I just want to add that my husband's twins live much farther away the other daughter.Yet my husband has a great relationship with them.And they have never lived with us or seen him that much either because of the distance.He flys them up here every summer and they stay with us and are great kids!They love our daughter and really took her under their wing.
The other daughter hates them too.So it is all of us that she doesnt want to get along with.

I dont really want to hear we should keep trying.How much do you have grovel and go through when it obviously doesnt work? I feel if and when she wants a relationship,she will let him know.Until then,we are not doing anymore for her.

CoolMama,

Sorry about what you are going through. It can be typical of some of the interaction between dads and kids who have been absent in each other's lives. She may not have same filial bonds with the Dad, and may simply see him as a donor.

I can understand your husby has good and honorable intentions of getting to know his daughter. But it will take quite a bit of work when she moves in. Some of the things you can do is to

-- sit down with her and lay down your expectations of her when she moves in, and the consequences if she fails to meet those expectations.

-- adjust your own expectations: teenagers come with extra baggage (which is purely a consequence of developmental challenges). Even bio-parents have problems with their teenagers..how much more a step-parenting or blended-family situation. So, be read for some drama at the initial stages. And you may want to talk to your husband about this.

Above all, all you can do is continue to love. I really like the fact that your husband is drawing boundaries and not yielding to every demand by his daughter. This is a good start, and you can work from there.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing.

rgds, DrPax

"We cannot take her possibly seriously hurting our other daughter who is MUCH SMALLER AND ILL!!!"

You answered your own question.

I'm sorry.

Coolmamma,
Years ago I had a similar situation with my ex's SS.(I'll call him T) Yes it was ex's SS from his previous marriage. He and his 2 sisters(my ex's bio kids)were treated equally in our home. Visitation, christmas ect. T was a troubled child because of the way his mother raised him..(we suspected he was abused).. from a young age she never paid any attention to him, and by 11 he was allowed to hang out with kids that were 17 and older and these were not good kids, drugs, drinking, ect. But she didnt care as long as she didnt have to deal with him. Her neighbor used to keep my phone number by the phone... yes mine, in case of trouble with the kids (ex worked alot) and several times called me in the middle of the night when the kids were locked out and when T got in trouble. T came to live with us after one bad night when he was drunk with these older boys and they broke into an apartment. The cops came and the neighbor called me... and the cops called his mother at work. She came and told the cops to take him away... then turned to me and said... unless u want the little ba#@tard.. I took him, he was sooo starved for attention and was a good kid at heart... but I only realize a couple of months later that T was alot deeper into drugs ect then his mother had ever let on....one day I walked out to the barn and found him huffing gas.... my 6year old was with him... my 6year old had heart problem from birth and suffered a major stroke at 5 he was on medication and not a well child. I called EMS and called his mother. She told me he was my problem now. While waiting for the EMS my son told me T tried to make him do it too. (i suspect so he wouldnt tell) At that point I HAD to make a decision... try to help a kid I love that is really messed up or protect my younger son. I chose to protect the innocent child. T went to rehab and then back to his mother... It was hard but I had no choice. T continued to get worse over the years.. although he would stop over to see me and when he did he was that loveable lil angel that I wasnt able to help. The last time I saw him was before I moved from the area... he stopped over to tell me he loved me and gave me a big hug... It broke my heart. A year later (8mos ago)he died from a overdose... he was 21... There is not a day that dont think "what if" but in my heart I know that I made the right decison ... you cant save everyone so you save the child you were given to protect.

Sorry this was soo long! I hope things work out for you.

I agree with everyone else. You must protect your 8 year old daughter.

I hope your DH will continue his support payments and always remember his DD on birthdays and Christmas. My SD and SS are 20 & 23 now, but biomom was bitter, and when they were young teens it wasn't unusual for 1 or both of them to go months without speaking to DH for whatever reason. He's a pretty strict dad, so he didn't bend over backward to be a pal - but he insisted on visitations and never forgot a support payment, birthday or Christmas. Now that SS is older he realizes that biomom has issues and that dad has always been there and never held a grudge. 20-year-old SD still has some growing up to do :-)

My point, though I'm not explaining it well, is that years from now when your SD looks back on her troubled childhood it's better if she remembers that her dad never gave up. He always reached out and left the door open for a relationship.

