Those are good questions. When my husband and I moved in together, both of our daughters were 5. My daughter could pick up her own toys, clear her own dinner plate, get her own glass of water, get her own cereal and toast in the morning, use the restroom alone, take a bath alone (execpt for drying off properly...that one's hard for kids), brush her own teeth, pack her own lunch for school (although I did have to check it), pick out her own clothes, dress herself, and tie her own shoes. My husband's daughter could do none of these things, mostly because no one had ever expected her too.

I wish now that I had made some kind of accomplishment chart because my SD always felt like I was picking on her when I told her to get her own glass of water or pick up her own toys.

My daughter may have been on the independant side, but by the age of 5 I feel your BF's children should at least be getting their own glass of water, picking up their own toys (when told...they probably won't do this on their own), using the restroom unassisted, tying their shoes, and feeding themselves (and I think they're also old enough to clear their plate).

I think a special treat is in order for learning the basics, such as shoe tying and using the restroom alone...something like, "When you learn to tie your shoes, we'll go to the store and get a treat," or whater they really like. Then practice these things and give lots of praise for their accomplishments, even just trying. All children want to be a BIG BOY or BIG GIRL.

Then for the bigger stuff, such as chores, after so many stars have a FAMILY day out to Chuck-E-Cheese, the zoo, whatever. That would help the children to learn to help each other get stars as well.

As for the temper tantrums, 5 is too old!! I would explain to him that he's a big boy and that he needs to learn to control that temper or go to another room until he has it under control. With my 4 year old, I tell her, "I understand that you want such and such, but I said no, and you can either calm down or go upstairs until you do." Make sure he understands that you know why he's upset or he'll think that you just don't get it, and try not to feel bad if he pouts in his room for a long time the first few times. Eventually he'll get it and the tantrums will stop. After he begins to understand that no means no, you could even start taking away his stars for unacceptable behavior and that would really nip it in the butt.

As for which chores for which age, by 5 and 7 they can pick up their toys, put their clothes in the hamper, they may even want to help you sort colors (educational too), clear their plates from the table. My 4 year old likes to fold wash rags, hand towels, and underwear when I do laundry...it's good bonding time. I think, depending on the child's size and what kind of vacuum you have, that a 7 year old is probably able to run the vacuum. In the summer they can help plant flowers or vegetables (if you do that kind of thing), and in the fall kids love to rake the leaves and then jump in them (although it was just this year that my big girls starting being able to rake them really well). Also, kids really like to help out in the kitchen making meals or desserts, and I don't know what kind of eaters you have, but that also helps with getting them to want to eat their food because they helped make it!!

Just a side note, it sounds like your BF is on board, but with my husband I used to always hear, "She's ONLY 5. She's ONLY 6. She's ONLY 7," but I just kept explaining to him that if he continued to treat her like she couldn't do anything that she would one day grow up and not be able to do ANYTHING for herself. He gets the picture now!!

Just keep at it, and you'll see how much they can learn to do and how proud they'll be of themselves!!

Oh_my has great advice. The only thing I would add is that when you or DH give in after you have said no, you are teaching them that you don't really mean no. What they learn is that eventually you will give in if they scream or cry long enough. So, it actually encourages the temper tantrums if they eventually get what they are demanding. Personally, I would have taken the cake over to the garbage can and thrown it away and said, cake is bye bye.

I had a son that, when he was 4 or 5, threw himself down in the aisle at the store when I wouldn't get him what he wanted. I had to pick him up and leave the store a few times, but eventually he got it and stopped.

Well, let's see I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that just turned 8 (Along with two others that are 6 and 10) . My daughter is responsible for her own room, clearing the table after dinner, setting the table before dinner and sweeping the floor (although she is still working on this) each kid is responsible for taking care of their own clothes and and I don't pick up toys from the living room it is their responsibility. The 8 year old is responsible for his own room, washing the dishes after dinner, folding his own clothes and he just started being responsible for the bathroom that the kids share (along with the 10 year old) We have 6 people in our house and I refuse to be a maid to everyone so everyone pitches in. And I hate being the one working to get the house cleaned up all day while everyone else has fun. So we all do it together so that we can all have fun together. My five year old (and she just turned 5) has been getting herself dressed brushing her teeth tieing her shoes and getting her own breakfast since about 3. We had some difficulties with her helping herself to things that she really shouldnt eat for breakfast at first but worked that out with a special shelf of what she is allowed to get and eat for breakfast. She knows how to put in her own movies and work the cd player. (which is a favorite of hers) The five year old definately should be wiping his own behind... at five he is already in or should be starting school soon and no teacher is going to wipe their students behind so I think that is very important. Along with the shoe tieing.

And, if they are as behind as they seem...I would incorporate learning items into the award system as well. Such as instead of only stars maybe have a blue rectangle and a yellow circle and so on... to make sure that they are on target with school.

