had blocked her and all of her family from calling our house. Had SD in tears thinking we specifically blocked her from calling. This was the first time I got on the phone with BM and gave her an earful. All she had to do was NOT hit *67! In fact the recording told her that! Do not block your number and try again!

It seems like if this is really going to work your SS's Mom has to be ready to accept her responsibility for the hostility over the last few years...No doubt that if she talks to the counselor she will be blaming you...but of course if the counselor has any proper training at all they will immediately see right through her and see the source of the problem.

Does she REALLY want to be civil and get along with you or is she just saying "Let's let the kid see us being civil" ? Of course there is a really big difference between the two.

HA! I love the perspectives I get here that I didn't think of on my own. No, she doesn't really want to be civil she really did say "it would be good for him to see us interacting normally" She didn't say let's do this, she said play pretend with me. hmmmmm...

As to what brought it on.....SS does really have some issues. It is my feeling that if nothing is done to help him he could be that kid who takes a gun to school 5 years from now. I'm not saying that to be mean or discriminate SK vs BK, but he's a REALLY ANGRY 9yo. So, I'd asked my DH to talk to BM about how he's acting there, and what they do to correct his bad behaviors. She said she was looking into counseling but thought that DH would throw a fit. So for the first time in 5 yrs they agree on something being helpful to their son.

I don't doubt that his behavior is causing problems in her marriage. I know he's caused a few in mine, and as mothers I think we often protect our babies and can be defensive of them. I'd imagine it had to get pretty harry for her to admit she's not perfect, can't fix everything and needs some help.

I have a 13yo DD, her dad and I have been separated/divorced for 10 yrs. He has since married two women, neither do I really like, I would not chose them as my friends, but I have ALWAYS been polite, and encouraged my DD to treat them well. That's part of what makes me crazy about this chick is she's acting like she just invented the wheel. I've been sucessfuly coparenting for 10 years and she just had the realization that the kid benefits if the parents can talk without screaming. amazing.

I relate SO very much to your post. I'm SM and my DH's EW has a track record of bad-mouthing my husband and I in front of the kids. I'm convinced that it is a control-mechanism and means to manipulate our life. As the custodial parent, she has so much influence on how my SS's think and are react to things. They tend to take on her opinions and her views, even at 7 & 9. It's terrible that she can't chose to do what's best for them, but instead, choses to keep making our life and the boys lives miserable by corrupting their opinion of me.

In the beginning, they were VERY hateful to me and when asked why they were being so hateful, they would say "My mom says I can be hateful to you because she doesn't like you". It's terrible to hear there words out of the mouths of 5 and 7 year olds. They shouldn't be concerned with the dynamics of our dis-like for each other, but instead with legos and pokemons! :) Since then, they have grown to recognize that their mother speaks out of anger and not out of truth. I do my best to show them love and support and I NEVER speak negatively about their mother in front of them. Instead, DH and I focus on teaching them love and on showing them that we only talk nicely about others. They are learning these character traits and they are sweet(er) from it.

Just the other day, SS7 got up from his lego castle in his room, approached me while I was knitting on the couch and said to me, "You're my best-friend", then turned around and went back to his lego castle. She can try to taint their minds all she wants to, but I trust that they will chose for themselves how to see us!

I would never bite at the invitation to be friends with her. I DO NOT trust her motives. She NEVER has their best interest at heart, so I would know that she is planning to 'profit' in some way from the attempt to befriend me.

My Dh and i know BM does this because the kids tell us that she bad mouths us. SHes' been warned not to but continues. Now the kids know its a jealousy issue and they do not speak of it.
I remember Sd telling me 'my mom says she doesn't like you and that you interfer' My response: your mom doesn't know from a fly on the wall. SHe doesnt know me well enought to hate or like me. And have i ever said anythign bad about your mother to her or you guys? No...so.....your mother is saying she doesnt like me becaue i make your father happy. Sd response: i know, i think she is jealous and my GM says it too. HER own mother says agrees with us! I've told my Sk that their mothers problems are hers and her hateful sayings should not be allowed to bother you. If you do not like waht you are hearing go outside and play and tell your mom to stop it.
They've been punished for it but they are older now and i think BM is runnign out of fuel.
I honestly dont think she that bad. i think she's imbittered and angery at my DH. She sees he's happy and hates it. BUt on the other hand maybe she wishes he could have tried more intheir marriage...i've never know.
BUt the way she behaves, i want nothing to do with this woman. I also do not trust her. Her behaviour for 8 years have proven she is manipulative and backstabbing. And very negative.....so negative it affects relations with her own sister and parents. And the kids see it big time! So they realize that Bm is not so truthful. But who knows..well see what happens in 10 years.