I hope things get better soon.

God,thank you for the support! In the parenting part of this forum I was basicly told my husband and I are bad parents.Everyone thought we were so horrible for not sending her a christmas present,but didnt show any concern for my daughter.She is the ONLY baby I have and will ever have,and I have to protect her no matter what.
Going bonkers,that is such a sad story...but imagine that it couldve been your son too if you didnt protect him. SS could have turned him on to bad things.
I have actually been SCARED of my stepdaughter.She is bigger then me in height and weight,and a couple times she has even pushed me.(and boy did I go flying!)
So if she can hurt me,imagine what she could do to my little 8 year old.
Thanks so much for letting me vent and for being so nice.I have been holding this a while now.

Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do without putting yourself or an innocent child in harms way. Everyone has great ideas... counseling, ect... but I think until you go thru making a choice between 2 children, for safty reasons...you can only imagine what its like. It seems very few people really grasp how life threatining some of these problems are. I wish you the best of luck and hope your daughters health improves.

Your words mean alot.Thanks for taking the time to really give support and not just throw out judgements or critisism. There were times I felt like having a breakdown over it.I was....GOING BONKERS! LOL...

Hey there,

You did the right thing. No presents and not letting her live with you.
I had a similar incident over the christmas holidays. Not as violent but still the beginning of something which i cut short very fast and made my intentions known to my SS very hard and fast.
Your SD should never move in or come over without supervision. I think her father should call and keep in touch and see her out of your home away from your daughter for her health period. He obviously should continue child support. That is his responsibility as a father to his daughter. But her violent behaviour is to be COMPLETELY SHUT OUT OF YOUR HOME. Her mother has raised her obviously and has turned her against all. When she becomes an adult she will look back a realize. The fact that she hates her other 2 sisters is proof. Therefore, no attention given together will all the other kids. Safety reasons.
you see in my case now, my SS is learning to be a bully because his stepbrother in his mothers house is bullying him.
The incident over christmas.: He pushed my 14 month old cause he didn't want him to touch the piano he was playing. My 14 month old who is a little over 2 feet, weighs 24 lbs went flying across the room because of an 8 year old with issues. HIs sister told himoff immediately and told him not to push his brother. His response.: I didnt' push him.
A BIG LIE!!! Well, he didnt' notice me in the other room quietly watchign the whole event unfolding. After her said that to his sister, i came in the room quickly told him to stop lying and that i saw the whole thing. I unplugged the electric piano and said " if you cannot play nice or share you get nothing! and lying on top of it. Your father and I will not tolerate this behaviour. No bullying in this house to anyone. Now leave the room you will not play piano anymore because you lied and hurt someone.:
He went into the living room. an hour later did the same thing for playstation. I closed the machine on him in the middle of his game. Reinforced it again. He left after christmas and came back after newyears and behaved a 100% better. But i'll keep my eye on him. I'm tough , wont take any cr*p , not even from my own kid! orhusband:)
Respect is respect. And above all, safety for all!
Hope all things quiet down and your daughters health improves.
Maria

Thanks much Maria...you,and any other step moms should check out a website called STEPS FOR STEPMOTHERS. The support for stepmoms on that page is awesome.
I think YOU did the right thing by making it clear to SS not to push baby.
My stepdaughter has never regarded anything I've ever said.

The first time it happend,it was so...chilling.We were all at husband's dads house.SD and my daughter were upstairs in playroom with their cousin T. who is about a year or two older then SD.
He came downstairs to me and seemed like he was trying to tell me something.He was SO upset.He finally said that SD was slapping my daughter upside the head over and over and he was telling her to stop and she just kept sticking her tounge out at him.At the time my daughter was only 3!
The image of someone smacking my 3 year old in the head like that sent me through the roof.
So I grabbed my baby and took her outside and avoided SD the rest of her visit with us.My husband "talked" to her about it,but of course~it continued until last year when I said enough was enough!!!