I haven't done the chart thing yet... but I have considered it. My theory was that I was going to work it a lot like my 5th grade teacher did. You would get a certain number of tickets based on how you did for the week. ((You could also earn tickets for doing extra things like answering a really hard question or helping another student with something)) Then you would take the tickets and go shopping on fridays. She had a cabinet that was filled with all kids of nifty things from candy to toys to just about anything (all of which I now realize that she probably could have gotten from somewhere like the dollar store) Each item had a "price" so you could spend the tickets or save them up for something you really liked (like say a trip to the zoo for your case) It is really up in the air how many to give for what. My theory was five tickets for everything accomplished four if there was only a minor infraction three if it was a half and half week and none for anything less.

Not an expert.... :-)

(From this point on if I say "you" I mean you and hubby/bf so I don't get trampled on for saying you should be doing all this by yourself while dad sits on the couch and watches football. I assume he will be doing all this too.)

Between 3 and 6 they live in the now ... they can't "wait" a week to get a reward...

Not sure if you restrict tv time ... but if they complete their "daily chores" give an extra 15 minutes of tv or let them have 15 minutes later bedtime. If you set an "early" bedtime this works decent ... so if you set a 7:30 pm bedtime even if they get an extra 15 minutes its still enough time for them to get the rest their bodies need.

Do not use sweets or food as a reward.
Make coupons and hand them out.
Beads in a jar.
Something tangible they can "show off". Along with the star chart to show progess.

Caught being good.
Good for one movie
You have earned 15 minutes extra of ______. (whatever).

Be creative whatever works for your family do it... its a lot of work but eventually it works.

Kids thrive on structure. Be consistent. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My SC earn Blockbuster points... they love movies and renting games ... so we accumulate points for them.. they need more points to earn a game (we have movie night on thursdays). They save and combine points for what they want. I am also a book fan ... I buy books all the time that they might be interested in when I "catch" them being "good" I say oh yeah I have something for you ... could be coloring book or crayons.

I also have an arts and crafts tote filled with dollar store stuff they can glue, popsicle sticks, pom poms, construction paper etc... When they doing stuff they shouldn't be doing I break out the tote and we make a mess but it keeps them occupied and busy. This is "my" tote they have their own stuff but my tote has "better" stuff. It gets put away when we are done.

If they do their "chores" what ever it may be... setting the table, clearing the table, feeding a pet, even the 7 yr old depending on where you live can take out a light bag of trash, putting their laundry in the right place, bathing, brushing teeth. Its not like you expect them to scrub the oven ... basic things they should/could already be doing but make it worth something. After a while you add more and more "things" to the list.

As far as wiping themselves between 7-9 they should do this on their own... If they are asking for help they know they need to "cleaned" more ... I still keep "baby wipes" in the bathroom for those times when they need to clean a little better than toilet paper can get them my youngest SC is 9 ... Its annoying and embarrasing and sometimes funny (if you have company over), having a child ask for bathroom help but atleast they know they haven't done the best job.

Tying shoes they should be able to do this by first grade but my 5th grader still can't tie his shoes... So its just a matter of what they can and can't do, what they have been taught or not... he doesn't have the dexterity in his fingers to do it... but my 3rd grader ties them for him so he doesn't even have to learn ... He will learn before he goes to college. Its like the baby who points to stuff if you just get it they do not learn to use their words.

They learn what is expected of them in their own time.

My hubby was famous for giving in ... used to drive me nutz... If you are going to say yes then just say yes ... don't make them ask you 20 times, answer no 19 then on the 20th answer yes. Not doing them any favors you are teaching them if they ask enough times they will get what they want. My SC have "learned" not to ask more than 3 times its been a big change. They "know" with me atleast if I say yes its yes if I say no its no. I do not change my mind.

our 8 year old has just started the asking again and again and again thing. It just about pushed my DH over the edge the other night. Although, he didn't give in I thought he was going to bust a blood vessel trying not to boil over. It was kind of funny (not that I would tell him that) The biggest problem I have with the 8 year old is his whining crying throwing himself on the bed each time he is told no. But, we are working on it.... perhaps it is just a stage. But, I have a feeling that he is getting results using this technique with his mother since it is has only really started to get bad lately (since they started staying with their mother)I will say this though he hasn't pulled the it's not fair routine with me since I told him if he wanted things to be fair I should give his stuff away to other kids who dont have the same amount of stuff as he and started to take his favorite things out of his room while saying it. I mean that way everything is fair everyone has the same amount of things.

Mom_of_4 said: "the biggest problem I have with the 8 year old is his whining crying throwing himself on the bed each time he is told no."

*sigh*, if ONLY that's what my BF's 8yo did when he was told no...
A__ yells at his dad "I have the worst dad in the world! I HATE you for being so mean to me!" Then he screams and runs to the bedroom and hides under the covers or behind the bed. While he's in there he may or may not continue yelling about "If you loved me even a little, you'd let me have ___" or something similar. He also may or may not slam the door and throw pillows around.
This is definitely getting better... but I long for the day when he just throws himself on the bed to cry :)

I understand why he uses the language he does. His mom, grandma and aunt all yell at each other all the time and his mom says things like "If you love Mom you'll eat the rest of your vegetables"... But it's certainly making it harder to coax reasonable responses to being told no out of him.

I'm also going to suggest posting written rules and consequences/rewards, so I'm glad to see you post this thread.

Cawfe's right that younger kids are more successful with instant rewards, so I agree that there should be some "caught being good" instant rewards.

But I also think it's important for kids to earn towards rewards... So I like the stars go towards a future reward
As for what the rewards should be and how many stars to get there:
Letting the kids choose their own rewards worked really well for a friend of mine. Obviously you'd have to set limits, but how about having a row of stars for "cleans up after self every day without complaining" and lay out that this includes clearing your own plate, putting your clothes in the hamper and putting your own toys and homework away at night. Whether or not you have to prompt them doesn't matter, just as long as they do it without crying or major whining (I'd class "Aww, Dad, I hate picking up my toys" but doing it anyways as minor and ignore it)
Then, tell them that after five stars they get a small reward (like a page of stickers for their crafty bag, a chocolate bar, or a dollar for their piggy bank) OR they can keep going to 15 stars and earn a bigger reward (like $7 to spend anyway they'd like at the dollar store). Have them choose the both possible rewards beforehand, so they know what they're shooting for, but at 5 stars, give the option to cash in or to bank and continue for the bigger better reward.
The stars never expire, so if it takes one kid five days to earn their five stars on that row, they get their reward at five days. If it takes another kid a month to earn five stars for that row, well that's OK too. They'll start to see their siblings getting way more rewards and pick up the pace.
I'd even suggest a cooperative reward option to the kids. If everyone can bank up 30 stars (minimum five from a row) we'll go for a fabulous day of family fun: Go to a matinee, then out for supper and then to a movie at the theatre. It might get a little expensive, but totally worth seeing the kids cooperate to behave themselves and earn a big reward together.

As for age capabilities, I'll think of everything I can about the kids in my life to compare and contrast:
I have a niece who's 4, one who's 6, a nephew who's 8 and my BF's son is 8.
All of them use the bathroom alone. The 4 year old has trouble with a full tube of toothpaste, but once it's about half gone, she's good with it.
The 6 yo and 8 yos can cut their own food and butter their own buns. The 4yo gets tough stuff cut for her, but can use her fork to cut potatoes or other softer foods. All of them are capable of clearing their own plates. My 6 yo niece and 8 yo nephew can make themselves toast and cereal or a PB&J sandwich without any supervision. My BF's son is physically capable of doing those things, but has to be supervised because he's not mature enough to not make the entire loaf of bread into toast etc. My 4 yo niece is too small to wield the milk jug at this point.
The 8 yo boys know how to lock the deadbolt from the outside with the key. All the kids know to look out the window and see who it is before answering the door.
All of them know where their toys go and that they are expected to put them back. They don't always do it, but they know they ~should~ be picking up their own mess.
The 4yo likes company while she's in the tub but is capable of washing herself with the squirty soap and her bath puff. The 6yo calls for help to wash her hair but otherwise bathes independently, including run her own bath water. My 8 yo nephew can run his own bath water, but doesn't like to and can do all his own hair washing - he's getting to prefer showers now. My BF's 8 yo son claims he needs help to wash his hair, but if we say "no, you know how to do it yourself" he does it just fine (but his Grandma babies him into thinking he can't).
My 6 yo niece and 8 yo nephew eat a little of everything on their plates, usually without complaint. My BF's 8 yo son will say "I don't like it" to food he doesn't like the look of it and will be very rude about things he tries and doesn't like "This is DISGUSTING!!!! I'm going to puke" so we're working on "It's very rude to say that. If you don't like something you just say 'No thanks, I don't really like it'". My 4 yo niece will try anything once, but if she doesn't like it, it's not passing her lips again in that meal - but she'll try it again tomorrow. She also has to be coaxed a lot with "you have to have three more bites" and then you're done.
All the kids can work the DVD player on their own, but only my 6 yo niece can be trusted to handle the DVDs by their edges. She's allowed to touch Mom and Dad's DVDs, but her older brother isn't, which infuriates him to no end "I'm older so I should be allowed to! Not her!"
I hope that gives some idea of what a different batch of similar aged kids can do.

The fabulous day of family fun was supposed to be a matinee, then dinner out, then swimming at the wave pool... Not two movies!

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Very helpful... We're going to set it up this weekend. We've already discussed it with the kids and theyr're actually excited about the idea (for now). The oldest boy has already started making the stars...